Chapter 25
Ian
Her text comes in late, but I’m awake, snuggling baby Rose, the only girl in Conall and Meg’s litter.
The boys, Hawthorn, Bramble, and Thistle, are distributed among the other members of our family.
We’re all gathered in their den while Conall and Meg get some well-earned rest after coming home early this evening.
Despite the fact that we’re usually a pretty raucous group, tonight we’re all under the spell of these tiny bundles, and the cozy atmosphere is just soft murmurs and the occasional infant sounds as the babies are passed around.
“Thank you for the flowers,” Julia writes. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to. How was the appointment?” I send back, surprised she’s still awake.
“Good. Doc says I need more protein, so I went shopping after. The flowers were a nice surprise when I got home.”
“I’m glad you liked them. I still owe you a lunch, though.”
She doesn’t reply immediately, and I think the conversation must be over. I’m about to tell her goodnight when three dots appear, indicating she’s typing something. They disappear and then reappear again, so I wait for her to formulate whatever she’s trying to say.
“Did you write the card for the flowers or did the florist?” she finally sends.
“I did.” I ordered them at the hospital’s flower shop while I was there visiting after the birth. “Why do you ask?”
“You have nice handwriting.”
I grin stupidly at my screen until my brother Sean, who’s holding Bramble, notices and smirks at me.
“Your mate?” he whispers, sharing a knowing look with his own mate, who’s patting their drowsy toddler daughter’s back as she drifts off in her lap. A puppy pile of cousins is crashed out on the floor nearby. “Invite her over.”
I hold my phone tight like it’s Julia’s hand.
Being here with everyone, tending Conall’s pups while he and his mate sleep in each other’s arms…
it makes me realize that this is what it will be like when our litter is born.
The pups and I will be circled with the love of my family, but she won’t.
And she probably doesn’t even know what it’s like to have a pack. She doesn’t know what she’s missing.
“I wish you were here,” I impulsively thumb-type with one hand. “You want to come and hold the babies?”
“I’m already in my PJs.”
“So is everyone else.” I take a quick panorama shot of the room as evidence, as well as a shot of my plaid-flannel-clad lap, and send them both to her. “See? You’ll fit right in.”
“You know what? If it’s really okay for me to be there, I would love to come.”
A pleased shock ripples through me, and my tail thumps on the sofa cushion next to me. I expected her to decline. She’s been so careful not to blur any lines. Maybe attending the howl a couple weeks ago made her feel more comfortable hanging out with my family.
“You remember how to get here?”
“Yep. I’m on my way.”
I have to remember to breathe. The burst of air I let out stirs little Rose, who gives a tiny baby growl at being woken.
I jiggle her a little until she settles back down and then, once I’m sure she’s completely asleep again, pass her off to my mom, who I can tell is greedy for more puppy time now that she’s filled Conall’s fridge with meals.
“Julia’s on her way,” I say quietly so I don’t wake Rose again.
“Oh, Ian!” Mam’s eyes well up. Everyone is a little extra emotional over the new additions to the family. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”
“I don’t know that it means anything,” I rush to add. “She really loves babies, and I may have dangled these pups as bait.”
“Whatever works to get her here, as far as I’m concerned. The whole pack should be together, in good times and in bad.”
“I love you, Mam,” I tell her. I’m glad she thinks of Julia as pack already. Now I just have to get Julia thinking that way.
I wait outside for her in the cold, clear night. It’s after midnight, but the moon is so bright, it hardly feels like it. The Milky Way is an obvious wash across the center of the sky, and I want to howl, it’s so beautiful.
Her blue Volvo pulls up sooner than I expect.
She must have left right after we texted about it.
And sure enough, when she gets out, she’s wearing purple pajamas under her coat.
They have little sheep on them, and her fuzzy, cream-colored sherpa jacket makes her top half look a little bit like a lamb. So freakin’ adorable, I can’t stand it.
“Cute jammies,” I say, grinning.
“Yours, too.” Her cheeks turn pink, but maybe it’s the cold air. “I’ve never been outside in my pajamas before.”
I raise an eyebrow at that. “Never?”
She shakes her head, something sparking in her eyes. “It’s kinda fun.”
“That’s why they call it a pajama party, I guess.”
She snorts at my dumb joke. I love seeing her carefree like this. “Don’t worry, I won’t wear them to the grocery store,” she assures me.
“I wasn’t worried. You can wear them anywhere you want. Like I said, they’re cute. You’re cute,” I add, a little more seriously. I reach out and catch her hand in mine, tugging her closer so I can give her a totally-friend-appropriate-if-it-weren’t-for-the-boner hug. “I’m glad you came.”
“I’m glad you invited me. It was good timing. I was thinking tonight that”—she pauses, breath puffing white in the chilly air, body heat seeping through our thin pajama pants so I can feel her warmth where our thighs touch—”I would like to be in their lives. Our pups, I mean.”
Now I really am shocked, but I have enough presence of mind not to let go of her. “Good. Great! I’m surprised. I mean…what changed for you?”
“I was talking to Heidi and Nicole when they came over for dinner tonight. They were kind of…challenging me on some things. Saying they wanted me to be happy. I could hardly even imagine what that would mean, being happy. All I could think about is what I’d lose in the divorce.
But later, I was lying in bed, looking at the pictures you sent of Meg and Conall’s litter, and I realized that it would make me happy to nurse our babies.
To know their little personalities and watch them grow up.
I set that boundary for Richard, not for me.
He didn’t even demand it. I just pre-emptively denied myself the happiness of knowing my own children in the hopes it would…
I don’t know. Placate him. Earn some kind of points.
But it won’t. So why am I doing it?” She looks up at me like I might know the answer.
Thank fuck for Heidi and Nicole. I knew they were real ones. “You tell me.”
She shakes her head. “He’s had me jumping through hoops so long, I’ve forgotten that I never wanted to be a circus dog.
Honestly, I don’t think he wanted one, either.
That’s just how our dynamic ended up. Like he wanted someone to take care of his house and kids, but it also kind of disgusted him that I didn’t have higher aspirations. ”
“Higher?!” I bark. “What fucking aspiration is higher than raising your kids?”
She shakes her head, unable to answer. “I thought he pushed me to be perfect so he could be proud of me, so I tried to live up to his expectations. But no matter what I do, he finds some reason to tear me down. I don’t think he wants to be proud of me, Ian.
He just wants to feel powerful at my expense. ”
I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight to me as I stare at the sky, throat aching.
I want to kill him for making this constant, delicate dance her life.
Always worried about getting it right and never being able to please him.
“I wish you could leave,” I rasp, knowing it’s not that simple, especially if he’s as dangerous as Ben says he is.
“I know. I’m sorry it’s not easier for you.
For both of us. I need time to figure out what my life is going to look like, having two families, and explain it to my girls.
Then I’ll deal with breaking the news to Richard.
I’ll be fine in the meantime. As you’ve probably noticed, he’s rarely home, anyway. ”
“Whatever is good for you is good for me,” I assure her, meaning it. Of course, I’d rather she was living in my house, but if she’s safe and happy, I’m happy. And I know what will make her happy right now. “You want to come inside where it’s warm and meet some pups?”
She nods eagerly, and I lead her into the snug living room where the whole family greets her with whispers and smiles. Ben stands, ears perked, and crosses the room to join us.
“Julia,” he says, frowning, and her fingers tighten around mine. I squeeze her hand to let her know I have her back. If he starts grilling her like he did before, I’ll step in. “I heard you’re expecting—congratulations. How are you doing?”
“Oh.” The relief in her voice is palpable. “I’m fine, thank you. Feeling much better this week.”
“Enjoy it, it goes quickly,” Ben’s mate, Miel, says, smiling shyly from behind him.
A quiet, blonde wulver, she’s nearly Ben’s opposite in appearance and personality.
He’s lucky he has her to balance him out, and he knows it.
She steps forward, a red newborn pup in her arms. “This is Hawthorn, if you’d like to hold him? ”
“Oh, he’s precious,” Julia gushes as Miel passes him over. “Those ears are the sweetest I’ve ever seen. He got the Lyall fur, too, how cute.”
“He’s the biggest of the four. All the pups are a really good size, though. I don’t know how Meg did it,” Miel confides. “She’s amazing.”
“How big were yours?” Julia asks her, still admiring Hawthorn.
“My first litter, most were about three pounds. I think with the twins, one of them was maybe an ounce over four, and I thought that was huge! You’ve had human babies, though, so pups will be a piece of cake for you.”
The two of them continue chatting about pregnancy and birth while Ben and I fetch us all something to drink, and then I spend the next two hours with my arm around my mate while she holds each of our new nephews and niece in turn, exclaiming over them, rocking them, and singing softly to them in her magical little voice when they stir.
Every once in a while, she looks over at me with this expression of pure joy, just to share it with me.
Goddamn if I’m not the happiest wolf under the moon tonight.