Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
CAITLIN
Smart Bitches
Sarah
I’ve never done this before, but SOS BITCHES THERE’S FUCKERY AFOOT.
Me
Who is this?
Maya
OH MY GOD CAIT DID A JOKE.
Maddy
Sar, did someone steal your phone or something?
Sophie
Seriously, you never have angst that’s not, like, running out of snacks during finals or something. Are you out of candy?
Sarah
Yes, but that’s tomorrow’s issue. Today I have a real, actual problem that needs to be solved immediately, so cut the shit and put on your listening ears.
Emmy
Oh my god. I feel like Sarah’s first SOS deserves a ticker-tape parade. Who’s up for a trip to New York? We need the Canyon of Heroes.
Maya
Tell us everything.
Me
Okay, but before you tell us everything, first tell us if you’re okay and you’re safe.
Maya
There’s the Caitlin we know and love.
Sophie
Big Mom Energy coming in hot.
Maddy
I thought my energy was Big Mom Energy seeing as I’m a mom (kind of).
Sophie
It’s mom energy light, Mads. Until you can conjure a ten-point plan that has a 99% chance of effectiveness in less time than it takes to microwave a bag of popcorn, the Big Mom Energy title belongs to our resident lawyer girl.
Emmy
Hey, I’m a lawyer too.
Me
Real lawyers do their work ahead of time instead of waiting until the night before it’s due. Did you finish the domicile memo?
Emmy
It’s only four in the afternoon and Molly doesn’t need the memo until tomorrow at 9. I think you know the answer to that.
Also, it’s four in the afternoon. You were supposed to be back hours ago, Cait. Where are you?
I sigh from my perch on the end of my bed wearing nothing but underwear, an ultra tampon, and an overnight pad, my bloated, swollen stomach hanging over my waistband.
I knew this question was coming eventually.
Even in some of my worst months, I almost always find a way to drag myself to work and hide the evidence of the horror show going on beneath my clothes, or, at the very least, let everyone know I’m working from home.
But, for the first time ever, even as the cramps started to subside, I didn’t have it in me to do either of those things.
Me
Sorry, the hospital took longer than I thought. Mia had a lot of questions, so it got late and I ended up coming home to work from here for the rest of the day.
Maddy
Is hell frozen? Have aliens invaded planet Earth to do weird sexperiments on all of us? Did those crotchety old white men in Congress finally give us health care and paid parental leave? Since when is any time of the day too late for you to go back to the office?
Me
Emmy’s procrastination bothers me less at a distance. If I don’t see it, I can pretend it doesn’t exist.
Sophie
That is remarkably self-aware of you.
Emmy
My inability not to procrastinate thanks you. If you need me, I’ll be here living my best last-minute life, existing on caffeine, red Skittles, good vibes, and feminist rage. About the health care thing and also about *waves hands everywhere*.
Sarah
Okay, this is fun and everything, but can we focus on me now?
Maya
Anytime, honey girl. Tell us everything.
Sarah
I kind of did a thing.
Maddy
Details, Sarah. We need details.
Sarah
I joined a dating app. I’m on a date. Right now.
Maya
Oh Sarah, no.
Sarah
Unfortunately for me, yes.
I thought since a dating app worked for Sophie it would work for me too, so I agreed to my first date in forever that I definitely don’t have time for because he was cute and he gave good text.
Sophie
And?
Sarah
I’m currently hiding in a coffee shop bathroom because he spent half an hour explaining the medical profession to me, ten minutes asking if I ovulate on a regular basis because it’ll be easier for us to get pregnant if I do, and another ten minutes asking me if I would be amenable to IVF for gender selection purposes because he really has his heart set on boys.
Emmy
Ugh. My rage is extra ragey right now.
Maya
Just leave, Sar. Go back to the table and tell him thanks but no thanks.
Maddy
Better yet, hold the thanks and get the fuck out of there.
My mom told me she once went on a date with a guy who turned out to be a misogynistic asshole and a waitress helped her out the back door. You should do that.
Sarah
There is no back door. Trust me, I checked.
And the idea of walking back through that coffee shop gives me the creeps.
There’s a nonzero chance this guy follows me out of the building.
He’s giving Criminal Minds vibes, less in the hot, brilliant FBI agent way and more in the I will kill you and wear your skin like a suit way.
Emmy
You watch Criminal Minds?
Sophie
Same question, dude. That doesn’t seem like something the human embodiment of glitter would do.
Sarah
I like how good they are at their jobs. I’m pretty sure I have a serious competence kink.
Emmy
Okay, Sar, I need so much more information about that.
Me
More information later. Help Sarah now. Sar, where are you?
Sarah
Coffee Tree on Forbes. The one by school. I was next door with my mom and Aunt Hannah for lunch and figured I would kill two birds with one stone, only now I’m kind of afraid I’m the one about to get killed in a “this will end up as a true crime podcast” kind of way.
Me
Okay, we need safety in numbers for this one. Mads, you’re off today, so get in the car now and go pick up Sophie at work—she’s closest. Soph, be ready. There’s a church across the street from the coffee shop with a lot that should be empty. Park there and go in together.
Get Sarah from the bathroom and get the fuck out. Make sure Creepy McAssholeFace doesn’t follow you out or see your license plate. Go to Maddy’s and text when you get there.
Sarah
Bless you. I’m way too pretty to be this guy’s skinsuit.
Maya
Cait, have you ever considered a side gig that involves running the world? Or negotiating world peace?
Sophie
Seriously. We’re nothing without you.
Me
No time. I’m too busy making sure Emmy doesn’t miss her deadlines.
Emmy
Sarah may be too pretty to be a skinsuit, but I’m way too pretty to do work ahead of time when an all-nighter does the job just fine.
Me
I just died a little inside.
Mads, get in the car. Soph, go down to your lobby and wait. Sarah, make sure that bathroom door is locked and don’t leave until they get there.
Maddy
[saluting emoji]
Already on my way.
Sophie
Heading to the elevator.
Sarah
I’m sitting on the toilet seat watching funny videos of people falling.
Maya
Videos of what?
Sarah
Search “funny falling videos” and in thirty seconds you’ll be cackling, I promise. Bonus points if the videos are of kids.
Emmy
I think we need to pause and consider all the things we’ve learned about Sarah in the last ten minutes.
Sarah
I have hidden depths.
Maya
I’ll fucking say. Don’t think we won’t be discussing those depths during our next taco and tequila night.
“You okay in there, Catie?”
I jolt at the sound of Drew’s voice from outside my bedroom door, my phone flying out of my hands and landing with a thud. Freshly showered, death cramps reduced from the seventh circle of hell to somewhere around the middle of purgatory, and with a problem to solve, I forgot he was still here.
I assumed after he plunked his Renegades hat on my head, pulled the brim low to hide my face the way I asked him to, and wheeled me out of the hospital to his car in a stolen wheelchair, Drew would drop me off at home and leave.
But when he pulled up at my house an hour ago, he ordered me to stay right where I was until he came around to help me out of the car, and then he walked me to the door, his hand on my back the entire time.
Once he got that far, he just strolled his way inside.
One second he was talking my ear off about a new sourdough recipe he was dying to try and the next he was taking my hand and guiding me to my own stairs, telling me my teal living room accent wall was so fucking cool, and to take the shower I mentioned wanting when we were in the car.
Then he asked me if I preferred to rest on the couch or in bed and what my non-coffee drink of choice was.
It all happened too fast for me to process, and I suspect that was exactly his plan.
Which is why I’ve been hiding in my bedroom for the last fifteen minutes since I got out of the shower, hoping he would get the hint and go far, far away so I can die of pain and embarrassment in peace, without the sexy football player watching my demise.
“Are you alive in there? Do I need to come rescue you? I took a CPR class once, forever ago. My chest compression skills are rusty, but it’s probably like riding a bike, right? And I’ve already kissed you once, so the mouth to mouth won’t even be awkward at all.”
Despite my current state of not awesome and potentially bleeding everywhere, my body flashes hot at the reminder of the kiss. “Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?” I grumble, loud enough for him to hear me through the door as I push up from the bed and yank on shorts and a T-shirt.
I don’t have to have x-ray vision to know the asshole is grinning.
“I’m acquainted with the concept and I’m also a gentleman.
” He pauses, as if he’s rethinking his words.
“Sometimes,” he finishes, and I have to work to suppress the snort.
“But this is one of those times, so I’m knocking to check on you and make sure you’re still alive, and also to tell you dinner is ready.
Lunch? A between lunch and dinner snack?
I’m not really sure, but you probably need to eat, and I kill in the kitchen. ”
Swiping the hairbrush I never quite got around to using from my dresser, I yank the door open before he finishes talking.
Drew gives me that same slow perusal from earlier today. “Nice shirt,” he says with a smirk, his eyes landing on my pink Lawyers Do It In Their Briefs T-shirt.
I shrug. “I like a good lawyer pun,” I say, sailing past him as nonchalantly as I can manage, pretending I’m totally fine with all of this.
Everything is definitely fine.
So completely fucking fine.