Chapter 37 #2
But since I can’t do that, I do this. I hold her tightly to me and touch every part of her I can reach, kissing her forehead and her cheeks and telling her over and over in whispered words that she’s perfect just the way she is.
The most beautiful woman in the world. The only woman I have ever wanted.
Will ever want. My twin flame. The missing piece of me.
I love you, I say with every stroke of my hand over her hair and down her back.
You’re mine, I try to convey every time I tighten my arms around her, holding her to me in an unspoken promise never to let go.
You’re safe right here with me, I whisper with every press of my lips to her skin.
And when her tears slow, her body no longer shaking, she tips her head up, eyes puffy and cheeks flushed with the effort of her crying jag.
She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, and the wave of possession and tenderness that sweeps through me is fierce as I cup her face in my hands, using my thumbs to wipe away the lingering tears, pressing my lips to her forehead one more time and breathing her in.
Mine.
“I’m sorry,” she mutters, leaning her forehead against mine. “Crying after sex is really fucking weird.”
“No, baby,” I say, tipping her chin up with my thumbs so she’s looking at me.
“Don’t apologize. Not to me and definitely not for this.
You had an emotional day, and what just happened between us was intense.
You put every feeling you have right here with me.
Safe, remember?” I say quietly, pressing kisses to her cheeks, and this time, I say the words out loud. “You’re safe right here with me.”
Caitlin exhales a shuddery breath, and I can feel her muscles uncoil, the way she gives herself over to the comfort I’m desperate to provide.
“It’s stupid,” she says with a shrug, relaxing into the circle of my arms. “The doctor didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.
Or, at least, anything I didn’t already suspect and what she had already all but confirmed.
Endometriosis. Stage three. The details are less important right now, but basically, I had organs attached to each other where they definitely shouldn’t have been and scar tissue in places scar tissue absolutely shouldn’t be.
The surgeon cleaned up as much of it as she should, but surgery isn’t a cure, and since no cure exists, it’s going to come back at some point, and I’ll have to do this all over again.
Another surgery. Another recovery. And as a fun little bonus, an ultrasound confirmed I have something else called adenomyosis which is why I bleed so much, so frequently. ”
Caitlin sits up, turning to face me, eyes desperately sad.
“I thought it would be a relief to know for sure,” she says quietly.
“I’ve had doctors dismissing my pain since I was a teenager, making me think I was the crazy one, like feeling this way is the cost of existing as a person with a uterus.
They said I should have been able to handle it like everyone else does, and I believed them, even though I knew nothing about the way I felt was normal.
And now I know. I know it wasn’t normal.
I know I wasn’t making it up in my head.
I know it was real. It was real,” she says forcefully, her fingers curling tightly around mine.
“It is real. I have the pathology results to prove it, but nothing about it is a relief. A chronic disease, the doctor called it. Something I’ll be dealing with for the rest of my life in one way or another.
If I ever want to get pregnant one day, I’ll probably need expensive and painful fertility treatments to do it, and even then, there’s no guarantee it’ll work.
A hysterectomy can take care of the bleeding, so, add that to the list of surgeries that may be in my future, but even that won’t fix the fact that my uterine tissue likes to grow in places it doesn’t belong.
It’ll keep doing that for a long fucking time unless they also take my ovaries to stop my body from producing estrogen, which means I could be looking at hormone replacement therapy since then I’ll be in menopause and who wants to go through that at twenty-seven? ”
Caitlin blows out a breath, wrapping the blanket tighter around her.
“I’m not relieved. I’m just tired. I’m so fucking tired, and I have no idea what to do next.
Maybe laying all this right at your feet is too much, but I sobbed all over you after the best sex ever, so I thought maybe you had a right to know where my head is. ”
Reaching out, I tug Caitlin back between my legs and wrap my arms around her, soaking in the comfort of having her close. “Best sex ever, huh?” I ask, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
She laughs, settling deeper into my hold. “You were there. You know what that was.”
I close my eyes, breathing her in again, unable to get enough. “I think that was you showing me your whole self, scars and all, asking me to see you. To take you as you are. To love you.”
Caitlin stills in my arms as she absorbs those last words, tipping her head up to look at me. “And…do you?” she asks, the undeniable hope in her voice cracking my chest wide open.