Chapter 13 #4
Yes. The answer was a resounding yes that I practically wanted to scream it at him so I could rip the bandaid off.
I didn’t want to be. A dull hot pain began to bloom in my chest from the regret of not allowing things to be different with him.
I’d never learned how to not mold and shape myself into the person people wanted me to be.
“I—I don’t know.”
Evan nodded curtly, biting at his lower lip. His hand was still on my thigh. Everything was romantic. Everything sent a new thrum of panic through me. I tried, I tried, I tried, to not let the storm clouds open up and flood this thing we’d built.
Could I make it different with him though? There was still that nibble of optimism, or delusion depending on the perspective. If I shooed the fanfiction cloud away before it burst open it could all work out.
“You realize you don’t have to be, right?”
“It’s not like it’s a choice, and I promise it’s not just with you. My brain goes on autopilot, I have to be the most digestible version of myself.”
“You’ve heard some of my darkest shit, you certainly don’t need to be disgestable for me,” he reiterated.
Who was I kidding? It would never be different with him, especially with him. A massive part of myself was obscured, and always would be. Deep down I knew there was one reason and one reason only that I didn’t let Evan fully gain access to my true self. It hovered around like black smoke.
It’s hard to be casual when you’re actively being haunted by your own past transgressions.
Any sense of reassurance from him didn’t matter, because the second I even hinted at my truth it would all fall down before me. I had to hastily rebuild the walls of my fortress and climb inside. “I know, and I appreciate that, but we met three days ago. Some things are easier said than done.”
Cold, stony, just like the fortress.
All the fun, warm energy got sucked out of the car in an instant. The rest of the drive was silent.
After parking I began jogging back to the cabin.
I needed to go for a run, my legs were itching for an escape.
I had too many thoughts that were trying to claw their way out, and I was scared that if I wasn’t careful they’d begin to tear through my stony exterior.
My heart was already racing like I’d been running for hours.
I clenched and unclenched my hands as I walked to the cabin to dispel some of my nervous energy.
My head was pounding, clogged up with my anxiety.
I felt so, so ridiculous for even letting myself entertain the idea of opening up to him. For pretending this lie wouldn’t come bite me in the ass sooner versus later.
Evan was yards behind me now, uncharacteristically silent. I’d basically abandoned him once I parked the car.
The very woman who held his hand less than an hour ago was now running from him once again. I was incredibly sorry for it, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around an apology right now. We had fallen too hard and too fast and were careening towards disaster.
I had to abandon ship now while I still had control, I couldn’t let us go down in flames.
“Don’t wait for me to eat,” I called to Sue through an open window as I took off down the dirt road after quickly changing. I’d left the curtains open when I stripped down, not caring if Evan saw me naked because that was less vulnerable than my truth.
“Dani, wait!” Evan called out as I jogged past.
I put my headphones in and ran faster. Breathing, heartbeat, and footsteps all synced together as I padded down the road.
Hot tears were streaming down my face, blowing off my cheeks with the breeze.
My calves were screaming as I ran faster than I ever had, I didn’t even process the music playing, all I cared about was the noise being louder than my thoughts.
A chill ran up my spine.
Someone was behind me. I knew who it was, the only person who’d be chasing me. It definitely wasn’t the hermit.
I turned and saw Evan sprinting down the dirt road towards me. He was having a total romantic lead moment.
Mosquitos began biting at my ankles. I wiped away the tears with the heel of my palm. It did absolutely nothing given that I was drenched in sweat.
“Are you always that fast?” Evan asked when he caught up to me, surprisingly out of breath.
I was catching my breath still too, I hadn’t ever run this far, this quickly. “I need a minute. I can’t do this right now.” Every word was punctuated with an inhale. I clutched my side as a cramp began to form. My running skills were horrible.
“Can’t do what?”
The tears started again. “I can’t be the person you want me to be.”
“Who said I wanted you to be anyone? All I asked for was Dani. The real one.”
My head dropped to my chest. “Exactly. I can’t be that. I’m sorry,” I said to the ground. “Please, please just leave me alone right now.”
“Fine, fine,” he took a large step back. I studied his quivering Cupid’s bow for a moment while we both shakily inhaled. “I’ll run back to camp and leave you alone, then, I’m sorry for chasing after you.”
He jogged off towards camp in silence. I crouched onto the dirt road and let the tears that had pooled on the surface pour onto my cheeks.