Chapter 4 #2
I took the photo from her and stared at the girl in the frame, the hopeful expression on her face. ‘Yeah, well, it was a long time ago.’
I let Victoria take the bed. She said she was happy to share, but I wasn’t used to sharing my space with anyone and Victoria’s presence, although flattering, made me feel uneasy.
There was something about her manner that was too familiar, too intimate, like she was daring me to cross a line I wasn’t sure I wanted to cross yet.
I couldn’t trust myself to lie so close to her, to feel her chest rise and fall beside mine, to have her hair spread across the pillow, mingling with my own.
I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I returned, Victoria was in her bra and knickers, sitting on the bed. She had headphones in and was flicking through my MP3 player. I coughed and tapped on the door, my door.
‘What are you doing?’
Victoria glanced up at me and smiled. ‘What did you say?’ she said, removing an earpiece.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Seeing what you’re into.’
‘Oh.’
She replaced the earpiece and returned to twiddling the dial.
I wanted her to stop, to stop touching and fiddling and looking through my things.
‘I’ve got pyjamas you can borrow, if you want,’ I said pointedly.
‘Hmm?’ she said, looking up.
‘I said I’ve got pyjamas you can borrow,’ more softly this time.
She pulled the headphones out and rolled up the wire. ‘Nah. I’m like a furnace at night.’
‘OK.’ I stood, lingering by the door, trying to look anywhere else but at the porcelain line of her tummy.
‘You’re a dark horse,’ she said, waving the MP3 player at me. ‘Lots of classical music.’ She slid it back inside the drawer. ‘I wouldn’t have expected that.’
I felt my cheeks redden. ‘Yeah, no, it’s dumb.’
‘Babe, I’m not criticizing you. I think it’s cool that you like your own thing.’
‘Oh, OK.’ I dumped the two cushions I’d nicked from the shared living area on the floor. ‘Err yeah, well, it helps me relax.’
‘Oh, absolutely. I get it. Me? I just love jazz,’ she said, sitting forward.
‘You do?’ I kicked my suitcase under the desk and pulled my thickest bath towel from the closet. ‘What kind?’
‘Just like’ – she thought for a moment – ‘just like general jazz.’
There was a pause.
‘Cool. Are you ready for bed?’
‘God yeah, I’m exhausted.’
I flicked the light switch and arranged myself on the floor. Victoria hitched her knees up and scooted down under the covers. She plumped the pillow with her fist and lay on her side to face me.
‘Well, this is cosy,’ she said in a low purr.
‘Yes,’ I replied, shifting my weight to try and get comfortable.
‘Are you sure you’re OK down there?’ she asked, dangling her arm from the bed and pawing at my shoulder.
‘Don’t worry about me.’
She lifted the covers a few inches. ‘There’s room, you know. If you’re cold.’
‘Honestly, I’m fine.’
‘Suit yourself,’ she said, curling into a ball. ‘So . . .’
‘So . . .’
‘Do you think your boyfriend will come and visit you in halls?’ she asked.
‘I don’t have a boyfriend.’
‘You don’t? I thought you said you did.’
‘No.’
‘A girlfriend?’
I buried my face in the cushion at the insinuation. ‘No.’
‘How come?’
I sighed. ‘I don’t know . . . I’ve just never really done all that.’ I paused. ‘What about you?’
‘Are you asking if I’m single?’
‘Yes.’
‘I mean, I guess so, yeah . . . I’ve not been with anyone for a while.’
I waited for her to continue, but she didn’t. I glanced over. She’d rolled away from me and was staring at the ceiling, her eyes glowing white in the darkness.
We lay in silence for a few minutes and I began to drift off.
‘Shannon?’
‘Yes,’ I replied, half asleep.
‘Can I ask you something?’ She sounded different, vulnerable all of a sudden.
‘Go on then.’
‘Are you a virgin?’ Is that what she said? Her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her.
I opened my eyes. There was only one answer, but I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to give it to her. ‘Yes,’ I said eventually, shifting to face her. ‘Are you?’
I watched her snuggle down deeper and then, after a moment, the imperceptible shake of her head.
I BOUGHT TWO COFFEES, two muffins and a fruit salad (in case that was her thing) from the cafeteria and climbed the stairs.
I hadn’t slept a wink. All night my mind had been racing, replaying every moment of the evening, wondering if I’d pitched myself right, if I’d given too much of myself away or not enough, whether she liked me.
When I re-entered the room, Victoria was dressed in her clothes from last night and picking through one of my still-to-be-unpacked boxes of books.
‘I didn’t realize you were awake,’ I said, placing the coffees on the desk.
‘You read a lot,’ she replied.
‘Err, yeah.’
She lifted a book out. ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People.’
I grabbed it from her and laughed – self-deprecatingly, I hoped. ‘There’s a lot of old shit in there. I just brought everything I could pack.’
‘I can see that,’ she said, raising an eyebrow. She picked out another. ‘Jane Eyre.’
‘Careful, there’re a couple of loose pages,’ I said, taking it from her. ‘It’s my favourite.’
‘I’ve never read it.’
‘I stole it from school. We had to do it in English,’ I said, gazing at the worn cover. ‘We had to read aloud for an assessment.’ I paused. ‘I was so shy. I don’t think I’d ever read aloud to anyone before that point.’
‘Ah, the burgeoning actress. Did you do well?’
I felt my cheeks go red. I placed the book back in the box. ‘Yes and no. I liked it, reading aloud, having all those people watching me. I didn’t expect to, but then, I don’t know . . .’
‘What happened?’
‘I got some weird feedback.’
‘What?’
‘It’s nothing.’
‘Go on.’
I sighed. ‘The teacher said I did really well, that I inhabited the character of Jane and everything, but at the bottom of the assessment page I could see he’d written something and then rubbed it out.’
‘What did it say?’
‘I’ve never told anyone this before.’
‘Go on, what did he write?’
I hesitated. ‘Face disappears.’
Victoria gave a bark of laughter. ‘Face disappears? What does that even mean?’
I hadn’t expected that response. It wasn’t funny, not to me at least. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what it means.’
‘That’s some cryptic bullshit.’
‘Yeah.’
‘What a creep.’
‘Yeah.’
Victoria picked up the book and flipped to a page where the corner had been folded down.
‘There is no happiness like that of being loved by your fellow creatures, and feeling that your presence is an addition to their comfort.’ She closed it.
‘Is that when you knew you wanted to act, reading Jane Eyre out loud to the class?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I don’t remember making a choice.’
‘Well, did you want to do it when you were a kid?’
‘Maybe. I can’t really remember. My childhood’s a bit of a blur.’ My hand shook as I prised the lid off my coffee. I didn’t want to think about that, not now, not in this new life. I sat on the edge of the desk. ‘What about you? When did you decide you wanted to be an actress?’
Victoria lay back on the bed and puffed out her cheeks. ‘Now there’s a question.’ She narrowed her eyes. ‘Well, I suppose I’ve always been a performer. I used to do dressage, ballet and piano. And then when I was eight, I was crowned May Queen in the nearby village. That was pretty cool.’
‘Did you get to wear a crown?’
‘I did!’ She sat up on her elbows. ‘And I had a sash and this big gold stick to wave around, which I enjoyed very much.’ She smiled to herself. ‘And then I think I was around eleven when I got my modelling agent.’
‘You had a modelling agent?’
‘Yes. I got scouted at a friend’s birthday party, in Pizza Express of all places.’ She rolled her eyes and grinned. ‘Oh, the glamour. Anyway, she got me my acting agent after that.’
‘Wait, you’ve had your agent since you were eleven?’
‘Yeah,’ she shrugged. ‘Well, I’ve had an agent since then. I’m with an adult one now obviously. I didn’t get much work when I was a kid. Although I did do this fizzy drink advert—’
‘What for?’
‘Believe me, you wouldn’t have heard of it. I think it got banned in the EU or something. There was a whole lawsuit. I’ve looked for it online, but I can’t find it anywhere. Anyway, then I played Marta in The Sound of Music, which was pretty cool.’
‘Where?’