12. Githany #4
Gator strokes my back. His low voice vibrates through my ribs. “There is no such thing as evil among demons. Energy, instinct, action, it’s all neutral.”
That word is like a dagger through my lungs. “Am I really a demon?”
My trio nods. “You can be our demon. If you choose.”
“Choose?”
“To fully accept yourself and leave the mortal version behind.” Gator hooks a talon beneath the final piece of flesh-colored skin that’s begun peeling away from my ribcage. He lifts it, gently, before retracting his hand.
“I feel so guilty. I don’t think I can live like this. The shame might eat me alive.”
“It won’t. Eating things alive is my job.” Gator winks at me.
I want to smile at the small joke. There’s too much sadness in me. “I don’t deserve to live.”
Hunt grips my upper arms. “The emotions overwhelming you are temporary. You can escape these feelings, all of them, for good.”
Madness points to the pale piece of skin. “Leave everything behind.”
Selfishness is all too tempting. Abandon my guilt for a life as a monster. If I don’t move away from these feelings, they will consume me. The look on my parents’ faces… “The sadness will stay behind too?”
They all nod. “Remove the last piece. Let go of it all.”
Madness wraps his hand around mine, lowering it until I have hold of the tattered piece. A tiny boost from the fighter I was before this night shoots courage through my veins. Without prolonging it, I rip the final pale piece of skin from my stomach.
My soul bursts.
The pieces hack at my throat and chest. Shards of emotion breaking free. They rip through my skin, tiny white pieces as bright as the moon and as sharp as glass. Sorrow and hopelessness vacate my body. Air squeezes from my tightening ribs. There’s an audible crack as each emotion is chiseled away.
Madness cackles. “Up they go. Away, away.”
Away, gone, I’m losing everything.
“Stop this,” I cry out. “I need to go back.” Fear more potent than anything my monsters instilled in me seizes my mind. I’m going to be obliterated. I won’t exist after this moment.
“It’s impossible to go back now. Let it go. Join us. Release yourself from the past.” I can’t tell whose voice it is. The words are stretched and distorted. “Trust us.”
Trust is a double-edged blade. How few I’ve trusted in my life.
“We’re still here,” they whisper. “We’re still yours.”
Something resembling trust caresses my feral mind. They are waiting for me to fight through this. My monsters. This—this is the only way I can truly have them.
I have to let it all go.
Burning, peeling. I’m flayed in the void.
My heartbeat alerts me to danger. To her.
When she appears, it’s like some death goddess rising from the darkness.
A mirror ripples before me. She looks as she did when she emerged from that game.
Midnight hair hangs over her face. Bony limbs twist and rise.
I’m choking on my fear, grabbing at my throat in an attempt to breathe. She reaches a hand out.
Backing away sends me falling. I drop into the abyss, my memories flashing past me on either side. The darkness beneath me is endless.
My many victims’ screams blare. One after another, I hear them as they die. Some part of me is dying too. “Help.” “Please stop.” “Save me.” Over and over I’m forced to hear and see and say, all while I plunge deeper into the eternal black. Guilt shackles me. The weight of it drops me faster.
“I’m a murderer.” The words are vicious, blistering as they tear free from my throat. “I’m a monster. I’m a monster. I’m a monster.”
Refusing to fall any longer, I reach out my hand. She takes it.
We are a monster.
Her grip sinks beneath mine, infiltrating my cells. My uncertainty crumbles, snapping against my teeth as it exits my body. A chill creeps through me, starting at my toes and rising higher. Cold turns to comfort.
A burst of air swells in my lungs, then rushes out, leaving me gasping and breathless. My vision doubles as two sets of eyes merge. Two sets of thoughts entangle. Two soulless beings unite.
A clearer awareness than I knew existed settles upon my thoughts. Like glitter dusting my mind, the guilt and terror brush away. A moment of peace brings a genuine smile to my face.
Sparkling in the pitch black, a tiny bit of light floats before me.
My cupped hands draw it in. So bright and wondrous.
The last piece of my soul. How fragile a thing it is.
I stroke it, my fingertip tingling in its wake.
“You no longer have a place here,” I whisper.
It blinks. A dying star. I have to let it go.
Goodbye.
I smash it like a firefly between my palms. The light snuffs out. My hand pulses, then calms. A hollowness that empties me entirely takes the place of everything I’ve ever felt.
Opening my eyes is like staring at the constellations underwater. It takes a while to focus. Hands are on me. Voices praising and consoling. Madness’s words settle in as truth. I am more myself than ever before.
The hollowness thrums, drawing my attention to something new and all-consuming.
There is one thing I desire above all else. A need I cannot ignore.
The need for souls.