Chapter 11
Chapter
Eleven
Damn it, she was crying.
Sobbing.
Dragon froze, his confidence floundering. If Cassandra had come out here to her special place to cry, it would stand to reason that she’d want to be alone. Maybe he should leave, head back to the house, and try to talk to her another time.
He’d already turned and taken a few steps in the direction he’d just come when he realized he was running all over again. It was cowardice, pure and simple to never fight for Cassandra to stay. Now he was doing it again. Finding any excuse to delay a conversation he knew had to happen.
Do you want to lose her for good?
The question flitted through his mind with a mocking tone.
It was daring him not just to admit that he didn't want to lose Cassandra from his life, but that he wanted an actual life with her. Wanted to find a way to become someone who wouldn't hurt her, who could maybe even cherish her. He had no idea how to be that person, but the more time he spent in Cassandra’s presence, the more he couldn’t lie to himself about it anymore.
He wanted to figure out how to be what she deserved.
Which meant he couldn’t give in to the urge to run and hide. Not this time.
Resolutely, Dragon turned once again and stepped out of the trees, alerting Cassandra to his presence.
He knew the exact second she saw him because she choked on a sob, and he thought she was going to quickly stuff her feelings down, wipe away her tears, maybe offer him a small chuckle, or at least some words to convince him that she was okay.
But she wasn't okay.
Not even close.
Only this time, Cassandra didn't try to stop her tears or offer him a smile, their gazes met, and she held his, allowing tears to continue to flood down her cheeks.
Those tears did something to him, tore something wide open inside his chest. A rush of emotions he could identify but wasn't sure he’d ever experienced before came flooding out.
Tenderness, affection, softness, a desire to go over there and wrap her in his arms, kiss away those tears, then hold her on his lap so she would know she wasn't facing the uncertainties of the world all alone.
Still holding her gaze, Dragon closed the small distance between them. Instead of pulling Cassandra into his lap, he sat on the rock beside her, close enough that their bodies touched, and he soaked up the feel of her against him.
“I never told you this before, but this was where I always used to come when I needed to be alone, but also needed the grounding of nature around me,” he admitted.
Growing up in a mafia family, there was no time to play or enjoy the beauty of the grounds surrounding the family home.
Besides schoolwork, he was expected to learn the family businesses, shadow his father, and work out in the gym.
There had been no time for his caged soul to fly free, not until he moved out there and had the freedom to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to do it.
“This is your special spot, too?” Cassandra asked, lifting a mittened hand to brush away her tears.
Snapping out a hand, his fingers circled her wrist before she could get the moisture on her gloves. In the cold temperatures, that small amount of moisture would freeze into icy little crystals, making her hands too cold.
Her surprised eyes stared at the fingers gently holding her wrist, then his other hand as it reached out to capture her tears.
Like it was mesmerized, her gaze didn't break away as he brought his fingers, covered in her tears, to his lips.
If he could take her pain that easily he would in a heartbeat.
What was more pain and suffering when it was all he’d ever known?
Cassandra was pure, she was innocent, she was light. Anything that dared to touch her made him want to tear the entire world down to punish it.
“My special spot,” he agreed as he kept his hold on her, only letting his fingers slide down to hold hers rather than her wrist.
“I never knew that, you never told me.”
“Never told anyone.” The guys all had their spots around the house and grounds that they escaped to when the raging fire inside them got too big to handle and they needed to disconnect and get themselves back under control.
It was in the first weeks of living there that he’d found this small waterfall.
In those earlier days, he’d struggled to tame his anger in a way the guys hadn't.
They might not have all lived perfect lives before they joined the military, but none of them had been raised to be the head of a mafia family.
None of them had their childhoods stolen from them, and the resulting seed of anger long since planted.
Finding Cassandra at the spot where he sat when he needed to calm himself filled him with a sort of pride he hadn't been expecting. It was almost like she’d sought it out because it was his, even though he knew she couldn’t smell his scent there the same way he could smell the lingering scent that marked this place as his.
“We signed up for Dr. Gardner’s program willingly,” he told her. She knew bits and pieces about what had happened to his team, but he no longer wanted to keep the rest of it from her. If they were going to have a chance at being … something … then he didn't want anything between them.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened. I know I'm not part of this, part of you. You were right when you said what I thought didn't matter, that it wasn't relevant.”
“Actually,” he said the word slowly, but he hadn't been so certain of anything for a long time.
“You matter more than I was ready to admit. I want to tell you, Cassandra, if you want to hear.” For once, Dragon didn't fight against the moment of uncertainty that nudged inside him, urging him to retreat.
“I want to hear.” Her fingers squeezed around his and held on, giving him the strength he needed.
“Back then, we were young, arrogant, and enticed by the idea of being the best of the best. We didn't know Dr. Gardner’s name, he was just Doctor. I was excited when we got those first shots. I wanted to have enhanced skills, it was a heady rush to know we’d be unbeatable.”
“When did things change?”
“It wasn't long until we all started experiencing uncontrollable rage, followed by suicidal thoughts.”
Cassandra gasped, her fingers tightening almost convulsively around his. Wanting to soothe her, Dragon began to rub small circles across her knuckles. This desire to calm someone else was new to him, but he didn't fight against it.
He was done fighting against what he wanted.
“None of us gave in to it, little rabbit,” he reminded her, even though she knew that they were all alive and well.
“We discussed it amongst ourselves, the possibility that we should back out, but Dr. Gardner convinced us it would pass. We believed him, continued with the treatments, but it only got worse. When Dr. Gardner told us he’d figured out what had gone wrong and how to undo it, we all offered ourselves up like lambs to the slaughter. ”
“What did he do?” Cassandra whispered.
“He sedated us. When we woke up, we were all naked and locked inside a bulletproof glass cage. There were beds, and a table and chairs, but nothing else. He had put shock collars on us to control us, although he only let us out a handful of times. We were like his own personal kill squad, completely at his mercy.”
“How long?”
“Three years.”
“Dragon,” she murmured, pain in her tone, and she pressed closer against him. “I'm so sorry. How did you get away?”
“New guy messed up, he didn't lock the door. We got out, killed everyone there, waited for Dr. Gardner to return, but he never came back. After a few weeks, we left the facility, stayed on the run for the next year before we chanced making contact with Eagle. He brought us in, set us up here, and gave us jobs. We owe him everything. He even found us the name of the doctor who had played God with our lives.”
“Rose’s brother.”
“Rose’s brother. We couldn’t get a lead on him. Wherever he’s hidden himself away, he’s off the grid. Nothing in his name, nothing to trace.”
“That’s why you decided to use Rose.”
“It felt like the only thing to do if we wanted to stand a chance at getting to her brother.”
“I didn't—”
“Don’t,” he cut off whatever excuse or apology she was going to give. “You were right, Cassandra. We shouldn’t have gone after Rose. It was wrong. She was an innocent, and going after her proved we were the monsters we’d fought for so many years not to become.”
Pausing, he drew in a breath. He’d come this far, there was no point in backing out now.
“It’s not just what was done to me that turned me into a monster,” he admitted.
“You're not a monster, Dragon.”
Holding a finger to her lips, he gently shushed her.
“I know what I am, little rabbit. And what I am is a monster. I was one long before I joined the military and wound up in Dr. Gardner’s experimental program.
My family is a well-known mafia one, and I was raised from birth to become the next head of the family.
Any gentleness, softness, goodness that might have been inside me when I was born, despite my DNA, has long since been beaten out of me.
I didn't need Dr. Gardner’s drugs to make me lose my ability to feel emotions, to erase my conscience.
I’d shut down any emotion by the time I started school because it was the only way to survive. ”
The finger he held to Cassandra’s lips brushed absently back and forth. Since he wasn't wearing gloves, didn't need the additional protection from the weather, he enjoyed the feel of her soft skin beneath the calloused pad of his finger.
“You are everything that is good about this world, and I'm everything that isn’t. You're good and sweet and pure, I can't ever be the man you deserve. Everything you want, I can never give you.”
At his revelation, he’d expected her to either offer assurances that he could be what she wanted or confirm that he couldn’t.