Chapter 19 #2
It took me a moment to get the words out. “I don’t know.”
“You know we’d never do that, right?”
“ I would.”
“Well, that’s—” he broke off, staring at me. “Wait, what do you mean you would?”
“Sam, if he comes here and threatens to kill everyone, I’m gonna hand myself over.”
He stared at me. “What? Weren’t you just furious thinking that’s what Nemo would do?”
“No,” the realization crashed over me as I spoke out loud, “It wasn’t about giving me to him. It was about using me like a…a game piece.” I swallowed hard. “You all made me feel like a p-person again, and I thought I was findin’ out it was a trick, that nobody really saw me that way.”
He was quiet for several breaths. “I’m glad we made you feel like a person again ’cause that’s how we’ve always seen you.”
“I know,” I said, managing a watery smile.
“But can we go back to the part where you’re planning on handin’ yourself over to the Mental Menace?”
“I’m not planning on it, but I’m not gonna just sit here and hide if he threatens to hurt people.”
“There’s no fuckin?—”
“ Sam, ” I interrupted fiercely, “I will do whatever it takes to keep him from killin’ anyone here.”
He glared at me, but I saw the flash of fear in his eyes. “Alright, let’s make a deal,” he said, his voice rough.
I eyed him warily. “What?”
“If it comes to that, and you’re gonna hand yourself over, take me with you.”
“I can’t?—”
“No, Emmy, listen. I keep tryin’ to build my strength back up, but it doesn’t seem to work.
I get tired so easily, I can’t fight in hand-to-hand combat, and my hands shake too much to shoot accurately.
” His voice broke slightly. “Do you know how much it killed me that I couldn’t go with them to get you back? I had to sit here and wait .”
This guilt was going to eat me alive. “I’m so sorry, Sam, I?—”
He grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. “I don’t regret it. I’d do it again, even knowin’ the outcome. But at the same time, it kills me how useless I am.”
“You’re not useless,” I whispered.
“I’m useless as a Safeguard, and that’s just a fact.
” His eyes held mine with an intensity I hadn’t seen before.
“I can’t go on missions ’cause I’m a liability, but I can find new ways to help.
And if you’re gonna just sacrifice yourself, I can at least come with you so you don’t have to do it alone. ”
My eyes overflowed. “He might hurt you. He might kill you.”
“I’m willing to take that risk.”
“Sam, I can’t…I can’t let you get hurt for me.”
“Emmy,” his voice was so quiet and pained. “You’re askin’ me to be alright with you gettin’ hurt for all of us, and I’m not gonna try to talk you out of it ’cause you’re stubborn as a fuckin’ mule, but gods, please let me come with you.”
“The last time I let somebody come with me—” I choked out, but I couldn’t finish.
“I know,” he squeezed my hand hard again. “But he made that choice, and I’m makin’ this one. Please, don’t take that choice from me. I don’t have many left.”
I stared at him with tears sliding down my face, but my protests died at the tears glimmering in his eyes.
He was letting me see this pain he’d been carrying, and I hated that he felt useless, that his only available option was this.
His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard, but then he shifted and, with his free hand, pulled another handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to me.
“Besides, if I don’t come with you, who’s gonna supply you with all these quality kerchiefs?”
I couldn’t tell if I was laughing or crying as I took it and wiped my wet face. It was a familiar feeling, the nausea of fear and the relief and gratitude all mixed together. I wanted to refuse, but I kept wrestling with the memory of Trey telling me I was trying to control everything.
Finally, I let out a shaky breath. “Ok.”
His eyes lit up. “Yeah?”
“On one condition.”
“Ok, let’s hear it.”
“You have to promise to try to stay alive.” My voice wobbled, but I held his gaze.
He suddenly held up his free hand with only his little finger sticking out. “We’ll swear an oath.”
I furrowed my brow, confused.
He rolled his eyes at me. “C’mon, gimme your finger.”
I copied him, and he gripped my little finger with his, wrapping them together. “I swear I’ll try my damndest to stay alive.” He looked at me expectantly.
“I swear I’ll let you come with me,” I said shakily.
He squeezed my finger once more and then released it. “There’s magic in that oath, so don’t you dare break it.”
Fifteen minutes later, the door burst open, and Wolf must have fucking sprinted up the ladder with how fast he appeared.
Sam and I jumped, staring at him—me from where I sat on the mattress against the wall writing in the healer’s notebook, and Sam from where he was lying beside me, tossing a pair of rolled-up socks in the air like a ball.
Wolf went from furious to confused to irritated at a speed that made me dizzy. “Brought you both some dinner.”
He stalked over to hand me my broth and tossed Sam his ration. Sam was grinning madly, and Wolf glared at him, his jaw flexing.
“We’re not fucking,” I stated calmly.
Wolf’s head snapped toward me. “What?”
“Sam and I,” I took a sip of broth, “we’re not fucking.”
Wolf looked at Sam.
“What are you lookin’ at me for? She’s not lyin’,” Sam said, sitting up to unwrap his food.
Wolf glared at us a moment longer before storming back to the ladder and disappearing. We listened to the clinic door slam shut.
“What are you gonna do when you do want to fuck someone?” Sam asked, taking a bite of his sandwich.
Pain stabbed through me, but I forced myself to push it down, to pretend like the thought of being intimate with someone didn’t make the broken shards of my heart dig deeper into my flesh.
“Convince you to create a diversion?”
I didn’t have to pretend to laugh when he nearly choked on his food.