Chapter 11 #3
He went quiet as I tried to wring more water from my hair. My stomach settled as the scent faded, but the embarrassment grew. I had to add soap to the list of things I couldn’t handle. My back ached from staying bent over like this, but the dull ache was so familiar now I barely noticed.
“Does your back ever still hurt?”
My stomach dropped as I realized he was staring at the top of my scarred back, visible above the towel. I quickly shifted so my back faced the fire, and he met my eyes.
He grimaced. “Sorry, I just haven’t seen your back since I carried you back from the watchtower when it was bleedin’ all over the place.”
Cold water dripped down my neck, making me shiver. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,” he snapped, but his eyes were pained. “You never should’ve taken those lashes.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Fault didn’t matter.” He held my gaze, his dark eyes so serious. “I was tryin’ to take some of the hurt.”
I stared at him without really seeing him, suddenly tongue-tied and uneasy. Maybe if you stopped trying to be a godsdamn martyr, you’d see that. His words from all those months ago ran through my head again. He winced, and I focused on him again, furrowing my brow in concern.
“Sorry, I was just rememberin’ some of the shit I said to you,” he said, averting his eyes and rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.
“You already apologized for all of this twice,” I reminded him.
“I know,” he muttered. He let out a heavy sigh and then looked back up at me. “Does your back ever still hurt?” he repeated his earlier question.
I hesitated. “Yeah,” I finally admitted.
“What helps?”
“I have an oil infusion,” I said, then stopped.
He raised an eyebrow. “But?”
“But I can’t really put it on by myself.”
Pain flashed through his eyes. “Trey would do it for you?”
I nodded, my heart aching.
“If you feel comfortable with it, I’d help,” he said. “And if you’d prefer someone else, you know any of the others would help in a heartbeat, right?”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t—” I stopped, desperately trying to figure out what I was trying to say.
You don’t ever need to apologize for your scars. These scars are proof that you survived. That you walked through fire, and you came out the other side. You’re a godsdamned warrior, Bones, and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
I squeezed my eyes shut as though that would do anything against the painful memory of Trey’s words.
“He was right.” Mac’s gruff voice startled me, and it took me a moment to realize it was because I heard it inside my fucking head .
Inside.
My.
Fucking.
Head.
“What?!” My eyes popped open with a gasp.
He froze, eyes widening. “ Can you hear me?”
“Yes.” My heart was pounding. “ Can you hear me?”
“Yes.” He grimaced. “ I think you’ve been sending me some of your thoughts.”
“Oh my gods. ” Panic surged up my throat.
“I swear I’m trying not to hear them. ” He looked worried. “ It just started during the firefight at the cabin. And at first, I thought I was just imagining it.”
Sending my thoughts? How was this happening? How would I stop doing it if I didn’t know how I was doing it? My thoughts were the only thing I had that was mine. What the fuck was I going to do about?—
I forced myself to slam a door on that thought, terrified he might hear it, my heart pounding. For a long time, we simply sat and stared at each other.
“I didn’t mean to, uh, overhear that.” He paused, and I could feel the weight of his grief. “ But Trey was right.”
I looked away, pulling the towel tighter around my body.
“You know, I’d never seen him in love before. Guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that he just knew when he saw you and dove in headfirst. That’s how he did every other fuckin’ thing.” A tiny bit of amusement tangled with the sorrow in his words.
Gods, this pain felt like it might tear me apart.
“I know. Some days, I wonder if it might be possible to die from it.”
Why was it comforting to hear he hurt, too? How fucking selfish was that? I shivered hard. “ Can you always hear me ?”.
He started shrugging his jacket off as he answered out loud, “Not always. Seems like I have to be in the same room or at least be able to see you.”
He draped his jacket around my shoulders and pulled it shut, buttoning it for me as I worked my arms into the sleeves. The cell under the watchtower flashed through my memory again. Had I ever thanked him for that?
“Thank you for what you did under the watchtower,” I said shakily.
He glanced up as he finished buttoning his jacket around me. “I didn’t do much.”
“You did,” I whispered, and his brow furrowed. I struggled to convey what I felt. “I wouldn’t… wouldn’t have gotten through it…without you.”
“I don’t think that’s true. ” He gave me a half smile. “ But I’m glad it helped.”
I studied his face. His thick black hair was longer than when we’d first met. It hung in his face and had a slight wave to it. I liked it. It made him look less reserved, but in a good way. He’d let his dark stubble grow out more than usual, and the scar on his cheek disappeared into it.
“Can you hear everything I think? ”
“I’m not sure.” He grinned, both dimples appearing. “ Glad you like my hair, though.”
I felt my face flame hot, and my eyes narrowed into a glare.
“ Less reserved, huh? ” His eyes crinkled with humor. “That’s pretty rich comin’ from you.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I demanded.
“ It means that most of the time, I have no idea what’s goin’ on in your head.”
I crossed my arms, which were swimming in his jacket sleeves. “ Well, I could say the same about you.”
My powers kept changing, and I didn’t like it. Or maybe they were just getting stronger now that I used them more often. I remembered that wild, raw power flowing through me and shivered. I never would’ve imagined I’d be able to heal ten fatal injuries at once. And now mind powers?
What the fuck were we going to do about this?
“I’m not tryin’ to hear your thoughts, I swear,” he said. “And I haven’t told anyone about it.”
My eyebrows raised, unable to hide my surprise.
“I wasn’t gonna tell anyone else until I figured out how to tell you ,” he frowned.
“You are… way too calm about this.”
“Well, I’ve also had some time to think about it.”
“Don’t tell anyone,” I blurted out.
He frowned. “Why?”
“I just…I need some time.”
His frown deepened, and I wondered if he could tell it was only a half-truth.
The truth was, I wasn’t sure time would make me feel any better about this development.
I tried to picture my powers forming walls like a golden vault around my mind.
If I could keep them behind thick walls and a locked door, maybe I could keep my thoughts in my own head.
What if I started sharing my thoughts with others?—
“How’d you do that?” Mac asked sharply.
I startled. “Do what?”
“You got real quiet, and then I couldn’t hear you for a second.”
A flicker of hope stirred in my chest, and I focused again on picturing the golden light of my powers forming thick walls around my mind. I watched him, and all the muscles in his face seemed to tense at once.
“How are you doin’ that?” he asked.
“I just pictured my powers like a…a wall around my mind.”
His frown deepened.
“Does…does that upset you?” I asked hesitantly.
His eyes flashed to mine for a moment before looking away again. “No, it doesn’t upset me.” He paused. “But I won’t lie, hearing some of what you’re thinkin’ makes me a lot less worried.”
I blinked, taken aback. “Worried about what?”
“You.” He fixed me with a pointed look.
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
He closed his eyes briefly, exhaling heavily through his nose. “You’ve been a ghost for months, and I had no idea what you were thinkin’ or how to help. Of course, I’m gonna worry, Em.”
I clutched his jacket tighter around myself, unsure what to say, but then he continued.
“And then, after I finally got you to open up a little and talk to me, you fuckin’ vanished.
” He dragged a hand through his hair, leaving it even more disheveled.
“When I returned to the clinic, and it was empty, I knew somethin’ wasn’t right.
I tried to chalk it up to bein’ paranoid, but then Apple found me, and I almost took off into the woods after you with no weapons or anything. ”
My chest constricted painfully. “The whole time they were draggin’ me away, the only thing I could think was—” I tried to swallow the emotion creeping up my throat, “—you’d probably never know w-what happened. I thought Wolf was gonna kill me, and I?—”
My voice broke off as I struggled to keep my composure. Mac offered a hand again, palm up. I took it without hesitation, and he gripped my cold fingers tightly.
I’m not gonna stop. Not until you realize you’re worth fightin’ for.
“I tried to run.” I needed him to know I didn’t immediately give up. “I tried to get back here, I promise.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw as he studied my face. “Is that when you jumped in the river?”
I grimaced. “I did not jump in. I was tryin’ to cross. It was my only chance to throw Wolf off.”
“Sable said you were in the river for four or five hours,” his voice was dark.
I shuddered, remembering how painful the icy cold had been. “I washed up on a tree but wasn’t strong enough to get out.”
He squeezed my hand a little tighter. “You could have died, Em.”
“I know,” I mumbled miserably. “I didn’t?—”
The door abruptly opening startled both of us. My heart leapt into overdrive as Wolf strode into the house, his eyes flashing. He scanned me and Mac on the floor by the woodstove with a thunderous look.
“Get out!” I snapped at him, releasing Mac’s hand to clutch his jacket tighter around me.
Behind him, Kai, Scar, and Lee stepped in, and I glared at all of them, horrified.
“Well, this is awkward,” Kai muttered.
“Get dressed, Ember,” Wolf ordered, his expression growing darker by the second. “We’re going back to Carth.”