Chapter 5 #2
My eyes opened, but it was like being underwater and looking up at the distorted surface. My head was quiet and empty. It didn’t matter what happened to my body now because I wasn’t there.
“Ember?” a muffled voice asked.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure, but she’s stopped responding. Look at her pupils.”
A bright light shone in my eyes, but I didn’t flinch.
This place was comforting in a strange way—familiar.
More importantly, it was safe. Just like always, the words from medical textbooks surfaced as though they’d been waiting for me.
They were the ropes I clung to, keeping myself anchored here when the outside world threatened to pull me out.
The sequential steps in evaluating lacerations are first to find and treat serious associated injuries, obtain hemostasis, and look for damage to underlying structures, I recited in my head.
Vaguely, I could hear people calling my name and speaking around me, but I knew better than to respond.
Actively bleeding wounds require hemostasis before evaluation. Hemostasis is best obtained by direct pressure and, when possible, elevation. Clamping bleeding vessels with instruments is generally avoided because of the possibility of damaging adjacent nerves.
“I don’t like this,” Sable’s voice filtered through.
Careful and temporary placement of a proximal tourniquet ? —
“What’s happening?” My brother’s voice sliced through the ropes I clung to, making me float dangerously close to the surface again. “Why is she… gone? ”
Fingers pressed against my neck, taking my pulse. “This seems—it seems like a trauma response.”
— may enhance visualization of hand and finger wounds.
Their words became more muffled as I put renewed focus on trying to remember the rest of the text.
Wound evaluation requires good lighting. Magnification can help. A full evaluation may require ? —
“Lee, you said she hyperventilated earlier?” Sable’s voice cut through the fog again.
“Yeah. Her clothes were soaked and fuckin’ frozen, and I had to get her in something dry and warm. No, Wolf, don’t fuckin’ start with me. I don’t need any help feelin’ like shit. I already feel like a monster for undressing her while she panicked and begged me to stop.”
“Fuck, man,” someone muttered.
A full evaluation may require ? —
I tried to remember the rest of the text, but the words wouldn’t come. The voices around me rose in volume, dragging my attention away again.
“Wolf!” Sable sounded frustrated. “My point is, think about why your sister might be losing her shit about people taking off her clothes.”
Breathing grew difficult again. The air seemed to grow thick with emotion.
A full evaluation may require ? —
My throat constricted with panic. I couldn’t remember?—
“Wolf?” a voice asked, maybe Kai, but there was no answer.
The voices were low now, tinged with worry as they faded in and out of my head.
“—to be upset, Wolf,” Scar murmured.
I tried to block them out, but despite my best efforts, I began to feel my body again.
“Twelve years is a long time to?—.”
A full evaluation may require ? —
“—doesn’t change anything.” Wolf’s voice was hard, now.
“It does, though; she’s still your sister.”
“And she’s still a murderer.”
My lungs betrayed me, inhaling a sharp, pained breath, and everyone’s eyes snapped to me.
“Ember?” Sable asked. “You back with us?”
Returning to myself hurt and made me painfully aware of every part of my body; and as usual, nausea rose and dragged my anxiety with it. I curled my shoulders, trying to shrink back, and hid my trembling hands in the blanket. I didn’t look at Sable.
“We didn’t look at the scar,” he said, calm and quiet. I would’ve known he was a healer just by his voice. “The only reason we’d ever go against your wishes is if you had a serious injury that needed care.”
I stared at the floor, wishing I’d drowned in the river. I hated that my brother was seeing how broken I really was—the paint chipping off and revealing the cracks below.
“Ember.”
I tensed at Wolf’s voice.
“Why did you go in the river?”
I pressed my lips together and didn’t answer.
“No, you don’t get to do that. I deserve some answers.” His voice sharpened, and he stepped forward, nudging Sable with his leg.
Sable shifted backward, making room for Wolf to sit beside me. My heart started beating faster as I glanced at him. He stared at me with a severe expression.
“Ember, answer me. What were you thinking?”
“Why do you care?” I mumbled.
His eyebrows shot up before his eyes narrowed. “Ember,” he snapped, “you could have died .”
I almost laughed. “So what, it matters where I die?”
“What?” he demanded.
“You’re taking me to Carth to be killed.”
“No, I’m taking you to have a trial,” he growled.
“Same thing.”
“Godsdamnit, Em,” Wolf snapped, “will you just answer the question?”
“What the fuck do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me the truth, ” he growled. “Why did you go in that river? Were you trying to drown?”
“No,” I muttered, which was mostly true.
“Where were you trying to go?”
Home .
“Back to the Vault?” he pushed.
I stared hard at the worn texture of the couch. “Yes.”
“Were you torturing people for Madame?”
Shame swept over me, and I didn’t answer.
“How long have you been at the Vault?”
I tried to focus on taking deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth.
“Ember!” He sounded like he used to when I was a kid and wasn’t listening. “Where the fuck have you been?”
My stomach flipped with anxiety. There was a good chance he knew who the Reapers were, their reputation, and what they did. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter?” His voice darkened even further.
“Wolf,” Sable warned, placing a hand on his leg.
“I have spent the last twelve fuckin’ years searchin’ everywhere for you after you ran away,” Wolf snarled, ignoring him. “So I’d say it does fuckin’ matter.”
“I didn’t run away,” I repeated wearily, wondering why I even bothered.
“Right, because you were exiled. ” His voice dripped with scorn.
Hopelessness swept over me. I had no way to prove I didn’t run away. It would always be Pa’s word against mine, and Wolf would never go against Pa.
“You know, I expected you to have a better lie all planned out after all this time,” Wolf said, his voice bitter.
All of this was just so fucking pointless.
My entire life was fucking pointless. I had these healing powers, but everyone I ever loved still died.
I suffered, but it didn’t atone me for anything.
I killed Madame. I killed Juck. I spilled their blood and let it stain my soul to keep them from hurting anyone else, but it was always too little too late.
I kept trying to do good, to make up for everything I’d done, but all I brought was death. Maybe I deserved to die for all of it. Maybe that was the only option left for atonement.
But not at Carth.
“I’m not goin’ back.”
Wolf’s eyes snapped to mine. “What?”
“I’m not goin’ back to Carth.”
My brother’s eyes flashed like green fire. “I don’t recall askin’ for your opinion.”
I felt my temper rise in response, and it was such a relief to feel something . “If you want a trial, fine. Give me a fuckin’ trial right here. ’Cause I’m not goin’ back there.”
“You’ll go wherever I decide you’ll go,” he growled.
“You try to take me back, and I’m gonna fight you every single fuckin’ step of the way.”
Something like amusement flashed across his face. “I think the six of us can handle you.”
Rage burned hot behind my eyes, but my stomach dropped. He was right. They could handle me. I could fight as hard as I physically could, but it would probably still be fucking easy for them to drag me back.
“Has it ever fuckin’ occurred to you that you might be wrong?” I seethed.
“Why do you think I’m tryin’ to ask you questions?” he snapped. “But you won’t tell me anything!”
“You’re not actually asking! You’re tryin’ to manipulate whatever I say into what you think happened!”
“That is not true, Ember.”
“You never listen to me?—”
“I listen!” he shouted. “I always listened. I listened to you lie over and over, Ember! What the fuck else was I supposed to do?”
“Then why are you asking me any questions at all?” I shouted back. “Why fuckin’ bother if you’re so sure I’m just gonna lie?”
“Because I keep hopin’ one of these times you’ll tell me the fuckin’ truth!”
Furious tears filled my eyes. “No, you just want me to be a monster so you don’t have to feel guilty ? — ”
He grabbed the front of my blanket with both hands and jerked me closer, ignoring my flinch, his eyes glittering. “Why the fuck would I feel guilty? I didn’t do anything!”
“Exactly!” I hissed. “You didn’t do a damn thing.”
“You murdered Dune. What the fuck was I supposed to do?” he snarled.
“You were supposed to believe me! You were supposed to protect me! All the things you promised ? —”
“Protect you? I should’ve protected Dune from you!” he raged.
The pain in my chest was so sharp I almost looked to see if I was bleeding. “How could you think I would ever hurt Dune?”
“Because I was there, Ember! I watched Dune die lookin’ at you with fear in his eyes and beggin’ you to stop!”
I couldn’t breathe again. I could see that fear in Dune’s eyes as he stared at me. He’d never looked at me like that before. He must have known I was trying to heal him, right? He didn’t die thinking I was trying to hurt him…right?
“And then you fuckin’ disappeared. I couldn’t find a trace of you anywhere. I haven’t been home in twelve damn years ’cause the council made it real clear not to bother comin’ back without you.”
“So that’s what it is,” I realized, exhaustion sweeping over me. “I’m just your key to gettin’ back to Carth.”
“No! I want to get answers! I want justice for my brother!” he growled, shaking me slightly.
My brother. Not our brother. I stared at him, feeling almost as hollow and empty as I did when I stood in Madame’s cell. Every ounce of my will to fight seemed to evaporate.
“Fine. Yes, I killed Dune. Yes, I ran away. I’m a lying murderer, so just kill me now and get it over with. Drag my body back and display it for the whole hold to see for all I care.”
He stared at me, his brow furrowed, emotion flashing through his eyes. The room was so quiet.
“Why won’t you go back to Carth?” Wolf asked.
I was done answering questions. I pulled back, and to my surprise, Wolf released the blanket. I huddled back in my corner of the couch, wrapping my arms around my legs and burying my face in my knees. No one moved for a long time, and then the couch shifted as Wolf stood.
“Lee, Scar, Sable,” he ordered in a clipped voice as he strode away.
I heard the door open and shut and then, after a second, open and shut again. Emotion built in my chest, but my eyes stayed painfully dry.
“Hey.”
I startled at the voice so close to me, lifting my head just enough to meet Kai’s gaze. He crouched in front of where I sat on the couch, his brows drawn together slightly. He held up a plate with a sliced apple and a sandwich.
“You should eat something,” he said.
I buried my face in my knees again. Maybe I’d get lucky and starve to death before we reached Carth.
I had no idea how many days had passed since they took me from the Vault, but the last thing I’d eaten was the piece of dried meat Lee gave me.
I wasn’t sure how long I could go without eating, but the longest Juck ever made me go was three weeks and two days, and I sure felt like I was dying by the end of it.
“C’mon, I made it myself, and everyone says I’m the best cook in this crew.”
Someone snorted in amusement from the other side of the room.
“You disagreeing with me, Tuck?” Kai asked.
“Let’s just say it’s a good thing all you had to do was put some meat between two slices of bread,” Tuck answered.
“Well, it’s better than whatever stew you made yesterday,” Kai shot back.
“I’m not the one claimin’ to be the best cook.’”
Kai grumbled under his breath, but their interaction sounded more playful than angry. It reminded me painfully of Mac’s—of my crew. I just wanted to go home.
“C’mon, Ember, how you gonna fight with Wolf if you don’t keep your strength up?” Kai nudged my leg.
I tried to shift farther away into the corner.
“Of course, you’re as stubborn as he is,” Kai sighed.
“Guess we should’ve seen that coming.” Tuck sounded amused.
“Two Wolfs,” Kai muttered, but I heard him stand. “If we survive this, it’ll be a godsdamned miracle.”
Tuck huffed a laugh.
“Ember, I’m gonna leave this plate on the couch next to you. Just in case you miraculously come to your senses.”
In the silence that followed, my mind drifted, but the cloud of misery hanging over me was full of thoughts and memories of Dune, Trey, Mac, and my crew.
Desperate to think of anything else, I started reciting a chapter on respiratory infections, which helped.
My eyelids grew heavy again. I could hear one of them in the kitchen, and the sound of dishes and cabinets opening and closing was almost soothing.
I was nearly asleep when the door opened again.
I kept my body still and loose, breathing evenly.
If there was anything I was really fucking good at doing, it was pretending to be asleep.
“She asleep?” I heard Wolf ask in a low voice.
“I think so,” Tuck answered.
“She didn’t eat?” Wolf sounded frustrated.
“Has she eaten anything since we got her?” Scar asked, her voice troubled.
“I got her to eat some dried meat right before she took off,” Lee said.
“No wonder she’s so tiny,” Tuck muttered.
“We can try again when she wakes up,” Sable interjected, his voice calm.
“What’s the plan?” Kai asked from the kitchen.
“We got movement. So we’ll play this like we did in Old Flagstaff,” Wolf answered, and the room’s energy abruptly shifted to something serious and focused.
“You want me to leave the bait?” Lee asked.
“I’ll get in position,” Tuck said, his chair creaking as he stood.
I listened with growing dread. I didn’t understand what they were saying, but I was confident I wouldn’t like whatever it meant. Bait? Who were they trying to trap?
Please don’t be anyone from the Vault.
I forced that thought away. I couldn’t think about that, or I’d really lose my shit. It couldn’t be anyone from the Vault. Maybe it was raiders. Maybe they were just hunting.
“In the meantime, get some rest,” Wolf ordered.
Murmured agreements answered him. The couch shifted like someone sat on the other end, but I still didn’t move.
I could hear people talking in low voices from the hallway, but soon the room was quiet.
I wanted to peek out and see who was sitting on the couch, but I didn’t dare.
I doubted they’d left me without someone on watch, even if they did think I was asleep.
I focused on breathing deeply and evenly, keeping up my pretense, and listening to the fire crackle in the fireplace. It wasn’t long before I pretended myself right into actually falling asleep.