Chapter 20
The Family You Made
Noah
I woke up refreshed and with a clear mind.
In other words, the absolute opposite of how I’d assumed I’d start the day of my parents’ funeral.
Part of that was due to the time with Jules before I went to bed.
Damn, I knew from her books what her romanticized version of sex was, but that was something different for me.
The connection I already felt with her was why it was another level, but I also knew that as we got to know each other, our connection would grow.
I couldn’t imagine how what we’d shared could be improved upon, but I was happy to find out.
As for the funeral, thanks to Jules, Mary, and Barry—loved that their names rhymed—this day was planned, and I wasn’t stressed about the actual event. How I felt about it had varied as the week unfolded. Mainly, if I was being honest, I wanted it to be over.
There was some work to do with a therapist. After talking to both Mary and Jules the past week, I was realizing there was part of my younger self that felt I had somehow failed my parents. If I was really examining Past Me, I even felt that to an extent after college when I chose to go to Africa.
Jules and I had talked during the week when scheduling the minister, and I realized I had quite a bit of repressed resentment.
It came up when we picked the pastor from the local church my parents had attended weekly without fail.
I told Jules that the mindfuck I had struggled with all my life was that there were people like my mother and father who purported to be Christian but also behaved in a way that was so far from Christ it wasn’t even funny.
I could look back now and realize that if we wanted to look at what all those kind Sunday school teachers had taught me about Jesus growing up, not the example my parents and their friends had set, I had actually been following what they’d said Christianity was supposed to stand for in giving back by working in Africa.
It was my parents who had lost their way, and that gave me a measure of comfort, which was something I clearly needed to unpack a bit more and likely with a professional.
I think the final straw of my relationship with my mother and father was when they turned their back on their grandchild. Addie was all that was pure and good about the world—I’d known that before she was even born. All children are. For them to make that choice spoke volumes.
How I couldn’t realize I’d been a kid too and deserved more than I’d been given was something I’d have to process in the future when I wasn’t dealing with everything else currently swirling around.
But I’d face that back in Highland Falls, where I felt at home.
A tug at my heart made me think of Addie.
I rubbed a hand over Ellie the Elephant in the front seat with me.
I’d promised my kindhearted daughter I’d bring it today in case I was sad.
I’d told Ivy and Jake I didn’t want her to have to be here—this was too depressing for a child to have to deal with.
Addie was lightness and good; I didn’t want her tainted by any of the negativity that was her grandparents even if this set had never met her and now never would.
“You ready?” Jules asked, popping her head in the open window of my vehicle.
I’d parked us a bit away from the graveside, knowing I’d need to get my thoughts in order by myself rather than sitting right there as we waited for the time to begin.
Jules had offered to go over and make sure everything was set with Mary and Fred, who’d insisted on being here for me as well.
Once we were close to time, she said she’d come back for me.
The gratitude I had for them all was overflowing.
I nodded and decided to leave the windows down for the spring breeze to continue to fill the car while we were gone.
As I stepped out of the vehicle, Jules held out a hand to me and I took it.
I looked her over, not sure if she’d had a fitted long-sleeved black T-shirt dress with her or bought it somehow during the week, but it was perfect for her.
I couldn’t imagine Jules in the superficial world of my parents and loved that she was who she was, even in this.
Taking a deep breath, we started walking through the headstones toward the blue tent set up over the chairs.
My heart pounded the closer we got. I had zero desire to do this and, if not for Jules and Mary, I don’t know that I could.
I felt untethered, alone, but Jules’s hand in mine reminded me I wasn’t.
Even so, to know that the only family I had left in the world was Addie was a sobering thought.
My parents had both been only children. My stomach turned, and I wished like hell I could be surrounded by loved ones on a day like this rather than the superficial asses who would be here to kiss up to my parents even in death. The day couldn’t be over quick enough.
We got closer to the columbarium where the urns would be stored, and the folks gathered came into view. I froze. I looked from the backs of the crowd to Jules, who was waiting patiently beside me, then back to the waiting group. Before I could say anything, Addie’s voice rang out over the cemetery.
“Daddddyyyyyyy,” she called, racing toward me, her arms outstretched as her neon-pink tutu flowed out around her black leggings.
Her blond hair had an assortment of rainbow clips in it, and her navy shirt had a rainbow and flowers decorating the front.
I let go of Jules’s hand so that I could lean down and grab her when she made her flying leap.
“Hey, pumpkin.” Tears sprang to my eyes as I held her close—just the weight of her in my arms settled my heart and centered me.
She put both her hands on my cheeks and pushed them together to make the “fish lips” that she loved. She gave me a smacking kiss and then appraised me with a serious expression. “Did Ellie help you?”
Oh, my heart. This child had it. “Yes, baby. Thanks for sending her with me. She’s taken good care of me this week and is waiting for me in the car.”
“Addie.”
I looked over to see Ivy waving and calling our daughter back, I’m sure wanting to make sure she wasn’t in the way. I let Addie down to run back to her mom and looked to Jules with confusion.
“I thought Ivy and I decided Addie was too young for this.”
Jules smiled. “You decided that because you didn’t want to put anyone out. Ivy disagreed and I had to side with her.”
I looked over the crowd. Addie’s presence had surprised me, but if I’d stopped to think about it, I should have predicted it. What really had shaken me, besides the strong sense of the rightness of Addie being here, was who else had shown up.
Ivy’s parents were there, talking to Ivy and Addie with zero warmth, but for them it was more than they usually did.
There were a few folks from my dad’s firm.
But that was only a small handful of the gathering.
The rest of the crowd was filled with people from Highland Falls.
Jesus, there were Jake, Ivy, and Addie, of course.
But also in attendance were Max and Emma, Sully and Maggie, Drew and Kate, Logan and Allyson, Levi and Maeve, Lou and Verdell, and even more that I couldn’t see their faces, but they were all talking in groups.
I looked to Jules, speechless and powerless to stop the tears that were now spilling down my cheeks. “What… I mean… Why are they here? How did they know?”
Jules wrapped her arms around me and rose up on her toes to speak into my ear. “Your family wanted to be here.”
I looked at her in confusion. “You mean Addie?”
She squeezed my waist and met my eyes. “No, I mean the family you’ve made.” She gestured to the Highland Falls friends in front of us.
Yep, that did it. I was not going to survive this. I let the tears continue to flow as Jules led me through the throng to the front row of chairs. I felt hands squeeze my shoulders as we passed the folks from Highland Falls. Finally I reached our spot.
Mary and Fred were there, as I’d asked them to be.
Mary gave me a tight hug, Fred a quick handshake.
Jules and I sat, and before I could nod at the minister to begin, Addie came forward to climb onto my lap.
Wrapping my right arm around her waist, left hand threaded with Jules’s, I gave him the signal.
Several hours later, I weaved through my parents living room, looking for Ivy.
I’d passed a collection of the women from Highland Falls all gathered near food in the dining room and thought I’d find her there, but no.
Jules had said she thought she’d seen her on her phone on the deck, so that was my current direction.
Jules and Addie had been curled up on the couch in the living room, though it was looking far less formal than anytime I’d been here before.
The first hour after the service had been what I’d feared—stuffy and pretentious people from my parents’ life coming to give their condolences with comments about how maybe I’d look for more appropriate work now that I’d have the cushion of my parents’ money to relocate or some bullshit such as that.
Luckily, Jules had stayed glued to my side and steered every conversation in another direction, usually getting the jackasses to talk about themselves, which was their preference anyway.
Now? It was only friends from Highland Falls left along with some of the staff.
Shoes were kicked off, people were lounging around and talking.
Someone had brought a speaker, and music was playing.
Addie’s art supplies were spread out over a ridiculously pricey coffee table, which had she been alive, would have given my mother a heart attack.
Glancing through the windows overlooking the deck and lake, I saw Ivy leaning against the rail and talking on her cell. Before I could move out there to catch her, Mary put a hand on my arm.