Chapter 30 Lucien
THIRTY
Lucien
Iwas so fucking ashamed of myself, I couldn’t breathe.
Last night, I’d collapsed in front of the whole pack again, and then to top it all off, I’d walked away and left my hurting mate alone on the floor. Then I followed the traces of Samuel’s scent down the hallway and asked him to let me stay with him, hiding from my mate with my tail between my legs.
Samuel was a better man than I because he didn’t even hesitate, just waved me inside without judgment. I deserved to be judged.
I was no better than the shitty father who’d haunted my nightmares last night, and that fact didn’t sit well with me. At all.
My father was an abusive bastard, and I’d spent most of my younger years swearing I’d never be like him. When he’d died, I hadn’t been sad.
And here I was, staring into a magically sparkling bathroom mirror with a gaudy purple frame, white-knuckle gripping the sink, dealing with the fact that I’d left my mate on the floor last night, crying.
The number of times I’d picked my mother off the floor looking just like that as a teen? Too many to count.
Granted, Olivia hadn’t been down there because I’d hit her—I would never lay a finger on her that she didn’t enjoy, and that I’d lost control and hurt her once, even by accident, would haunt me forever—but the look she’d given me as I walked away?
Déjà vu. She wore my mother’s expression, the one painfully seared into my adolescent brain, and I was sick with it.
I hung my head, resisting the urge to roar out my disgust with myself. But if I did that, everyone would assume I’d gone off the deep end and attacked Samuel again, then bust down the door to separate us.
Because I was a risk. To Olivia, obviously. But to the whole damn pack too. Not only a risk—a fucking liability. Damaged.
When I first saw it, I thought the hideous scar on my face was the worst thing that could possibly come from my capture and torture. Fuck, the desire for revenge still burned like acid in my veins about that. But little did I know, it would open the door for me to hurt my mate.
All the anger, all the worry, all the shame built and built in my chest until it was a burning ball of desire for one single thing.
Revenge.
I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to slay the fuckers who did this to me. And I knew in my bones I wouldn’t be happy again until their lifeblood ran between my fingers.
But what about Olivia? What happens to her when I go on a murderous rampage to get my revenge?
I didn’t know, and it froze the air in my lungs, pulling me out of my burning frenzy just as swiftly as being dunked in a tank full of ice water.
My little hellcat. She trusted me, and I’d let her down again. She was better off without my shit, I knew that. But would she let me go? Could I bear to leave her after tasting her sweetness?
No, no, I could not. And damn if she wasn’t faithful, loyal. She seemed so shy, she’d fooled me at first. I thought that shy meant weak, but it didn’t. She was the strongest person I knew, because where others broke, she bent.
She yielded, but she didn’t let go. Her strength looked different from mine, but it was still strength.
There were plenty of ugly bastards in the world. The fact that I’d joined their numbers hurt no one but me.
Me being unhinged, with the full strength of an alpha wolf shifter?
Shit.
I could hurt people. Expose our secret to the world. My life would be forfeit, but would it even matter to me by the time I lost that much control?
That was a line I couldn’t cross. And until I knew I wouldn’t cross it ever again, knew that I had complete control over myself and my wolf, I had to keep my distance from Olivia.
I exhaled, the force of it lightly steaming the mirror, obscuring my scar. Almost as if I could pretend it wasn’t there, like none of this had ever happened.
But it had. And I was at a crossroads. But there was only one decision I could make to keep her safe until I got my shit under control.
“Hey, Lucien, we’re about to head out and start looking for goblins. You coming?”
I turned away from the mirror, toward Samuel’s voice.
“Yeah, I’m coming.” I swiped a hand through my unkempt hair and yanked the door open. “Where to first?”
Samuel and I paired up with Kane and Gael, while Reed, Fiona, Elodie, and Olivia formed the second team. Brielle, Galyna, and Leigh stayed in the house so that Brielle had the maximum amount of warding at all times.
It wasn’t a perfect solution, but at this point, I didn’t think there was one. I knew Olivia’s group all loved her and would protect her, but that didn’t stop the galling sensation that it should be me protecting her.
I couldn’t, though. I had to sort out my own shit first.
The sad smile she gave me as the four of them left was burned into my brain, accusing me of being a shitty mate even though she hadn’t said a word.
I’d asked for space, and she’d given it. Didn’t mean I liked it, though.
“Is your head in the game?” Samuel’s quiet question as the other two kissed their mates goodbye made me grind my back teeth. But it was fair. He let me crash; he earned a question.
“Yes. I’m fine.”
He grunted, shooting me an incredulous look, but thankfully kept his opinions to himself.
The second Kane and Gael were ready, we strode out of the house and hit the sidewalk. Olivia’s team had taken an SUV out to the nearest nature preserve because that seemed like the most logical place for goblins to hide in plain sight.
We were staying closer to the safe house, just in case the ODL showed up. So we were on foot, looking for any other supes who could point us toward some local goblin hangouts.
Four alpha wolves stalking down the sidewalk together weren’t exactly inconspicuous, even in human form in neutral clothing, so we split up, Samuel and Kane heading left, while Gael and I went right.
Gael and I walked in silence for half an hour, nothing piquing our interest or our noses.
It was nice to move, though. Space. I’d wanted it. Now I had it, and it turned out being alone with my own thoughts wasn’t great either.
Shocker.
“You wanna talk about it?” Gael eventually said as we turned down a side street with more houses squeezed closer together, his bored tone letting me know he wasn’t thrilled about the idea. “You’re brooding so loud, it’s offensive.”
“I haven’t said a word.”
“Yeah, loudly.”
I snorted. I wasn’t exactly close to Gael, but we had a mutual respect for each other. Was I missing an opportunity to get some perspective?
“You and Leigh had a rough time figuring things out.” It wasn’t a question, but I was at a loss for how to ask for help. Alphas didn’t do that very often.
It was his turn to snort and shoot me an incredulous look. “You could say that. For a while there, I was pretty sure she was going to gut me with a rusty spoon.”
Oddly, that made me feel better. “Good to know.”
“Olivia doesn’t seem like the type, though. She’s a good egg. Which means you’re the one fucking it up.”
Right to the point.
“Yeah, I am.”
The residential neighborhood was slowly turning commercial around us as we walked, cars whizzing by at faster speeds and more people out and about in business attire, darting into shops to complete a midmorning errand or grab a bagel sandwich.
“You going to elaborate?”
“I don’t know what to tell you that you haven’t seen me screw up firsthand.
I keep messing up. We get a little better, take a step closer, then I fuck up again.
” I paused at the doorway of a paranormal shop, discreetly sniffing the air to see if there was any actual magic inside.
Nope. I started walking again, and Gael stuck to my side. “She’d be better off without me, man.”
He slapped a hand on my biceps, stopping me in my tracks.
“Cut that shit out. This is the most pity-partying bullshit I’ve ever heard.
Do you know how many males out there would kill for a mate?
A fuck ton. And here you are with a good one, head so far up your own ass, you can’t figure out how to lock things down before she wises up.
Now listen—I’m not one to judge. Our path was rocky, but we didn’t have it as good as you do. ”
I laughed bitterly, shaking my head. “You’re insane if you think we’ve got it good.”
“You’ve got mate marks. I spent months wanting Leigh, with not a damn sign that it was anything other than my imagination that she was mine.
Then she got pregnant without a heat and still had fuck all to do with me.
So you can take your self-pity and stuff it up your ass. I’m serious. You’ve got it good.”
He turned and stormed down the sidewalk, picking up the pace so I had to jog to catch him like a bad rom-com hero.
“Look, I wasn’t trying to insult you. You asked,” I muttered a few minutes later, when the worst of his annoyance seemed to have faded. “Okay, that was an eye roll that Leigh would have been proud of, but I’m serious. Mate marks aren’t the end-all, be-all.”
“They could be. They’re literally a sign from the Goddess herself.”
I chewed on that for a few minutes, until Gael stopped, sniffing the air and pointing across the street. “You hungry? I could eat a horse. That one looks tasty.” He pointed his thumb at a police horse down the street.
A woman walking the other way in a Toronto is for Vegans T-shirt shot us a dirty look at that.
Pretty sure she mumbled something about crass Americans under her breath as she walked away.
Joke was on her: we weren’t Americans. And also, horse meat didn’t taste good to a wolf. Mine preferred mutton, usually.
“Apparently, you’ve lost your native accent.” I gave Gael a smartass grin, and he cussed me out in fluent Castilian Spanish as we crossed the road to the Chinese restaurant.
Four whole Peking ducks later, we hit the streets again. We passed a whole day searching fruitlessly for any sign of goblins, but still I couldn’t get what he’d said off my mind.
When my head hit the pillow in Samuel’s spare bed that night, the question remained.
Could it really be that simple?