Chapter 32 Lucien
THIRTY-TWO
Lucien
Ifinally drew up the courage to look at Olivia again, after pouring out the ugly truth of my past. Her cheeks were tearstained, her beautiful green eyes damp with more unshed tears.
“Don’t cry, hellcat. I’ve done enough to you. You don’t need to cry for me.”
She shook her head, biting that sweet bottom lip. I tugged it free gently, soothing it over with the pad of my thumb.
“You’re not done yet,” she said, shocking me.
I’d told her every ugly detail. What was left to say?
I was broken, toxic, grown from bad seed.
“That is all horrible. And I’m so incredibly sorry you went through that.
But why does that mean you have to push me away?
Because the one time you scratched me, that was an accident.
That is not the same as intentionally abusing your wife and children for years. ”
I looked away again, unable to meet her gaze. Her beautiful, demanding gaze.
“Olivia, I—”
“Hellcat. My name is hellcat to you.”
A ghostly wisp of joy filled me at her fire.
“Hellcat,” I amended, squeezing her a little tighter, even though I was an ass for doing it.
“I’m unstable. I’ve already hurt you once, and yes, it was an accident.
But I’m not some well-adjusted mate ready to sweep you off your feet and give you the world.
I’m angry. I want revenge. I can’t go down that path and not hurt you.
And my wolf? Fuck. Everything I touch is broken.
Even the one thing a shifter takes for granted: a bond with their wolf.
That may never get fixed. But there’s one good decision that I can make right now, and that’s to keep you safe, the way I couldn’t keep Lilly safe.
You reminded me of her, the day I first saw you.
You don’t look alike, but there’s this goodness inside you that shines through. ”
She was already shaking her head, holding me at arm’s length so she could stare me down when I tried to cup her cheek.
“I don’t accept that. I don’t accept this absurd idea that you’re going to break me.
I’m tougher than I look. And your past doesn’t have to define you.
What your father did isn’t your responsibility.
You were a better man than him even at nineteen.
You stayed, you protected the ones you loved.
He wasn’t one hundredth the man you are.
And your sister’s death was not your fault. ”
“If I’d protected them, they’d still be alive.”
There it was, my ultimate wound. The wound that never healed, no matter how many centuries passed. No matter how much I drank, how much pussy I chased.
I was a failure. A devil, doomed from the start.
You might look like an angel, but you ruin everything you touch. You’re no angel. You’re a devil in an angel’s disguise.
I closed my eyes as my father’s voice echoed in my head, as crisp as if he stood at my side, looking down his nose at me right now.
There was no way I was going to lose my hellcat the way I’d lost my mother and sister.
I could feel it, the ghostly weight of Olivia’s body, limp in my arms, just like Lilliana’s.
I could never let that future come to pass.
“Does that mean you’re going to send me away?
I told you before, and I meant it: I’m not leaving unless you tell me it’s over.
That you don’t want me. When you look me in the eye and say you don’t feel for me what I feel for you.
That’s what it’s going to take, Lucien. And I’m not stepping aside for anything less. ”
I should. I should send her away, where she’d be safe.
“I can’t do that. I’m not strong enough. I am going straight to the nine hells, but I’m too selfish to send you away, even if I can’t have a bond with you.”
One look, one hungry, desperate look, and then our lips crashed together, a wave of longing washing the pain away, just for a moment. I tangled my fingers in her silky hair and lost myself in the taste of her lips.
She was my angel, and I was her devil.
Maybe that was how it was always meant to be.
I backed her up to the nearest tree, cushioning the back of her head with a hand as I pressed in closer, lining us up perfectly as she ground her hips against mine.
I was dying for another taste of her, and I didn’t give a fuck if we were in the middle of the woods in broad daylight, I had to have her. Right here, right now. One last time.
But Olivia froze beneath me, frantic grasping turning to shoving, making me stagger back a step.
Good. She was coming to her senses.
Fresh pain lanced through my chest, but I welcomed it. I deserved it.
“Do you hear that?” she asked, fingers still twisted in the front of my T-shirt.
“Hear what?”
“Shh, listen.” She pointed to her ear, then away into the forest.
Crunching underbrush.
We aren’t alone.
I quickly pulled Olivia behind me, calling on my wolf for sharpened vision and hearing. He obliged begrudgingly to protect her. Within seconds, I’d pinpointed where the sounds were coming from. But when the two culprits walked into sight, my breath caught in my chest.
“Goblins,” I whispered, low enough I knew the noisy pair wouldn’t have heard me over the sound of their own crunching footsteps.
Olivia gripped the back of my shirt, her excitement palpable even as she remained still and silent.
They were short, probably around two and a half to three feet tall, with pale green skin and bright purple eyes.
Darker green shocks of hair stuck out in many directions from their heads, and they conversed freely in Goble, their native language.
Their clothes were ragged, seemingly handmade from scraps.
The one on the left had a big red heart from an “I heart New York” T-shirt patched onto the seat of his—her? —pants.
Before I could decide what to do next, Olivia was past my shoulder, walking as noisily as she could in their general direction.
“Hellcat! What are you doing?” I hissed, forced to jump into motion to keep up with her.
“I’m alerting them to our presence in a nonthreatening way,” she paused just long enough to whisper, then began to talk loudly as she walked again.
“This is such a beautiful area! I can’t believe nobody lives here. Do you think we could settle near here, babe?”
Ahh. Casual approach. She elbowed me in the ribs when I didn’t answer fast enough to suit her.
“I— Uh, sure. If that’s what you want, babe.”
An alarmed squeak came from the smaller goblin as it tugged on its friend’s sleeve and wildly gestured in our direction as they exchanged rapid-fire Goble.
I knew only a few pleasantries, and that was when it was spoken at a stately, dignified pace.
This exchange was nothing one would call dignified.
Olivia giggled, and the sound lifted my spirits. “Excellent. I can definitely see us raising a whole litter of pups out here! So much green space for them to explore.” She threw her arms wide and spun, the very picture of a carefree woman, and my heart ached at the fact that it was fake.
Fuck, I wanted the joy to be real. Just once in my life, I wanted the joy to be real.
We continued chatting about our fake moving plans as we slowly worked our way toward the pair, until finally, they had a decision to make.
The taller of the two stepped out from behind a bush, stopping us in our tracks. He—I could see now the small patches of facial hair that hadn’t been visible at a distance—puffed out his chest, lifting his chin as he stared up at us.
“You cannot move here and raise your pups. This land is formally claimed by our goblin clan. Please leave.”
Olivia wore a wide smile as she crouched down to be closer to his eye level.
“Oh, my! Well, I am so sorry to intrude. My name is Olivia, and this is my mate, Lucien.” She extended a hand, which the young—he was an adolescent, if I had to guess—goblin shook seriously.
“Goblin clan, you say? Why, that sounds exciting! A few of our pack mates are also visiting the area, and since the land is already claimed, we will respect that and not encroach. But it is customary that the leaders meet if they’re in the same area.
Perhaps we could set something up between our pack alpha and your leader? ”
“I am Tork, a scavenger for the clan. This is Wheelie, my girlfriend.” He cast an appreciative glance over at the smaller female, who met it with a glare that clearly contradicted his assertion.
She cut in front of him, extending her own hand for Olivia to shake, which she did. “I am Wheelie, scavenger for my clan and a free woman.” I nearly passed out when she turned her attention on me and winked, throwing in a salacious hip wiggle, even though I was three times her size.
“Well, it’s been lovely to meet you both. If we wanted to bring our Alpha and pack mates back to meet you, where should we go? Oh, and when would your clan be open to receiving visitors?”
Tork and Wheelie broke into a verbal tussle in Goble, which Wheelie clearly won.
“You can return this evening. Seven o’human clock, two miles east of the visitor center. There’s a footpath, but we will come and meet you,” she said brightly, giving a little bow to each of us. “For now, we must go tell our clan to prepare a feast, for there are visitors!”
At that, they bolted, still arguing loudly as they zipped through the underbrush with speed, if not stealth.
“That just happened, right? We found them, and I’m not imagining it?” Olivia asked as she straightened, beaming up at me.
“Right. Looks like we better head back and make a call. We’ve got plans to make and goblins to befriend.”
We hiked almost back to the trailhead in contemplative silence, me leading the way to make it a little easier for my smaller mate coming behind me through the brush.
Her hand on my arm stopped me in my tracks.
“We didn’t get to finish our conversation earlier, and I’ve been thinking this entire walk about what to say, because I don’t want to belittle your feelings or any of the trauma you’ve been through. But…”
Tension I’d never experienced before radiated through my limbs as I waited for her to finish that one thought. “But?”
“I’m not scared of you. I don’t think you’re going to hurt me. I can handle your darkness if you’ll give me a chance. But it’s up to you. You’ve asked me if I trusted you, but now it’s your turn to decide. Do you trust me?”
Her eyes shone in the soft afternoon light as she stared up at me.
It felt like she could see into my soul without even trying.
I ran a hand over her hair—she’d styled it in a thick, loose braid today, which was draped over one shoulder—tracing it down to the ends, which I twirled between my fingers as I thought.
She was right. I had asked her to trust me, over and over again. But was I returning that trust?
All I knew was that in the time I’d known her, she’d never once judged me or given me any reason to doubt her. But as a child of abuse, I didn’t trust easily. I rarely trusted anyone besides my Alpha or maybe one or two pack mates.
But my little hellcat…
“Yes, I do.”
She chuckled, swaying toward me and placing her small hand on my chest, which I felt like a brand through my shirt. “Why do you sound so surprised by that, you goose?”
“Because I am.”