30. You Think I’m Weak, But You’re Wrong
Chapter thirty
You Think I’m Weak, But You’re Wrong
Nicodemus
Stark settled on wanting to do this at his house, so Odysseus and I followed him down the sidewalk to his home.
Stark walked with his hands deep in his pockets and a cigarette between his lips, something he smoked rarely, but especially when he was stressed.
Nowadays, I felt like he smoked all the time, but with everything going on, who could blame him?
It’s not like the cigarettes were going to kill him or anything.
Odysseus held my own hand tightly as we walked, his own sweaty with worry about the upcoming conversation.
I tried to even my energy out so he would pick up that I was confident, but internally I was screaming.
I had never advocated during any kind of big conversation like this before, let alone between an unhappily married set of ancient Gods, so what did the opinion of my twenty-one-year-old ass mean to them?
Stark unlocked the front door and invited us inside. “Sorry about the mess. I wasn’t really expecting company.”
“It’s a lot cleaner than usual,” I teased, and received a ruffle of the hair for my comment.
Admittedly, Stark was unlike normal Life Elementals.
Most of them were like Mom or Odysseus: neat freaks to the max.
Stark was a scatterbrain and preferred to live in a not-so-perfect setting to take a break from his over-performing Realm.
His house had little furniture as he, again, never liked to be in it, so he didn’t feel the need to dress it up.
A television hung over a big stone fireplace, and he had a dark grey couch and glass coffee table, but beyond that, the room was empty.
Stark lit a few candles he had on a console table in the hall and brought them into the living room to perfume it a bit.
He tossed a throw blanket back into place and tidied up a bit more before falling into the couch and kicking his legs up on the long section.
“Invite your pregnant ex-wife into your home… great idea, Stark,” he muttered to himself.
I flopped down beside him and sat against his side, nestling into it so he was forced to wrap an arm around me, which he did with a gentle grin. “Stop being a grumpy pants. You’re doing this to close a big chapter in your life.”
He spoke in a frayed, distant tone, “I suppose so. Thank you for being here with me. You seem to be the only person nowadays who can calm my anxiety.”
I frowned and hugged his waist tighter. “Don’t mention it.”
A set of knocks echoed on the door, soft and polite.
Odysseus took it upon himself to answer, and when he opened the door to Seraphine, he fronted a casual smile.
“Hey, Seraphine. Hope you don’t mind, but Stark asked if Nick could be part of the conversation, and Nick kind of dragged me into it, too. ”
“Oh, I don’t mind at all.” Seraphine stepped inside after asking her Shadows to give her some privacy.
Her gorgeous grey eyes soaked in the quaint home around us before falling on the man beside me, who refused to meet her gaze.
He stubbornly stared at the television, the arm he had around me tightening as he suppressed his anger. “This is a lovely home, Stark.”
“Thanks,” he blandly retorted, still not looking at her.
“A lot cleaner than your offices of the past,” she tried to tease.
“I suppose.”
She flinched under his cold tone. Odysseus guided her to the couch and sat beside her, giving Stark his space, but still facing the two towards one another.
Seraphine examined him closely, as she had yet to see him up close in his Shadow form, and it was a bit jarring for her I’m sure.
She did smile a little at how we were cuddled up, and seemed grateful that I was able to keep him calm and collected.
I was too, admittedly.
“So, who wants to go first?” Odysseus asked sweetly.
Seraphine pulled her long hair over her shoulder and began to braid the ends of it methodically. “I suppose I should. Um, Stark?”
“Hmm?” he echoed.
“Could you at least look at me when I speak to you?” she peeped.
Stark wrenched his head in her direction, and the moment he did, his entire body tightened up.
He took in her pregnancy bump, her now long hair, the overall glow she had been consumed by since reuniting with Erasmus, and instead of being happy for her, he sunk into misery at her happiness.
“Look at what? Look at the glorious life you’re living without me? ”
Her posture stayed sure and true, as did her soft and patient tone. “Yes, things have changed, but did you really expect them not to?”
“Of course not. Like I said from day one: you have always loved Erasmus more than me, and you proved that statement the moment he came back. I don’t know why you want to put me through more unnecessary pain, Seraphine. You got what you wanted, so leave me alone.”
She moved to hug herself as the guilt washed over her. “I know you’re angry, and you have every right to be, but what else was I supposed to do? Join you as a Shadow?”
Stark sniffed angrily. “No, I would never wish that upon you, but you didn’t need to come here and rub it in my face, either.”
“Is that what you think this is? Me rubbing things in your face? It’s far from that, Stark.”
“Then what exactly is it?” he roared.
“Lower your voice,” I instructed, and reluctantly, he listened.
Seraphine took a settling breath before finding her voice, “I feel, incredibly unbalanced, knowing things are so strained between us. I do not like this idea that my life moves on without you, especially because you were taken from me so unjustly.”
“It’s not like it matters. Either way, this would be our reality. You would have run back to Erasmus and divorced me the moment he showed up, Seraphine, and you and I both know that.”
“You think so, but honestly, Stark, I don’t know if I would have.”
Stark was astonished by her words. He sat up a little straighter and really brought his focus to her, as he realized she was far from joking. “What? I don’t understand?”
She brought her hands up to her chest and clutched them tightly.
“My love for you both runs very deep within my veins, and if you were still alive, it would have destroyed me even more than it is now. Your death… yes, it gave me an out, a reason to make my choice. Our marriage was til’ death do us part, but the part of me that you own cannot simply let you go. ”
Stark floundered for a response. Odysseus rubbed Seraphine’s back in small circles as she tried not to cry, but between being pregnant and the deep pain within her, she couldn’t stop herself.
Her tears were little droplets of crystal that fell down her cappuccino cheeks like water rolling over a cliffside.
They were delicate things, vulnerable, too, and Stark knew that.
“You have nothing to feel guilty about. We were bound to end in bitter divorce regardless of how things went. We were growing so far apart that I didn’t even want to try anymore, and neither did you,” he weakly attempted.
“Maybe so, but I wanted a say in how we ended things!” She choked on a loud cry and curled up tighter, her shoulders trembling with sadness. “I wanted to say I was done because I was ready, not because the universe stole you from me! It’s not fair!”
Stark softened when she said this. His demeanor, his expression, his voice…
all of it grew compassionate immediately.
The woman who had crumbled him for centuries was back to do it once more, and I knew he was in just as much pain as she was, but he was trying to be the stable one in the conversation.
“I know it’s not fair, Phina, I know. Life has been very cruel to us, in more ways than we can count, but that doesn’t mean it was your fault for what happened that day. I’ve never once blamed you.”
“Why did I have to live? Why me? Why was I left alone for so long… for so very, very long, and why do I have to feel so guilty for not wanting to be alone anymore?”
My heart was shattering from her pleas, and I knew Stark’s was as well.
He slid around me to move to the space between Seraphine and me, where he gently laid his hand on her clasped ones.
His cold touch made her cry harder, as I’m sure she was used to his radiant warmth the way Odysseus was with me.
I could never imagine Odysseus being so cold, and I know she hated it as much as I would have.
“I know I’m angry, but I’m not angry for you moving on with your life.
I am angry for the same reasons you are.
I feel my life was cut short without my say, without any input from me, and I spent thousands of years suffering for it.
I don’t think it’s fair that any of us have suffered this much, or that the universe has used and abused us the way it has. ”
“I love you…” Seraphine finally blurted, her chest seizing from how hard she was crying, “and I don’t want you to ever think I don’t.
I love Erasmus, yes, and I am very happy to be with him, but I will never not love you either, Stark.
Things did not end in a just way between us, and I have all these unresolved feelings because of it.
I wanted-… no, I needed to talk to you, to get this off my chest, because the guilt and pain is eating me alive. ”
Stark kissed her hair gently, still setting a clear boundary, but being sympathetic.
“I love you too, Phina. I always have and always will.” He picked her face up and pressed his forehead to hers, so the two were locked in their own space momentarily.
“Much of the reason that I cannot move on is because I still hold you so close to my heart. I’ve never been able to accept that things just, ended so abruptly, but they did, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. ”
She slid her fingers through his carefully. “I want you to move on, Stark. I want you to have everything you’ve ever desired, even if you must live with constraints.”