35. Ivy
Ivy
Fingers ghosted along my skin, and I sighed, completely content with the strong arms that held me. Sometimes, it felt so real that I forgot for just a moment that it was just a dream. Even the scent was real, the smell of the ocean at sunrise. Sky-blue eyes stared down at me, and I swallowed. “When I wake up, you won’t be here anymore.”
His fingers tucked a stray hair behind my ear before he cupped my cheek. “That isn’t true. I’m always there.”
It was a lie that my brain had conjured up, but I still wanted to soak up as much as I could before I opened my eyes. When I woke up, everything would be gone. I wouldn’t have Cam, Niko, Trey, or Caleb to hold me. I’d be stuck in the gigantic mansion alone for yet another day. “Even if it’s true, it doesn’t matter.”
Lately, I had been spending more time sleeping, hoping to see him again. Of seeing any of them. Sometimes, I would dream of Niko sitting in the graveyard playing his guitar. Others would have Caleb taking me on a picnic in the frosty air or Trey sitting at his computer, tugging me into his lap. They were distorted memories, but it was the only thing I had. Part of me knew it would be better to forget all of it and leave it behind, but I couldn’t.
In this dream, Cam lay in the bed he’d had at the small house we’d called home briefly. It was rumpled from sleep, and his dirty clothes were strewn across the floor. I was wearing one of his shirts, and I inhaled deeply to recommit his scent to my memory.
“Did you know the baby is yours? Sometimes, when I’m awake by myself, I talk to you. I tell you all about how big the baby is. It’s so ridiculous because I compare them to a piece of fruit. I wonder what you would do if you were here, how you would have taken the news.” My voice cracked even though it was a dream. “And I still miss you, even though you were one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met.”
There was a time when I couldn’t have imagined confessing any of this to Cam. I couldn’t wait to be away from him and the way he tortured me. I was broken because now I wanted more. More time. More kisses. More fights. He was tormenting me from beyond the grave, even in my dreams.
He dipped his head, resting his forehead on mine. “If I were there, I would make sure no one ever touched you again. If I were there, we’d run away somewhere safe and raise the baby. Live happily ever after.” He lowered his voice. “I miss you too, little ghost.” His lips brushed against mine softly, and the tears I kept at bay during my waking hours broke free.
I let my hands drift through his beautiful blond hair and trace the planes of his face. Why couldn’t it have been like this when he was alive? Why couldn’t he have loved me this way when he was here?
That was when I jerked myself awake. My cheeks were wet, and my heart raced so fast I thought I would die as I stared into the darkness. I wiped a hand over my face, letting my fingers linger on my lips.
Something shifted in the shadows as my eyes adjusted to the room. “You’re awake early, even for you.”
Chills rolled down my spine at the sound of his voice. He’d been watching me sleep. Had no one ever told him that was impolite, not to mention creepy? “Bad dream.”
“Mm. Did you know you talk in your dreams? I’ll never make you love me, Ivy, but I do demand loyalty. One day, in the distant future, you’ll forget all about them. They’ll be nothing more than the dreams that haunt you at night.”
He waited for several moments, my breath the only sound in the room. He was wrong if he thought I’d forget any of them. I could never do that. They were all a part of me that could never be extracted, not even by using the drugs the Order seemed to love.
He inhaled deeply. “Is there something that you want to tell me before tomorrow night? The doctor is coming to visit you. It’s nothing more than a wellness check. My lawyers have drafted the paperwork for your annulment, which will be filed at the end of the week. I don’t think there will be questions. By next week, you’ll be Ivy Spencer again. You’ll be my fiancée.“
It felt like all the air had been knocked out of me as I listened to his words. Not only was my marriage to Caleb ending, he was having a doctor visit me. And if I had been talking in my sleep… “Nothing,” I managed to stutter out. “I don’t have anything to tell you.”
It was a lie, just like the dream I’d woken up from. There were things he didn’t know, things he would find out as soon as a doctor took a single vial of my blood. He’d find out about the baby I was carrying, which I’d guarded so carefully. I didn’t know what he would do about it. Terror threatened to drag me under as I considered what would happen. He’d never let me have Cam’s baby, the only piece of him I had left.
If I were lucky, they’d slip drugs into my food. If I were unlucky, he’d either throw me down the front stairs or murder me. My life didn’t matter, but the baby’s? It mattered more than everything in the world.
“Are you sure?” He tried to probe and push to get inside my head. He tried to intimidate me. But what he didn’t realize was I wouldn’t cave. Not this time.
“Positive.” My words seemed to echo as I pulled the blanket up around my body to comfort myself. I sounded braver than I felt, a minor victory in the situation.
He stood, straightening his clothes. “Let’s hope that it’s true and you haven’t been hiding something from me. I would hate to have to punish you.”
He stalked from the room, and the door slammed shut, leaving me alone in the dark. It would have been easy to fall back asleep and lose myself in my dreams. Perhaps the next one would have Niko in it, whispering words of assurance and promising everything would be okay. Inside of my dreams, they would be.
But in the cold of the unfamiliar room, nothing was okay. I felt it in my soul.
Morning came too early—it always did. The sun was too bright, and the birds were too loud. The room was even colder than the night before. Still, I managed to get dressed and put on the mask I always wore, the one that said I was happy.
I was anything but. The visit from Ross in the middle of the night had unsettled me. His words didn’t feel like a threat, more like a promise. My punishment was inevitable, especially considering the fact that I told the guys not to find me. More than anything in the world, I wanted them to.
I wanted to take back every single thing I’d said or wrote. I also wanted to take back running away, no matter how noble the cause. At the time, it seemed like the most reasonable option. If I left, it meant everyone was safe. It meant that the guys I loved wouldn’t be in danger. It also meant that Maya and Katya wouldn’t be dragged into the world I was living in. They wouldn’t end up chained in someone’s basement or as prostitutes for the wealthy at the Gilded Lily.
As my heart galloped behind my ribs, I second-guessed all of that, though.
My hands drifted to my lower stomach as I brushed off my clothes, readying myself for breakfast. “Tiny bean, I’m doing my best. It isn’t very good right now. I’m sorry,” I whispered, more to myself than to anyone else.
I thought about what the baby would look like if it were to make it, with bright blue eyes and light blond curls. And I let myself mourn the fact that in less than twelve hours, the baby I was carrying might be no more. My entire life could be summed up in a few short words: grief for what could have been . After all, wasn’t that what I had written to Cam in my letter?
Then I lifted my chin and walked to the dining room. At least the smell of eggs no longer turned my stomach. The sight of Ross eating and drinking coffee like nothing had ever happened did. “Good morning, Ivy.”
I couldn’t even muster a glare at him, choosing to sit down and pour myself orange juice.
“I’ll be gone for the day. At ten, I have an important meeting.”
I sipped on the sweet juice, relishing the taste of citrus on my tongue and hoping that he never came back. Hoping that a tragic accident would befall him, and then I could plan my escape. Even if I had no money, at least I’d have the remnants of my heart.