Chapter 26 - Blair
Asmodeus told me that he had never celebrated Christmas with anyone before.
I insisted on doing something special for him.
Christmas was one of my favorite holidays.
My family and I would always give each other handmade gifts, decorate the tree together that we went out to cut, and make a meal together.
We made homemade ornaments, strung up popcorn, and hung lights all over the house.
My mother always made ham with sweet potatoes and green beans.
It’s been over four years since I had a Christmas with my family. Keeping these traditions alive by doing them with the family I was starting with Asmodeus, which sounded like the perfect idea to keep their memories alive.
I had celebrated Christmas with Heath when we were together, but it was always simple.
I would go over to his family’s house with him for Christmas dinner, and we would exchange gifts between the two of us on Christmas morning.
His family wasn’t the most welcoming either; they seemed a bit cold and distant.
Because it had been only a year or two after my parents’ death, I had a difficult time celebrating Christmas or any holiday.
It would always fill me with despair, spending half my time crying and the other half stuck in the past, remembering everything about them and the things I missed.
I found out this week that I was pregnant.
It made this Christmas all the more special.
The first person I thought to tell when I found out was my mom.
The pain of losing them had started to subside a little, instead of a gaping wound; it was a small ache that lived inside my chest. The realization that they would be missing out on much of my life and future had me bawling my eyes out for god knows how long.
The closer it had gotten to the holidays, the more worked up and upset I seemed to get.
At one point Asmodeus stopped asking me what was wrong.
He took the initiative to give me the comfort, love, and reassurance that I needed without me even having to ask.
How could I explain to him how difficult this was?
He wouldn’t understand. All of his family was still alive.
It had gotten bad to the point I couldn’t get off the couch or bathe. “Hey little one, are you doing okay?” he murmured as he pushed my hair off my head, brushing his lips against my forehead. Shaking my head no because I really wasn’t, and I didn’t have it in me to speak.
“I’m sure this is a really rough time for you.
I couldn’t imagine being in your position right now.
You must feel lonely. I’ll always be here for you and support you in whatever way you need.
” His words are a soothing balm to my soul, sniffling and crying as I lay curled up on the couch with a fuzzy blanket.
“I know you’re spiraling right now, but you need to get clean and you need some food.
It’s not good for the baby or for you. Let’s get you in the shower and then I’ll make you some food.
If you want, you can wear my favorite hoodie I know you love.
” I nod my head in agreement, letting him help me off the couch.
“I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass. I don’t know how you deal with me,” I sob as he walks me up the stairs into our bedroom.
“Because you’re MY pain in the ass,” he jokes.
“Not funny,” I mumble.
“You honestly have nothing to apologize for here. You lost your parents, Blair. Yes it may have been over four years ago, but I know grief and loss don’t care about years.
Sometimes it hits you out of nowhere, and that’s normal.
I could completely get how not having your mom around while you’re pregnant would be extremely hard on you.
From what you have told me, I know she would have been here for you every step of the way.
I’m sorry you don’t get to have that experience.
It’s normal to grieve for the things you will never have that you could have if they weren’t stolen from you.
” Somehow, my clothes are now off and on the ground, the bathroom steaming up from the hot water billowing out of the shower head.
I look up at him, concern and understanding written all over his face. “I love you. You always seem to know what to say,” I whisper, stepping into the shower. The hot water relaxes the tension in my body. Asmodeus gets right behind me.
“I love you too, Blair. And I wouldn’t say that.
I just know and pay attention to you. I promise we will make this Christmas special and create traditions that your parents would love.
Our baby may not ever get the chance to meet them, but at least we can bring their values and traditions into our life, keeping their memories alive.
” He scrubs my head with shampoo as I let his words sink in.
Keep their memory alive, I really like the sound of that.
As much as it breaks my heart that our baby will never know their grandparents, Asmodeus is right and this is the only thing we can do.
His loving touch and tender care heals a part of me I thought was always going to be broken. I know the pain will never go away, but at least I have a family now of my own to create new memories. My mother wouldn’t want me stuck in the past; she would want me to live my life and move forward.
After Asmodeus finished cleaning me off and rinsing off my body, he grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the shower, using a warm, fluffy towel to dry me off.
I loved the gentle way he took care of me.
Not only my body, but also my heart and soul.
It was kind of funny and ironic seeing that he had such a big heart for being a demon.
“You know.. You’re awfully sweet for being a demon.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” he huffs in mock offense, even though he is smiling.
“Has someone said that demons can’t have a heart?
Are we supposed to be soulless and cruel beings?
!” I lift my arms as he pulls one of his hoodies over my head, covering me down to my thighs.
I pull the fabric up to sniff, his scent saturating the garment.
Even though he can’t see it, he makes me smile with his words.
“Yeah, pretty much! That’s exactly how demons are portrayed.
It’s a good thing you aren’t. I love how caring and thoughtful you are.
Please don’t change.” Admitting how much I appreciate him.
He bends down and gives me a peck on the lips.
“I promise. It’s all because of you. I found my heart. Now let’s go get you and the baby some food.” My stomach growled right after he said that, almost proving his point that he was right. Busting out laughing, I follow him to the kitchen, where he makes me lunch.
After that moment, I promised myself that this year was going to be different.
We were going all out this year, and the first step was to find a Christmas tree farm where we could go and cut down our own tree.
When Asmodeus asked me about how my family celebrated Christmas when I was younger, I was able to show him pictures my mother or father took of the three of us.
When I explained that it was a tradition of ours to go to a Christmas tree farm and get a real Christmas tree, he was absolutely on board with us getting one.
When I had done the research, I was amazed to learn how many farms there were in Connecticut.
There was one that stood out to me the most. It was named Maple Lane Farms, which was about one hour away from us.
It had a similar name to the tree farm my family and I went to when I was younger, Velvet Lane Farms. I remember going there every year until they shut down when I was 21.
It was always smart not to get the tree too early or else it would be dead come Christmas.
We decided to go the second weekend in December to ensure the tree would still be alive and looking nice on Christmas day.
Being around the holiday season made me think of Heath. He was the last one I celebrated with, and I wondered how he was doing. I haven’t texted him in a while, but I missed him; something suddenly had me worrying about him, taking out my phone to text him.
Me: Hey Heath! I know I haven't talked to you lately, but wanted to see how you were doing. I was overthinking like usual, and my head thought it would be weird to text you. Thinking you might want some space.
Heath: Hi Blair. I'm doing okay. I actually have some things that are changing in my life, so we will see how that goes. You don't have to give me space, I'm always here for you as a friend.
Me: I have some big news to share.
Heath: What's that?
Me: Well I'm pregnant! But also I have someone in my life now. I think you would like them.
Heath: Congrats! I'm happy for you. Hope I can meet them soon.
Me: Me too. I miss you and I hope you have a happy holiday!