Chapter 25
Now
‘Will, no offence but I’m really not in the mood to give you a hand with fixing your tractor, or hosing down any cows.’ I groan as I trek behind him, dragging my feet in the gravel.
‘I’m going to just pretend you didn’t say that.’ He pauses briefly to place a hand on his chest, offended, before resuming his break-neck pace that leaves Lizzie and I practically jogging.
Ironically, the day is beautiful. The only traces left of storm Brenda are a few little puddles along the driveway.
If it weren’t for the fact that I can see my breath as I walk, I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking this was the blue sky of a spring day.
The farms are quiet this time of year – the animals are in their sheds, the winter fields are drilled, and a sense of calm settles on the place. Today doesn’t feel like that, though.
I hear their voices before I see them. Will guides us around to the treehouse where a crowd has gathered. Freya is always the loudest one in any group, and it doesn’t take me long to pick her out, alongside Ash, and Oscar.
‘What’s going on?’ I turn to Will, but he only gives me a menacing smile.
‘Is that my dad?’ I ask, already knowing full well that it is.
He’s standing next to Dave Thorogood, nodding and chatting away as though he’s been here all along.
I hadn’t realised how much I missed him until I see him here, grinning from ear to ear, completely unchanged from happier days.
Freya, pausing in her conversation long enough to notice me, rushes over to pull me into a hug. ‘Look at this place! How exciting!’
‘What are you doing here?’ I must be dreaming.
I look between my friends, then to Mum, who is standing next to my Dad for the first time in months.
They both look actually happy to be together again, as they hang out around my childhood treehouse.
I can only stare at Freya perplexed. My heart feels full, and I rub at my eyes wondering if this is all real.
Maybe a stray tree branch, loosened by storm Brenda, had actually knocked me out last night and all of this is some sort of hallucination.
Either way, real or not, this is the first time I’ve felt whole in weeks.
Looking past the array of familiar faces, I notice they’re all gathered around something.
Ribbons wrap around the branches of the tree, and photographs are pinned to the trunk the whole way up until you reach the treehouse, and that too has been decorated with fairy lights and draped with fabrics.
For the first time I see Jacob, stood as far up the tree as he can get, smiling down at the scene below like some angel admiring his divine work.
‘Nice to see you too.’ Freya shoves me by the shoulder before squeezing me tight in her embrace again. ‘Jacob invited us,’ she says, wiggling her eyebrows. ‘All the trains were cancelled in that freak storm, but your dad saved the day. Drove us all here in the early hours.’
‘But what for?’ I’m still perplexed, my mind unable to catch up with all of these new events that have been thrown a me.
‘Well, we came for your exhibition. But obviously, that didn’t go to plan with the whole flood and mud thing, so here we are.
’ Freya pulls me towards the tree so I can see more clearly.
Photographs of costumes, of Granny, of my work, cover nearly every knot and knoll.
‘I think he salvaged what he could from the mud and a few of his own bits, and brought the exhibition home to you instead.’ She nudges me again, wrapping herself around my arm to look at me with her dreamy eyes that only ever suggest one thing.
One of the photos is of Will, Jacob, Alfie, and Callum, all styled with skinny scarves, plastic high heels and a couple of tiaras: the first fashion show I ever directed.
I had swept the whole barn and lined the catwalk with bales of hay and forced all of the boys to dress up while Lizzie took photos on Jacob’s camera.
They pretended to hate it, but their struts and twirls said otherwise.
Most of these other photos I’ve never seen before.
Many of them are of me through the years, but there are also ones of Granny, the garden, the treehouse, of the very same exhibition we set up yesterday that no one saw but us.
Every single one of these photos was taken by him, in moments of silent observation, and he’s done all of this for me.
Searching for him, I’m pulled in every direction as Oscar and Ash call my name, Sian and Dave clap me on the shoulder to congratulate me, and Alfie hands me a photo he’s plucked off the tree.
It’s of himself when he was seven years old, and I had dressed him up in an outfit that makes him look like an extra out of Bridgerton, if they all wore plastic top hats and jackets sewn by an eight-year-old.
Sidestepping him and his grumpy pout, I slip away to find Jacob, who is no longer among the tree’s branches.
My heart is pounding in my chest. He’s done all of this, for me.
He’s taken all of these pictures, developed them, for ten years.
He’s captured my whole life here on camera, without me ever even noticing.
And above all else, he’s brought everyone here, my two lives woven together in this moment, and it all seems to slot together perfectly in a way I could never imagine before.
I need to thank him. I need to throw my arms around him, I need to—
‘Ava!’ Pen calls from across the field as she joins us all late.
‘This looks amazing! I’m sorry I’m late.
I hope you don’t mind, but I brought Mrs Hill from your photography class.
’ She leans a little closer. ‘I think it’s a lovely idea from Jake, but I figured you’d still need that little bit of extra credit from her for uni, so we might as well make the most of what he’s done. ’
Why does she have to be so bloody perfect?
‘Thank you, Pen. Really … thank you so much.’ I clutch her by her hands and she gives me a wink, before taking Mrs Hill on a tour of the treehouse.
‘It looks like I don’t need to ask how you’re settling in up here.’ Dad finds me catching my breath for a moment. As he looks around at the spectacle with such a soft look of pride, I could almost be convinced that he was about to cry.
‘I’ve missed you.’ He pulls me in close and I bury my face in his shirt.
‘I’ve missed you too. Thank you for coming all this way. And for bringing all of those guys – I know it can’t have been the most peaceful journey.’ Dad and I chuckle together as we watch Freya talk the ear off of Sian Thorogood, who can only nod to keep up with her.
‘Ava, you know you only have to ask, and I’d be here in a flash. Just because me and your mum aren’t together any more, doesn’t mean we can’t both be in your life.’
I smile sadly at him, unable to find the words to respond.
Mum wanders up behind me and squeezes me by the shoulders, planting a wet kiss on my cheek. ‘So proud of you.’ Then she turns to Dad and places her hand on his back as naturally as she’s ever done. ‘Could you ever imagine that we could make two humans that are so brilliant, eh?’
‘You guys don’t have to pretend that everything is okay, you know,’ I mutter. ‘I’m not a kid any more.’
Dad smiles and shakes his head. ‘Whether you like it or not, you and your brother will always be our babies.’ He pinches my cheek like he used to when I was younger.
‘I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but things aren’t not okay, Ava.
Me and your mum both realised that our priorities were all in the wrong places.
Hell, you’re going to university next year, and this is the first exhibition of yours that I’ve ever been to.
We both worked too much, we both lost ourselves and each other thinking that we were making a good life for you kids, not realising that we were only making it worse. ’
‘We could have all moved together.’ I feel like a child, calling out for Mum and Dad in the middle of the night after a nightmare.
Mum speaks next, her brave face slipping away in favour of genuine confidence.
How have I not noticed that that’s what she’s been trying to hide?
‘Sometimes, we have to let things go. They hurt in the moment, but you realise that in the long run, that loss is the only thing that can make your future a happy one. I’ll always love your dad.
But we’re both happier now. And I hope one day you’ll realise you are too.
Look at all of this Ava.’ She points to the mob around the tree.
‘You’re going to be just fine, wherever you go. ’
I hug them both tightly, and they wrap their arms around me and each other.
It suddenly clicks for me – they’re both in a better headspace.
Despite Dad’s early morning taxi services to my friends, the dark circles around his eyes have cleared, he looks well rested, his hair is neatly cut, his face freshly shaven.
Dad doesn’t look anything like the version of him we left in London a few months ago. He looks happy.
Maybe Mum didn’t break his heart. Maybe she didn’t rip a hole in this family.
Maybe if she’d waited that year longer, both of them would be past the point of return.
Catching a glimpse of her, I notice for the first time that she too seems brighter, less tired, more in tune with herself and the world around her.
She excuses herself to go off and chatter away to everyone, not once letting her smile slip, but I know this one is genuine.
It still hurts. But maybe they’re right; maybe all of this will be worth it in the end.
‘Well Miss Matthews, I have to say, you get points for originality. Can’t say I’ve ever had to climb a tree to do my marking before, but here we are.
’ Mrs Hill chuckles to herself as she taps her Biro against her chin.
We’re standing at the periphery of the group that has gathered, and the mingling of my London life and farm life seems to carry on just fine without me.
‘I know it is not your original plan, but I’m impressed. ’
‘I need to confess something.’ Her bushy eyebrows sink under her glasses. ‘None of the photos are mine, they’re all taken by Jacob. Mine were ruined in the storm. I’m grateful you’re here, but I can’t accept this as my grade for photography.’
Mrs Hill cackles, and the abrupt noise makes me jump.
‘I know it’s all Thorogood. I’ve been familiar with his work for a while now – the style he has is something of a marvel.
But you forget I am also here because of your fashion A-level.
I have been in touch with your tutor back in London after you gave me her details, and she has given me the authority to look at your work and send her my thoughts ahead of your final course work grading.
I’ve taken plenty of photos for her to cross reference, but it is all looking in tip-top shape to me.
You should have nothing to worry about, Miss Milan.
’ Sliding her glasses back up her nose, she walks back across the field and out of sight. ‘Cheerio!’
I can only take a moment to blink and absorb all of this. All hope for my future, it seems, is not lost.
Pen watches on from the side, her hands clasped together in genuine happiness. Sucking in a deep breath, I finally find the nerve to approach her. ‘I need to thank you,’ I say. ‘I really don’t know how I can repay you.’
‘Don’t be silly, that’s what friends are for!’ She smiles, and my gut gurgles.
‘But I haven’t been a good friend to you.’ The sight of her now, looking so genuine, so kind, makes the guilt from my feelings eat me alive.
‘You mean about Jake?’ she replies without hesitation.
I nod, too ashamed to speak. Have I been that obvious?
‘Me and Jake aren’t together. Not any more,’ Pen says. ‘To be honest, I don’t even think you could say we were in a relationship, not properly anyway. We’d only really hang out in the group, but I think we were mostly together because we were both lonely.’
‘I don’t understand?’ I shake my head, unable to comprehend what she’s telling me. I’ve seen them together. I’ve watched them embrace. For years.
Pen curls her lip in a sad smile, not like her usual cheery self. ‘I wanted us to be together, but I don’t think his heart was ever in it. We gave it a go a couple of times, but it’s hard getting a guy to love you when he’s already in love with someone else.’
I open and close my mouth, trying to find something to say, but no words come through.
Pen just chuckles. ‘Yes, I mean you, Ava. Since you came back, I tried to make it all work, but it was never going to happen. That night you saw us in the treehouse … he was calling the whole thing off. For good.’
‘But—the Halloween party?’ I mumble out loud, though I doubt she has any idea what I’m referring to.
If he had split up with her then, why didn’t he correct me when I confronted him about having a girlfriend?
Why would he still insist we were friends if he left her because of his feelings for me?
My brain throbs in my skull, and I have to rub my temples to try and relieve some tension.
‘I don’t know what happened then, but he’s a confusing boy, that’s for sure.’
For the first time in the years of knowing her, she has a genuine sadness cloud her face and I pity her.
‘I’m so sorry, Pen.’ Behind her confidence and her beauty, she’s been a real person, caught in the middle of all this messiness.
Part of it is my fault, but I also know all too well how much a heart broken by Jacob Thorogood hurts.
‘It’s my fault. I should have run far away after our first break up, when he first told me he liked you as more than a friend.
But I had always just hoped that one day, he might feel just a fraction of what he felt for you for me.
I was jealous of the way you’ve always been each other’s favourite person.
I’ve never had that, and I realise that I’m not going to if I keep trying to cling to Jake.
He’s a good friend, he always will be, but that’s all. ’
There’s too much to digest there. The first time they broke up? When did Jacob tell her he liked me? And if she’s always been jealous of me, the same way I have been of her …
‘Why would you help me?’ I can’t help but ask. ‘Why bring Mrs Hill? Why would you be so nice to me when I’ve done nothing at all to deserve it? Why not scream and cry, and pull my hair?’
Pen only laughs a weak, resigned laugh. ‘None of us can help who we fall in love with.’
I open my mouth to apologise again, but she places her slender hand on my shoulder and smiles, genuinely this time. ‘It’s sad, beyond measure, and it would probably be easier to hate you, but I don’t.’
With no words left that would be of any use, I wrap my arms around her in a tight embrace. She’s a better person than I could ever be. ‘Thank you, Pen.’