Chapter Eight
The evening shift had gone so slowly.
With Dennis huddled up on the table next to the open fire with Janet and Brin, their heads bowed close in hushed conversation, Matt had had a lot of time behind the bar with Robyn. When, at one point in the middle of the evening, she had slid a tentative arm around his back, he had linked his fingers with hers and stood with them resting there on his hip. It had been at once a comfort and an added confusion. His body had reacted, as it always did, with the immediate hope that this would be the time their touch would lead to a bigger physical connection, and he had had to move away to hide the evidence of it. Clearly not understanding the reason for the sudden pullback, and with him unable to voice the embarrassment of it, Robyn had taken to polishing the empty tables with a vigour that was likely to bring them back to rough wood.
This afforded Matt far too much time to think.
His dad had mentioned earlier that day that he wanted a big Christmas party, the likes of which hadn’t been seen in the old place since mam’s passing. He wanted it all decorated the way Noelle used to do it, and the whole of the two villages invited. A good, old-fashioned knees up he’d said, and Matt had had to muster an enthusiasm he didn’t feel in order to respond positively. It sounded like a lot of work and expense, and it wasn’t only his energy reserves that were dwindling. Nevertheless, Matt had promised to make it happen and the smile his dad rewarded him with made the effort worth it.
Then there was Robyn, and the guilt he’d felt waking up in her bed that morning. So cosy, their legs entwined like any other couple, except they weren’t in that kind of relationship at all and the stark reality of that hit him hardest in those cold hours when reality seems far too real. No, Matt wasn’t proud of disappearing off like a thief in the night when he woke at dawn and had to physically restrain himself from reaching for her and tucking her closer into his body. The sweet peace on her face as she slept, the opposite to his own sour feeling that he had unwittingly used her.
Matt knew that Robyn’s compassion came from their lifelong friendship, a connection which he so badly needed. But he also knew that he was being incongruous by letting her believe that was his only reason for staying with her last night. What he needed was one thing, what he wanted was so, so much more.
He was taking from her without being truthful and that didn't sit well with him. But what would the honesty cost him?
Despite taking longer than usual to lock up and waiting until he was sure she must be sound asleep before padding down the corridor to her room, Matt found Robyn wide awake and waiting for him. He hadn’t intended to end up in her bed again, had simply wanted to see her in peaceful slumber once more before leaving quickly to go back to his own room – at least that’s what he told himself, truthful or not – but when she said nothing, simply opened the blanket in silent invitation, Matt knew he was done for.
Following Robyn’s lead, he snuggled down into her, allowing her to stroke his hair and kiss his head as she whispered words of reassurance and comfort. As much as he couldn’t face the conversation that was pending, neither could he bear the feeling of being a fraud. Yes, he was upset about his dad. Yes, it had brought up a grief that at any given time lay buried just beneath the surface, but that wasn’t the main reason for wanting to feel her touch. Her hot breath against his face, her soft hands on his scalp.
It was now or never, and his future, their shared future, was on the line.
“Ruby?”
“Mhm,” she paused her ministrations and shuffled down so that their eyes – and lips – were on the same level.
“I, ah, thank you.” It was a start.
“No need. Look at what you’ve given me, a home, a job…”
“Is that the only reason you’re…”
“What? Of course not,” she pulled back slightly, this was not going as he’d hoped, “you’re my, my best friend and I love you. You know that.”
He sighed and scrubbed a hand across his mouth, unsure what to say next. Knowing he needed to man up, but frozen in the same way he’d found himself so many times when the resolve to admit his feelings had left him cornered like this. He only had himself to blame that he’d not done it sooner.
They looked at each other for a moment, a small frown marring her forehead and he unhappy to know he’d put it there.
Take two.
“Robyn, I, ah, love it when you touch me.” Woah! What the heck was that? He tried desperately to backtrack, but she wouldn’t let him, “I mean, I, ah…”
“And I love touching you,” she reached her index finger up to his temple and drew a soft line from there, along his cheekbone, pausing at the corner of his mouth before continuing down to his chin.
Matt felt his whole body shudder in response, his breath becoming more laboured as his face seemed to heat in every cell she’d touched.
“You do?” It came out gruffer than he’d intended.
“Umhm,” her finger continued its tantalising descent, now tracing his collar bone above the top of his t-shirt.
“And why is that? Do you think?” This time the sentence came out on a squeak and Matt felt embarrassment flood his face.
“Can you feel the electricity? The little sparks that jump between us wherever we have that skin to skin connection?” Robyn asked, her own cheeks heated in the dim glow of her reading light.
“Yes.”
She took his hand now with the one not currently massaging the back of his neck, drawing it up to cup her cheek and cradling it with her own right there against her face, leaving him unable to say more than that one word.
“So do I. I never noticed it until recently, but now… now it’s all I can think about,” she licked her lips and stared right at his mouth, angling her face even closer.
Matt knew he should do the gentlemanly thing and pull back. Vocalise his feelings rather than letting them play out with their bodies so close and touching one another like this, but there was nothing he could do in that moment other than follow where she led.
With his hand still cupping her cheek and hers lost in the back of his hair at his nape, he leaned into the tiny space between their bodies, quashing any air and with it any chance of slowing this down.
“Ruby, may I?” He looked at her mouth and back to her eyes, which scorched a path back to him.
She nodded and waited expectantly, her hand in his hair stilling, the air around them charged…
And he froze.
Matt’s face was halfway to her mouth, his body ready to seal the deal, when his mind got in the way again. Thoughts of his own lack of experience, inadequacy, worry of being compared and found lacking, it all swarmed in to leave him breathless for all the wrong reasons. He felt ashamed to leave her wanting but everything felt like it was crashing down on him, smothering him.
How could a simple kiss be this hard? He wondered.
Because with Robyn and him, it was never going to be just a simple kiss.