1.
FARRAH
“This is my early Valentine's gift to you,” my friend, Janis, said as she set the tower of cupcakes and pastries on the table. As she slid it toward the middle, she said, “And not only are there some for you to eat now, but I made a box of treats for you to take with you when you leave.”
“You’re better at this Valentine’s thing than any man I’ve ever dated,” Moe said as she looked at the goodies in front of her. She was a woman in the program who I had met years ago in prison and had recently been hired right along with me at a new business venture created by Zoey Duke. “If you don’t stop, we’re going to need to find trainers because hanging out with you is like an engraved invitation to the diabetes ball.”
“I’ve got a deal under the table with some doctor friends of mine, so I’m not really just generous because of my understanding and giving nature.” Janis flipped me off when I snickered and then continued, “I’m really just drumming up business for them, so they’ll give me kickbacks in the form of free lab work and mammograms.”
“I knew you were on the take,” Moe grumbled.
After some good-natured teasing and an offer from Janis for free mammograms, something I hadn’t experienced yet, we talked about her plans for the future and had a few more laughs. By the time the meeting was over, we each had an assignment from Janis that would help some of the other women she was taking under her wing and a natural high from the sugar she’d served us and the productive meeting we’d just had.
As I was walking out the front door to go home, I saw one of the other women who had recently started living at the halfway house with me and Moe standing on the corner up ahead. I called Moe’s name, and she looked that way in time to see the woman hop into a car with a man we’d never seen and then speed away.
“There’s something off about her,” Moe said as she opened the passenger door of my new-to-me but not-so-gently used car. The door made a horrible screeching sound, and I shook my head in disgust because, once again, I’d made it all the way through Walmart without remembering to pick up a can of WD-40. As I walked around the hood, Moe said, “I don’t trust her.”
“I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but several things of mine have mysteriously disappeared since she arrived, and I’m pretty sure I saw her wearing a pair of Fiona’s earrings.”
“The same earrings she just happened to have lost?” Moe asked.
“Possibly. When I asked Fiona about it, she said she wasn’t sure. She bought the earrings at the dollar store, so Jill might have gotten a pair just like them.”
“I just don’t trust her,” Moe reiterated as I got behind the wheel and started the car.
“You don’t trust anyone.”
“I obviously trust you. I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Where else did you have to go?”
“I was aiming for somewhere with a little less sunshine and a lot more rain.”
“I thought you hated the Pacific Northwest.”
“I don’t hate it. I should just probably stay away from it.”
“From where exactly?” I asked.
“The entire upper northwest quadrant of the country.”
“That’s awfully vague.”
“I was hell on wheels for a while. They’ve probably erected statues in my honor.”
“Really?”
“Yes, but only so they can occasionally light them on fire and pretend they hear me screaming.”
I burst out laughing and then snorted, which made Moe laugh just as hard as me. When we got to the light a few blocks away, we were still chuckling as she yammered on about other ways the people where she used to live may want to kill her.
Finally, she asked, “Don’t you hate coming back here where everyone knows your history?”
“It’s a challenge, but the people that matter have forgiven me for my past, although I know they won’t ever forget. My kid is really the only one whose opinion matters, and he was happy to have me around.”
“The boy’s got a good heart.”
“That boy is twenty-seven.”
“Shit, you’re old. Ancient. Decrepit. Did scientists ask you how you crawled out of the tar pits and what other dinosaurs and relics happened to be down there?”
“You’re not even two years younger than me!”
“Where are we going, by the way?”
“To the gym.”
“Help! I’m a hostage. She’s going to force me to drink green sludge and sweat!” Moe called out through the open window. A woman getting into her car stared at us like we were crazy, but when Moe was involved, that was nothing out of the ordinary. In a more normal voice, she said, “Let me remind you that I’m an unwilling participant.”
“Your fitness is important.”
“I’m more excited about fittin’ this cupcake in my mouth than being healthy.”
“This is a health journey.”
“I don’t have time for a journey. I’m surprised I’m still alive, and you want me to waste what’s left of my precious time on earth in a gym, gasping for breath, with sweat dripping off my chin?”
“You have to admit that you feel better after a good workout.”
“I used to feel better after a bottle of cheap vodka and a handful of pills, but I don’t do that anymore either.”
“A glass of juice now and then could help you clean out the toxins you spent years building up inside yourself.”
“The last time I drank that sludge, I was in the bathroom every three minutes. The things that shit did to my body were unholy and unnatural. At one point, I felt like I needed an exorcist to get rid of the demon in my colon.”
“You’re such a drama queen.”
“I’m pretty sure I shit out half a crayon.”
“What?” I yelled.
“Think about how long it’s been since I even held a crayon. I was accused of eating them in kindergarten, and now I have proof that the allegations were true.”
“What does that have to do with working out?”
“My body has been cleansed of the demons and whatever unnatural shit I have put in it in the last forty-odd years, Farrah. Let’s just get some junk food and then go home and wallow on the couch like normal people.”
“You know good and well that neither of us is normal, Moe. Far from it.”
“You’ve got me there.”
“And I’ve got you locked in my car, so to the gym we go!”
“I hate your face.”
“You’ll get over it.”
◆◆◆
“Come on, Moe! You can do it!”
“I can’t,” Moe whined.
“It’s not that bad.”
“That looks like something that comes out of the pipe in the backyard.”
“We have a pipe in the backyard?”
“Yes, numbnuts. There’s a pipe in the backyard, and when your line gets clogged, it leaks shit and toilet paper all over the grass.”
“It’s called a cleanout, and now that I have that image in my head, I’m never going to be able to drink this shit.” Moe and I looked over at the man who was standing at the end of the juice bar, but he was staring down into his smoothie with a disgusted expression.
I was instantly drawn to the way he looked - windblown hair and sun-kissed skin with broad shoulders and biceps so large that the sleeves of his faded T-shirt were stretched tight. With sleeves on both arms and tattoos on his fingers, he looked like the ultimate bad boy - someone that the darker half of my brain was screaming out for me to touch, but the more rational part was warning me to stay the hell away from.
The man’s friend was the polar opposite in almost every way, with shoulders that were more narrow and smaller arms. He looked lean, as if he may be more of a runner than a gym rat.
The larger man looked at his friend and asked, “What’s in this, anyway?”
“The one I ordered for you has kale, blueberries, coconut water, avocado, chia seeds, and peanut butter. Oh! And I had them add some protein powder.”
“Don’t do it!” Moe said way too loudly. “It should be listed as a cleanout on the menu because the last time she made me drink one, that’s exactly what happened.”
“Moe!” I hissed as I nudged her with my elbow.
“I’m just preaching the truth to the masses. If they don’t want to listen, that's not my problem.”
“Do you actually drink this sludge?” the man asked.
“I’ve had worse things in my mouth,” I replied without thinking. When Moe started cackling, I realized how that answer sounded and hurried to say, “I mean that I’ve had worse tasting smoothies! That’s all. I didn’t mean . . . well, you know.”
The man burst out laughing, but his friend just looked confused. He seemed to finally catch on to what the other man thought I meant and started laughing too. I was mortified, but even I found it a little funny and started laughing right along with them.
After we all calmed down, the man of my fantasies smiled at me and my entire body flushed as my panties combusted from the heat that caused.
No, Farrah! Bad boy alert! Red flag warning! Stay far away from him - even though you want to climb him like a tree and figure out how much movement you could get with your hips if your legs were wrapped around his waist. Surely, with the help of those big strong hands, you could . . .
No! Down, girl! Heel! Sit!
The big guy walked around his friend and came to stand beside me, completely unaware that I was imagining him slowly walking out of a swimming pool with water streaming down his toned chest in rivulets and . . .
I was jerked out of my fantasy when he said, “Let’s have a toast, and then we can shoot this and get it over with.”
“That’s the best idea I’ve heard in a while,” Moe said as she lifted her cup.
“Sure,” I said as I picked up my cup. “To health and wellness.”
“To new friends,” the man added before he tapped his cup against mine.
“Obviously, we’re invisible now,” Moe said as she extended her arm across me and Mr. Tall Guy so she could tap cups with his friend. “Cheers.”
The man laughed, and my fantasy man winked at me before he leaned closer and whispered, “Do you know these people?”
“Stranger danger is real. We should run.”
“I’m headed to the rope class. What are you here for?”
“Same thing,” I said dreamily as I stared into his chocolate brown eyes. Not just any chocolate. No, it was the fancy chocolate. The kind inside those truffles you could get near the register at the pharmacy. Lindell. Lindon. Lind . . . something.
“Jesus,” I heard Moe whisper behind me. “Inside voice, Farrah!”
The man laughed before he said, “Close, but your ability to read minds is just a little off-kilter.”
“Huh?”
“How did you know that my name is Lynn?”
“I was thinking about truffles.”
“Farrah, you’re about as smooth as a freshly graveled road.”
I turned my head and glared at Moe before Lynn asked, “Your name is Farrah?”
“Yes.”
“Where’s the other angel?”
“She’s having her horns filed down,” I said with a straight face.
Both men roared with laughter, and Moe cackled loud enough to make the woman working the juice bar jump before she started laughing too.
When I heard the fitness instructor who ran the jump rope class whistle, I wanted to choke him but managed to hold myself together with the thought that I’d get at least to watch Mr. Delicious work out.
Red flag, dumbass! Remember the deal you made with yourself? If you find the man remotely attractive and even mildly funny, you are supposed to flee like your ass is on fire. You have the worst taste in men, and if you think he’s perfect, then there is definitely something wrong with him.
He probably pushes down old ladies before he boosts their car.
Remember how perfect your last boyfriend was? He held your hand all the way to a parole violation that got you sent back to prison for years. Years, Farrah!
Pull your panties out of your crack and move on, sister! The grass is always greener on the other side, and according to your NA sponsor, you’re not even supposed to look at grass anymore, let alone get it naked.
Okay, that was an odd analogy, but you know what I’m saying. Get a hold of yourself, Farrah!
“I guess it’s time for us to go,” Lynn said before he dropped his cup into the trash. “I’ll look for you when the torture session is over.”
“See you then.”
No, Farrah! Bad girl!
◆◆◆
LYNN
After the warm-up, I wanted nothing more than to sit on the bench nearby and watch the show. Kyle was cursing under his breath because he didn’t have the rhythm to jump more than three times before he hit his legs with the rope, which was hilarious in itself.
But the best show was the women we’d met earlier who had gravitated to the back corner of the room and were busy bickering like an old married couple. Farrah seemed to be taking the class seriously, or as seriously as she could, while fending off her friend who wouldn’t stop making her laugh, whether she was trying to or not.
By the time the class was over, I was out of breath and my heart was racing with my post-workout high. The fact that Kyle was tangled up in his rope cracked me up, and after trading insults with him for a few minutes, I turned around to find Farrah in the hope of getting her number, but she and her friend were already gone.
“Looks like your angel didn’t want to risk her halo for a guy like you,” Kyle teased. When I glared at him, he wasn’t chastened at all. He just laughed and said, “It gives a guy like me hope when I see something like that happen.”
“You don’t need hope, asshole, other than to hope my daughter doesn’t find out you’ve been ogling women at the gym. I know her kind of crazy, and it just gets worse when she’s baking one of your kids.”
“She hates it when you refer to her pregnancy in cooking terms.”
“I know. Her anger brings me joy. Come on. Let’s get you home before you start crying. I’ve got errands to run, and I need to get the kids in bed at a reasonable hour.”
“What kind of errands does someone run after business hours?”
“Ask your wife. Then she can be mad at you instead of me.”
When I dropped Kyle off and picked up the girls, I took a few minutes to give my daughter a play-by-play of his jump rope skills, and by the time we left, I had her howling with laughter. Kyle took it pretty well, although he whined that the welts on his shins from the jump rope were going to leave bruises.
I knew he was right because the man had put in some effort and stuck with the class even though he sucked at it, which didn’t surprise me. I knew he had determination and perseverance. When Lanna and Kyle got together, I had my doubts that it would last only because he was an uptight college boy and she was a working-class girl who didn’t want to see the inside of a classroom ever again. However, the old saying that opposites attract was apparently true because they were perfect together. It was a good thing they were so dedicated to each other because they’d have to be a really solid team to raise all the children she kept popping out one after another.
It made me feel ancient to think that I would soon have a fifth grandchild. I may as well buy a walker now, but it may get in the way of me raising my oldest two, which was enough to keep me young only because I needed the energy to keep up with them.
Just because I knew how much it irked my daughter, I got Roarke and Kaylynn all wound up before I left with Berklee and Brinlee. By the time we said our goodbyes, Roarke was roaring like a dinosaur while he sprinted through the house and Kaylynn was screaming just as loud as she could.
“Aunt Lanna is going to kill you someday,” Berklee said knowingly.
“She won’t have the energy to because she’ll be too busy chasing her kids around.”
I opened the back passenger door so Berklee and Brinlee could hop in, and only once I saw them buckle their seatbelts did I shut the door and walk around to the driver’s side.
“Where are we going for dinner?” Brinlee asked.
“The grocery store.”
I heard them sigh before Berklee begged, “Can we please have McDonald’s instead of going grocery shopping?”
“If we don’t go tonight, then we’ll just have to go tomorrow, so why not get it out of the way now?” I asked.
“We could have McDonald’s both nights and just forget about going to the store at all.”
“I second the motion. Motion is approved!” Brinlee cheered.
“That’s not how it works, and you know it,” I chided. “I’m out of things to make your lunches, and if we keep eating Pop-Tarts for breakfast, you’re gonna turn into one.”
“Sometimes you’re very hard to get along with, Pop.”
“You’re not the first person to think that, Berk. I’ve been hearing that for most of my life.”
“Do you think Mom will call us tonight?” Brinlee asked.
“Not tonight. She’s scheduled to call again tomorrow evening.”
“I’m going to tell her that you’re stubborn,” Berklee threatened.
I was still laughing about that when we pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, knowing good and well that their mother would agree wholeheartedly.
It made me smile when the girls took my hands as we walked together because I knew that someday soon they wouldn’t want to do that anymore.
Their mother and their aunt used to hold my hands, too, until they didn’t, and I hated that I didn’t have any warning when the last time would be.
That was the thing about raising kids.
One day they wanted to snuggle with you before bed, and the next, they were taking off on their own without needing your help at all.
It really sucked that you got no warning so you could relish that last encounter and remember it forever.
“Girls, do you know how far I love you?” I asked.
“To the moon and back!” they cheered.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I asked, just like I’d been asking them since they learned to talk.
“Big much!” they answered in unison, just like they had since they were small.
“Don’t ever forget it, okay?”
“We won’t because you tell us all the time,” Brinlee assured me.
“And we love you, too, Pop, even though you never give us what we want.”
That complaint made me laugh because the girls never wanted for a thing - from attention to material goods, they had it all, including my heart and soul.