Chapter 1 #4
Claire let out a quiet sigh. Sometimes she wasn’t sure what to say or how to act around her family.
Even though Cassidy, El, or Alex often told her to just be herself, she still held back, or at least tried to.
She had always liked and admired Rose, and Jim had always seemed a bit mysterious.
Learning they were her parents changed everything, but in some ways, nothing changed at all.
She wrestled with that contradiction, just like she did with many things in her life.
It felt like two opposite things could be true at the same time.
And that made little sense.
"Claire, you don't have to talk to me about anything."
Claire's head snapped up. "No. I'm not... I just... Well..."
Rose smiled.
"Shit," Claire grumbled. "I don't want to seem too excited," she admitted.
El was scheduled to have an ultrasound that morning. The doctor hadn’t been able to identify the baby’s sex definitively yet. She had suggested she would likely be able to during this visit.
"Why would you hold back about being excited?" Rose asked gently.
Claire huffed and shook her head.
"I don't think you should hold back with El—and certainly not that you're excited."
"I just feel guilty."
"Because of Jonathan?"
"Yeah. That's part of it."
"And?" Rose pressed.
"I'm just trying to figure out how to be someone's kid. I mean, how messed up is that? What if I screw everything up? I can't even call my own father, Dad. And really? Who am I to them?"
Rose nodded. "I understand."
"You do?"
"I think so."
"I just..."
"Go on."
Claire hesitated.
"Claire, you can say anything to me."
"I know," Claire said. "I do know. I never thought I'd have kids. Hell, I never thought I'd have a family at all."
Rose listened, her heart clenching.
"What if it all falls apart? What if the kids end up resenting me? What if I?—"
"That's a lot of what-ifs. And that question doesn't have an answer, sweetheart."
"I know. It's like all of a sudden, the things that mattered don't seem as important, you know? Like they still matter, but sometimes I wonder why."
Rose bit her bottom lip. Despite all the upheaval, loss, and pain in Claire’s past, there was still a kind of innocence about her.
"Like, what do I say? Look at our baby? It's not really our baby. But it is. I know El wants me to say that."
"But?"
"I feel that way. I do," Claire said. "But she doesn't really understand. I can't explain it. My parents—the ones I thought were?—"
"Your parents," Rose said. "Go on."
"See, that's the thing. They were. But you are."
Rose smiled.
"And sometimes..." Claire's thought trailed off.
"Claire?"
"Oh, hell. I loved my mom."
"Of course, you did."
"Yeah. But I love you. And I don't know what to do with that. Like... here you are. And you're always there for me. Like always."
Rose nodded.
"And Jim... He's always there, too. And it's different. There are all these parts of me that make more sense now. What do I do with these kids, Mom? They're all like Jonathan. And..."
"Claire," Rose interrupted softly.
"I know it's crazy. The only person who understands is Dylan."
"Well, you and Dylan have a lot of things in common."
Claire shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."
"Can I say something?"
Claire nodded.
"Stop overthinking things," Rose advised.
"I just want them to have what I didn't."
The words landed like a gut punch for Rose.
"Mom, no... I don't blame you or Jim."
"I know you don't. And if we changed things, maybe Cassie never would have met Chris or Alex. You might not have found El."
Claire swallowed hard.
"You need to stop feeling out of place in the present because of the past, Claire. None of us can turn back the clock. I remember when Alex first came to Cassie's."
Claire tilted her head.
"Dylan took to her immediately. He was always outgoing, but he gravitated to Alex. Like Ian with you."
Claire smiled.
"And I think that's partly why Cassie fell so hard for Alex.
They all fit. Not just Cassidy and Alex.
They fit as a family—like it was meant to be.
And even after all the questions and admissions about Dylan's father, it's Alex he looks to.
I know he has questions. And I'm sure Ian, Eva, and this baby will have questions, too.
That doesn't take anything away from who you are in their eyes.
You aren't taking anything away from them, Claire. "
"Maybe not. I screwed up being someone's kid. Hell, I'm still screwing that up."
"Claire."
"I am, Mom. I know I say things sometimes that hurt you and?—"
"Stop," Rose said. "We all feel that way with our parents at times. Cassie will tell you that. I felt that way with my parents, too." She chuckled. "Being a parent is strange."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when I think about it, we're all someone's child before we're anything else. And that? Being someone's child? It informs everything in our lives. Everything you feel is normal. Even if the way we found each other is?—"
"Insane?"
Rose chuckled. "Unusual."
"Insane."
Rose shook her head, smiling. "Just embrace this time," she told Claire. "Enjoy every second of it. Let yourself be happy, sweetheart. It isn't only you who needs that. It's El and the kids—all of them."
"It's just strange," Claire said.
"Being happy?"
"Yeah. Kind of. Feeling like I belong somewhere... with someone. Not just El."
Rose smiled softly. "Then maybe you should stop treating belonging like something you have to earn."
Claire looked toward the stairs as Ian's laughter floated down again. It was still strange for Claire, being loved without conditions. She’d had to earn everything with her father—with the admiral—his kindness, respect, and his praise.
She’d tried to earn his affection. All those endeavors fell flat.
El appeared at the landing with Ian on her hip, smiling in that way that made Claire forget whatever argument she had been having with the universe.
"You ready?" El asked.
Claire drew a breath, glanced at Rose, and nodded.
"Yeah," she said. "I think I am."
Eleana tilted her head.
Rose offered Eleana a wink.
"Eva's asleep," Eleana said. "A little cranky with the teething. Sorry."
"Oh, no worries. I know a thing or two about cranky kids," Rose said. "Come on, Ian. Why don't you and I grab some juice, and you can show me what you've been building with your Legos?"
Ian scurried to Rose.
"We'll see you soon," Rose said.
Eleana stepped up to Claire. "Are you okay?"
"Gwamma!" Ian screamed, then laughed.
Claire looked down the hallway. She turned back to Eleana and smiled. "I'm good, El. Let's go."
"You know, we should be able to know if we'll be welcoming a boy or a girl," Eleana offered as Claire helped her into a jacket.
"Are you hoping for one or the other?" Claire asked.
"No. You?"
"Nope. I just hope they don't have Fallon's poop gene," Claire said, grabbing her keys.
Eleana arched her brows. "Poop gene?"
Claire shrugged. "That kid's diapers were toxic waste, El. It's in those Toles genes, I think."
"You realize that Fallon also has McCollum genes."
"And?"
"How do you know that gene isn't from your family?"
Claire opened the door. "Nope. No way. That one is Krause and Alex all the way. I love the kids. They didn't get the green poop from Cass."
Eleana laughed. One thing was certain: raising kids with Claire would never be boring.
Rose shook her head, listening to the discussion as the front door closed.
"Gwamma?"
"Hm?"
"Cw'aire is silwy."
"She can be."
"Gwamma?"
"Yes, love?"
"C'waire is mine?"
"Yes, sweetheart, Claire is yours."
He grinned and sipped from his juice box.
"Come on," Rose said. "Let's see what you and Claire have been building."
The front door opened again.
"Did you forget something?" Rose called out, walking into the hallway.
"Gwampa!" Ian took off for Jim.
Rose's breath caught.
Jim stood just inside the door, brushing cold air from his coat as Ian launched himself at him.
"Gwampa!"
Jim's face changed in an instant. Whatever sleep still clung to him disappeared beneath the smile that spread across his face. He bent as quickly as his knees allowed and caught Ian against his chest.
"Well, look at you," Jim said. "Did you get bigger since breakfast?"
Ian giggled and wrapped his arms around Jim's neck.
Rose watched them from the hallway, one hand resting against the wall.
There were still things Rose hadn’t forgiven, and maybe she never would. Some wounds faded with time but never fully disappeared. Some questions had answers, and some choices never would. She had spent years angry at Jim for leaving, and almost as many years afraid he might leave again.
But he was here.
Ian was in his arms. Claire had just walked out the front door with Eleana, nervous and happy and trying not to be either too much. Eva was sleeping upstairs. Cassidy and Alex were woven into all of it. Dylan, too. A family no one could have planned, and everyone had somehow found.
Rose drew a slow breath and let it out.
Life never promised anything would last forever. Maybe that was what Rose kept forgetting. Nothing stayed the same. Children grew up. Parents made mistakes. Secrets came out. People left, and people came back. Love didn’t make any of it certain.
It made this moment worth holding on to.
Jim looked up, catching her watching him.
"What?" he asked softly.
Rose shook her head and smiled.
"Nothing," she said.
Ian patted Jim's cheek. "Legos, Gwampa."
Jim laughed. "Did you build another car?"
“Yep. Cw’aire’s is big!”
Rose stepped aside as Ian tugged Jim toward the living room. For once, she didn’t allow herself to follow the ache into the past or chase fear into whatever waited ahead.
They were here. All of them.
Finally.
No one could predict how tomorrow would unfold. Maybe that, too, was how it was meant to be.
“Gamma! Come see!”
Rose closed her eyes. Time to make a choice. She took a breath and stepped into the room. “I’m right here.”
Jim looked up.
Rose smiled at him. I’m right here.