Chapter 27
As Zoe was heating up some soup, too exhausted to cook anything else, Alex pushed open the door and came into the kitchen. Grizzle leaped from his basket, tail whirring in excitement as he ran to greet him.
‘How did it go?’ she asked. Alex had texted earlier to say he was driving Corrine and Victor over to accident unit.
‘They’ve updated his injections, cleaned him up and sent him home. The bite marks are deep, and he’ll have scars, but he’ll be all right. It’s shaken him up badly. That’s the thing worrying me. He’s older, and older people sometimes find it hard to come back from shocks like this.’
‘I had the same thought about Corrine…’
‘You should have seen her face when we first walked in with him. I thought she was going to pass out. But she’s a tough old bird.’
‘Far too practical for passing out,’ Zoe agreed.
He took a seat at the table. ‘Where’s Billie?’
‘Bathing Louisa.’
‘It was good of Brett to bring them back over. Is she all right?’
‘Hard to tell.’
He looked up as she took the soup from the heat and came to sit with him. ‘You should have let me do something about Lennon when we had the chance. Right after you’d told me about the fight with Heath, we should have gone over there.’
‘I said the same to Georgia. I’m sorry. I called it wrong.’
‘I feel like going over there now and having it out with him. The state Victor is in…’
‘I know, but please don’t. You’d think, after today, he’d have the sense to leave.’
‘The hospital staff have taken details. They were pushing Victor to make a statement to the police to get the dog put down. It’s obviously dangerous.
But you know animal-loving Victor – he sat there, his arm covered in bandages, and he still didn’t want to do that.
Looks as if I’m going to have to do it for him. ’
Zoe stared at him. ‘What?’
‘What else can I do? What if he comes for Grizzle again? Or goes for the alpaca again? Or he makes even more of a mess of someone else – it could be a child next time, or Billie or Georgia.’ He lowered his voice.
‘What if Lennon’s still here when we open for business and that dog goes for someone who comes to camp on our field?
It’s too dangerous – I can’t take that risk. ’
Zoe opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again. Like Victor, she hated the idea of putting any animal to sleep, but Alex had a point. ‘What if we could persuade Lennon to take it away from here?’ she asked finally.
‘Doesn’t make it any less dangerous.’
‘But if there was somewhere he could rehome it where it wouldn’t be a danger to anyone?’
Alex shook his head. ‘I have no clue where that could be. I’m sorry, Zoe, but I’m going to report it. If the dog can be rehabilitated, it’s down to the proper authorities to sort it.’
Zoe gave a nod. She supposed that even if Alex didn’t take matters into his own hands, eventually the authorities would catch up with Lennon and his dog.
The fact was, things were already spiralling for him.
Sooner or later, no matter what Chantal had to say, he’d be forced to leave.
At least, she hoped so. It was the only way she could see for all this to be resolved.
‘Do you want something to eat? It’s only soup, but there’s enough for us all. ’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘Me neither, but I thought we ought to try and eat something.’ She got up. ‘I’ll go see if Billie wants any.’
Zoe knocked on the bathroom door, but there was no reply. ‘Billie… we’ve got soup on if you want some…’
A stuffy voice came from behind the door. ‘I’m OK, not hungry.’
Zoe frowned. ‘Billie…? Are you all right? Can I come in?’
There was no answer, only what sounded like a heaving sob. Zoe pushed the door open. Billie was sitting on the floor, head in her hands. Louisa, wrapped in a towel on her changing mat, lay beside her.
‘Are you all right?’ Zoe asked.
Billie nodded, face still hidden. She wasn’t all right – that much was clear. Zoe kneeled and put a hand on her shoulder.
Immediately, Billie recoiled. ‘Don’t! I’m OK!’
Zoe pulled her hand back, her frown deepening. ‘I’m having trouble believing that. Please, Billie, talk to me. I know you’ve been struggling.’
‘I know,’ Billie said. ‘That’s why you keep making everyone talk to me. I don’t want that. I wish you’d leave me alone – I’ll sort it. I don’t want people interfering.’
‘They’re only trying to help.’
‘It’s not helping; it’s making it worse! It makes me feel like… Like Georgia today – she’s all happy and brilliant at looking after William.’
‘You’re not happy?’
‘I can’t do it! I can’t look after Louisa like that!’
‘You’re doing brilliantly!’
‘No, I’m not! I’m getting everything wrong all the time! And if you start to think I’m…’
‘You’re what?’
‘A bad mum, then they’ll take Louisa away from me!’
‘Oh my God, Billie… is that what you think? Nobody is going to do that! It would be over my dead body. As for your dad… think about how desperate he was for you to keep Louisa when you were thinking of adoption. He’d never—’
‘That’s just it. I keep thinking about how I was desperate to give her away, and now I feel as if I don’t deserve to have her and it will happen anyway, even though I don’t want it to. Like karma or something.’
‘I don’t believe in things like that.’
‘But what if it does? I keep thinking about that dog… like, what if he’d jumped up and got Louisa out of my arms? What if the universe is like, you didn’t want her and so now you can’t have her? What if there’s something out there waiting to take her from me? I can’t watch her all the time!’
‘But you’re trying to.’ Zoe paused. ‘It’s not Louisa keeping you awake all night, is it? You’re forcing yourself to stay awake so you can watch over her.’
‘I’m so tired…’ Billie gasped a huge breath.
Zoe could see it was taking everything she had not to break down. The sad thing was, Billie believed she was weak, but Zoe couldn’t remember the last time she’d met a young woman this strong. She’d been through so much, and yet she kept going where others would have given in.
‘You must be. Billie, you have to let us help. There is no way we would let anyone take Louisa away from you, I promise. But if you don’t take care of yourself, then it makes it harder for us too.
We want to be there for you and Louisa always.
So let us. You don’t have to prove anything to us; you don’t have to be strong all the time in front of us, even if you feel you have to show that face to the rest of the world.
If you can’t be vulnerable with the people who love you best, then you can’t ever be vulnerable with anyone, and if you can’t do that, the pressure will keep building until one day you’ll be crushed under the weight.
You’re going to find it hard to open up, but at least try, just a little bit, just with your dad if not me.
It’s the only way you can start to get through this.
And if you need professional help further down—’
‘No!’ Billie shifted away from her. ‘See, I knew you’d do that! It’s why you had your doctor friend up here the other day, isn’t it?’
‘OK,’ Zoe said. She paused, trying to think of another angle that might reset the discussion.
She’d been getting through, she was certain of it, and then she’d blown it by mentioning professional input.
There was a way to get through, however – she’d seen the gap in the wall only moments ago.
Billie had admitted she was struggling, something she hadn’t done since Louisa’s birth.
‘We’ll keep it between us. I won’t interfere, but how about we have a catch-up every morning before I go to work?
Just so I can go about my day without worrying over what’s going on here?
If not with me, if you’re not up, then with your dad? ’
‘I can’t. Dad’s got too much going on.’
‘Your dad would drop everything else in a heartbeat for you, no matter what it is. You must know that! I’m trying to find ways that we can get through this ourselves, keeping it under this roof, but in a way that helps give you what you need.
You might think that Louisa is the only person who matters here, but you’re wrong.
Louisa needs you to be the best version of yourself you can be – and I don’t mean strong and hard and always doing what has to be done no matter what.
She needs the whole, healthy, happy version of you because that’s where she’ll learn what happiness is, what healthy emotions should look like.
So if she’s going to see that, you need to be that, and the only way that will happen is if you cut yourself some slack now and accept help to get back on track.
And I know you’re not going to like this, but if that means medical help – tablets or whatever – then please don’t dismiss it out of hand.
The most important thing for Louisa is that you’re well. ’
At first, as Billie looked up, Zoe wondered if she’d taken in a single word of what she’d just said. She could only see incomprehension in the younger woman’s eyes. But then it was like rusty cogs were beginning to turn, and then a light came on.
‘I’ll be down in a minute to get some soup.’
Relief flooded through Zoe. It was one small, insignificant statement, and yet it meant so much more.
‘OK,’ she said. She reached to hug her and then checked herself. It wasn’t what Billie wanted, not yet, and she had to respect that. ‘I’ll go and finish warming it. Do you want me to? Should I call when it’s ready?’
‘It’s all right, I’ll dress Louisa and come down after.’
Zoe got up from the floor and, with a brief smile, made her way back to the kitchen.