11. Carter
ELEVEN
CARTER
When you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, sleep becomes a luxury you can’t afford.
Every bump in the night, squeak of a mouse, or gust of wind could be coming for you, and just when you fall victim to your body's needs, that little voice in your head jolts you awake, reminding you that you’ll never be safe.
I, for one, embraced that feeling, the nights spent staring at the stars, just begging the universe to put an end to my pain, but in true, torturous fashion, it refused to answer the calls.
Admittedly, I spent so much time wondering if Tyson and Jasper were out there somewhere, watching over me, but when I asked for a sign, nothing ever came.
There were no shooting stars, sparkles in the sky, or tiny little orbs to let me know there was something on my side, just continuous darkness that lured me further into its trap.
Except, my boys were in the shadows, waiting to rescue me, and now that they have, the word safe has crept back into my mind, allowing my eyes to close without fear of being caught off guard.
Jasper wraps his arms tighter around my mid-section, holding my head against his chest while the sounds of his breathing offer me a solace I forgot was possible.
Before I spent my nights longing for death, I enjoyed comfort in the arms of others, people who vowed to stick with me through it all, and once more, I stumble back to the place I call home.
Where I am is peaceful, blissful even, and the weight of the last few months suddenly lands on my back, causing an exhaustion to settle deep into my bones, mingling with the tissue and marrow that make up a person’s frame.
I’ve never been this tired, but I let myself go, embracing sleep with a softness I thought was lost forever.
“Sleep tight, my little Angel of Death,” Jasper whispers, pressing a kiss on the top of my head that only expands my bubble of safety.
Welcoming the silence, my brain shuts off as my body allows itself to get the rest we’ve needed, falling into the comfort provided by Jasper.
All my life, I never thought I needed anyone, always content being fiercely independent and more than capable, but being cared for by not one, but two men who’d burn the world down for you is a feeling I dearly missed.
A loud voice rings through my subconscious, yanking me from the silence and sending thick ropes of panic shooting through my veins, inciting a deep terror that feels inescapable.
“No! You can’t … no!” I scream, the voice moving closer, sounding angrier as I look around, desperate for a way out.
Instinctively, I try to run but my arms and legs are tied, pinned in place while the familiar noise I recognize as running water rings in my ears.
“Please! Not the hose!” I beg, but the dark figure looming above me places the washcloth over my face, and I struggle under the weight of my biggest fears coming to life.
“They can’t have you. You need to come home, Duchess.” I hear the final words spoken but before I can reply, the water begins to drown me, my lungs working overtime as I choke on the cool liquid running from my hair, down to my chin.
Let me free.
Let me drown.
Let me go.
Let me die.
“Carter! Carter, come back to me!” My eyes snap open as my body violently shakes, and I don’t look to find the source, swinging my arms in defense as I fight off whoever is touching my skin.
“It’s me, Principessina. It’s Jasper,” he says, and I slowly recognize the voice, matching it to the face staring back at me, my breathing returning to normal as safety quite literally wraps its arms around me.
“Jasper? I’m sorry, I think I was having a nightmare,” I breathe, staring into his icy silver irises while my heart rate begins to slow.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m here, I’ve got you,” he whispers, tucking my head back into his chest, while tears involuntarily slip down my cheeks.
Being vulnerable, showing sides of myself that I’d rather keep hidden, is not something I’ve ever been good with, but now, these secrets aren’t dangerous, they’re just shameful.
After the nightmare, and the slew of information I gave up earlier, I couldn’t possibly feel any lower, so rather than drown in my fears and sorrows, I lean on the person who’s strong enough to hold me up.
“I don’t sleep very often,” I confess, untangling myself from Jasper’s arms until we’re sitting face to face.
“That’s okay. I’ll stay up with you, if you want,” he says, propping himself up on an elbow, tapping the space across from him, and I snuggle into the pillows, keeping my eyes on his.
After all these months apart, his icy irises are still as captivating as the moment we met, and I’ve missed looking into the windows of his soul.
“You don’t hate me anymore?” I ask, my voice shaking because while I’m afraid to know the truth, I’m curious if he still feels the same as I do.
“I never did. I was … broken without you and Tyson, but I let the anger cloud my judgment. You’re the only person I could ever love, Carter.” He brushes his fingers along my cheek, a soft but meaningful touch that reminds me of the many nights we shared under the moonlight.
“You’re the only ones who cared enough to save me,” I say softly, still haunted by the fact that I had to be rescued from a predicament I wasn’t strong enough to run away from on my own.
“Will you tell me about your nightmare?” Jasper laces his fingers through mine and with a simple touch, electricity shoots through my body, similar to the first night we met.
If I want to heal, I’ll have to work through it, like Tyson said earlier, and contrary to what I believed less than twenty-four hours ago, I don’t have to be alone anymore.
“My time in the basement … the guards would waterboard me if I said no to my father, and he’d watch, giving the orders when to stop and start.
This time, in my dream, he was telling me you couldn’t keep me,” I explain, a shakiness in my voice that I’m not used to causing my breathing to intensify, all while Jasper’s eyes never leave mine.
He listens intently, like what I’m saying is the most important thing that he’s ever heard, and I’m once again reminded that our connection will always prevail, because he’s one of two people that have enough of me to truly know the inner workings of my mind.
We may have been separated, split and secluded from each other, but in the end, souls who intertwine themselves always find their way home.
“I’d kill anyone who tried to come between us.
You’re never leaving my sight again, my little masterpiece.
” He smiles, a Cheshire cat grin breaking across his face as he debuts a nickname for me, something that hasn’t happened in so long, I forgot how seductive he can make the most insignificant words sound when they’re put all together.
“I’ve missed that,” I giggle, unable to contain the girly side that Jasper can lure out of me with the simplest gestures of affection I grew to adore.
“Tell me something else, Principessina. Anything. I’ve just … missed your voice,” he says, tracing my lips with his thumb, tugging at the bottom one until my tongue darts out, swiping against his skin.
“Well, since the torture, I’ve been struggling because I’m afraid of water. I didn’t even get my hair wet in the shower earlier, I can’t … fully step under the spray,” I tell him honestly, the ability to completely give him the real Carter Cassini feeling like a breath of fresh air.
“It’s a lot, so I’d understand if my irrational fears become too much to deal with.”
If he doesn’t want this broken, terrified version of the girl he fell in love with I wouldn’t hold it against him.
Piecing a person back together is no small task, and after all I put him – and Tyson – through, I’d be heartbroken if they walked away once I’m safe, but it’s a decision I’d respect.
“It’s normal for people to have things they’re scared of, Carter. We were the anomalies, but I have something I’m afraid of now, too,” he finally says, and I raise my eyebrow in response, not expecting his confession.
“What is it?” My voice comes out in a breathy whisper, nervous that if I even blink, our moment will be ruined.
“Losing you,” he answers, not hesitating for a second, and I snap my eyes shut, forcing the tears to stay at bay, already tired of all the crying I’ve done.
“Did you mean what you said earlier, about bringing the girl I used to be back?” I shoot, keeping our rapid fire rounds of truths going.
“Every. Single. Word.” He accentuates his words by pulling me closer, our noses practically touching as I fall into his arms, wanting nothing more than to pour all that’s left from my depleted body into his.
“I’m sorry, Jasper. I really want you to know how terribly I feel about how I left you.
Our entire world was burning down, and I was a coward.
I think about that night often, what I could’ve done differently …
I was scared of my father, but I should’ve put you, me, and Tyson first,” I sigh, knowing that he struggled the most in my absence, believing that I was capable of such a betrayal, when all along, I was the scorned party in the end.
The guilt he carries pairs with mine like it came from a matching set, but in order to start fresh, we both need to absolve ourselves, even if only slightly.
“I forgive you, Carter. I never thought I’d be able to say that, but I do. You’re loyal, and you stand for much more than I was able to give you credit for.” He presses a kiss to my forehead, his lips lingering as I soak in every ounce of affection he gives.
A few minutes pass, our bodies tangled in one another while the silence takes control, a feeling of peace washing over us both while we come to terms with what we’ve lost, and what we’re reclaiming.
“You said your own name. I’ve never heard you refer to yourself as anything other than Massi.” I dig into his mind a bit, recognizing that his voice brought me back from the place I was trapped in.
“What do you mean?” He looks down, a slight kink in his eyebrow, but still so fucking handsome, I could melt into a puddle if he keeps staring at me like this.
“When I was stuck in my nightmare.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, you’re the only one allowed to call me that, you know. You’ve never referred to me as Massi,” he counters, but I shrug in response.
“First and last time for everything. You’ll always be Jasper to me. Even when we’re old and grey,” I smile, trailing my fingers along the column of his neck, watching as the goosebumps prickle, following the path I leave.
“And you’ll always be my little ice princess. My sole reason for living, breathing, and believing in things like soulmates.” He drops the load of romance right into my lap, and I can’t help but gush at his cavity-inducing sweetness.
“I love you, Jasper.” I pull him close, wrapping a hand around his throat, daring him to make a move, say it back, or run for the hills.
I’m reminded of our first kiss, the two of us caught in the same trap, just waiting for the other to cave first, but this time, I’d jump right off the cliff if it meant he’d follow me down.
“I love you too, Principessina,” he breathes, copying my stance by snaking his palm around my neck, the ultimate form of our own brand of intimacy.
“Now kiss and make up.” Tyson shuts the door, breaking the trance Jasper and I were caught in, but for the first time, fear doesn’t take the lead, my body remaining perfectly calm, whereas I’ve been jumpy at the slightest intrusion.
With one command from Tyson, heat flushes my entire body, a warm reminder of the bond we all share bringing a smile to my face.
“I could never say no to that,” Jasper says, curling his fingers under my chin until our lips meet in the middle, sparks erupting as I re-familiarize myself with how it feels to be utterly devoured by him.
Just like the first – and last – time we kissed, Jasper doesn’t take it easy in the slightest.
Our teeth collide as we both try to steal control, our hands roaming each other’s bodies with hunger, the lust sweeping us under a rip current so powerful, it may take a tsunami to break us apart.
He tugs at my hair, gripping the roots as he peels his lips off mine, trailing open-mouthed kisses along my jawline while soft moans escape from deep within my chest.
“Oh, fuck, Jasper,” I breathe, but before we can make another move, Tyson’s phone rings, breaking our focus as we all freeze in place.
“Who has that number, Ty?” Jasper asks, speaking slowly as we gauge the alarmed look in Tyson’s eyes, paired with his tense body language, and it speaks volumes without him having to utter a single word.
“Nobody but you.” He stares at the timeless flip phone, the obnoxious ringer filling the silence, but finally Tyson answers the call, placing it on speaker so we can all hear, and when the voice on the other end bounces off the walls, my heart drops into my stomach, the very thing I was afraid of coming to fruition way sooner than I’d expected.
My world crashes in an instant, but I’ve been given a gift in the short few hours since being reunited with my boys, and it’ll have to be pried from my cold, dead hands before I give it up willingly – hope.
“Tyson Kelly. I believe you have something that belongs to me.”