Chapter 10
Amanda rushed in the front door of the covenstead, surprised to find only Colette in the living room. The place was usually pretty busy around dinnertime. “Where is everyone?” she asked.
Colette was seated on the floor next to the coffee table.
She had several books and notebooks spread out on the glass and wood surface, with plenty of pens, pencils, and highlighters in between.
Though she was dressed in pajama bottoms and a hoodie, she still had her signature glam makeup on, and her earring stack sparkled.
“Various places. Dinner plans, company parties, holiday shopping. Great hat, by the way.”
She touched her head. The warm woolen hat felt so good that Amanda hardly wanted to take it off, even when she was inside. “Thanks. What are you up to?” She nodded toward the assortment on the coffee table and tried to ignore the eager anticipation inside her.
“Just studying. I’ve got to make sure I keep my grades up so I don’t lose my scholarship.” Colette pulled yet another book out of the backpack that sat next to her on the floor. “The marching band is supposed to go on a competition trip, so I need to get ahead of things before I get behind.”
“If only we could do that with everything in life,” Amanda murmured. “Hey, is Maeve in?”
“Yeah, I think she’s in her altar room.”
“Darn. I won’t bother her, then.” There were only so many people she could ask about her current problem, and Maeve was one of them.
“Oh, you’re good,” Colette assured her. She grabbed her mug to take a drink, came up empty, and frowned into the cup. She got up and headed toward the kitchen. “Maeve said she was just looking up a few things, so I don’t think you’d be bothering her.”
“Great. Thanks!” Amanda took the stairs two at a time to the second floor. She noticed the door to Maeve’s bedroom was shut, but the one to her altar room next door was open a crack. She knocked on the door frame. “Hey. Do you have a minute?”
The door swung open, revealing her aunt in a duster-length cardigan and loose pants. “Hi, honey. Nice hat. What’s bothering you?”
She hadn’t even said that anything was bothering her.
That was one of the reasons Amanda had always liked coming to Maeve when she had problems. All the women in their family were close, and she could go to her own mother with most things.
Sometimes, though, she wanted an opinion that wasn’t colored by the fact that Lucille had given birth to her.
“Well, the hat itself, in a way,” Amanda replied.
“Come in, come in.” Maeve opened the door wider and then closed it almost silently behind her. “I was just doing a little research.”
The small space that Maeve used as her altar room was very efficiently packed.
A desk on one side near the window resembled Colette’s assortment of books and papers on the coffee table downstairs.
Several candles had been lit, sending the warm scent of beeswax floating into the air.
The shelves were packed with books and crystals, and a small couch occupied the wall opposite the desk.
Across from the door sat the large cedar chest that served as Maeve’s altar. Right now, it bore photos of Kendrick and the other dragons among a very carefully curated assortment of herbs and candles.
“They’re not feeling any better?” Amanda asked.
Maeve’s long beaded necklaces clacked gently.
“I’m afraid not. It’s rather like exhaustion, except that rest and electrolytes aren’t making it any better.
They don’t have any symptoms of illness, like a cough or fever, not that we really think it has anything to do with a virus, anyway.
Corbin is doing a little better than the others, being young.
I’m sorry. You didn’t come in here to hear me rattle on like this. ”
But Amanda realized that she should have. She’d been so caught up in her own problem with Lars that she hadn’t checked in. “No, that’s all right. How’s Kendrick?”
Maeve pressed her lips together into a hard line.
Deep wrinkles formed in her forehead, ones that made her look much closer to her real age than she usually did.
“He’s lying down in the bedroom. That’s not like him.
He’s always up and looking for things to do, fixing things that hardly even have anything wrong with them just to stay occupied.
I tease him about being an old dragon in his lair, but the truth is that I’m worried. ”
“Is there anything we can do?” Amanda floundered for some sort of solution.
“I’m trying to figure that out,” her aunt told her, gesturing to the messy desk. “I’m doing some research. That’s your mother’s wheelhouse, and of course, she’s doing the same at the library. I’m hopeful that she’ll find something soon.”
Amanda pursed her lips, thinking about how much Corinna had gotten under her skin. She was haughty and dismissive, treating Maeve and Lucille as if they were no one, even though they had far more experience. She also seemed interested in Lars.
“But listen to me,” Maeve said. “I already apologized for rattling on, and then I kept doing it. By the look on your face, I know you weren’t here just to say hello. Tell me what’s going on.”
Amanda sat down on the couch, the soft hat in her hands. She’d always thought of wool as being rough and itchy, but this was unbelievably soft. “I had a rough day at work,” she began, “but I’ve been having a lot of those lately.”
“Mmhm.” Maeve sat next to her and folded her hands on her knees, her silver rings glinting in the moonlight. She tipped her face toward Amanda to make sure she knew she was listening.
“I can’t seem to get things right.” It was hard to explain, but she knew Maeve would understand.
“I’m still helping my clients. They feel better when they leave the office, but I know I should be able to do more.
I thought maybe it was the amount of time I was spending with them, but even in longer sessions, I just feel like I’m hitting a wall. ”
“You know, you do keep some very demanding hours,” Maeve pointed out.
“I have to if I’m going to get to everyone,” Amanda defended. “I can’t just take a day off.”
“And that’s part of the problem,” the older woman returned. “Amanda, darling, you are incredibly talented, but even you can’t heal the whole world. That’s not your job, and you can’t expect it of yourself. It’s okay to cut back a little and make time for other things.”
Amanda pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You’re not wrong, but I still don’t think this is a matter of just being burned out. I think I might have some blockages.”
“Why don’t you lie down and let me take a look?” Maeve stood and went across the room. She turned on some soft music, and when she came back, she hovered her hands just over Amanda’s head and slowly worked her way down. “Is there anything specific that makes you think it’s a blockage?”
“Well, let’s just say another energy expert pointed them out to me with very little effort,” Amanda replied miserably.
Maeve’s hands stopped just over Amanda’s chest. Then she moved down a little further and stopped again. “Does this expert happen to have blonde hair and a cute accent?”
“He does.” She didn’t want Lars to be right, but Amanda could feel it within herself.
“And he told you that your heart and solar plexus are where the problem is located?” Maeve continued.
“Not in so many words, but yes.” It’d shocked the hell out of her that he’d been able to pinpoint them so easily.
Maeve stopped what she was doing. She scootched Amanda over on the couch so she could sit next to her, and then she took her hands.
“I’m glad you came to me, and I’m flattered that you wanted my advice.
The thing is, I don’t think you need it.
You already know just as well as I do what’s going on here. ”
“It could be,” Amanda reasoned, “but maybe there’s something else.”
Maeve gave her a dubious look. “I remember the last time you had these exact same symptoms, and I remember what caused them.”
“Dale.” Amanda clung tightly to her aunt’s hands and closed her eyes. “But I’m over him.”
“The man himself, sure,” Maeve reasoned. “That doesn’t mean you’re over what he did, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re ready to trust just anyone with your heart.”
“Lars isn’t just anyone.” Amanda pulled her hands back and put them beneath her to sit up, which wasn’t easy on the soft couch. Her joints and muscles were also really feeling all that ice skating. “I think he’s my mate.”
“You think, or you know?” Maeve asked quietly.
Amanda sighed again. Maeve was always direct.
“I know. But I don’t know what to do about it.
I really struggled in my relationship with Dale, even when I thought things were good.
Then it all went sour, and I struggled even more.
Those blockages were hell to clear. If Lars is the person I’m supposed to be with, then why would they come back? ”
“The human body and mind are finicky things. They do all sorts of crazy shit without our permission,” Maeve reasoned. “It seems to me that being around Lars triggered these symptoms for you, even if he’s not the one who originally caused them.”
“Well, great.” Amanda swung her feet to the floor and braced her elbows on her knees. “So I finally meet my mate, but he just makes me sick and lives on the other side of the world.”
Maeve laughed. “Let’s look at this one problem at a time, shall we?
The most immediate issue is your health and well-being.
Meeting Lars might have brought these issues out of remission, but it doesn’t mean that he actually caused them.
That’s within you. You’ve got to change your beliefs about the issue, no matter how deeply rooted they are. ”
“That’s not an easy thing to do.” Amanda stood and went to the window, looking out over the spacious back yard and the section of wood just behind the covenstead.
“I don’t even have to close my eyes to remember what it was like catching Dale with another woman, and I know our situation isn’t the first like it.
Lots of people find that they can’t handle the loneliness of being so far apart, and they seek comfort from someone else. ”
“But it’s not fair to assume that everyone is like that,” Maeve countered. “How do you think Lars would feel if you told him you thought he was going to cheat on you?”
“I mean, I’m not saying he’s going to cheat on me,” Amanda began, but then she stopped. She didn’t want to believe Lars could do such a thing, but in her mind she’d already assigned the sin to him.
She’d have to think about that some more. “Even if I can trust him, how are we supposed to make it work when we’re so far apart?”
“What if you weren’t far apart?”
Amanda turned from the window. “I don’t see how we couldn’t be. Lars has a huge responsibility at home, one that his family has been carrying out for decades. I can’t ask him to leave that behind.”
Maeve nodded. “All right. And what about you?”
“I might not have the same history behind what I do, but I’m just as committed.
I’ve got a duty to my coven and to my clients.
Some of these people tell me that they don’t know what they’d do without me.
” Amanda pushed off the windowsill and came back toward the couch.
She’d left her hat on the end table next to the sofa, and now she picked it up and rotated the brim through her fingers.
“I can’t leave, but if I did, it’d have to be for something good, not just romance. ”
“Just romance?” Maeve gathered her long gray hair and pushed it behind her shoulders. “It’s not just romance when it’s your mate. It’s love, connection, and partnership. Everyone needs that.”
Those were all nice words, the sort of thing she’d fantasized about at one point in her life. Amanda wasn’t sure they were for her, though. “I don’t know that they’re a need.”
“Amanda,” Maeve scoffed. “I don’t think you really believe that.
I think you’re just convincing yourself of it because it’s too hard to deal with the truth.
It’s difficult for anyone to look their own trauma in the face and tell it to leave them the hell alone.
It’s much easier to just ignore what you need and take care of everyone else. ”
“Sure, that would be easier,” Amanda relented.
“But think about the alternative. If Lars and I tried to make this work, then one of us would have to make a huge sacrifice. These aren’t little things.
It’s not deciding which sofa or fridge to keep.
It’s our entire lives, and someone has to give that up. ”
“Yes, but what you get in return could be absolutely magical.” Maeve got up and wrapped her arm around Amanda. “Even if you didn’t need that love and connection, don’t you think you deserve it, anyway?”
Amanda opened her mouth to reply, but no words came.
Apparently, the lack of reply was exactly what Maeve needed, because she gestured toward the couch. “Now, I’ll do what I can to help you get more in balance than you are. I can’t fix things, but I might be able to make them better.”
“All right.” Amanda put the hat back on the table and lay down.
She closed her eyes and tried not to think about all that they’d discussed, but it was impossible.
Was it right to ask someone to change their entire life for a relationship?
And how could anyone give up everything they’d worked so hard for?
Worst of all, what would happen if it didn’t actually work?
Amanda felt as though she had even fewer answers than before.