Chapter 16
The rest of the afternoon dragged on slowly.
After the tour of town with my parents, T, and Greg, I’d walked my parents back to their room on the fourth floor.
Mom had wanted to rest before dinner—jet lag was catching up with her—and Dad had some work emails to catch up on.
I’d hugged them both, promised to come get them for dinner at six, and then retreated to the apartment Ryder and I shared on the top floor.
Our apartment. The thought still made my heart flutter, even now, even with everything weighing on me.
But Ryder wasn’t there.
I checked my phone. No messages. No missed calls.
I tried to distract myself. I unpacked a few more boxes that had arrived from my apartment in the city—books, mostly, and some framed photos.
I arranged them on the bookshelf in the living room, trying to make the space feel more like ours instead of just his.
But my hands were shaking, and I kept glancing at the door, listening for footsteps in the hallway.
Nothing.
I could still hear that howl echoing in my mind. The raw, broken sound of it. The pain that had radiated through the mate bond before Ryder had shut it down, closing himself off from me completely.
He was hurting. I knew he was hurting. And I hated that I’d been the one to cause it, even if it hadn’t been intentional.
He needed to know, I told myself. He deserved to know the truth.
But that didn’t make it any easier.
By five-thirty, I’d given up on pretending to be productive.
I took a long shower, letting the hot water wash away some of the tension in my shoulders, and then I got dressed for dinner.
Nothing fancy—just jeans and a soft blue sweater that Ryder had said brought out my eyes.
I blow-dried my hair, applied a little makeup to hide the redness around my eyes from the tears I’d shed earlier, and then I went to collect my parents.
Mom opened the door with a bright smile. “There’s my girl! Feeling better?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Much better.”
Dad was sitting on the edge of the bed, his laptop open in front of him. He looked up when I walked in, and his expression softened slightly. “You look tired, sweetheart.”
“Just a long day,” I said, forcing a smile. “Ready for dinner?”
We made our way down to the dining room, and I tried to ignore the knot of anxiety tightening in my chest.
The dining room was already filling up with pack members—dinner was a communal affair here, and everyone ate together unless they had other plans.
It was one of the things I loved about pack life, the sense of community and family.
But tonight, it just felt overwhelming.
Tina and Greg were already seated at one of the large tables near the windows, and they waved us over. I was grateful for their presence—they were a buffer, a distraction from the fact that Ryder still wasn’t here.
“Where’s Ryder?” Tina asked as we sat down, her eyes scanning the room.
“He got pulled into some work,” I said, the lie tasting bitter on my tongue. “He said he’d try to make it, but he wasn’t sure.”
Tina’s brow furrowed slightly, but she didn’t press. Greg, however, gave me a look that said he knew something was off. He didn’t say anything, though, just reached over and squeezed my hand briefly before turning his attention to my parents.
Dinner was a blur of polite conversation and forced smiles.
Mom and Tina talked about the upcoming ceremonies, about travel plans and recipes and all the little details that seemed so important but felt so distant to me right now.
Greg and Dad discussed work—Dad’s consulting business, Greg’s years of managing pack affairs.
I picked at my food, barely tasting it, and tried to contribute to the conversation when someone asked me a direct question.
But my mind was elsewhere.
Where are you, Ryder? I kept thinking to myself.
I could feel the mate bond, that invisible thread connecting us, but it was muted. Distant. Like he was deliberately keeping me at arm’s length, not wanting me to feel what he was feeling.
And that scared me more than anything.
By the time dinner was over, I was exhausted. Not physically—emotionally. The weight of the day, of the conversation in Ryder’s office, of his absence, was pressing down on me like a heavy blanket.
“I think I’m going to head up,” I said, standing and gathering my plate. “I’m pretty tired.”
“Of course, honey,” Mom said, standing to give me a hug. “Get some rest. We’ll see you in the morning.”
Dad hugged me too, and I could feel the concern radiating off him. “If you need anything, we’re just down the hall.”
“I know,” I said, my voice thick. “Thanks, Dad.”
I said goodnight to Tina and Greg, and then I made my way back upstairs. The apartment was still empty, still silent, and the loneliness hit me like a physical blow.
I changed into one of Ryder’s t-shirts—it was huge on me, falling to mid-thigh, and it smelled like him. Pine and earth. I climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin, and stared at the ceiling.
Please come back, I thought, sending the words out into the mate bond even though I wasn’t sure he could hear me. Please be okay.
I must have dozed off at some point, because the next thing I knew, I was jolting awake to the sound of the apartment door opening.
I sat up, my heart pounding, and looked toward the doorway.
Ryder stood there, silhouetted in the dim light from the hallway.
He looked...wrecked. His hair was disheveled, his clothes dirty and torn in places, and there were scratches on his arms and face—evidence of his wolf tearing through the forest.
But it was his eyes that broke me. They were red-rimmed and haunted, filled with a pain so deep it made my chest ache.
“Ryder,” I breathed, throwing off the covers and scrambling out of bed.
He didn’t say anything. He just stood there, staring at me like he wasn’t sure if I was real.
I crossed the room in a few quick steps and wrapped my arms around him, pressing my face against his chest. He was cold, his skin damp from the night air, but I didn’t care. I just held him, trying to pour all my love and reassurance into that embrace.
For a moment, he didn’t move. Then, slowly, his arms came up around me, and he buried his face in my hair.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice raw and broken. “Em, I’m so fucking sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for. For leaving? For what happened five years ago? For everything?
“It’s not okay,” he said, pulling back just enough to look down at me. His hands came up to cup my face, his thumbs brushing away tears I hadn’t realized were falling. “Nothing about this is okay.”
“Ryder—”
“I almost killed you,” he said, and his voice cracked on the words. “Do you understand that? I almost killed you, Em. My mate. The one person in this world I’m supposed to protect, and I almost—” He broke off, shaking his head. “I can’t...I can’t forgive myself for that.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I said firmly, gripping his wrists. “Ryder, you didn’t know. You were just a kid, trying to do what you thought was right—”
“That’s just it,” he said, his voice breaking. “I wasn’t trying to do what was right. I was being a coward. I was letting other people tell me what to think, what to want.”
I held onto him, trying to give him some comfort, “Ryder—”
He pulled away from me slightly, running his hands through his hair in agitation.
“When I left for Alpha training, I thought I had it all figured out. But being there without you and all those shifters made me doubt us. Being the ignorant fool that I was, I believe everything they told me.”
His jaw clenched. “But they were also anti-human. They believed that humans were weak, that they would dilute pack bloodlines, that they had no place in our world.”
My stomach dropped. “Ryder—”
“And I listened to them,” he said, his voice thick with self-loathing.
“I panicked. Because all I could hear were their voices in my head, telling me that a human mate would make me weak. That I’d be a laughingstock among the packs. That I’d be betraying my wolf, my pack, everything I was supposed to be.”
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. “So you...you tried to reject me because I was human?”
“Yes,” he said, and the word came out like a confession. “I was weak enough to let their prejudice become mine. Because I let them convince me that you—my mate, the other half of my soul—weren’t good enough.”
Tears were streaming down my face now, but they weren’t just tears of sadness.
They were tears of anger, of betrayal, of hurt so deep it felt like it was tearing me apart.
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together.
“You have no idea what that did to me. What it felt like to lose you and not even understand why.”
“I know,” he whispered. “And that’s what I can’t forgive myself for. Not just that I hurt you, but that I hurt you for the worst possible reason. Because I let other people’s hatred and fear control me instead of trusting what the Moon Goddess gave us. Instead of trusting you.”
“But it doesn’t change what happened,” he said.
“It doesn’t change the fact that you were so broken, so desperate, that you tried to—” He couldn’t finish the sentence.
He just pulled me against him again, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe.
“I can’t lose you, Em. I can’t. You’re everything to me.”
“You’re not going to lose me,” I said, my voice muffled against his chest. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
We stood there for a long time, just holding each other.
I could feel his heart pounding against my cheek, could feel the tremors running through his body as he tried to hold himself together.
And through the mate bond, I could feel his emotions—the guilt, the regret, the overwhelming love he had for me.
It was almost too much.
Finally, he pulled back and looked down at me. His eyes were still haunted, but there was something else there too. Determination. Resolve.
“I need to say something to you,” he said quietly.
I nodded, waiting.
He took a deep breath, and then he sank down to his knees in front of me.
My breath caught. “Ryder, what are you—”
“Just let me say this,” he said, taking my hands in his.
His grip was firm but gentle, and his eyes never left mine.
His voice thick with emotion, “I hurt you in ways I can never take back. I caused you so much pain that you...that you didn’t want to live anymore. And that—” His voice broke, and he had to pause to collect himself.
“That is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Knowing that I, your mate, the one person who is supposed to love and protect you above all else, caused you that much suffering...it goes against everything the mate bond stands for.”
I nodded, unable to speak past the lump in my throat. Tears were streaming down my face now, but I didn’t try to wipe them away. I just listened.
He looked up at me, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
“As I kneel before you, Emily Reed, I promise you that I will spend the rest of our lives showing you how important you are to me and how much I love you. You are my other half, my soulmate, and I will spend forever loving you and cherishing you. I promise I will never leave you again.
I will always be by your side, and I will fight for you every day and show you that I am worthy of your love.”
The tears were falling freely again, and I couldn’t hold them back. I pulled my hands from his and cupped his face, feeling the roughness of his stubble against my palms.
“I love you, Ryder Black,” I said, my voice trembling. “I love you so much it scares me sometimes. And I forgive you. For all of it. Because I know—I know—that you would never hurt me intentionally. And I know that you’re going to spend the rest of our lives proving that to me.”
He let out a shaky breath, and then he surged up and kissed me.
It wasn’t like our other kisses. This was different. This was soft and tender and filled with so much love it made my chest ache. It was a promise, a vow, a declaration of everything we meant to each other.
When we finally pulled apart, we were both breathing hard, and Ryder rested his forehead against mine.
“Let me love you,” he whispered. “Please, Em. Let me show you.”
I nodded, unable to form words, and he stood, lifting me into his arms like I weighed nothing. He carried me to the bed and laid me down gently, his eyes never leaving mine.
Then, slowly, reverently, he began to undress me.
He pulled off my—his—t-shirt, his hands skimming over my skin with a tenderness that made my breath hitch. He kissed my shoulder, my collarbone, the hollow of my throat, taking his time, worshipping every inch of me like I was something precious.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured against my skin. “So perfect.”
I reached for him, tugging at his shirt, and he helped me pull it off. His chest was covered in scratches and bruises from his time in the woods, and I traced them gently with my fingers.
“Does it hurt?” I asked softly.
“No,” he said, catching my hand and pressing a kiss to my palm. “Nothing hurts when I’m with you.”
He kissed me again, and this time, there was more heat behind it. But it was still slow, still tender, like he was savoring every moment. His hands moved over my body, learning every curve, every dip, every place that made me gasp and arch into his touch.
When he finally settled between my thighs, his eyes locked on mine, and I could see everything he was feeling written across his face. Love. Devotion. Regret. Hope.
“I love you,” he said, his voice rough. “I love you so much, Em.”
“I love you too,” I whispered, reaching up to cup his face. “Now show me.”
He entered me slowly, carefully, like he was afraid I might break. And maybe I was fragile right now, after everything that had happened today. But I wasn’t broken. Not anymore. Not with him.
We moved together, slow and steady, our bodies finding a rhythm that felt like coming home. He kissed me through it all—my lips, my neck, my shoulders—and whispered words of love and devotion against my skin.
I could feel the mate bond strengthening with every touch, every kiss, every whispered word. It was like a golden thread weaving us together, binding us in ways that went beyond the physical.
When we finally came together, it was with a shared gasp, our bodies trembling as the pleasure washed over us. Ryder collapsed beside me, pulling me against his chest, and I could feel his heart pounding in time with mine.
“I love you,” he whispered into my hair, his voice thick with emotion. “I love you, my beautiful mate.”
I smiled, feeling the exhaustion of the day finally catching up with me. “I love you too.”
He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, and I felt him relax, his breathing evening out as sleep began to claim him.
I closed my eyes, feeling safe and loved and whole in a way I hadn’t felt in years.
And as I drifted off to sleep, my last thought was simple:
This is where I belong.