Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
If you fight yourself, you fight an
unbeatable enemy.
ALISTAIR
There’s no way out of this. With my back against the wall, every nerve in my body is a live wire. Celine’s brown eyes cut deeper than any knife could.
But I can’t tell her about the blood circle.
I can’t tell her how I feel about her either.
Because she could leave me. And then I would have nothing. Here in this hellish prison realm designed to torture, maim, and kill, I’m trapped in every way that counts.
“Angel.” I reach for her with shaking fingers.
She steps out of my reach. I’m losing her. In a room neither of us can physically leave, I’m still fucking losing her. It’s exactly what I feared.
Do something. Say something. Anything to wipe the crushed expression from her face.
“I’m sorry.” The words come out strangled.
“Don’t,” she snaps. “Don’t you dare apologize.”
“I can’t . . .” I drag a hand over my face, and Luca shoots me a pained look.
“Get out of your own way, Ali.”
I know he’s right, but I don’t know how. We aren’t in the Fringes anymore. I can’t protect her here, can’t protect any of them. If I expose myself, there’s no taking it back. I’ll be at their mercy for the rest of my life—however long that might be.
Celine’s expression shutters. “I’ll get us out of here, but after that, you can’t come around anymore.” She scrubs her hand over her face. “Maybe you’ll get lucky and someone will take me out in the arena.”
Everything turns red.
“No,” I snarl. “Don’t fucking say that. Don’t ever say that.”
“Then answer me,” she begs. “Why did you even come with me, Alistair? Why bother?”
I’m too hot. Burning up from the inside out.
“Because I had no choice,” I hiss, yanking the sweatshirt over my head and tossing it on the floor.
“I can’t stand to see you walk away from me.
Day and night, all I think about is you.
How to make you smile, how to make you come, how to make you want me so badly that you’ll never leave. ”
“I’m not a possession, Alistair.”
I grab her hands. “You aren’t a possession; you’re everything to me. I want you more than my next breath. I would give up the sun a thousand times for one more day with you. My life is literally in your hands, don’t you see?”
“No,” Celine says. “I don’t see because you tell me nothing!”
Your curiosity will be your downfall, Alistair. Mum’s voice echoes in my head.
I suppose it’s time to find out if she was right.
“Do you want to know why I can’t keep bagged blood down?
” I ask. Celine nods stiffly. “It’s because I’ve already tied myself to you irrevocably.
” I search her face, my heart rattling against my ribs.
“I’ve never known a moment of real; do you understand that?
I never expected to feel anything for anyone—but my body knew, angel. It knew the second I tasted you.”
She blinks. “I don’t understand.”
I suck in a ragged breath. “We’re in a blood circle.
If you die or leave me, I’m done for. Without your blood, I’d be dead within a month.
And I kept it from you, not because I didn’t trust you, but because you’re good—even years in the Fringes couldn’t erase your integrity.
You’re too noble to let me starve. You would stay with me out of obligation, and the idea of being the object of your pity—a responsibility you couldn’t escape.
I couldn’t, no I can’t, bear that, Celine.
I would rather die than make you pretend. ”
For a second, there’s no sound but the crackling fire.
Celine’s eyes flash, then she backs me into the wall. “Do I look like I’m pretending, Alistair?” she demands. “Did it look like I was pretending when I fought for you in the sand?”
I shake my head.
“And did it look like I was pretending when I laid awake in your bed counting your heartbeats after you were stabbed?”
“Celine—”
“How about when I couldn’t stay away from you even after you humiliated me? Or when everything was falling to pieces around me, and I still couldn’t cut you off?”
“The sex has always been—”
“Don’t you dare reduce us to sex! If I want to get off, I will—I have ten fingers and more options than you can imagine, asshole. I don’t need you for that, I just need you!”
“You’re shouting at me.”
“No shit! I’m furious. I don’t care about this blood circle, although I’ve got a shit ton of questions. I care about you, and I’m not sure why you can’t grasp that.”
“I don’t care about you, angel.”
“Cool. Fucking awesome, Ali. Thanks for telling me.” She tries to retreat, but I grab her hands. “Too bad you decided to figure that out after we got locked up together.”
“I love you,” I say.
She freezes; her cheeks flushed with anger. “What did you say?”
“You heard me.” I drop my forehead to hers, ignoring our audience. “I love you, although those words aren’t nearly enough. You’re my light, my compass, my reason. Nothing has ever frightened me as much as you. I could die a million times, but if you walked away from me, death would be preferable.”
“That’s fucking toxic,” Celine says.
“Do you think I don’t know that?” I kiss her hard, devouring her gasp. “Tell me you love me too. Tell me, angel. Please. My heart is yours, and if you don’t take it, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
Celine wraps her fingers around my throat. “Do you swear it?”
“Yes,” I groan. “I’ve loved you since you climbed into my lap to negotiate a deal to keep Casanell off your back.”
“You idiot,” she mutters. “Of course, I love you. No more secrets, you tell me everything or I’m out. I can’t look at you and wonder anymore.”
“I promise. Now push me around.”
She shoves me to the floor, then drops into my lap. “Mine,” she snaps.
“Yours,” I gasp. “Forever yours.”
“This conversation was long overdue,” Malach says. “Although, as far as conversations go, it was thin at best.”
Ciprian chuckles. “Should we turn around or something?”
“Both of you, shut up,” Luca grumbles. “My show is on.”
“Ignore them.” Celine nips my bottom lip harshly. “You’re going to bite me, then you’re going to explain the details of this blood circle.”
“Yes, angel.”
“Do it,” she demands.
“Where do you want me?”
“Anywhere. Everywhere. Quit stalling and—”
I slide my fangs into her neck, tapping the vein that’s been taunting me since Malach forced this conversation. Shady fucker always thinks he knows best. He may be right this time, but I’d rather be fed whole to a monster than admit it to him.
The midday eclipse rolls over the realm, and a chill sinks into the room.
Celine’s blood coats my tongue and runs down my throat, better than my filthiest dreams. I’ve been hard since she shoved me into the wall. I could sip her for hours, making her come until we both got our fill, but I don’t dare risk it.
No matter what Celine says, we must be careful. If the veydra bursts through the door an hour from now, she needs to be at her best. I would never forgive myself if my needs overrode her safety.
I lick the wound shut, grinning as Celine grinds on my lap, chasing her release.
“More,” she begs.
“No.” I grip her hips and hold her still. “You wanted to interrogate me, and I’m a vampire of my word.” Standing, I carry her to the bed, drop her on the end, and back away.
If I can reach her, I won’t keep my hands to myself. And if I don’t keep my hands to myself, neither of us will be able to concentrate. It’s best to remove myself from temptation.
“I don’t know where to begin,” I say, scraping my hand over my jaw. It’s scratchy with stubble. “But to make this all make sense, I should tell you that my mum hates being a vampire.”
Celine raises her eyebrows. “Was she turned against her will?”
I nod shortly. “She didn’t tell me she was a vampire until I figured it out and confronted her. When I decided I wanted to be turned, I forced her hand and told her she could either turn me herself or I would find someone else to do it.”
“Damn,” Luca says. “I’m guessing she didn’t love that.”
“That’s putting it lightly. She thinks vampires shouldn’t exist. Turning me was another strike against her soul, but she feared I would end up dead if I went searching for other vampires. She was probably right about that.”
“How does the blood circle fit in?” Ciprian asks.
I glance at him, surprised he’s speaking to me directly, and clear my throat.
“It’s a maker’s responsibility to tell their progeny the rules.
Vampires aren’t social creatures. We don’t form communities or swap stories—the only person who owes you the truth is your maker.
But as payback for forcing her hand, Mum refused to tell me anything. I’ve been flying blind ever since.”
I begin to pace. I can’t look at them while I talk about this. They’re smart—every single one of them. Hearing my story will make them draw conclusions. Conclusions that reveal more than I want to reveal. I suppose it can’t be helped.
“When I got sick, I called her for answers. She told me I would be dead within the year. Apparently, blood circles are a major taboo among vampires. They’re formed when you drink from someone.”
Luca frowns. “But you’ve drunk from others before. Why didn’t it happen then?”
“Never from anyone . . .” I sigh and tug on my hair.
“Never from anyone I had feelings for. Blood circles are only able to form when blood is shared consensually and the vampire’s emotions are activated.
For this reason, vampires never drink from anyone they’re intimate with—even other vampires.
It’s too risky, and since most of my kind don’t have many emotions to begin with, it’s incredibly rare for both conditions to be met. ”
“Wait.” Ciprian frowns. “You also drank from me and Luca. Did our blood make you sick?”
I open my mouth, then close it again.
The silence presses in on me, taking on a life of its own.
“There’s no fucking way,” Ciprian murmurs.
I can’t meet his eyes. “I didn’t know.”
“But you hate me,” he snaps. “How could you form some kind of mystical blood circle with me? You must be wrong.”
“I don’t hate you,” I whisper. “I didn’t then, and I don’t now.”
“Could have fooled me.” Ciprian narrows his eyes and rolls up his sleeve. “Prove it. Take a bite right now because I don’t fucking believe you.”
“Ciprian.” Celine looks between us. “I don’t think he’s lying to you.”
“Then he can prove it.” He waves his wrist under my nose. “Drink up.”
I shake my head. “Not until you’ve forgiven me for Sheena.”
His expression hardens. “That will never happen.”
“Then I won’t ever bite you again.”
“Bullshit.” Ciprian points at Luca and Celine. “If Riven drags them out of here and you and I are stuck here, you would bite me to survive, and you know it.”
“No, I wouldn’t. It would be wrong.”
“Wrong?” Ciprian tosses his hands up. “What’s wrong is you telling me you’ll starve if you don’t drink from one of us regularly. That’s fucked up, Alistair. I don’t want you to be dependent on my blood.”
“I didn’t want that either.” I avoid his angry black eyes, then force myself to keep speaking through my clenched teeth. “But I’m not upset that it’s you.”
Ciprian sucks in a breath. “What am I supposed to do with that?”
I shrug. “Whatever you want.”
Luca walks over to me and pulls my forehead down to rest against his. “Ali?”
“Yeah?”
“My emotions are activated for you too.” I laugh, even as my shoulders drop, relieved beyond belief when he erases the last of the distance between us and kisses me. “Do us all a favor and stop hiding when you’re thirsty, okay?”
I nod shortly, feeling about fifty pounds lighter than I did when I woke up. Malach and his fucking meddling. I glance at him and shake my head. “You’re a real shit starter, aren’t you?”
He’s leaning against the opposite wall, the picture of oversized comfort. A smirk crosses his lips, gone as quickly as it arrived. “No idea what you mean.”
“Sure, you don’t.”
“Imani hasn’t covered that particular slang yet.”
Celine sighs at the mention of her friend and hops off the bed, grabbing both of my hands in hers. “I don’t know what the future holds, but I promise to never pretend with you, Alistair. I never have, to be honest. Even at the beginning.”
I smile. “That’s enough for me.”
It’s more than enough, and more than I’ve ever had before all at once. Life is dangerous and unpredictable. No one can guarantee the future, but for the first time in my life, I see a path forward that I won’t have to walk alone.
Perhaps blood circles aren’t the curse everyone believes them to be.