Chapter 14 – Alex
Chapter Fourteen
ALEX
Sera’s transformation sends a whole-body shudder through me, her bones cracking, skin stretching and distorting before she shrinks away.
What a shitty curse. The swan honks and looks angry, almost as if it’s going to come charging back into the palace at me.
Funny that her swan hates me just as much as she does.
After picking up her discarded clothes, I shoo Swan Sera farther into the garden, and with an angry honk, she flaps her wings, heading straight for the small pond. I follow, sitting on an iron bench overlooking it.
The evening is pleasantly warm, and I breathe in the scent of moonflowers and night-blooming roses.
Swan Sera swims around the pond, looking elegant and irritated at the same time as she ducks her head in for dinner.
As much as I’ll miss Sera, I truly hope Rae can find a way to open a portal for her. I’d give anything to see her set free.
A sudden craving for vespira burns through me, and I take some deep, even breaths, hoping it will fade.
Every time I think I can stay away, the craving wins and I give in again.
Kian would kill me if he knew how many times I’ve succumbed after swearing it was over.
I stick my hand in my pocket, rolling the vials of tonic between my fingers.
Margot knows I’m not fully off the shit.
I’m grateful she didn’t say anything in front of Sera.
I try not to let the disappointment that there’s no quick fix crush me.
Life isn’t that kind. Despite Margot’s warning, I really need this to work.
I’ve been drowning. Pulling one of the vials out, I examine the sparkling green liquid in the dim light.
Luna’s moon is high in the sky and it’s nearly dark.
I throw back half of the vial, grimacing at the flavor.
“Hells, this tastes like dirty grass,” I say aloud.
The swan gives me a strange look, swimming closer.
“Oh you’re interested in me now?” I ask.
There’s an intelligence in the swan’s eyes, but she merely stares at me. I asked Rae about it once. Sera told her it’s like the bird has overtaken her. I can’t imagine losing that kind of control. It sounds horrible. Who are you kidding? You haven’t been in control for months.
“I know you’re not able to understand me,” I muse, “but I miss talking to you, Sera. When we traveled to Liial, I thought perhaps you might finally let down your walls.”
I swallow the words I really want to say, looking up at Luna’s moon.
Is she mocking us? After Rae and Kian’s stories, I am less inclined to believe the gods have good intentions.
Excluding Rae of course, though her almost lack of power makes me wonder why gods are even worshiped to begin with.
She was half human only a few months ago and now she’s a goddess?
A baby one, but still. I’m very disillusioned where gods are concerned.
A splash, and my gaze is drawn back to Sera. The swan is so graceful and beautiful, and the moonlight casts silver shimmers over her, reminding me of her hair.
“Is there any possibility, ever, that when this curse is broken, you might find it in your heart to give me another chance?” I whisper. “I may be better off lost to vespira root than living a lifetime without you.”
I must be losing it. Here I am, pouring out my heart to a fucking swan who won’t remember anything come morning.
Perhaps it’s better this way though. I’m tired of her rejections.
To be honest, I’m not really sure why it bothers me so much.
I’ve never had trouble finding female companionship before.
Women seem to enjoy my company, but after meeting her, no one can quite measure up.
“You’re a lovesick idiot, Alex,” I mutter to myself.
Swan Sera looks content to swim and fish, so I stand and stretch.
The world is looking a little hazy around the edges, and sleep sounds very good despite the early hour.
Perhaps it would be a restful one for the first time in weeks.
The thought of my pipe is still appealing, but the craving isn’t quite as potent after taking the tonic.
I can do this. I can be done with it. Does that mean I must give up all simple pleasures? I shake my head. A decision for another day.
“Have a good night, Spitfire,” I say softly, glancing over my shoulder one last time. She seems to watch me go, but I’m probably imagining it.
Striding over to the messy desk in my chambers, I tuck the remaining vials of tonic in a safe place before shrugging out of my light jacket. The faintest trace of vespira lingers in the air, and I let out a shaky exhale.
“Alex, are you okay?” Kian asks, emerging from a shadowy corner.
“Gods, you scared me!”
“Just giving you a taste of your own medicine.” He smirks, plopping down into a chair.
I nod, rubbing at my chest. “Fair enough.”
“Well? Are you okay?”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever recover after walking in on you two.”
Kian answers with a shit-eating grin, and I grimace, blowing out a breath before taking the seat next to him.
“Margot said her magical tonic won’t really cure me. It might help a little, but she said it’s going to require a lot of work to kick this.”
“I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.”
I throw up my hands. “I know. But I have no one to be angry with except myself, right?”
“You were hurting,” Kian says softly. “We’re not prone to making the best decisions when we’re in pain.”
“Perhaps you’re right.”
“Oh I know I’m right,” Kian teases, but there’s a softness around the edges. He’s treating me like I’m fragile, and I hate it.
“Whatever Margot gave me is about to knock me out, so I’m going to bed if that’s all right.”
“Just please let me know if you need anything, okay?” Kian almost begs. “If you’re struggling, if you need someone to just be around to keep you making good choices, I am here for you.”
I nod and walk slowly back to my bedroom.
I want to believe him, I really do, but he has Rae now.
For all I know, he’ll soon have a family to worry about and I’ll be even lower on his list of priorities.
A pang of jealousy courses through me that he has the things I’ve always wanted when he never wanted them before.
As my mother always says, life isn’t fair, and expecting it to be will only lead to bitter disappointment.
Raelyn, Kian, and I have spent the past few weeks holed up in the library, looking through old dusty books for anything and everything regarding portals between realms, trying to check if there’s something we missed, but this time, Sera has actually been joining us.
While she still isn’t really talking to me, it’s been an improvement to say the least.
“Whatcha got there?” Kian nods at the giant stack of ancient-looking books in my arms.
“I completely forgot I had these,” I reply as I carefully set the tomes onto the table, causing a plume of dust to shoot up my nose. I start coughing, and Kian pounds me on the back.
“Don’t die on us now!”
I sigh loudly. “If all the dust hasn’t killed me yet, it won’t now. Gods, I’m so sick of it. No matter how many baths I take, I’m certain to find more hiding somewhere.”
Sera cracks the tiniest of smiles that I’m almost certain I imagined.
“This is quite the glamorous life, isn’t it?” Rae jokes.
“I suppose it’s only slightly better than mending your torn shirts,” Sera teases.
I settle into the seat next to hers and pass the books around the table. “When I was home last year, I grabbed all the books I could find on fae and portals,” I explain.
“And you’re just remembering this now?” Kian raises a brow as he cracks open the first book.
A flush of embarrassment heats my cheeks, but I shrug. “With Sera gone south, I put them away and forgot about them. Sorry.”
“It was thoughtful of you to get them at all!” Rae exclaims, throwing Kian a dirty look.
I hate the way they still act like I’m fragile and prone to relapse at any moment. I hate it more that I’m always on the edge of one bad decision. I can be stronger than that, right? I’m due to visit Margot again, which will help.
Instead of waiting for her to send me the first batch of tonic, I picked them up in person. After spending more than an hour speaking, we decided to make it a weekly occurrence, and talking to her always helps. I’ve been to see her three times now.
“Thanks, Alex,” Sera says, and I whip my eyes up to meet hers. It’s so rare for her to speak directly to me anymore, but I smile and nod.
“Of course. Again, sorry for only remembering them now.”
Rae thinks she’s close to figuring out how to open a portal, but apparently, one needs ley lines or something or the other. Rakveren’s library, as far as we can tell, has no information on them at all.
Dusting off the book in front of me, I try not to start coughing again. The pages are yellowed with age, crumbling around the edges. It’s a miracle it’s even legible.
“Alex! Careful!” Rae chides. “Did you wash your hands?”
I give her a side eye. These books are filthy and she’s worried about my hands?
“I’ll be right back.”
The head librarian was very firm about clean hands when handling her precious texts. She’d probably have a conniption if she knew I took these books from Maardune’s great library without permission.
Once I’ve returned from a thorough hand washing, I glance around the table. Kian looks bored out of his mind, but he’s carefully poring over the text in front of him anyway.
“If only I could stab my way into a portal,” he murmurs under his breath, and I choke back a laugh.
“Shh, I’m trying to concentrate,” Rae chides.
Sera is completely engrossed in whatever she’s reading, and I steal a moment to really look at her.
As always, she takes my breath away, but there’s a weariness to her.
The droop of her shoulders and the faint circles under her eyes scream of the hours spent looking for answers.
Her blonde hair is swept up into a messy knot on top of her head, but a few tendrils hang loose, one of which she wraps around her finger over and over.
As if sensing my eyes on her, Sera flicks hers up and frowns.
I give her a weak smile and duck my head.
Probably time for me to get to work. I open the text in front of me, but the book is entirely in fae.
How in the realms did it end up in this one?
I struggle to read the unfamiliar words in the language I still haven’t mastered.
“Maybe you should take a look at this one?” I direct my words to Sera, carefully sliding the text toward her. “I think it’s something about trade, but I’m not sure.”
Sera reaches for the book, and her hand brushes mine, sending sparks shooting up my arm. She jerks her hand back as if stung. Did she sense that too? We never touch anymore, but I haven’t forgotten that stolen moment before everything lit up.
“Sorry,” she mutters. “I don’t know what that was.”
“It was probably me,” I mumble.
Gods, the tension is so thick, I could cut it with a knife. When the room goes even quieter than it already was, I look up and note Kian’s and Rae’s awkward stares. Great. Even they can feel how uncomfortable this is.
“Well, uh, I need a quick break.” Rae stands and stretches her arms overhead.
“Me too!” Kian says, jumping up. “Be back in a bit. Don’t find the answer without us . . . or do!” he calls over his shoulder with a wink.
I rub at my eyes, cursing when they burn from how filthy my fingers have become already.
“Are you okay?” Sera asks.
“Stupid dust,” I grumble, wiping my hands off.
“Yes, so you’ve said.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard you sneeze once,” I say.
“Maybe it’s because I’m fae.”
“Must be nice.”
Sera runs her finger along a line of text, brow furrowed in concentration. “I guess there are some advantages.”
Gods, this small talk is killing me. I’d give anything for something real between us. Have I really screwed that up so entirely?
“Listen, Sera.” I place my hand on top of hers, relishing the sensation of her soft skin. “Is there more I can do?”
Her body stiffens and her hand tenses beneath mine. Am I that repulsive to her now? Damned vespira. Damned life choices. I release her hand and start to move away, but she surprises me when she reaches for my arm.
“Wait.”
The pounding of my heart almost drowns out all other sound as my entire being hones in on her voice, her touch.
I clear my throat. “Yes?”
“Thank you for this. It’s actually really helpful.”
“Oh? Good.”
She lets go, and my arm is cold without the warmth of her hand.
Pointing to one of the lines of text, she tilts her head, and I meet her curious gaze. “How did you even know what this was about?”
“I’m teaching fae language,” I say in stilted fae.
Sera bursts out laughing, and my heart leaps.
“What?”
“Your accent is horrific,” she teases. “And you’re learning the fae language.” The lyrical sound of her tongue is music to my ears, but I grin sheepishly at my mistake.
“Clearly I need a tutor.”
“I don’t know if a tutor could fix that tongue of yours.” She winks.
“Oh, I think you know my tongue is quite capable.”
Her cheeks flush pink, and I can almost see her thoughts before something shutters behind her eyes and I can feel the invisible wall she puts back up between us.
“Why would you even waste your time? Do you think the realms will open trade again? Or are you trying to follow in your father’s footsteps and become an ambassador, but to another realm?”
“Learning about you and your people is not a waste of time,” I reply firmly, trying to hold back my frustration at the sting of her words. When will she finally understand what she means to me?
Sera shakes her head, her jaw tight. “You’re not coming with me, Alex.”
“I—I know.”
She returns to the text, and it takes everything in me not to run off to my rooms and look for a pipe, anything to dull the pain of another rejection. I know she’s leaving, but that never stopped a vicious hope.