6. Ivy
Ivy
Completely drained. That was all I could feel. Even as everyone spoke around me, making plans and piecing together what the future would look like, I stared into the distance—half-hearing, half-seeing, empty and void of emotions or energy.
All I wanted to do was sleep—or maybe shower and then sleep. People shuffled around the room, making coffee and laughing like their lives hadn’t been completely upended. Even as my brother and Caleb made a list of what everyone needed, I sat at the kitchen table unmoving.
It was so funny that our lives had changed not in months or weeks but in minutes. As soon as I decided to pull the trigger, I knew nothing would be the same. During the immediate aftermath, I hadn’t considered the repercussions of my actions. It had been a frenzy of movement, my limbs shook, and I couldn’t act. Instead of fight or flight, all I experienced was freeze.
Sergei, Maya, and Katya couldn’t return to the same high school, even though Sergei was more concerned about his newly acquired gang affiliation than anything else. Whatever dreams I’d once had of keeping my head down and just finishing college were utterly obliterated. Caleb had sided with me instead of his family, painting a target on his back.
The only good part of the entire thing was that Trey had managed to get everyone out of Clearhaven. It had been one of his only goals. Escape. Late at night, when we spent the night together, he’d whisper to me in the darkness, telling me how he was taking everyone with him. He’d been saving money and doing odd jobs. Every penny he didn’t spend on energy drinks went to his dreams.
Well, at least until he bought the house they called home. It was supposed to be a safe space to hide from his mother and for everyone to escape the past. Even that had now been yanked away from them.
A gentle hand landed on my shoulder, and I glanced up to see Maya staring at me with concern. “Are you okay?” Her voice was quiet so no one else could hear.
I nodded and gave her a small smile, hoping it would reassure her. “I’m just tired.” It was the closest thing to the truth I could give her. She’d lived through enough at the hands of the Order and the man I had always thought was my father. Add in the massacre at the church and... “How are you doing?”
No one had asked Maya or Katya if they were okay. I doubt that any of us were. The horrors of Clearhaven would live with each of us forever. None of us had experienced the same things, but we didn’t have to.
Maya’s grip intensified on my shoulder, and she grimaced. “I’m fine. Or at least I will be.”
The water from the shower felt like heaven as it ran over my body while I scrubbed my skin raw. Earlier, Hunter had disappeared with Ethan while Rayne and Dominic cooked in the small kitchen. Watching how they all worked together gave me a glimpse into what our future could look like. They were like a unit that functioned seamlessly, giving me hope. Would we be like that if we survived the coming months?
Another thought had crossed my mind as I watched them earlier. Hunter, Ethan, and Dominic... were they the ones who my guys would have been with more money—if they had been born with privilege? Caleb was more polished than Cam, Niko, and Trey, but he’d still grown up under the oppression of his grandfather’s gaze.
The washcloth scraped against my skin as I continued rubbing it, unable to unsee the blood from earlier. It was almost like I would never be clean again. No matter what type of soap covered my body, the ghosts of the past touched my skin. I couldn’t scour the memories from my brain or the scars from my soul. Or that when I found out my “father” was dead, I felt a small thrill of joy.
The metal rings of the shower curtain sounded against the rod, and I jumped, surprised by the noise. Trey sighed softly as he stepped into the tub behind me. His arms immediately circled my waist, and he grasped my wrist gently. “Enough, Ivy,” he whispered low before kissing beneath my ear. “There’s nothing left to scrub.”
He’d been quiet since we climbed into the SUVs earlier, choosing to ride with Ethan and Dominic. I’d noticed him observing me, but I was unsure what he was thinking. Part of me wondered if he had thought I was a monster, but I’d quickly shook away those thoughts. Trey wouldn’t believe that, not after everything that we had been through.
I wasn’t sure which sensation was worse: the thoughts that threatened to pull me under or the emptiness from earlier after the adrenaline had left. Trey nipped at my earlobe, his breath feathering along my face. “How can I help you, new girl?”
I shook my head at him, unsure of what to say. What did I really need? What could erase the past hours, days, or weeks? Would I even want to erase them? Even if it made all of my problems disappear, would I want to trade the moments I’d shared with each man in my life–including Cam? I’d discovered I had a brother I hadn’t known about, a family I could cling to. “I’m fine,” I whispered.
He knew what I needed even when I had no clue myself. His free hand wrapped around my throat gently as he kissed the side of my neck. “You’re the last thing from fine. Can you stay quiet? Everyone is getting ready for bed and has chosen rooms for the night. Do you want to stay with me?”
His hand crept along my waist, his touch like tiny flames on my skin. I nodded, knowing that he would keep me safe. He’d proven it time after time. He kissed down the column of my throat, his teeth softly grazing my skin while his hand cupped my sex. All the frustrations, worries, emptiness, and nightmares evaporated as he explored me. I gasped when his fingers parted my folds, his touch delicate. Gasping as he found my clit with expert precision, I arched against his chest. I let my eyes close and allowed myself to feel .
And when his fingers rubbed faster, a tiny whimper escaped from between my lips. Shudders wracked my body as I came, and his arm wrapped around me to hold me up while his lips pressed against the side of my face. Quiet tears started again as he held me, never letting me go.
For some reason, it felt like all the progress I’d made–all the pain I had funneled into anger–was back, unwilling to let me go. He murmured in my ear, “Just let it all go, baby. Fall apart today, and I’ll keep you safe.”
He turned off the shower and opened the curtain to grab a towel. With the gentlest of touches, he dried my body while I stood unmoving, emotions leaking out of my eyes. “Am I broken?”
At first, I thought he hadn’t heard what I said, but then he shook his head, the motion small. His lips curled up into a sad smile. “We’re all broken, Ivy. It might take some time, but we’ll put you back together.”
I lay in the unfamiliar room that night, all the shadows dancing along the walls. Trey’s breathing was slow and quiet, but I knew he wasn’t asleep. He was watching me. Briefly, I considered how much easier it all would have been if I had some tea, or a bottle of vodka, to drown my feelings and hide.
But I couldn’t. I promised myself I wouldn’t, even if feeling was the last thing I wanted to do. I still wasn’t sure why the day’s events had impacted me the way they had. Wells was a terrible man determined to trap me in a loveless marriage at any cost. He’d abused me, raped me, given me to Luthor.
Trey’s fingers slid through the ends of my hair. “Just sleep.” The command was nothing more than a whisper, but my body finally relaxed into him, absorbing his warmth. I closed my eyes, hoping that the nightmares would stay away. They’d been loosening their hold, but they were still lurking in the background, waiting to reappear.