Chapter 12
Ghosts Of Hookups Past
ZARA
My ears must not be working properly.
It’s the only explanation that makes sense. The ears and throat are connected in some way, right?
Maybe my sore throat is affecting my hearing?
I wish I could convince myself of that, but the look of fear in Chance’s eyes tells me all I need to know.
What Heather just said is the truth.
“You fucked her?” I try my hardest to keep my voice from showing the shock and hurt that are expanding in my chest as I look at my stepbrother. I fail miserably.
“Zara, baby,” Chance tries to take my hand, but I step out of his reach.
Tears well in my eyes, and my voice comes out even scratchier than last night. “You had sex with Heather while we were together? I know I’m not just with you, but this isn’t an open relationship, Chance.”
Maybe it’s unfair, but he agreed that I could be with Lev and Ares. I see our relationship very much as exclusive. I’m with the three of them, and they’re just with me. That’s what we agreed to.
“I didn’t cheat, baby.” There are barely repressed tears in his voice, too.
“I hooked up with Heather just once. But it was eighteen months ago. It was Heather’s first birthday without Atlas, and I knew she would be missing him.
I took her out to dinner because I thought that my brother wouldn’t have wanted his girlfriend to be sad on her birthday.
I never planned to sleep with her. But I don’t even know how to explain it.
Our parents were out for a campaign event, and Ares had just moved out. We were alone and so fucking sad.”
I exhale a sigh of relief. Chance didn’t cheat on me.
“It all started with a hug, and before I knew what was happening, we were kissing.” He continues.
“I don’t even know what we thought. I guess we were looking for comfort in physical contact, but you have to believe me, baby, it felt wrong the entire time.
It felt like we were cheating on my brother, even though you can’t cheat on someone who’s gone. ”
Just the idea of Chance with someone else makes me lose my shit. But he’s right. That was before we saw each other again. As far as we both knew back then, we might never have found one another. God knows I had tried to find the guys on social media but to no avail.
I have no right to be mad at Chance, but there’s one thing I need to know. “I get that. Or at least I think I do. But why didn’t you tell me?”
Chance shrugs, but there’s still worry in his dark blue eyes.
“I don’t know. Part of me just wants to forget that ever happened.
Like I said, it felt like we were betraying Atlas’s memory.
On the other hand, you and Heather really hit it off when you moved in, and I didn’t want one past mistake to get between your friendship or between the feelings that resurfaced between us the second we saw each other again.
I didn’t mean to lie to you, Zara. You have to believe me. ”
You know what? I do believe him.
“Ok.” I say softly. “I get it. It would have been an awkward conversation, and I guess there was no point in telling me if you knew it was never going to happen again.”
The relief on Chance’s face is as clear as day. “Thank fuck, baby. Look, I swear my intention wasn’t to lie. If you want to know about every single hookup I’ve ever had, I can tell you.”
“Fuck, no.” I snort. “It might have been before you and I were a thing, but I still don’t like to think about you with someone else.”
Chance nods. “Ok. But just know that I’m an open book. If you want to know something about my past, just ask.”
“I appreciate that. But now you need to go.” I say, looking at my smartwatch. “If you don’t leave now, you’ll be late for practice.”
“Fuck, you’re right. Coach Harrison will have the team use my balls for target practice if I show up late.”
When he leans in for a kiss, I take an instinctive step back.
“Baby, are you sure we’re ok? I can’t go to practice if you’re mad at me. Coach Harrison be damned, I’ll suffer the consequences later.”
“I’m not mad at you, Chance. I promise.” I say honestly. “I’m just… you’re in a hurry, and I guess I just need a second to wrap my head around this whole thing. Ok?”
Zara
Thankfully, Mom buys the sore throat story and doesn’t question me keeping a scarf around my neck indoors; she must also think that’s the reason why I’m super quiet at breakfast.
Heather followed me into the house after Chance left, and she immediately accepted Mom’s invitation to stay for breakfast.
“Goodbye, girls. Zara, please take it easy today. Rest is the best medicine.”
“Don’t worry, Kelly.” Heather reassures her. “I can look after Zara. My mom is making her chicken soup from scratch. And I’ll make sure she gets some rest.”
Mom nods. “Wonderful. Scott is going to be back soon from Sacramento, and we have a string of meetings at town hall; but I’ll keep my phone on me. If Zara feels worse, call me.”
Mom’s idea that rest is the best medicine is a winning one. Even though I slept soundly all night, I still feel exhausted.
“I think I’m going to do as I was told and spend the rest of the day in bed. I’ll text you later or tomorrow, Heather.”
But my new best friend doesn’t look intentioned to leave. “I was hoping we could hang out. That’s why I came to bring you medicine. I was gonna look after you and spend today together. Unless you’re mad at me and you don’t want me here.”
“I’m just really tired. If you don’t mind that I lay down, you can stay.” I say, starting up the stairs. “Why would I be mad at you, anyway?”
Heather doesn’t answer my question until we close my bedroom door behind us.
“Because of the thing with Chance?”
That’s why I was hoping she’d go home. I would rather not discuss this right now. But I know if I refuse to talk about it, Heather is going to take it as confirmation that I’m mad at her.
“I’m not mad at you.” I sigh, flopping down onto the bed and patting the spot next to me. “Why would I be?”
“Because I slept with your boyfriend?”
I cover my face with my pillow for a long moment, lifting it away from my mouth before I finally speak so that my voice isn’t muffled.
But I keep my eyes covered with the pillow.
“Chance and I weren’t together then. I was at boarding school in Connecticut, and Chance and I had just kissed at the bonfire the night before…
” I don’t finish the sentence. Before Atlas’s death.
“Those kisses didn’t mean anything; we barely knew each other.
We hadn’t even exchanged phone numbers. If our parents hadn’t met and fallen in love, we might never have seen each other again.
So, being mad at you would be very unfair.
” I slide the pillow off my face and hug it to my chest for comfort.
Being mad at Chance would also be unfair because I was keeping secrets too. I never told him that I was JJ Smith. I lied about racing against them in the past few weeks. I didn’t do it with the intention of hurting him, and he and Lev did the same with me.
Sometimes we have to keep secrets to protect the people we love, but life would be so much easier if everything could always be out in the open.
I would be lying if I said that a part of me isn’t unhappy about the fact that Chance slept with Heather. But I meant what I said to her. I have no right to be upset with Chance. And while he could have told me, I understand why he didn’t.
Heather has been looking at me, searching my expression for any signs that I might be lying about being mad at her.
She must find what she’s looking for at last.
The tension in her shoulders eases partially. “Thank you, Zara. It means a lot to me that you understand. And I’m not mad at you for not telling me about you and Chance. I understand that you wanted to be sure that it wasn’t just a fling first.”
“I’m happy you understand, Heather. And thank you for not judging me for being with Lev too.” I’m surprised at how relieved I really am. In the weeks since Mom and I moved to Star Cove, Heather has become one of my best friends.
“Oh, I would never judge you. If anything, that’s a boss bitch move, and I’m proud of you.”
Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes, though. She looks angry despite her reassurance that she isn’t.
Maybe I should leave this alone, but I can’t help it. My dad has always told me that my obsession with fixing every problem and making everyone happy is going to be my downfall one day.
I think he’s probably right, but I can’t fight it; it’s in my nature. The words tumble out of my mouth despite the feeling in my gut telling me that I should leave sleeping dogs lie.
“Are you sure? You look upset.”
“That’s because I am,” she says. “But I’m not mad at you, Zara. I’m mad at Chance.”
There’s a distinct possibility that I’m gonna regret my next question, but I can’t ignore what she just said.
“Why?”
“He knew I felt vulnerable and lonely when I asked him to kiss me at a post game party. When he rejected me, he said that he saw me as a sister. I asked him specifically if it was because he liked you, and he lied to me.”
I don’t entirely blame her. I understand that she felt rejected. “But it isn’t all Chance’s fault. He couldn’t have told you. We had agreed not to say anything to anyone until we were sure our feelings for each other were the real thing.”
She doesn’t budge. “He could have told me that he had feelings for you. He didn’t have to tell me that you two were sleeping together.”
“I’m so sorry, Heather. Maybe you’re right, and you should be upset with me.”
Heather takes my hand, squeezing it supportively. “Again, I’m not mad at you. You don’t know me as well as Chance does. He should know that if you guys had asked me to keep your secret, I wouldn’t have revealed anything. Not even under torture.”
I hug my pillow tighter, closing my eyes for a long moment. “Maybe you’re right that we shouldn’t keep so many secrets.”
Guilt twists my insides at the thought that I’m still keeping my relationship with Ares under wraps.