Chapter 26
Laurie
When I’d agreed to hang around River’s place for one—let me repeat that— one night, I meant it.
While I sat in her kitchen as the last light of day drew back from the windows, I reminded myself of that fact. River was pottering around, cooking up a storm despite my insistence that I would be perfectly fine with a cup of instant noodles—and I had to go.
Back to my dingy apartment and back to my solitude. Because I was uncomfortably close to calling River a friend and that would not end well for her. She was too kind, too caring, too good to be true, and I had nothing to offer her but inconvenience and bad memories when all of this was over.
So, I had to go.
I opened my mouth to say as much when River whipped around and set a steaming bowl of… something, down in front of me. I sniffed at it, then met her eye. “Soup?”
“Minestrone soup.” River beamed, proud and pompous, down at me. “No offense, but you look like you haven’t touched a vegetable in years, so I thought this would be the healthiest option.”
I tried to muster up a scowl but, for once, the vehement response was not readily available. The soup smelled good and she was probably right. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d eaten anything remotely resembling a vegetable.
So I hunched over the bowl and mumbled a ‘thank you’ and dipped a spoon into the steaming broth.
River watched in mounting anticipation as I brought the spoon to my lips and tried a tentative slurp.
It was scalding on my tongue, but I had to admit, for a bloodsucking vampire with no real need for a kitchen, the woman could cook.
She must have seen it on my face because her lips spread into a triumphant smile and I promptly looked away, cursing the faint blush that crept up my neck. I focused on the window instead of her face, racing to recover from the fluttering in my stomach.
It was dark outside, and the ceiling light overhead pressed the whole room smaller. I expected to feel claustrophobic, but all I felt was comfortable.
River left me to my soup and drifted around the kitchen, watering plants here and there and cleaning up dishes. I watched her tinker around the sink, pausing to tuck a curl behind her ear. It felt intimate. Cozy. Despite my better judgment, I didn’t feel out of place here.
After a single day and one eventful night, I’d warmed to the place, and to River herself—and that was a problem. I could feel my resolve slipping and that did not bode well for either of us.
I set my spoon down. “Hey, so… This has been nice, but I think I should probably get going—”
“Laurie, don’t be ridiculous.” River didn’t even bother to turn when she said it, spritzing a fern with an ornate little spray bottle. “You heard that woman today. Whoever this ‘Doctor’ guy is, he’s looking for you. Do you really want to risk him finding you alone?”
Hot soup turned sour in my stomach and I balled my hands into fists. She had a point. If the Doctor was after me, and had been all this time, it was pure luck that he hadn’t got to me already. River’s side was the safest place to be but… I couldn’t stay.
It would only get harder and harder to untangle myself, and it would only hurt her more.
River clocked the implication in my silence and glanced back at me. “I know we agreed, one night and one night only. But… think about it.” She strode over to me and settled on the stool at my side. “You’ll be safer here.”
When I remained unconvinced, silent and stiff and conflicted, she gave me an ultimatum.
“I’ll give you your gun back—okay? If you stay here a little longer you can keep the cursed thing under your pillow if you really want to.
Just…” She dropped her gaze, looking down at her hands.
“Just let me protect you a little longer.”
I stared at her, rattled by the request. I’d almost forgotten about the gun, and that in itself was a sign that I had gotten far too comfortable. But… just let me protect you. I couldn’t understand it, any of it. She barely knew me, so—
“Why?” The question came out hoarse from my lips, high with a note of disbelief. “Why are you doing this? Why do you care so much—I don’t understand.”
River only shrugged, though she couldn’t quite meet my eye. But I kept pushing, demanding clarity for the fluttering feeling she stoked in my stomach. “Is it because you think I’m useful? Because I have information?”
“No.” River raised her palms. “I mean, yeah, you’re useful, but that’s not—”
I swiveled to face her fully. “Then why?”
“Because…” She groaned, carding fingers through her tousled hair before dropping her hands to her lap. “Just—because.”
When I stared back at her, unsatisfied with her non-answer, River sighed. She lifted her hand like she intended to reach for mine, then set it down again, speaking in a near whisper with her eyes downcast. “You deserve someone looking out for you, and I… I want to be that someone.”
I sat frozen in place, a million emotions going off like fireworks in my heart.
My chest caved in—crumpling under gratitude, guilt, and something else too raw to name.
It was too much. She was doing too much and I was in too deep.
She was going out of her way for me and I didn’t deserve it.
I couldn’t accept it. Not when I knew how this would end.
But, when she looked up again, when she met my gaze head-on, I couldn’t form the words. I couldn’t find the will to get up and go. I looked into her eyes and it felt like falling, tumbling into the gold-rimmed abyss of her pupils.
The fluttering in my stomach rose in a frantic rush and heat I couldn’t comprehend crept across my cheeks, burning at the tips of my ears.
This was a new sensation, this was something I had never felt before—a new emotion I didn’t know what to do with.
I couldn’t set it down but I couldn’t hold it any longer, it was singeing my hands, licking along my body like an open flame.
River had gone very still, and I did the same, both of us frozen face-to-face.
If I could just hold this position, hold it for the rest of my life, maybe I’d never have to leave. The moment would never come to an end and I would never have to walk out that door. The fire I was feeling would consume me entirely and I would never have to decipher what it meant.
My heart pounded loud and booming, pulse rising to a roar in my ears and I wondered, for a moment, what it would feel like to kiss her. To feel the soft brush of her lips on mine. I wondered how her skin would feel, smooth and cool under my palm, and if her pulse would quicken at my touch.
I didn’t know I was inching forward until we were almost nose-to-nose, drawn by magnetic force across that small distance. My breath caught in my lungs, my lips parting in a desperate gasp—before reality came crashing down again.
What the fuck are you thinking?
I jerked back, nearly toppling from my seat, and slammed a hand on the table to steady myself.
River remained perfectly still, and her eyes held mine with hesitant curiosity.
From the way she was looking at me, I wondered if she’d have let me kiss her—and that thought alone sent me spiraling.
I remembered her murmuring from the night before, when she opened up about her past and why she’d built this house the way she did. “For people like me.”
Was she… Did she want to kiss me?
Was I leading her on?
“I’m not—I can’t…” I stuttered out the words, fighting to swallow the soup that seemed determined to crawl back up my throat. My chest constricted with guilt and shame. Guilt at the hurt I could cause her, and shame at the simple fact that I’d allowed myself to relax enough to let her in.
This was exactly how I lost everything once—by letting myself believe I deserved more.
It was bad enough simply calling her my friend; that was already too close, too dangerous. Anything more than that… it would be catastrophic. The deeper we dove into whatever this was, the harder it would hit her later—when I removed myself from the picture.
I forced my legs under me, standing before my emotions could betray me further. “I have to go.”
At that, River’s expression caved and she slid to her feet. “I’m sorry, I overstepped. I didn’t mean to–”
“It’s not you,” I cut in, pressing my fists to my eyes. “You’ve been wonderful. I just—I’m being unfair to you.”
River tilted her head, confusion contorting her features. “I don’t follow.”
I dropped my hands to my sides, shaking all over. “You’re going to end up hurt when this is over. Whether we take down the organization or not, this—” I gestured between us, frustration coloring my words. “It’s not going to end well. I need you to know that.”
“What are you talking about?” River took a cautious step closer and I backed further away. “We have a whole coven helping us, things are going to be just fine—”
“You don’t get it.” I bit the words out and River stilled mid-step.
I threw my hands up, frustration bubbling over.
“Even if we bring down the organization, even if I kill every target on my list…” I wheezed out a bitter laugh, half hysterical in my outburst. “When all of this is over, I’m taking myself out too.
That’s the grand plan, all right? Always has been. ”
River’s expression remained unchanged, but it sat solid on her face like a mask, hiding the emotion underneath. “Laurie—”
“That’s why I need you to step away now, before you—before we—” My voice cracked and my shoulders drooped like dead foliage. “Before I hurt you.”
River’s voice was a whisper, more of a statement than a question. “You’re going to kill yourself.”
I dropped my eyes to the floor, laid bare and whittled down to nothing.
River inched forward a step. “Laurie, you can’t—you don’t have to—”
“Don’t.” The word ripped through me, not a shout so much as a crack of lightning sparking off my tongue. “Just, don’t. I’m done with empty promises that things will get better, okay? I’m done.”