Chapter 26
Zoe opened the curtains to see it was raining. As if she hadn’t done enough yesterday evening to scupper the chances of Billie joining her for a walk with Georgia and William today, the weather was now doing its best to wreck her plans.
She could only hope that Billie wouldn’t let her down. Then again, she’d let Maisie down, and she’d been far closer to Maisie in the lead-up to Louisa’s birth. With a sigh, Zoe resolved to forge ahead with the plan and hope for the best.
It wasn’t only Billie who was in danger of letting someone down.
As she hadn’t been able to speak to Fern the day before, and because she knew that Fern had made the decision to leave the commune, that was also on Zoe’s mind.
She’d wondered whether to phone, but she was cautious that she might draw attention to Fern’s plans if someone else answered, which they seemed to do regularly.
All in all, Zoe felt she ought to be doing something more about that, but she didn’t have a clue what, and with everything else going on, she’d been forced to put it to the back of her mind and hope Fern was dealing with it, and that if she wasn’t able to deal with it, she’d contact Zoe to say so.
Alex stirred in the bed as she pulled her dressing gown on.
‘I’m making a pot of coffee if you want one,’ she said.
He nodded as he stretched and sat up. ‘Sounds good. Are you still going for that walk?’
‘That’s the plan, though it’s raining right now. If we can’t do that, I suppose we could just do something here. It’ll be a shame, though – the whole point was to get Billie out.’
‘Can’t be helped,’ Alex said. ‘By the way, I love you.’
Zoe gave a bemused smile. ‘I mean, not to complain, and I love you too, but where did that come from?’
‘I love that you always try your best. I’m sure your life would be a hundred times easier if you let us get on with things. You could have a lie-in now, on your day off, take it easy and do whatever you fancied, but you never would, not while someone needs your help.’
‘That’s because sticking my nose in where it’s not necessarily wanted is a hobby of mine. Who’s to say it’s not my idea of a good day out?’
He was still chuckling softly as she closed the door to the bedroom and went downstairs to boil the kettle.
Billie was already in the kitchen with Louisa when Zoe walked in.
‘Morning,’ Zoe said, going to tickle Louisa under the chin. The little girl stared up at her. ‘She’s more alert every day, isn’t she? Really taking everything in now. She’s going to be a little livewire, I can tell.’
‘She didn’t sleep much,’ Billie said. ‘So I didn’t either.’
‘Was she fussing?’
Billie shrugged. ‘She just kept waking up every time I put her down. Like she’d fall asleep in my arms. But as soon as I went to the cot, she’d wake up again.’
‘I didn’t hear her cry.’
‘I don’t know how anyone could have slept through it. But she was all right when I was holding her. I read this thing online, about trauma…’
Zoe sat down at the table. ‘What about it?’
‘That when the mum has trauma during her pregnancy, then the baby catches it. And then comes out all stressed.’
‘Hmm. I’m not sure it’s quite that simple, but there are some theories around that, yes. Plenty of research too. It’s not a stretch to say a stressful pregnancy seems to have some effects.’
‘So if she plays up all the time, that’s my fault.’
‘I wouldn’t say she’s playing up all the time. And even if she was, you shouldn’t be blaming yourself.’
‘Yeah, but who else can I blame?’
‘I don’t think blaming anyone is healthy.
Life happens – it’s nobody’s fault. It wasn’t your fault Luis died.
It wasn’t your fault you and your dad were forced to come back to England.
It wasn’t your fault there were bumps in the road while you were pregnant.
Things come to try us, as my nan used to say.
You did your best with what you were given to deal with.
You couldn’t have done anything else.’ Zoe looked at Billie’s baby. ‘She seems content enough now.’
‘Because I’m holding her.’
‘Want me to hold her while you get some breakfast? I’m guessing you haven’t eaten yet.’
‘Not yet. Thanks.’
Billie handed Louisa to Zoe and got up. Zoe’s gaze flitted between the two every now and then. Louisa was peaceful, staring up at her. Billie kept on looking their way as she made her toast. In fact, her gaze barely left them.
‘Are you still happy to go for our walk today?’ Zoe asked after a minute or so of silence.
‘I’m not sure. The weather doesn’t look good.’
‘It doesn’t now, but if it clears, we should be all right. We’ve got good boots and coats, and the pram has a cover.’
‘I’d rather not take her out in bad weather.’
‘Sooner or later, you’ll have to. As long as it’s not torrential, I think we should go. It’s not especially cold today.’
Billie looked unconvinced as she buttered her toast, but she nodded. She brought the plate to the table, wolfed her breakfast, and then took Louisa back.
‘I can keep her for a bit longer if you need five minutes to yourself,’ Zoe said. ‘Have a quick shower or whatever. She’s good as gold for now.’
‘It’s all right.’ Billie took Louisa to the door. ‘I don’t need a shower this morning. She can come upstairs with me.’
Zoe was thoughtful as she watched her go. She hoped Billie wouldn’t change her mind about going out, because she really felt it would do her some good.
Her gaze went to the window as she filled the kettle. At least the rain seemed to be easing.
Georgia arrived bang on time, but Billie wasn’t ready.
Zoe had called up to her twice beforehand to see if she was close, if she needed a hand, and each time Billie had told her she didn’t need any help and she’d be ready, though she didn’t sound very enthusiastic about any of it.
Zoe had started to feel as if she was nagging, but she was also of the opinion that if nagging was the only way to get this done, then she’d have to.
‘First thing, I thought we’d have to call it off.’ Georgia kissed Zoe briefly on the cheek before getting William out of his car seat and handing him to her. ‘Have a cuddle with Aunty Zoe while I get my coat off.’ She looked up at Zoe. ‘I’m assuming we’re not heading straight off?’
‘Not for a minute.’
‘Good, I’m sweating. I thought I needed a big coat, but it’s not that cold, is it? I suppose it’ll be windier out on the hills; I might be glad of the extra layer then, eh?’
Zoe sat down with William. ‘He’s growing so fast.’
Georgia laughed. ‘I don’t know how you’d be surprised at that. You must see that all the time, the amount of babies you visit.’
‘Yes, but it never fails to amaze me.’ When she looked up, Georgia was regarding her with a look of sympathy. It threw Zoe for a moment. ‘What?’
‘Nothing. I just… Sorry. It’s just that I forget sometimes that you lost your baby, and I wonder if… well, you know. It must be hard. As if everyone you know is having a baby.’
‘Loads of people have asked me that. And honestly, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry. I’m sure one day it will be my turn. Nothing changes my loss, but I try to look forward to that day.’
‘You’re better than I would be about it.’
‘Nobody can say that for sure unless they experience it. And I really hope you never will.’ Zoe looked up to see Billie come in and frowned. ‘You’ve still got your pyjamas on!’
‘Yeah… Hi, Georgia. Sorry, but I don’t think I can go. I feel kind of dizzy.’
‘Need me to take a look at you?’ Zoe asked.
‘No. I’ll lie down and it will be fine.’
Georgia and Zoe exchanged a look that told Zoe her friend didn’t believe Billie’s excuse either.
‘That’s such a shame,’ Georgia said. ‘I’m absolutely desperate for a breath of air, and I was hoping to pick your brains too.’
‘About what?’ Billie asked.
‘Oh, you know, this and that. I was wondering whether half the stuff happening to me is because I’m an old mum or if it’s the same for everyone.’
Billie looked doubtful. ‘But it’s been ages since you had William. You’re still having problems? Like what?’
‘Well, like lots of things. I was hoping we could get to them all on our walk. We wouldn’t have to be out for long. And I’d quite like to see Victor’s new alpaca. Have you seen her yet?’
Billie shook her head.
‘Oh, the pregnant one, Dandelion?’ Zoe asked. ‘I’ve seen her, and she’s so cute!’
‘You must be dying to go and have a look,’ Georgia said to Billie. ‘I don’t know how you didn’t run up there the minute she arrived.’
Billie looked torn.
‘If you need to run and get some clothes on, we can wait,’ Georgia added. ‘We’ll be out an hour, tops, and if you get tired, we’ll come straight back. It’ll do you the power of good, trust me.’
Billie turned back to the door. ‘Hang on.’
‘You want us to watch Louisa for a minute while you get sorted?’ Zoe asked.
Billie paused and shook her head. ‘I’ve got to get her dressed too; she can’t go out in what she’s wearing. I’ll be back.’
She left them, letting the door swing shut, and Zoe turned to Georgia. ‘Well played.’
Georgia smiled. ‘I thought so too.’
The skies had brightened so much by the time they walked the path that led away from Hilltop that Zoe wondered why she’d been worried about rain at all.
There was an early spring feel in the air, still chilly, but when the sun broke through, the warmth was almost enough to convince her winter was finally on its way out.
She was hopeful for the summer. There was so much to look forward to – the opening of Alex’s new business, watching Louisa grow and Billie become a confident young mother.
At least, those had been her hopes when she’d moved into Hilltop.
All those things would still happen, she was sure, but there were bumps in the road she hadn’t foreseen, and they would have to be dealt with.
For now, however, she was content to feel the breeze on her face, watching how it chased the clouds across the sky, and to have the smell of new grass fill her head.