Chapter 9 #3
He took a deep breath. “I’ve wanted to tell you we were mates since the day I met you,” he said.
“But under wolf shifter law, I couldn’t until you turned eighteen. That applies to shifters and non-shifters both. I also knew that if we started a relationship, I wanted you to know the truth. I didn’t want to lie to you or hide what I was.”
I remembered that night—my eighteenth birthday, when I’d kissed him and he’d pulled away. I’d thought he didn’t want me, but really...
“When you kissed me on my eighteenth birthday,” Ryder continued, “I had to stop it because I didn’t want us to start our relationship without you knowing everything. I was going to tell you the next day, but then...” He trailed off, looking guilty.
“Then you left for alpha training,” I finished.
He nodded. “And like I said the other day, I got in with the wrong crowd. I let them poison me with their extremist views.”
He paused, his jaw tightening. “Before I left for alpha training, there was already talk about integration, and not everyone was happy about it. There were quite a few alphas and betas in training who did not want integration to happen. And they were very convincing.”
I stayed quiet, letting him talk, even though every word felt like a knife to my chest.
“They convinced me that interspecies mating would weaken us,” he said, his voice rough. “That I needed a wolf shifter Luna to be a strong Alpha. I told my parents I was going to reject you, and they were not happy, but they thought it was just a rebellious phase.”
Reject me. The words echoed in my head, making my chest tight.
“When I came back that summer, I was hell-bent on rejecting you,” he continued. “You know that the bond is still there until we reject each other or if I take a chosen mate, right?”
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
“Well, I told my parents I was going to reject you and take a chosen mate.” He looked at me, his eyes full of guilt and regret. “I brought one of the she-wolves from Luna training with me. I thought she was going to be my chosen mate.”
I felt my heart crack. I’d known, logically, that the blonde girl at the party had meant something to him but hearing him say it out loud—hearing him admit that he’d planned to choose her over me—it hurt more than I’d expected.
“I’m not telling you this to hurt you, Em,” Ryder said quickly, seeing my expression. “I want to be completely honest with you. No more secrets, no more lies.”
I nodded, blinking back tears. “Okay.”
“My parents were not happy,” he continued. “We got into a huge fight, and I left and went to that party with her. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought it was going to be easy to reject you and take a chosen mate so I could be a strong Alpha with a wolf shifter Luna.”
He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was softer.
“But I was wrong. The minute I saw you at that party, I knew I’d made a mistake. Seeing you was like... like I was seeing clearly for the first time since I’d left. I felt the mate bond in full force, but not only that—I also felt my love for you that I’d locked away when I left for training.”
My breath caught. Love. He’d said love.
“I knew in that moment that I’d fucked up,” he said. “I told the she-wolf that I wasn’t going to take her as my chosen mate. She was pissed, understandably, since less than an hour before I’d been telling my parents she was going to be my Luna.”
I remembered seeing them together, seeing him kiss her. “But you kissed her.”
“I did,” he admitted. “Right before I saw you. And the second I pulled away from her, I knew it was wrong. I knew she wasn’t you, could never be you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“I knew I couldn’t show up at your house that night because you’d be pissed,” he continued. “So I waited until the next day, but when I got there, you were already gone. I tried to call you, but your phone was off. Then I found out you’d left for a trip to Europe.”
I had left. I’d run away, just like I’d been running away from him for the past few days.
“I knew I’d fucked up,” Ryder said, “so I made it my mission to help get integration underway and do everything possible to make this world one where it would be safe for you to be my Luna. I worked tirelessly to convince wolf packs to agree to integration and to welcome other species.
I also opened our pack to allow interspecies mating, which has actually helped us a lot because we have the highest numbers of true mated couples now. The only ones that have chosen mates are the ones that have been rejected or have lost their true mate.”
I stared at him. He’d done all of that... for me?
“And yes,” he said, giving me a sheepish look, “I kept tabs on everything you did. I was so happy when you went to school for political science, and when you got accepted as a liaison. When Nate told me he was mated to Nina, I couldn’t be happier because I knew that you were finally coming back.”
He’d been watching me. Keeping track of me. Making sure I was okay.
“So that’s everything,” he said finally. “That’s the whole truth.”
I just stared at him, my mind reeling. It was too much information, too many revelations all at once.
“You’ve been keeping tabs on me?” I asked, and I heard the annoyance in my own voice.
He gave me a sheepish smile. “I had to make sure you were okay. And if you ever needed me, I wanted to be there. But of course, you’ve always been able to take care of yourself.”
I nodded slowly, processing.
“If Nina and Nate didn’t end up together,” I asked, “were you ever going to find me?”
“Of course I was,” he said immediately. “I was going to wait another year or so until my pack was even stronger, but yes. I was always going to come for you, Em.”
The certainty in his voice made my chest ache. “What if I had found someone else?”
He gave me a guilty look.
“What?” I asked, my eyes narrowing.
“Um...” He rubbed the back of his neck. “That wouldn’t have happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“Um... I kind of made sure your relationships never went further than a couple of dates.”
For a moment, I just stared at him, not quite believing what I’d heard. And then the anger hit.
“What the fuck?” I snapped. “You’ve been sabotaging my relationships?”
He had the grace to look guilty. “You’re my mate. You’re mine.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I was furious now, my hands clenched into fists at my sides. “You’re the reason we’re not together right now!”
“I know, Em,” he said quietly. “I fucked up.”
“Damn right you did.”
“The last five years I’ve spent trying to make things better, safer for you to be my mate, my Luna,” he said.
I glared at him. “Yeah, that still doesn’t make it right that you’ve been fucking with my relationships.” I paused, a horrible thought occurring to me. “Did you harm any of them?”
“No,” he said quickly. “Not to say I haven’t wanted to, but I knew I’d have to tell you one day, and I didn’t want you to hate me.”
I nodded, some of my anger deflating. At least he hadn’t hurt anyone.
“So now you know everything,” he said.
“That was a lot to process, Ryder.”
“I know, but I need you to know that I’m all in. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not changing my mind. I want you, Em. Only you.”
I nodded, my throat tight. “I just need time to think.”
“Okay,” he said, and I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
We sat there in silence for a while, the sounds of the reception drifting out to us from inside.
I could hear music, laughter, the clink of glasses.
Nina and Nate were celebrating their new life together, and here I was, sitting on a bench with my mate, trying to figure out if I could forgive him for the past.
The thing was, I understood why he’d done what he’d done. I didn’t agree with it, and I was still angry about it, but I understood. He’d been young and stupid and influenced by people who didn’t have his best interests at heart. He’d made mistakes.
But he’d also spent the last five years trying to make up for those mistakes. He’d changed laws, opened his pack to integration, worked tirelessly to make the world safer for people like me.
He’d done all of that for me.
“Can I kiss you?” Ryder asked quietly.
I looked at him. He was watching me with such hope, such longing, that it made my heart ache.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said, “seeing as all reasoning leaves me whenever we do that.”
He nodded, looking sad, and that expression—that sadness—broke something in me.
I was still pissed at him. I was still hurt. But I also loved him, had always loved him, and seeing him look so defeated made me want to comfort him.
Oh, fuck it, I thought.
I leaned forward and kissed him.
For a moment, he seemed surprised, frozen. But then he kissed me back, his hand coming up to cup my face, and it was like coming home.
The kiss was desperate, hungry, full of five years of longing and regret and love. His lips moved against mine with a urgency that made my head spin, and I found myself pressing closer, needing more.
Ryder’s hands moved to my waist, and then he was pulling me onto his lap so I was straddling him on the bench. I could feel him beneath me, hard and wanting, and I ground down against him without thinking.
He groaned into my mouth, his hands tightening on my hips. “Fuck, baby,” he breathed against my lips. “I want to mate you so bad, but we can’t here.”
I nodded, a little disappointed, but he was right. We were on a bench behind some bushes, but we were still technically at Nina and Nate’s reception. Anyone could walk out here.
Ryder smiled, and there was something wicked in that smile. “We can go upstairs to my apartment if you want?”
I smiled back and nodded, my heart racing.
This was happening. This was really happening.
And for once, I wasn’t going to run away.