16. Carter
SIXTEEN
CARTER
Growing up, I never thought of myself as a person who had mental health issues, even when kids my age were being diagnosed and drugged up all around me.
While I didn’t grow up in a traditional household in any sense, I had my bearings, knew what I wanted to be when I became an adult, and worked toward those goals whenever I could.
There wasn’t any time to dissect my dark thoughts, fears, or responses to the things I’d been seeing since a very young age, due to my father’s method of training.
Now, as I watch Jasper walk out the door, my heart rate immediately accelerates, the idea of him being out in the world on his own is nearly paralyzing, and I’m at the mercy of the cruelest thoughts my mind can conjure.
Not only that, but I can’t sleep without having nightmares, my PTSD from being torturously waterboarded prevents me from being anywhere near a stream of water, and my body is so littered with scars that I resemble an army vet coming home from being held as a prisoner of war.
In the simplest of terms, I’m a fucking mess, something I can confidently say I’ve never experienced before, but even when the scariest thoughts threaten to take me under, there’s at least one big, strong man around willing to carry me through it, and this time is no different.
“Baby girl, hey. Come here,” Tyson calls out, tapping his thigh as I realize I’ve been crying, my body shaking from how quickly I lost myself within my own mind.
It should be criminal, the fact that my own head can affect me this badly, changing the course of my moments just because of a few intrusive thoughts, and I genuinely can’t grasp the idea that people live like this, day in and day out.
I’m a coward, as I’d rather take the easy way out, erasing these thoughts – and any pleasant ones – for good, but with Tyson and Jasper around again, I can say the desire to end my own life is beginning to dwindle.
“I’m not okay, Tyson. I want to fucking throw up at the idea of Jasper leaving on his own. I can’t do normal things, or function like a proper human being … I’m just not okay,” I confess, sliding my legs over his thighs, being extra gentle as I don’t want to hurt him.
“You’ve never been normal, baby girl, at least not by society's standards. We just have to get you back to a safe mindset, but I promise you, any help you need along the way, you will get. I’ll take you to the doctor if you think medication would help, or stay up all night whispering sweet things in your ears, just so you’d get a few hours of sleep.
You. Are. Mine. And I take care of what’s mine,” he says with two fingers under my chin, ensuring we keep full eye-contact as he brings me to tears in the best of ways.
“You are too good to me, Tyson,” I sniffle, wondering how it’s even possible to cry this many times in such a short time period.
“You’re gonna be fine, Carter. Between Massi and I, there’s nothing we can’t help you work through, or be by your side for,” he tells me, smiling as his eyes shift between me, and the laptop, his focus split equally.
Just as I begin to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, a full breakdown within reach, Jasper comes barreling through the door, boxes under each arm as he latches the chain behind him.
He couldn’t have been gone for more than twenty minutes, but still, I jump from my place on Tyson’s lap, wrapping my arms around Jasper’s neck like he'd just returned from war.
“You’re back,” I breathe, unable to say anything else without the waterworks starting up again.
“With presents,” he laughs, walking us backward until my legs hit the mattress, and I release my grip, falling onto the bed with my eyes locked on his.
“I don’t need presents. You both know that.” I cross my arms over my chest, kinking my eyebrow while I glance at Tyson, who’s still focused on his laptop.
“You don’t have any clothes, baby girl. I also ordered all your hair care products for when you’re ready,” he says, finally breaking his gaze from the screen, and joining me on the bed.
He strokes a hand over my cheek, willing me to accept his generosity, and for once, I choose not to push back on the ways he cares for me.
After all, he’s right – I don’t have a single article of my own clothing, besides what I came to this motel in.
“Open this one first.” Jasper shoves a box into my hands, an evil cheshire-cat smile painted on his face, and I rip through the flaps, digging until my hands meet leather.
In all its glory, I find a black thigh sheath under the brown paper, and my smile couldn’t be contained if I tried.
Right beside it is a stainless steel blade with a black handle, similar to the one that I lost during the Emory ambush.
It’s absolutely beautiful as I hold it up to the light, and I’m mesmerized by the glimmer, barely hearing Jasper’s words as he attempts to bring me back to reality.
It’s not an easy feat, as I haven’t seen a blade in six months, after going more of my life with one than without, and I’m so lost in its trance that I find myself spinning the metal in my hands like a little kid with a toy.
“It’s been far too long since you’ve had one of those strapped to your leg, Principessina. I’ve righted a serious wrong,” he says, a certain playfulness dripping from his words, and rather than dip back into my shell like a turtle, I choose to play along.
“I could slice up your other hand, give you matching scars?” I tease, and his nostrils flare as he bites his lower lip, a very bloody memory infiltrating us both.
The only time I entered the Masseria Family home breathes fire throughout my veins, and I’m reminded of that weapon room, the ways that Jasper marked my body as his in places that only we knew of.
“Just this once, I’d allow, if only to see that beautiful, fucked-up demon unleashed from your soul,” he smirks, holding his unscarred palm out to mine, but I choose to save this moment for when I’m at my lowest of lows.
“Raincheck? I couldn’t possibly do something to ruin our country-fleeing mission,” I say softly, meeting his eyes for the first time, the icy silver shade glazed over with a red hot inferno.
“I’m holding you to that, my little butcher,” he laughs, snaking a hand around the back of my neck, enveloping me in a kiss that steals my breath.
“Thank you, Jasper. You have no idea what this means to me,” I breathe between his ferocious lips, the skin on mine nearly scraped off from his teeth.
“Open the rest, baby girl.” Tyson places another bag in my lap, and for the next ten minutes, I tear through various packaging, unveiling my favorite things that my boys bought me, on the verge of tears as I absorb the extreme lengths they’d go to for me.
Rescuing me and toddling me across the globe is one thing, but even after everything we’ve been through, they still ensured I’d be cared for, bringing a sense of home to a scenario that I had no chance to prepare for.
Two things can be true at the same time, while I am running away from something I want no part of, it’s no secret that I’m leaving everything I once knew, and loved, behind.
Currently I have no belongings, or sense of self, only relying on Jasper and Tyson to help me navigate this next chapter, and as well as they know me, they still went out of their way to do the one thing I’ve never asked for, but longingly desire deep in my bones – caring for me.
“You did not have to do this … but thank you both,” I say softly, planting a kiss on each of their cheeks while Tyson cleans up the plastic and boxes.
“You deserve the world, Carter, but I’m more than content forcing you to accept the bare minimum. At least for now,” he smirks, resuming his place in front of the laptop.
“I want you to reclaim your power, and I know that this little toy is the key to bringing home the girl who loves nothing more than to lick it clean after getting it bloody.” Jasper spins me until I’m planted on his lap, our noses touching while he drags his tongue along my lower lip.
“When I’m ready to play, you’re my first victim,” I whisper, snaking a hand around his throat, watching as his eyes glaze over, but allowing me to stay in the power position.
“I’d love nothing more. Carve into my skin like it’s your canvas.
I always have been, and always will be, at your mercy, my little temptress of death.
” He nips at my skin, leaving spurts of heat as he goes, but before I can lose all my inhibitions, Tyson cheers from behind his laptop, startling us both.
“We’re good to go. Carter, do you want to do the honors?” He asks, and I nearly catch air as I jump off Jasper, peering over Tyson’s shoulder as I read the email he’s drafting, along with the photos and video we took.
“Three million? That’s all I’m worth?” I joke, but Tyson’s body hardens, not enjoying my humor, while Jasper chuckles behind me.
“There is triple that amount in an offshore bank account with your alias’ name on it, don’t you dare test me, baby girl,” he says fiercely, and I feel my cheeks blush at the fact that all the money he set aside for us is in my name, even though he had no clue if I was innocent or guilty the moment he showed up in California.
“You always believed in me.” I kiss his neck, trailing my tongue along his collarbone, and he twists until we’re face-to-face.
“Always have, always will, Stellina.”
“What happens now?” Jasper interrupts our moment with a very valid question, and I hold my breath, waiting for an answer that only Tyson can provide.
“Now we run.”