Chapter 2 – Sera
Chapter Two
SERA
The clock chimes over the fireplace in the palace sitting room I’ve sequestered myself in, and I look up from my mending, massaging the back of my neck. Two hours until sundown. Two hours left in this body until the swan takes over.
Nausea sweeps through me at the thought. If I concentrate, I can almost feel the bird lurking beneath my skin.
I suck in a breath and hold. One. Two. Three. Four. When I exhale, the nausea has passed and I roll my shoulders back. It was worth it for Raelyn. Although freeing her was what cursed me, I owed her that much after the years of lying and hiding who I was.
Without meaning to, I punch the needle through the fabric and stab my finger underneath.
“Seven hells!” I yelp, bringing it to my mouth to stop the bleeding. This godsforsaken realm has affected my fae healing capabilities from day one. I might be immortal, but I bleed like any human.
As if drawn by the scent of my blood, the snick of the door alerts me to her presence.
“Sera! There you are,” Rae chides as she throws herself onto the settee next to me. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”
“Perhaps I wasn’t in the mood for company,” I snark before biting my tongue. This is Rae, my only friend here in this realm. The only person I know who won’t grow old and die on me any time soon due to her new status as the sun goddess.
When she doesn’t say a word, I look up and shrug. “I’m sorry. I just really needed to finish this before . . .”
Rae nods. “You might not believe me when I say this, but it’ll keep.
” She lays a hand over mine, squeezing it along with the fabric of the dress.
“I miss you. Will you please talk to me? I’ve tried to give you space, but at some point, you’re going to have to actually let me in on how you’re doing instead of keeping it all to yourself. ”
I chew my lip and breathe in deeply through my nose.
I don’t need to hide my feelings from her.
I can trust her, can’t I? She’s still talking to me despite my betrayals and lies and hasn’t shut me out.
Allowing myself a moment to really look at her, I search for the friend I’ve known for almost twenty years.
Becoming a goddess changed her somewhat.
There’s a new wisdom behind her green eyes from the knowledge she gained, but she’s still herself.
Time hasn’t yet hardened her the way it has most gods.
Her father, the former sun god Kyros, was practically mad by the time he reached his end.
“Fine,” I say. “What do you want to know?”
A worried smile tugs at Rae’s lips. “Are you okay?” She lets go of my hand and shakes her head. “Gods, I’m daft. Of course you’re not okay. You turn into a fucking swan every night, why would you be okay?”
A laugh bubbles out of me. “Language, Rae!”
She swats my leg before pulling me into her arms and squeezing tight.
The love and care of her embrace breaks me, and my laughter dissolves into sobs.
I cling to her and she holds me, stroking my back while I cry.
I want to scream at how unfair it is, the loss of control, the loss of my autonomy for half of every day, but it’s my own damned fault.
Breaking powerful magic comes at a cost, and I knew that, even if I didn’t know what the cost would be.
What kind of future could I possibly have like this? Who could ever want me? Alex’s face flashes before my eyes, evoking a painful longing deep within, making me cry all the harder.
I have no idea how much time has passed when I pull back and reach for a handkerchief to dry my eyes and blow my nose. I’m lighter and heavier at the same time. My tears did nothing to solve my dilemma, but there was a catharsis in freeing them after holding them inside for weeks.
Rae jumps up and fills a glass from the water pitcher, returning to the settee and handing it to me. “You probably need this after shedding all those tears.”
“Thanks,” I croak.
“Don’t even mention it,” Rae soothes.
I take another deep breath and meet her worried gaze. “You’re right. I’m not okay. I’ve been trying so hard to accept this new reality, but I absolutely loathe it. Every night, I lose control of myself, and I sometimes worry that when the sun rises, I won’t find my way back.”
“That sounds horrible,” Rae replies.
I’m almost afraid to ask because I already know the answer, but I decide to torture myself anyway. “There’s nothing you can do? Nothing in the wealth of knowledge you gained from becoming a goddess?”
Rae’s shoulders curl in, and she wrings her hands in her lap. “I don’t know how to help you. Don’t you think I would have done something by now if I did? Wait.” She stiffens. “Do you think I’ve withheld information from you on purpose?”
I stare at the mending in my lap. “You’d be well within your rights to after everything I did.”
“Sera!” she exclaims, her voice betraying the hurt. “I would never.”
Cursing under my breath, I finally meet her gaze again. Her eyes have welled up with tears, and I feel terrible for even suggesting such a thing, for daring to question. “I didn’t truly think it, I swear.”
“You need to stop acting like I’m going to turn around and punish you.
Yes, it hurt more than I can say that you lied to me and helped deceive me for all those years, including hiding your fae heritage, but I understand it was not all your choice due to how you were bound to your word.
I forgive you for that. What I will not stand for is you hiding away for the unforeseeable future and moping about your curse instead of trying to help us find a way to break it! ”
“This isn’t on you to fix,” I spit out. “This was my choice, my penance. I deserve it.”
“Stop playing the martyr,” Rae grits out. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough for freeing me and saving my and Kian’s lives in the process. You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your days like this.”
“If you don’t have an answer, you, an actual goddess, how in the hells do you think I’m going to find a way out?” I cry desperately. “I didn’t ask you until now because I knew the minute I confirmed you had no way to help, it was truly over.”
“Hells, Sera, way to make me feel like a shitty goddess.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” I retort. “I don’t think there is an answer for me. The runes made it clear that this curse was binding. I chose this . . . even if I didn’t know what this was. I’ve been looking for answers, but I keep hitting walls.”
“I have to believe there is an answer for you,” Rae says. “I’m not giving up, and neither are Kian or Alex. Alex has practically been sleeping in the library.”
I snort and shake my head. “Not sure why he’d bother. He is so mad at me for all the lies and is clearly repulsed by my being fae.”
“Sera.” Rae gives me a look that screams fool, but I can’t even let my mind go there.
“As much as I appreciate the help, it’s pretty damned hopeless right now . . . Perhaps I just need to find a way to live with it. I hate that you all have been wasting your time. Don’t you have bigger things to worry about? Like making an heir or something?”
Rae rolls her eyes. “I don’t care what the king says. An heir can wait.”
The clock chimes again, and I glance out the window at the setting sun. “I’d really love to continue this conversation, but I need to prepare before—”
“It’s going to be okay,” Rae interrupts, “I promise we’ll do everything we can. Maybe the answers aren’t here in Rakveren. We might need to look elsewhere, maybe even in a different kingdom.”
I blow out a breath. “As much as I doubt it, I guess there could be a chance.”
Rae pulls me into a hug and whispers, “Alex cares about you. You should talk to him.”
“I have to go,” I croak, pulling away, not wanting to think about the dark-skinned, hazel-eyed man who takes up far too much space in my thoughts.
I’d sworn off love, sworn off attachments.
They’ve only caused me pain. Then something about this man drew me in, made me consider possibilities .
. . but everything changed after that trip to the isle, after he discovered my secrets and I took on this curse.