27. Trying to Live with the Things I Have Done
Chapter twenty-seven
Trying to Live with the Things I Have Done
Pandora
The whipping winds outside the small cabin we inhabited beat against the wooden siding like an angry mob was trying to break in.
I turned my hands in front of the small wood burning stove, which had a kettle full of murky water boiling away for some tea.
The blanket around my shoulders kept slipping, as if it, too, had no desire to protect me, but I still pulled it back into place despite its protesting.
The door to the small space opened, and Ambermourn entered with two paper bags.
He was soaked from head to toe due to the violent storm outside but seemed unbothered by this.
He set the bags down on the round table beside the stove before wringing his gloves out over the sink and wiping his glasses clean.
“My, some weather we’re having tonight, I’ll say! ”
“Yes…” I meekly replied.
He pushed his glasses back into place before moving to the bags, where he pulled an assortment of packaged goods from.
I watched him set each of these items down on the countertop, peering over his shoulder to see if he got anything I liked.
He caught me and let out a soft chuckle.
“Let me guess… you’re a cheese, jam, and crackers kind of girl? ”
“How did you know?” I questioned as he moved for a plate, then began dishing me up a serving.
He set the snacks into my waiting palm before tenderly combing a strand of hair behind my ear. “We both enjoy the finer things in life. I got some wine, too, if you’d like some?”
“I might die without it,” I dramatically proclaimed.
With a flick of his wrist, he procured a mason jar and filled it halfway with cheap wine, but wine, nonetheless.
I thanked him wordlessly and sipped the liquid deeply, humming to myself as the slick alcohol coated my throat.
After, I moved to spread jam over my crack before breaking off a piece of cheese and finishing the combination, which was a beautiful melody of sweet, savory, and salty on my tongue. “This, is what I desperately needed.”
“Anything for you, Goddess.” Ambermourn made himself a plate and glass before sitting beside me on the bed, which took up most of the cabin. He politely chewed on the edges of some cheese before his eyes drifted to the fogged glass window. “Are you recovering well?”
“As well as can be,” I offered as my gaze fixed to him. “Will you please tell me where we are, now?”
He was hesitant, but complied, mostly due to the look on my face. “The Cairngorms, Scotland. A relatively quiet and secluded area away from the noise of Valyce, Odrikius, and those pesky Gods.”
“I see.”
An awkward silence perfumed the space between us. Ambermourn scratched at his neck as he thought of something to say, anything to break the unbearable silence, but he came up empty-handed. I did not want to fill it myself, so I let the raging storm talk for me for a while.
Finally, he managed to find his voice. “So, um… what are our plans here?”
“Our?” I prompted.
His ashen-colored eyes grew as wide as saucers. “Do you mean to dispose of me after all I did to free you?”
“I never said that,” I answered swiftly, and to his relief. I sipped my wine again, really taking in the notes of stale grape. “I don’t know how you can help me more than you have is all. You’ve done a lot, surely, but I have run out of need for you.”
“Oh, I disagree!” He spun to take one of my hands and grip it tightly. “I am faithful to you, Goddess, you know this. I’m sure I can do something to help. I want to rid the world of those Gods-to-be as much as you-...”
“No one wants them gone as much as I, Evander Ambermourn, that I can assure you,” I bitterly cut in over him, making his shoulders slack.
I shook him off of me and brought my face back to the fire to keep myself calm and centered as I spoke.
“Those children are nothing but a thorn in my side. No, not a thorn… a fucking wooden pole.”
“I understand…”
“No, you truly do not. Stop saying you do when you do not know a Gods damn thing.” He winced under my harsh tone.
I snapped a cracker once, twice, three times before cramming the broken piece into the corner of my mouth.
“I have a lot to rebuild because of those little shits. Not to mention…” I ground my teeth, “My darling little husband has turned on me as well. So much for loyalty and a multi-millennium marriage, eh?”
“I would never betray you like that,” Ambermourn declared, moving to kneel before me. He clamped his hands down on my lap and spoke into my knees. “I am faithful to you, and only you. I will do whatever you ask of me, when you ask it.”
“Even if I asked you to kill Atlas?”
His shoulders tightened when I said this. He held his stance, but his voice warbled as he spoke. “I have done enough damage to him. Why would you want me to kill him?”
“To prove your loyalty,” I pointed out nonchalantly.
He brought his head up, his expression like stone. “I…?”
I patted his cheek harshly. “Lovers come and go. If you had told me five years ago that Constantine would abandon me like this, I would have called you insane; but here we are. There is no such thing as ‘faithful’, Evander. Everyone has a limit, a line they will not cross, and that is why I will finish this on my own.”
“Ok, so, Atlas may be my line, but I will do anything beyond that-…?”
“That’s not what I asked of you, is it? I didn’t ask for everything. I asked you to kill Atlas. You cannot do that, therefore you are worth nothing to me.”
“But why must Atlas die? Is he not suffering enough?” he pleaded desperately.
My eyebrows raised curiously. “Suffering?”
“The rulers of Gehenna have sentenced him to a hundred-year exile in Violentia. He will be gone for a year in our time.”
I ran my fingers through his locks gingerly. “My, some helpful information that is. I suppose this means Nicodemus cannot become a God for at least a year?”
“Give or take,” he said with a shrug.
I cupped my chin and stared off into space as my mind raced a thousand miles ahead of me. “Interesting information this is indeed. I take it Endymion and Seraphine are teaching him in Atlas’s absence?”
“One would guess.”
I snapped my fingers. “Then that is who my next target shall be. If we can eliminate Endymion and Seraphine, to a point where they cannot be brought back, might I add,” I sneered this through clenched teeth, “then he would have no Gods of Death left to protect him. Considering he has probably restored their powers as well, this will prove difficult, but I’m sure we can think of a way around this. ”
“You would kill your own father?” Ambermourn unsurely questioned.
I cut him a side-glare. “I killed Erasmus, didn’t I?”
He hugged himself nervously. “Yes, I suppose you did.” His eyes gravitated to my hand, which I had in a fist. “Is it true, then, that you can control more elements now?”
I thought hard about whether or not I wanted to answer him.
Ambermourn was incredibly expendable to me, but at the same time, he had information from the Death Elemental world that I needed to kill the others.
He could be disposed of later, but for now, keeping him on my good side was vital to the cause.
I conjured a small pool of water in my palm and blew on it, which turned it to ice.
“I can control Electricity, Earth, Life, and Water. I would have had more had Nicodemus not so kindly destroyed my scepter, but I don’t think I’ll have time to build another.
For now… I need to think of a new way to get more power.
It won’t be easy, as I am on a time constraint, but maybe we can put our heads together and think of something. ”
“I know of something!” He sprung up and darted to the kitchen table, where he began to shuffle through a duffle bag he had brought with him. He scoured through the pages wildly, flipping them faster than I could keep up, before he landed on something. “Do you know of this journal?”
“It looks to be after my time,” I admitted, though I was curious about it.
He smacked himself in the head. “Oh, of course. I didn’t think about that.
Well, this is one of Seraphine’s personal journals.
She had a plethora of them published to be used as academic textbooks for students at Chandler, but some of them were too personal.
As head of the department…” he held the journal out to me proudly, “I was granted special access to these coveted items, so I could make curriculum out of them.”
“Ah heh? How does this pertain to our issue exactly?”
“Seraphine wrote of a gift Endymion bestowed upon her when she became a God; a collection of jewelry meant to be worn for a variety of reasons. First was a necklace, which Seraphine herself wears daily. It is used as protection charm, to keep her safe when she is fighting demons. It harnesses light from Caelum that she can utilize in her fight.”
“Ok…? You’re losing me here, Evander,” I boredly commented.
“Wait a moment, wait a moment, there’s more!
” He flipped to the next page. “A ring was also part of the set. This was given to Nicodemus, as it was meant to stabilize those who have an extraordinary amount of Shadow Walkers, and give him more control when he spreads his element between each of them.”
“Great, another advantage he has over us,” I bitterly snapped.
He jabbed the page with his finger repeatedly. “This, my dear, is the good part.” He crouched beside me so I could read the page along with him. “The last piece is a bracelet. This bracelet fuses with the wearer and fully restores their Elemental powers!”
“It what?” I gasped out.
“It’s a one-time deal, which is why she kept it hidden for a special circumstance. If you were to get your hands on it, you could restore yourself to your full powers, including your new elements! You would be unstoppable!”
I took either side of his face and kissed his nose brightly. “Evander, you are a genius! The only thing is… where exactly is this located, and how hard is it going to be for us to get our hands on it?”
His excitement dipped slightly. “Er, well, that may be an issue. It resides in Caelum, in a locked Realm only accessible if you, A. have access to the Realm and B. know what number door to look for. That’s something only she would know.”
“Hmm, I see…” I gazed into the fire in the stove, which roared as it consumed a new log Ambermourn had put inside.
“We’ll need to think of something to use against her.
She’s not going to give it to us over just anything.
” I turned and patted his hair gently. “I need you to scout out and see what you can find. I will work on rebuilding what I can, so we are set and ready to do this.”
“That will be difficult. I’m pretty high on the shitlist at Valyce right now,” he grumbled, but the look on my face made him clear his throat.
“I know a trick or two, so I can probably wiggle my way in there. I won’t be able to guarantee access to Seraphine, though.
She’ll sniff out my shenanigans instantly. ”
“She’s surrounded by many people who she deems close confidants. Someone is going to inevitably say something that will help us.”
Ambermourn paused the conversation to sit on the bed beside me and comb through my hair.
I let him do this, as the feeling was soothing.
It reminded me of the times Constantine would do this on the nights I was restless and unable to calm my inner demons.
He would hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
He never expected anything sexual, romantic…
just for me to relax and be calmed by his love.
I craved that feeling now more than ever.
Ambermourn saw he was soothing me and smiled to himself. “Do you really think killing these Gods-to-be is the right thing to do? Do you truly want the responsibility to rule the universe once again? Can’t they do something to make you happier?”
“It’s not that simple,” I began, eyes closed as I leaned into his hand more. “The Successors… they are obstacles. Erasmus is who I have the biggest bone to pick with. He and his pipe dreams have cost me so much, yet he does not consider the consequences of his actions whatsoever.”
“Did you ever consider that, maybe, those kids don’t want to be Successors? That they feel as trapped as you do because of Erasmus’s decisions?”
“Whose side are you on?” I barked, but he just laughed lightly.
I exhaled softly and curled into a ball, tucking my face in between my knees to hide it from him.
“The Successors are in my way to Erasmus. They hold the power, a power I was not ready to let go of, plain and simple. I do not want to hurt my family, but they have turned against me, so what choice do I have?”
“What will you do, when you destroy everyone you love, and are left with no one in this world? Will you be able to rule a universe alone? A place that was created by love and destroyed by chaos, hurt, and jealousy?”
I bit the tip of my tongue. “I… don’t know how to answer that question just yet.”
“You should think of an answer quickly, then.” He stood and pulled a scarf and hat on. “Your time is running out, and every decision you make is turning the world against you. Yes, you may have the ultimate power, but at what cost?”
“Go make yourself useful, please, and stop trying to guilt trip me.”
“I’m not, Pandora; I’m only trying to give you a reality check. Seems like you need it.” He opened the cabin door and disappeared into the cold night, leaving me to pout in front of the fireplace.
I stared at my own reflection, really stared at it, and watched the life leave my own eyes. “What will I do, when I am alone?” I whispered to myself before my head dropped between my legs, and a sea of tears rolled down my cheeks.