Chapter 11
I didn’t go back to Nemo’s house.
I didn’t have a destination in mind, but I wasn’t surprised when I found myself standing beside Trey’s grave.
It smelled like springtime outside. The wind had a hint of warmth, a promise of new life.
The patches of snow were worn thin, and the mud squished soft under my boots.
Birds sang in the trees. The entire world around me hovered on the verge of exploding with life and growth, and my entire world lay six feet under a pile of dirt.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Trey would be furious at me if he’d witnessed that conversation with Wolf.
I hated that I shut down instead of explaining. Why would I let Wolf think all those horrible things about me? Probably the same reason I couldn’t even let a healer examine the fucking brand on my chest. Escaping from Juck didn’t fix me. He was dead, and I was still broken.
My legs felt like they were about to give out on me, so I sat.
Then I just gave up entirely and lay down, curling up on my side next to Trey’s grave.
The wet mud quickly soaked into my clothes and hair, but I couldn’t find it in me to care.
As cold as I felt, it didn’t even matter.
If I couldn’t freeze to death in an icy river, I wasn’t going to die lying here in the cold mud, no matter how much I wanted to.
At least, I could agree with Wolf on one thing: I was also glad Mom couldn’t see what I’d become.
Dune lied?
No. Wolf had to be lying. He had to be. Dune would never, never lie to me, especially about something like that. He couldn’t have lied because if he did, then everything I went through was even more fucking pointless. If I could’ve just told Wolf the truth from the beginning, none of this?—
I shoved those thoughts down, swallowing the bile creeping up my throat, and clenched my trembling hands. Gods, I wished Trey were here.
I closed my eyes and tried to focus—to see if I could sense any little bit of Trey’s spirit. I’d felt something in the river and when Wolf had a gun to my head, and maybe it was just because I thought I was about to die both times, but it felt real.
Please, Trey. Please don’t leave me. I need you.
Only silence answered, and I felt every single one of those broken shards of my heart with agonizing clarity.
I opened my eyes and watched the fluffy clouds slowly travel across the sky. I could hear the horses whinnying in the pasture, the sound of hammers as people repaired a nearby roof, and children yelling and shrieking as they played. The Vault was healing, moving on, rebuilding. Why couldn’t I?
Even as I wondered it, I knew the answer. I was stuck here in this mud because every part of me that wanted to live was buried in this grave.
“Freckles?”
I cracked my eyes open and stared at Lee, of all people. Behind his head, the sun had moved halfway across the sky. I’d apparently been lying here for a few hours.
He glanced at the grave marker. Realization dawned on his face before he turned back to me. “So this is Trey,” he said carefully. “Everyone has been very tightlipped about him. Guess this explains why.”
I didn’t respond.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
Everyone was sorry. I was so fucking sick of sorry.
“You should probably come inside and warm up,” he tried after a moment. “Your lips are gettin’ kinda blue.”
I closed my eyes again, hoping uselessly that he’d leave.
“Wolf’s gonna be tearing this place up lookin’ for you in about two minutes.”
I doubted it. I was pretty sure Wolf didn’t want to see my face ever again.
Lee was talking again, but I tried to tune him out and focus on the sound of the wind in the trees and the feel of the dirt beneath my fingers.
My eyes snapped open when a hand grabbed my arm and hauled me up to sit. The mud released me with a sucking sound, and I met Lee’s dark eyes. He crouched next to me, his hand still gripping my arm.
“If you don’t stand up, I’m going to pick you up,” he said.
“Go away,” I said woodenly.
He smirked. “You think I want your brother to cut off my balls?”
He’d said that before—right before I tricked him and ran away. If my brother didn’t cut his balls off for that, I was pretty sure it was an empty threat. I wanted to tell him Wolf probably didn’t care anymore, but I didn’t have the energy.
“C’mon, Ember,” he said evenly, “get up.”
I tried to yank my arm away. “Go. Away,” I repeated. “I’m fine .”
He didn’t release my arm, and his eyebrows raised. “You’re fine ? You’re laying next to a grave in the wet mud without a jacket, and it’s barely above freezing out here.”
“It’s not gonna kill me,” I said numbly.
He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. “I’m having’ flashbacks to Moab,” he grumbled, but he slid an arm under my legs and another behind my back and carefully lifted me. “You and your brother are somethin’ else.”
I didn’t fight him. My head thudded into his chest. He wore a soft flannel shirt instead of the camo uniform and tactical gear he’d been wearing when he fished me out of the river. I felt a flicker of curiosity, wondering what he was talking about, but then it died.
He started striding down the small hill, stepping carefully in the wet mud and slush. “How long has it been?” he asked quietly, but I didn’t answer. “Does Wolf know?” He paused again, waiting, before continuing. “Gonna guess that means no.” He was quiet for a while before asking, “You love him?”
My mouth suddenly came unstuck. “No, I just like laying in the freezing mud.”
He let out a startled laugh. “Alright, smartass, that was a stupid question. I’m sorry,” I felt his steps falter. “Ah fuck, ok, Freckles, please don’t throw me to the wolves.”
I looked up to see Mac storming toward us with a purpose that seemed dangerous.
“Hey, man,” Lee said evenly, “I tried to get her?—”
Mac reached out as if he were about to wrench me from Lee’s arms, but Lee evaded him with graceful movement.
“She’s not hurt, but she’s cold and covered in mud,” Lee said, somehow not backing down from the murderous look in Mac’s eyes. “Is there any hot water here?”
“I’m fine, Mac,” I muttered.
Mac glared at both of us for a long moment. “No,” he said, “but Madame’s old place has a tub.”
“Can we go there?” Lee asked.
Mac hesitated but finally nodded.
He led the way, and Lee followed. The people we passed gave me wide, concerned looks. Mac stopped, and I realized he was giving one of the older kids a message to pass on to Wolf.
“Tell him I’m here, too,” Lee added. “I’m Lee.”
The kid looked between Lee and Mac hesitantly. Mac glared at Lee but finally nodded, and the kid took off.
“I’m only lettin’ you stay ’cause it’ll keep Wolf off my ass,” Mac muttered.
“Can’t promise that,” Lee responded, his lips twitching upward.
Mac glanced at me again, frowning as he scanned all the mud. “Did you fall?”
“She was lying in the mud in the cemetery,” Lee said quietly. “I figured I probably shouldn’t let her stay there.”
Pain and understanding flashed across Mac’s face. “Come on, we’re almost there.”
Madame’s house had been gutted, and all her furniture had been distributed to people in need.
Nemo had moved all her records and books to his place.
There were talks of making her house into a multi-family unit or maybe a school, but it still sat empty.
Now that half the hold had been killed or exiled in the uprising, there was no longer a housing shortage.
Mac took a ring of keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door. Warmth washed over me, and I looked at the low fire burning in the woodstove in surprise.
“You’re keeping this place heated?” Lee asked, his voice curious.
“Gotta keep the water pipes from freezin’,” Mac replied, adding more wood to the fire.
“Ahh, sure,” Lee said, slowly turning in a circle to survey the space with me still in his arms.
“Put me down.”
He carefully set me on my feet. Pieces of half-dried mud flaked off my body and onto the floor, and I grimaced as I touched the stiff side of my hair. I walked over to the woodstove and huddled next to it, shivering. Mac disappeared into an adjoining room, and I heard water turning on.
Mac returned, striding directly to where I stood by the fire. He stopped in front of me, studying me with his sharp eyes. “What happened, Em?”
What happened? I just found out the one person in the world I thought I could implicitly trust possibly lied to me and set off the horrible chain of events that led to my miserable fucking life.
“They met Lana,” I said instead, my voice dull. “That’s how they found me.”
Mac turned to look at Lee. “You talked to Lana?”
“Guess Wolf told you about that?” Lee asked.
Mac swore under his breath. “What did she say?”
Lee glanced between us, but when I didn’t volunteer any information, he sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Well, she said Ember got her brother killed, and these are her words, not mine, but she said Ember ‘fucked her way into the Vault’ and got her exiled?—”
Mac barked a harsh laugh, interrupting him. “Are you fuckin’ serious?”
“That’s what she told us.” Lee shrugged.
Mac looked at me expectantly as if he thought I would set the record straight, but I just sank to the floor in front of the wood stove. Wolf hadn’t mentioned that bit about me fucking my way into the Vault. I wondered who she was telling people I fucked. Mac? Trey? Madame? Nausea washed over me.
“Em,” Mac growled, “please tell me you told Wolf what really happened.”
I stared at the flames, wishing I were anywhere else.
The only thing worse than feeling this grief and emptiness was the embarrassment over feeling it.
I knew it was ridiculous to lie in the mud next to a grave.
I knew it was fucking dumb to let my brother believe lies about me.
Did they think I wanted to be like this?
Mac dropped to a crouch, his eyes flashing as he grabbed my arm. “Godsdamnit, Em.”
“Hey,” Lee moved closer, “Mac, you need to take a minute?”