24. Ivy
Ivy
The sun rose, and I watched it through the open window. I was tired, but I couldn’t sleep. Already, Cam’s scent was disappearing from his clothes. I thought I had more time. I considered stealing his cologne and spraying it on the hoodie to pretend he was still with me. Or that maybe he’d come home soon.
I needed to pull myself together. Time would fly by, and the baby would be here before I realized it. Before I knew it, there would be another reason I couldn’t sleep: a tiny life that depended on me. Hunter told me about a friend Rayne saw, a therapist who would understand what I was going through. I didn’t think he would—not the whole situation.
Niko shifted beside me, wrapping me into a hug and tucking me against his body. “We have a surprise for you.”
His words should have excited me. At one point, I lived for the idea of the perfect fairytale romance—the one where your beloved brought you gifts and pampered you. Now, I wasn’t sure if that existed. Even if you ended up with someone amazing, someone whose heartbeat matched yours, it could be ripped away from you through events beyond your control.
“Really?” I asked quietly as I continued to stare out of the window.
He pressed a chaste kiss against the side of my neck. “Really. After breakfast, shower and get dressed.”
Instead of feeling excitement, the emptiness spread through me. It was like nothing could pull me out of the state I was in. Instead of arguing, I trusted the process because I knew they all understood. They all felt the same way. Even Caleb hadn’t been his usual self. We were all zombies, simply going through the motions.
The SUV pulled into the parking lot of a small brick building. The exterior had several sculptures on the lawn, the metal twisted into the most beautiful shapes. I hadn’t allowed myself to consider what the surprise was or why we were all packed into SUVs. Niko exited the car and offered his hand, urging me to get out. I took a deep breath, readying myself for whatever was to come. He laced his fingers with mine, allowing me to approach the door. Once we were close, it swung open, and Hunter stepped out, giving me a soft smile.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
The corner of his lips lifted further. “This is my gallery space, but the guys asked for my help.” He gestured for me to walk inside.
It took me a moment to figure out what I was seeing. The main lights were dim, but pictures were hung on the walls. Above each of them, a spotlight shined down, showcasing the piece’s subject.
“What is this?” I asked, my throat growing tight.
Niko’s fingers squeezed gently. “A more fitting memorial. I went through Cam’s photography a few nights ago, and the thing I couldn’t get over was that the funeral we’d given him felt empty. It didn’t bring me closure. It was nothing more than a farce.” He turned me to face him. “But this is different. It’s a celebration of all the parts of Cam he kept hidden and was silent about. It feels more like him.”
I swallowed my emotions as I pulled away to look at each photograph. Some were silly, such as the selfie he’d taken while playing video games with Sergei. Others were serious. I could see what Niko meant. These were each a piece of Cam. There was an entire wall of photographs I didn’t know he had taken of me. One, I was sleeping on the end of the couch in the apartment with a blanket tucked around my body. Another was of my wedding dress as I walked up the steps at the courthouse. My emotions swelled as I took in the details.
There was another of everyone decorating the Christmas tree, smiling. And yet another of Caleb and me cooking, flour smeared on our cheeks. My favorite was the photograph of him and Niko kissing. It was at an awkward angle, but it managed to capture the essence of both of them. They had looked so happy. We all did.
We were all living our lives as he slowly recorded the moments that, at the time, didn’t feel special. Now, they were to be treasured, forever engraved in our hearts and minds.
Frankie walked up beside me and put her arm around my shoulder. Her eyes sparkled with tears, joy, or a mixture of both. “He really loved you. Even if he acted like an ass.”
I smiled at her statement because I knew it was true. Niko slid an envelope from his pocket as everyone else milled around, talking quietly about each piece. “I found this the other night, and it has your name on it.”
“What does it say?” I asked as I took it from his hand.
He lifted a shoulder as he guided me to a bench. “I didn’t look. I figured it was between the two of you and wasn’t my business.”
My finger slid beneath the seal, and I opened it. My heart beat in my chest, reminding me I was alive, that the emptiness wouldn’t last forever. Eventually, the hollowness would fade away. My hand traced along his writing, and I was filled with longing—all the memories from tutoring him roared to the surface. Things could have been different.
Dear Ivy,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s my sense of dread that I just can’t shake. Or maybe it’s the dreams I’ve had about things that I know will never happen. I’m not sure.
I’m not good with words or emotions. Even my apologies seem half-assed. I can never make up for the things that have happened between us.
If something happens to me, I hope you find this letter. I could spend hours explaining why I did the things I did. I could say I’m sorry, but it wouldn’t change anything. I could sit here and reminisce about my favorite memories of you. I could tell you about my favorite dream.
None of it would make you forgive me or excuse what I’ve done to you. This is what I will promise you. If I somehow make it back in one piece, I’ll burn this letter before you find it and spend every day proving to you I can be the man you deserve. The one that you need. Words won’t fix what is broken between us, but maybe actions will.
But if I don’t make it back tonight, I want to say some things to you. The first is that you are going to be an amazing mother. I don’t care who the baby belongs to. It will be loved and cared for, which is more than any of us can say of our parents.
The second is that you are enough. Nothing was harder than seeing you in the hospital, knowing what I had done to you. I have a million regrets, but that is the one that plagues me the most. When life is too much, and the world’s weight is bearing down on you, remember that you are strong. You’ve lived through the fires of hell and still came out on top. Remember that you have so much to live for.
I hope to spend the rest of my life with you, even though I don’t deserve it. Seeing you marry Caleb was hard. Sharing you was hard. I wanted you all to myself, but that wasn’t fair. You have so much love to give. You light up every room you walk into. If I don’t get to grow old with you, remember me.
You were worth every second, every moment—even the ones where my heart broke.
Most of all, I want you to be happy. I want you to live your life to the fullest. Love freely. I want you to laugh and smile. So, if I don’t make it back, don’t mourn for me. Don’t punish yourself. I want you to hold your head high and straighten your crown, little ghost. Live, even if it’s just for me.
Til forever meets the end. Never doubt you are loved.
Camden Barrett
Sobs shook my entire body, and tears smeared the ink as I clutched the paper to my chest. Today, I would allow myself today to fall apart, and then tomorrow, I would be happy.
The entire time, I wondered if Cam knew what would happen to him. I was worried because of how he was acting. The typically arrogant, confident man I knew was scared and worried. He’d known as much as I had that he wasn’t coming home.
It was funny how life worked. You never knew the last time you’d play at the park with your friends, laughter pealing through the air. You never knew the last time that your mother would hug you tight and tell you she was proud of you. You never knew the last time that your lover would kiss you, professing how he’d love you until the end of time. But there was always a last time. We didn’t know until after it happened that it was the last. It was bittersweet knowing that it had ever happened, but it would never happen again.
Tomorrow, after the dust had settled, I’d try a little harder. I couldn’t promise Cam’s ghost I would be perfect, but his letter made me realize a lot of things. It made me refocus on the fact that I was alive, even though he was gone, and that I had to be strong because my battle wasn’t done.