CHAPTER SEVEN
SEVEN
And the next time I decide to listen to you, remind me, this is why we stepped away, stepped back, stepped off the cliff …
– from ‘Clifftop Ode’, by These Exiles
Jessy
We need to talk
I STARED ONCE AGAIN at the message as I paced back and forth between two lamp posts along the river, tugging my hat lower across my face as I waited for my fake girlfriend to turn up.
Need to talk?
Shit, this was the sort of stuff that people in actual relationships had to put up with. I wasn’t – I didn’t care about this woman. I was being forced to be in a relationship with her – what was the point of dealing with all the crap that came with it?
All that crap, a horrible little voice in the back of my mind reminded me, that you desperately wanted with Celine?
I forced the thought away.
Unlocking my phone, I glanced down at the lyric I’d tapped out without much thought.
I’d rather argue with you than receive anyone’s smiles
It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good – it needed a little extra. Hell, I was just grateful to have something come to me, after weeks of nothing.
What came next?
I had no idea. I locked my phone. It would keep.
I had almost forgotten how gorgeous it was along here.
The river wasn’t the most beautiful stretch of water in the world, but with the sun shining, and the gentle chatter as people had lunch together, the laughter and screams from a trio of women catching up on the corner, and the two guys arguing vociferously about where one of them should propose to his boyfriend …
Seriously. Did the whole world run on romance?
Stupid thing to think. Didn’t I make money singing about just that sort of stuff?
Wes
So how’s the fake girlfriend?
I groaned. Of course he had to ask that in our group chat.
Matt
Wait, he went through with it?
Ben
Is she hot?
The messages came through thick and fast.
Wes
What does it matter if she’s hot?
Ben
It doesn’t, I just want to know
Wes
Looks like the world’s media has bought it
Matt
Do you like her?
My thumbs hovered over my screen, but I didn’t type anything. Do I like her? What sort of question was that?
Patrick
She’s cool
Wes
Uh oh
Ben
Is she catching feelings?
Ben
No scratch that – are you catching feelings??
Matt
Way more believable
I snorted.
Patrick
Thanks guys. The support is appreciated
Ben
Always happy to give some tips for the bedroom
Wes
Yuck
Matt
Muting this chat if Ben even thinks about it
Ben
I’m just saying, I’ve had no complaints
Wes
When were you going to give me your sister’s number again?
Ben
Fuck off
I sighed, closing the chat. Yeah, hoping for a bit of a distraction courtesy of my bandmates probably wasn’t the best idea. But I was missing them; we usually spent our downtime between shows all relaxing together. Instead, Derek had us all running around on the so-called penance tour.
I leaned out against the railing by the river and tried not to think about whatever it was that Jessy wanted to talk about.
‘Excuse me?’
I opened my eyes – only for my heart to sink.
Two girls, probably only about fourteen, stood in front of me. One of them was tugging her friend’s arm, clearly uncomfortable, yet she hadn’t walked away.
Of course she hadn’t. Both of them were wearing merch T-shirts from our last UK tour.
The hat I’d pulled low across my brow hadn’t worked, then.
‘I just – oh my God, it’s actually you – hello,’ the braver one said breathlessly.
I forced myself to smile. I’d been trained for this – we all had been. The moment These Exiles had taken off, it had been the first thing Derek had made us prepare for.
Fan engagement.
‘Hello,’ I said brightly, as though it was about to make my day that two girls had accosted me in public. ‘Do you want a photo?’
They didn’t reply. At least, they didn’t use words – but their squeals of delight were already making heads turn.
Stomach sinking, I carefully moved myself between them, ensuring my hands were clasped before me.
Always be perfect.
Always be charming.
And never, ever let a fan walk away from you with a bad experience …
It took the girls a few goes to get the selfie they wanted, and by the time they scampered away, my heart was sinking.
People were staring, a guy over there was taking what he thought was a surreptitious photo, and if I was unlucky those girls were going to tag both me and my location online within five minutes.
Where was she?
Patrick
I thought you said 1pm by the Thirsty Bear?
Jessy
I’m running late
No shit.
I swallowed, looking back across the river. It was easier to do that than face the people sitting about staring at me.
Just … staring. Why –
‘Patrick?’
My stomach lurched, and not because someone had called my name.
Because of the person who had called it.
‘Patrick, it is you!’ A woman was beaming at me as though she had never seen anyone she cared for more. ‘I saw someone tag you here!’
I winced.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were in the area, darling?’ She leaned forward for an air kiss.
I couldn’t exactly back into the river, but I side-stepped her just in time. ‘Cassie.’
My mother’s face fell. ‘Cassie? On a first-name basis still, are we?’
‘Full names on the restraining order request,’ I said quietly, my jaw tight. ‘I’d hoped you wouldn’t be allowed within fifty feet of me.’
It had been painful, asking for Derek’s help with that one. Not just because it meant asking for help – something I hated doing.
No, because I’d had to tell him … not everything. Not quite.
Half the story was enough.
But the judge hadn’t granted it. And now here she was.
My mother’s smile was too wide, too cheerful, too false. Her perfume was strong – jasmine, as always. ‘But that didn’t stick, petal –’
‘I think you’ll find I can apply again,’ I shot back, taking another step to the side.
After being so desperate for Jessy to turn up these last twenty minutes, now it was the last thing I wanted.
Cassie and Jessy, in one place?
Absolutely not.
Cassie’s face had already turned to pleading, an expression I knew well. ‘But, darling, I saw the news.’
I blinked. ‘The news?’
‘Your new girlfriend, this Jessica girl,’ Cassie said, brushing a curl out of her eyes. ‘Does she make you happy?’
I swallowed, blindsided yet again. ‘Happy?’
When was the last time she had asked about that? When was the last time she’d cared about anything to do with my wellbeing?
Cassie was nodding. ‘Yes, happy. Can we sit, somewhere, love? These shoes aren’t really made for walking.’
I glanced down and almost laughed, despite myself. No, they weren’t. Spindly heels and tiny straps, it was a wonder anyone could get about in them.
‘Look, there’s a bench free over there – come on!’
Her hand had taken my arm before I could stop her … and I couldn’t. Not really.
Despite everything, she was my mum. There was something almost surreal about seeing her here, in real life, after seven months of no contact.
Well. Other than the voicemails I kept deleting and the messages I kept ignoring.
Cassie tottered over to the bench, dragging me along with her, and I let her.
It was just – shit – so nice for her to actually care about something going on in my life.
No matter how much older I got, a small part of me was still five years old, waiting on the sports day field after everyone else had gone, blinking away tears that she hadn’t seen me win the beanbag race. I hated how much I wanted her approval.
‘Jessica,’ she said promptly, her smile broad. ‘You like her?’
I swallowed. ‘Yeah. Sure.’ I knew better than to divulge the truth of my ‘relationship’ to my mother. She couldn’t be trusted. I’d learnt that the hard way.
‘She treating you well?’ Cassie persisted.
It was bizarre to hear such concern in her voice. Cassie was not someone who had ever been that interested in my happiness: not when I was a kid, not when I’d started playing music more seriously, not when I’d slipped into stardom and gone off to tour the world.
No, that had not been her priority.
‘She’s …’ I hesitated before continuing. ‘Yeah, she’s great. Jessy’s great.’
‘Oh, darling, I am pleased,’ said Cassie brightly, rubbing my arm. She still hadn’t let go. I thought I would have minded, but somehow, I didn’t. Her hand on me felt simultaneously soothing and branding. ‘You deserve to be happy.’
Such a short sentence shouldn’t make genuine joy spring through me, but it did.
God, I was such a loser. One kind word from her and I’d reverted back to being a kid.
‘Thanks,’ I said quietly.
Perhaps this was genuine from her. God knows I’d done a lot of growing up recently – there wasn’t any reason to think she wasn’t capable of it too. Perhaps this was the fresh start we needed.
‘I’m glad, honey, so glad. And since things are going so well for you, do you think you could lend your moth–’
I jerked my arm from her grip and stood up. ‘I fucking knew it.’
‘No – no, it’s not – Patrick, darling, calm down –’
‘I should have known,’ I snarled. ‘Why am I not surprised?’
But I was, and that was perhaps what hurt the most. Just for a moment, I had truly thought my mother cared about my happiness, no strings attached.
Damnit, when am I going to learn?
Cassie had risen now, wobbly on the shoes she’d probably bought on credit and couldn’t pay off. ‘I just thought –’
‘Well, you thought wrong – now go away.’
My mother’s face sharpened, the cruelty that had been bubbling away underneath finally breaking the surface. ‘Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I’m your mother, not one of your fucking groupies.’
I laughed darkly. There was the Cassie I knew. ‘Tell me when you’ve improved your mothering, and I’ll reassess my skills as a son.’
‘Patrick –’
‘My security is only a phone call away.’ I pulled out my phone. As I glanced down at it, I saw an unopened message from Jessy.
Either she wasn’t coming, or she was about to arrive – either way, I had to get out of here.
‘Patrick!’
Ignoring Cassie calling after me was easy. I’d been doing it the last three years.