18. Carter
EIGHTEEN
CARTER
When I was younger, love was never something I dreamed of having because I was hungry for power, desperate for approval, and longed for the days where I’d be the one giving orders.
Equipped with nothing but my thoughts, training, and desire to become a blood-thirsty soldier made it impossible for me to fathom that another human could enter my space, or learn enough about me to stick around.
In a twisted turn of events, the men I marked as my targets broke through my walls, changing the direction my life was headed with each passing day we spent together.
Long gone were the ideas of taking control of a crime family, or ruling over an army of men at my beck and call, replaced with the fantasies of leaving everything I’d known behind.
Now, as the life slowly circulates back through my veins, my faith in humanity is being restored, all because I veered from my goals, and allowed two people to see inside the depths of my mind.
There was a time where I never thought that I was capable of feeling love, or receiving it, but now that I have, I plan to hold onto it, and fight the demons that are living inside of my head – if only to give the boys I care so deeply for the best pieces of me.
After everything I put them through with my lies, it’s what they deserve, and then some.
I’m convinced that I haven’t done enough to earn their grace, or forgiveness, but they’ve handed it over without asking for a single thing in return, proving that the most powerful form of human emotion is love, and it’s more important than anything in this world.
Falling for the off-limits mafia boys was the easy part, though, and I know that day in and day out, this is something I need to pour every ounce of my soul into, even when it’s scary, or seems too hard.
The trauma left behind by my father is a still-fresh wound, but hearing Tyson and Jasper talk about my PTSD only opened my eyes, forcing me to realize that living with what he did to me is going to haunt the rest of my days, but I refuse to let it get the best of me.
As hard as it might be, working toward a place where I can show my skin, or get under a shower head, is my top priority, if only to keep the boys who make life worth living, happy.
They once had a different version of me, one who was proud of her body, and fearless in the face of adversity, but I’ll be damned if that’s not the person they get for the rest of their lives.
Before they rescued me, I was living to die, solely breathing until the moment my lungs gave out and my organs failed, but now, I’ve adjusted my reasoning, choosing to live for Jasper and Tyson.
Thankfully, there’s nothing better to do on a roadtrip than reflect, and while the boys mindlessly sing along with the radio, thinking I’m asleep, I’m finally thinking through things rationally, without fear of retribution, or being afraid of someone else’s next moves.
I’ve always been safe inside my mind, but now, I feel safe outside of it, too.
Still, the uneasiness in my bones begins to grow, and although I try to be sneaky while checking the clock, Tyson is immediately clued into the fact that I’m awake, winking at me in the mirror, but choosing to let me continue pretending.
With fifteen minutes until the ransom email is scheduled to be sent, I can feel my anxiety growing, knowing that once my father opens the files, it’s game on.
We’re getting a head start, but as soon as he’s on a level playing field, all bets are off, and I know he’ll burn down the world to find me, even if only to keep me prisoner.
“What’s on your mind, baby girl?” Tyson cuts through the silence, turning to face me as he parks the car at a gas pump.
Taking a quick glance at our surroundings, I hadn’t even noticed we slowed down, or stopped, proving how far down the rabbit hole I fell in my own mind.
“Just thinking about getting better. I don’t want to live in fear, or hold the good parts of myself hostage because I’m weighed down by the bad,” I answer honestly, and he smiles at my words as if he’s proud of me, a feeling so good that it couldn’t possibly be imitated or replaced.
“You’re stronger than any man I’ve ever encountered, Principessina. If anyone can come back from the shit you went through, it’s you.” Jasper reaches for my hand, lacing our fingers together and pressing a soft kiss on my knuckles.
“The way you two love me, and believe in me, will be what saves me. I’m sure of it,” I say, my eyes shifting between theirs, while they both stare at me with looks of adoration on their faces.
“Come on, let’s get you some snacks.” Tyson rips the keys from the ignition, making his way out of the driver’s seat and opening the door for me, holding out his hand until mine meets his.
First he stretches, kicking his legs back and forth to regain blood flow, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode, but then he decides to leave the cane, attempting to take the short trek without assistance.
Jasper and I exchange a silent glance, surrounding him on each side as we catch up to his pace, but allowing him the grace to do this on his own.
“I’m not going to fall over, you can relax,” he says, not directed at either of us in particular, but feeling our protectiveness without Jasper or I having to utter a single word.
“You’ve got this, I believe in you,” I whisper, stroking his arm gently as he opens the door for me, the bells jingling overhead as we cross the threshold.
We all split up, choosing our own snacks and drinks, while the boys take turns using the bathroom, likely to ensure someone always has eyes on me in public.
Rather than rush, I take my time, picking out a few candy bars and a bag of chips, not really finding myself with an appetite.
The clock is ticking, the deadline fast approaching, and I know that once we get back in the car, we’ll have a response from my father, turning this from a fun little road trip, back into a battle for survival and freedom.
Just as I begin to spiral, an arm snakes around my waist, and I look up to see Tyson smiling down at me, his dark eyes sparkling as they meet mine.
“Massi’s going to drive for a while, care for some company in the back?” He smirks, trailing his hand along my midsection, the subtle movement igniting a fire of goosebumps littered along my skin.
“Snuggling with you, while we let the demon of the road drive, sounds like a perfect way to die,” I joke, and Jasper joins us at the register, rolling his eyes at my comment.
“I’d never do anything to jeopardize this mission, my little passenger princess,” he snarks, handing the cashier a wad of cash as he places a kiss on the top of my head, eliciting a wide-eyed look from the man, as I’m still clearly wrapped in Tyson’s embrace.
Back at Emory, we rarely went out, and if we did, everyone was terrified of my boys, not even blinking at the fact that we were together, so the weird looks from strangers is a new addition to our lives, something I find very entertaining.
“Have a good day,” the cashier says sheepishly, handing Jasper the receipt and avoiding eye contact.
Not one to leave a scene without creating one, I play off the energy in the room, scraping my bottom lip with my teeth as I look between my two gentle giants.
“Their cocks are huge.” I wink, looping my arms through theirs, a boisterous laugh erupting from my chest as we exit the store, the door slamming shut behind us.
Something about that encounter has me feeling on top of the world, like I conquered a mountain or erased an enemy from this Earth, but all I did was mutter a few words at a person who’ll never see us again.
The little things are adding up, working in unison to keep the smile on my face, and for once, I’m not questioning it, choosing to bask in the light infiltrating my previously iced over bones.
Without a second thought, I spin around to face Tyson, grabbing his face as we stop dead in our tracks in the middle of the parking lot.
“There’s my girl,” he breathes, but before he can speak another word, I press my lips to his, slowly working my tongue with his as we lose ourselves in the moment, not caring who sees.
A few seconds feels like hours, like the world stopped spinning just for us, and when he releases me, breaking our kiss, I suck in a deep breath, hating that our moment had to come to an end.
In an instant, I feel a second body pressed against my backside, his breath tickling the hair on my neck, and I lean into his touch, resting my head on his shoulder while he wraps a hand around the column of my throat.
“You’re not going to kiss him like that and not expect me to get what’s mine,” he growls in my ear, releasing my neck only to pull me into his arms, his grip reattaching the second our eyes meet.
“Oh, Jasper,” I breathe, pressing his lips to mine in a frenzy, the desire of being with my men overtaking every rational thought I possess.
Kissing Tyson is like walking through a field of flowers, soft, yet gentle, while falling into something that brightens the darkest of souls.
Kissing Jasper is like running through fire, dodging the lick of flames against your skin as you escape an inferno, the adrenaline bringing a high that can’t ever be matched.
Kissing them brings me home, reminding me of the person I was when we met in New Jersey, and although I have no desire to be that same, secret-filled machine that only churns out lies, I so desperately want to feel alive again, and that can only occur if I give myself to them wholeheartedly, just as I did the first time.
“You’re my entire universe, Principessina. Promise me you’ll actually sleep this time around, okay?” Jasper asks, his lips hovering above mine, and I nod in response, loving how well he knows me, without ever acting like he does.
“I promise, Jasper.”
“Go snuggle with Tyson. He’ll take care of you while I get us across the border.” He presses another kiss to my temple, opening the back door as I slide into the seat, waiting for Tyson to occupy the space beside me.
I could stay here, just like this, for the rest of my life, knowing that this balloon of safety would require mountains moving and Hell being released on Earth before popping, and I’m slowly remembering what it’s like to feel unconditional love, the kind that transcends all else.
“Let me hold you, baby girl,” Tyson says, adjusting the passenger seat until his legs fit comfortably in the back, raising his arm until I slide underneath his shoulder, immediately feeling content as the arms that I call home envelop me into a sense of safety that I’d seriously been missing.
Just as I suspected, an alert cascades over the car, the connection to Tyson’s phone unwavering as a new email comes in, freezing us all in place.
This is it, the moment that turns this from a trip to an escape, and as much faith I’ve put into these boys, there’s still a tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to surrender, but I shove it down, putting the only trust I can muster into the plan that Tyson put his life on the line for.
“Read it aloud,” Jasper says, and I hold my breath, wondering just how far my father is willing to take this game, to see exactly what I’m worth to him after all he’s put me through.
I’ve been a piece on his chessboard for so many years, but now that we’ve stolen the upper hand, I want to watch him scramble, to see the moves he makes under duress, and when the moment presents itself, I’ll strike, wiping away everything he thought could be used in this game of cat and mouse.
The beast may have been laying dormant, only coming out to play once my boys came for me, but this game has been going on for years, and I was never clued into the lengths he was willing to go, until now.