CHAPTER THREE
THREE
Do you think in every world we’re dancing like this, laughing like this, do you think in every universe I found you like this?
– from ‘Serendipity’, by These Exiles
Monday
I WAS GOING TO kill Laura.
Of all the ways to be spending my days, I never thought I’d find myself here, swiping endlessly and responding to painfully dull conversation openers.
I’d finally got fed up yesterday and turned off the notifications.
Guilt had gnawed at me all day, though, and now I was sat watching the timer run out on my latest match.
I couldn’t believe I was going to have to start the conversation. Again.
Fuck it.
Jessy
How’s your day going?
I hit send. Well, it was pretty innocuous. But it was a message – Laura had never said how long they had to be.
Ping.
Paddy
Good, thanks. You?
Not even a minute had gone by. Keen much? I couldn’t even remember which of the countless profiles I’d swiped on this was. I switched tabs and went to scroll through his –
‘Jessica!’
The shout was so loud I almost dropped my phone on to my desk. I looked up as my manager glared at me over my desktop.
‘It’s Jessy, Karun.’ Seriously, how hard was it to remember I preferred Jessy?
‘Is the report ready?’
I smiled sweetly. ‘Yes, it’s in your inbox.’ Which he’d know if he spent time actually at his desk and not monitoring us like a prison warden.
Karun sniffed. ‘Good. And that pivot table is needed by Wednesday. If you need help with it –’
‘I’ll be fine, thanks,’ I said, looking back at my screen as though I had very important emails to address. Truth was my display had turned itself off – I’d left it inactive too long.
‘No phones at the desk,’ he said curtly before striding away.
I gave the mouse a wiggle and watched the screen come to life.
The day dragged.
I’d been so excited to get this grad job. Proper employment, with a proper salary. I could afford not to depend upon Laura any more; I’d moved out of the flat and got my own room. Yes, it was still a houseshare, but at least it was in a nicer part of the city – which had felt like freedom …
Now it just felt like a collar, squeezing tightly round my neck.
It was only hours later, when I’d dropped, exhausted, on to my bed, that I realized I’d never replied to Paddy.
Shit. And I’d promised Laura. I groaned before flipping myself over to grab my phone.
Paddy
Good, thanks. You?
I rolled my eyes. Honestly – was this the kind of scintillating conversation I had to look forward to?
Well, the world wasn’t going to end if I didn’t answer today. That could be Future Jessy’s problem.
Tuesday
Jessy
Sorry, busy day yesterday
Paddy
No worries
Wednesday
Jessy
So, how’d you like your coffee?
It was weird. I’d tapped on one of the pre-written questions the app gave me – dull but serviceable – after his non-reply, but nothing.
I looked down at the message again. Read. But no reply.
Seriously weird. He’d taken half a second to reply to my first message and now, nothing?
I was not going to double message. The point was just to engage with the matches, not actually care about them.
I closed the app.
Thursday
Paddy
The best coffee is that made by someone else
Jessy
Strong disagree. No one makes coffee like me, except Maria
Paddy
Maria?
Jessy
The owner of my favourite café and all round goddess. Life isn’t worth living without Maria
Paddy
Well damn. Maybe I should be in Maria’s DMs. Is she single?
Jessy
Wow, can’t believe I’ve been outdone by an Italian grandmother
Paddy
Wait
Paddy
What?
Jessy
She’s hot though, if you’re into that
Paddy
I feel set up
Paddy
I guess I’ll just have to have some of your famous coffee then
I looked down at the message. We’d been texting back and forth all morning and I found my lips turning up into a smile with every one.
This had always been my favourite part of dating. The attention …
‘Eyes on the computer, Jessica,’ barked Karun from across the open-plan office, throwing me a glare. ‘Here at GSR Financials we value results.’
‘It’s Jessy,’ I muttered as I glanced back at the numbers, putting my earbuds in. The opening tune to ‘Honey and Spice’ came on and I relaxed. Patrick Tetlow, lyricist extraordinaire – now that was a man who had a way with words.
I spent the next few hours unpicking data from a spreadsheet. I knew I should be grateful – there were thousands of people desperate for a job like this.
Stability. Reliability. A pension that meant I would only have to work until I was seventy …
I should be grateful.
The sacrifices Laura had made, all those hours I’d spent studying, the money we’d poured into my degree to get me here – and it was just a little bit … shit.
My phone pinged again and after checking that Karun was chewing out someone else, I glanced down.
Paddy
Sorry if that was a bit much. I swear I wasn’t looking for an invite
Jessy
No, no, I just got yelled at for not focusing on work
Paddy
That arsehole boss still on your case?
Jessy
Yup. Hard to believe I only have, what, sixty years of this left?
Cathy opposite me gave me a disapproving frown as she cleared her throat. Busy cow.
‘Just thinking of how best to colour-code this spreadsheet,’ I lied with a bright smile.
Cathy snorted. ‘Sure.’
Paddy
Is this the time to tell you that I’ve got really into creative tie-dyeing?
‘No phones at the –’
‘Just turning it off, Karun,’ I said hurriedly, throwing it into my desk drawer as he loomed over me. ‘What do you think, Cathy, maroon or scarlet for negative numbers?’
Cathy’s sniff echoed across the desk as Karun made a pompous speech about taking my job seriously before wandering off to print something no one would look at.
Only when I was certain he’d gone – pushing down the prickles of worry that I would definitely be put on warning if I was spotted – did I pull out my phone and look at Paddy’s last message again.
Paddy
Is this the time to tell you that I’ve got really into creative tie-dyeing?
I couldn’t for the life of me figure this guy out.
He texted at all times of the day. He was funny, seemed normal, and hadn’t asked for any nudes – yet.
He started hobbies like he had all the time in the world – but he didn’t really seem like he was down on his luck.
I was tempted to ask what kind of job he had, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to open that can of worms. Our conversations so far had been pretty superficial, and that suited me fine.
Jessy
How did we go from you angling to come over to tie-dyeing?
Paddy
…
Still typing?
Paddy
Look, I feel like I should be honest with you. You’re gorgeous and you seem cool, but I’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Huh.
And the proverbial balloon burst. Guess he wasn’t all that different to every other guy on here. As I looked at his message, a stray thought popped into my head.
Laura hadn’t intended Butterflies for hook-ups, but honestly, if he could scratch that itch …
He’d seemed nice enough. And he didn’t want anything serious.
I messaged back quickly, before I could change my mind.
Jessy
So you’re just looking for a hook-up? I could get down with that
I deserved it, I told myself. A meaningless one-night stand with a guy that I wasn’t repulsed by. No big deal.
Friday
My phone vibrated against my chest. I’d fallen asleep last night while scrolling the timeline.
Through sleep still gathered in my eyes, I blinked blearily at my phone. The little Butterflies icon sat there, informing me of a chat notification. My heart skipped as I swiped through the app and opened my list of chats.
And groaned … I had neglected eight chats. I’d accepted every match the app had offered me – Laura’s guilt trip was working perfectly – but I’d been so distracted by Paddy that I’d already lost two matches for not responding quickly enough.
Laura was not going to be happy.
Pushing myself up in bed and wincing slightly at the brilliant summer sun already pouring through my lacklustre curtains, I opened each of the other chats to see what we were working with.
Dan
Heyyy beautiful
Jason
How are you?
Tom
Dtf?
I winced, the prickle of distaste bitter in my mouth. Dear God, no wonder half of this city was single. Talking to these men was worse than watching paint dry.
After shooting off the most basic reply to each of them – and in Tom’s case a quick unmatch, because even if I was down to fuck, I certainly wouldn’t with someone who couldn’t at least write in full sentences – my shoulders loosened as I opened my most recent chat.
And … he hadn’t replied. My last message glared back at me brightly on the screen.
Jessy
So you’re just looking for a hook-up? I could get down with that
That was fine. Maybe he’d been distracted before he could respond.
Or maybe this was just a good old-fashioned case of ghosting. Embarrassment threatened to heat my face at the thought.
Groaning as I pulled myself out of bed, I waited for my housemate to be done in the bathroom, then stood in the barely warm shower.
Once I was out, I got another inane message from a guy whose profile picture was him topless, wearing sunglasses, playing golf. I rolled my eyes. Of course it was.
But I had been neglecting my other matches, and I felt guilty – Laura had worked so hard on this app, and she needed my support. So I got over the cringe and chatted with the wannabe golfer as I popped my earrings in and wondered if I had time for breakfast before heading out.
Saturday
The Butterflies ping filled the small room, and I looked to see if it was – no. Still not Paddy.
‘And who, precisely,’ my sister asked sweetly, ‘is messaging you?’
I almost dropped my phone on my pizza – a terrible waste of both food and phone. ‘No one.’ No one interesting, anyway.
‘It’s not no one!’ Laura paused the TV and stared through her glasses, half incredulous, half delighted. ‘Who is it?’
‘Just press play. I’ve been looking forward to watching the new episode all day.’