Chapter 6 #6
“No, no. Not about my loss,” Eleana said. “At least, not in the way people might think.” She took a breath. “The thing no one really understands is that I had already started mourning Jonathan and my father before they died. Or maybe I had started accepting the loss.”
Marianne sat back slightly, listening.
“Jonathan and I would have been divorced by now,” Eleana said. “This baby would not have changed that. He still would have chosen to base his work in France, and I still would have refused to go.”
“I’m sorry, El.”
“I’d like to say it’s okay. It isn’t. It hurt.
” Eleana’s smile was sad but steady. “But when I stepped back and let myself be honest, I had always seen the end of our relationship. I loved him. I still do. He became my closest friend. But I was never in love with Jonathan, as much as I wanted to be. And he was never in love with me.”
Marianne nodded.
“We worked until what made us work as a couple wasn’t enough,” Eleana said. “I don’t regret our marriage. I don’t regret our children or the life we built—tried to build. But we seldom spent time as a family unless Cassidy brought everyone together.”
“El.”
“It’s true.” Eleana chuckled. “Claire? She cuts her trips short whenever she can. She calls every day. Sometimes more than once. She wants to know everything Ian and Eva did, how I’m feeling, whether I ate enough, whether the baby kicked, whether I need anything.”
Marianne’s smile warmed. “She loves you.”
“She loves us all,” Eleana said. “Claire has never had an issue loving people. It’s letting them love her that frightens her.”
“I understand.”
Eleana’s expression shifted.
“No. I do,” Marianne said. “Rick and I always fit. I can’t claim we had a perfect marriage, but things between us were easier than they are for many couples.
We were best friends. We understood each other.
” She smiled. “He was more open than I was. Had more friends. Let people in more easily. I shut down when he died. Completely.”
“That’s understandable.”
“Mm. Yes. But it was lonely.” Marianne looked toward the doorway where the children’s voices rose again. “It took losing him—losing myself for a while—for me to open up to other people in a different way.”
Eleana listened.
“The kids helped,” Marianne said. “Watching Spencer with JD and Mom helped, too. JD is his person. I don’t think that will ever change. And when Mom and JD adopted Cooper, it opened my eyes in a way I didn’t expect.”
“To what?”
“That we all have to choose.” Marianne smiled, her eyes warm.
“My mom says that all the time. It doesn’t matter who we’re born to, what birth certificates or family trees say.
Some people just fit. They become yours because they want to be part of your life.
Because they learn things like where the cups are kept and who likes peas and who needs the nightlight left on.
” She smiled. “And I don’t mean only the kids. ”
Eleana laughed softly.
“People say finding someone to love you is life’s greatest gift,” Marianne said. “And it is. But you have to give yourself the gift of letting them.”
Eleana sniffled, but her smile didn’t fade. Everything Marianne said made sense.
“Kids have a way of breaking down walls,” Marianne added. “Not all at once. Usually with sticky hands and truly terrible timing.”
Eva chose that moment to slap both hands against Eleana’s sweater and squeal.
Marianne laughed. “See? Terrible timing.”
Eleana kissed the top of Eva’s head. “Or perfect timing.”
“Maybe a little of both.”
Eleana looked toward the doorway, where Claire’s laughter drifted in softly from the other room. “I think sometimes she worries she’s replacing something. I don’t need Claire to replace Jonathan.”
“I know,” Marianne said.
Eleana looked at her.
“I do. Scott worried about that, too. What Scott and I share doesn’t take anything away from how much I love and miss Rick.
And it doesn’t take anything from Spencer or Maddie.
” Marianne paused. “It took time for Spencer to invite Scott into that place in his life. That’s the thing people who haven’t lost what we have don’t always understand.
You have to be invited. You can’t force it. ”
Eleana nodded.
“But refusing the invitation can take something away, too,” Marianne said. “I learned that with Coop. Claire will figure it out.”
“I hope so.”
“She will. JD considers Claire her best friend outside of our family, and Claire let her in.”
Eleana smiled. “She has.”
“And I’ve spent some time with Cassidy over the years. Claire let Cassidy in, too.”
Eleana nodded.
“So give it a little time. There will be pauses. Hesitation. Probably a little panic. But it’ll work out, El.”
Ian shouted in the distance. “C’waire!”
“Oh, man!” Claire’s voice echoed as her laughter grew louder. “You aren’t supposed to color yourself! Wait… what is that on your hand? Peanut butter? Where did you get peanut butter?”
Ian and Craig screeched with delight.
Marianne and Eleana looked at each other, then laughed.
Eleana shifted Eva higher against her chest and glanced toward the sound. “Sticky hands and terrible timing.”
Marianne smiled. “Yep. Probably the only things that are totally predictable. And not just with our kids.”
Eleana burst into laughter. “Definitely not only with our kids.”