Chapter 6
Six
I WAITED AT THE edge of the room next to a trestle table loaded with champagne and untouched cucumber and salmon sandwiches.
A woman in a purple scarf and headdress drifted past me in a cloud of lavender.
I caught her eye and gave her my comeliest grin, but she just pursed her lips at me, the poor unfortunate, and continued moving through the crowd.
Most of the audience left as soon as the curtain fell. I watched those who remained milling around the lobby, brochures tucked beneath their arms, clutching plastic flutes of fizz and fielding frantic interrogations from my classmates.
Lola was in the corner chatting with her agent.
He tittered at something she said, then led her towards a casting director he’d been eyeballing from across the room.
Archie told a group of guests a joke and the small trio erupted in fits of laughter.
Poppy was blocking the door and trying to chat to a man in a fedora who kept looking at his watch.
Stefano was talking one-to-one with the purple lady at the far end of the room.
Even Obi had found someone to talk to, despite what I’d put him through.
I hadn’t yet had the chance to apologize to him.
I did try to find him after we eventually got through the scene, but he’d already disappeared somewhere backstage.
I looked at the trestle table. Pink and watery green goo oozed from the edges of the as-yet-untouched sandwiches.
Maybe it was me. Perhaps I was putting the guests off their hors d’oeuvres.
I glanced at my watch. Ten minutes had passed and still no one had said a word to me.
Malcolm had briefly come over and, seemingly about to offer some words of comfort, laid a hand on my lower back.
But then he’d recognized an old chum of his from his rep days and veered off to reminisce with him instead.
Jolly sauntered over from where he’d been engaged in an animated five-minute conversation with someone who I recognized from one of the bigger agencies. He grabbed a flute of champagne and leaned against a column, near enough to me to be heard, but not so near as to be tarnished by association.
‘So,’ he said, ‘that was quite a performance.’
‘Yes.’ I reached for a glass. My hands were shaking. ‘Everyone did really well.’
‘No, not that. I meant your little meltdown out there.’ He knocked back his champagne in one gulp and reached for another. ‘The words what the fuck spring to mind.’
‘Jol, please—’
‘What the hell happened?’
‘Look, if you’ve come here to gloat then don’t bother. I’m not in the mood.’
‘Don’t be silly, I’ve not come here to gloat. Who do you think I am? I’m just concerned, that’s all. What happened? Did you forget your line?’
I shook my head. ‘No.’
‘Then what?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.’
Jolly raised his eyebrows. ‘O-kay.’
‘Look, I don’t really want to discuss it right now. Can we talk about something else?’
‘Fine.’
The crowd was starting to thin. Poppy was going from person to person with a manic look in her eyes, handing out business cards and recounting her skills in tap, ballet and modern jazz, before adding that she was more than happy to do professional nudity if the call came in.
‘So, did you speak to anyone yet?’ Jolly asked.
‘No. No one’s been over,’ I said, glancing across at Obi. He had a pen lid in his mouth and was taking down an agent’s phone number on a napkin.
‘But did you speak to them?’
‘No.’
Jolly rolled his eyes. ‘God, Shannon.’
‘What? I’m not going to throw myself at them after what just happened. Don’t you think I’ve embarrassed myself enough today?’
‘Come on, you’re overreacting. You only choked for, what, like ten seconds.’
Was that all? It felt like hours. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
Jolly fixed me with a look. ‘This is about Victoria, isn’t it?’
‘Go away, Jolly.’
‘You need to let it go.’
‘I’m not talking about this. Not now.’
‘You do realize there’s absolutely no point punishing yourself over what happened to her, right? It’s not like if things were the other way round she’d be fucking up her life for you.’
That stung. But he was right. She’d never cared for me as much as I had for her. I took a deep breath in. ‘Look, just because you’re pretending everything’s fine, doesn’t mean I have to as well.’
‘I’m not pretending anything, Shannon. I just know that we’re about to graduate, and I for one don’t want the last three years to be all for nothing. This is it for me. I either make it as an actor or I starve.’
‘Just leave me alone, Jol.’ I stared at the carpet, at its ugly swirling fronds. ‘I’ve got a lot going on.’
‘Like what?’ he said, prodding my side.
‘Like . . .’ I hesitated. ‘It’s not just Victoria. It’s Obi too. We were dating.’
‘Yeah. I know.’
‘You do?’
‘Of course, everyone knows.’ Jolly looked at me. ‘Oh, come on, Shannon. You’re hardly the best at keeping secrets.’
I chewed my lip. He had no idea. ‘Everyone knows?’ I said. ‘So – what, is everyone talking about it?’
Jolly shrugged. ‘Not really – it only lasted like, what, a couple of weeks? People have moved on. Which reminds me, apparently Archie shagged a second-year in the ground-floor disabled toilets. Lola said people could hear them in Corridor B, and one of the voice teachers had to knock and ask them to stop.’
‘Right,’ I said, hating the forced levity in his tone, the casual switch from my very real heartache to some random student gossip.
‘Anyway, I call bullshit.’
‘What?’
‘I call bullshit, on you and Obi. You’re over it. That’ – he gestured towards the auditorium – ‘whatever that was, was about Victoria.’ He paused. ‘You loved her, didn’t you?’
I felt my skin flush. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not . . . like that.’
‘Like what?’
‘A lesbian,’ I whispered.
‘I never said you were,’ Jolly replied. ‘But would that be the worst thing in the world? Who knows, maybe you’re a raging bisexual instead, greedy girl.’
‘I thought you said bisexuals don’t exist.’
‘Did I? Hmm, I say a lot of things.’ Jolly tossed his head back. ‘Look, to be honest, Shan, whatever you are, I don’t really care—’
‘Thanks—’
‘But, it’s obvious that, whatever did or didn’t happen between you and Victoria, her not being here any more is messing with your head.’ I tried to protest, but he put his hand up and continued. ‘And now I’m telling you this because you’re my friend—’
‘Can we not?’ I said, inching away from him.
He grabbed my shoulder. ‘Stop it. Stop trying to walk away from me. Jesus, Shannon, listen to me. I’m trying to give you a lifeline here.’
‘I don’t need a lifeline, I’m doing just fine.’
Jolly’s gaze hardened. ‘Really? Is that what you call it? Fine? Fine like talking to Victoria in the bathroom mirror when you think no one’s home? Fine like waking up in the night screaming her name? Is that what you call fine, Shannon?’
‘How did you—’
‘Listen to me, Shannon. It sucks. It hurts. I hurt every day, but you know what? I’m damned if I’m going to let it ruin my life.
’ He gestured towards the room. ‘Can’t you see that this is it?
The people in this room? They’re the gatekeepers.
We might never get the chance to meet these people ever again.
Soon we’re going to be out of here, bye-bye school, we’re going to be dumped out into the real world and expected to find work and do auditions and network and suck casting directors’ dicks, and if you can’t find work you’ll run out of money, and if you run out of money then you’ll have to go back home to your parents’, and I know, I know if you go back there then you’ll never come back to London again—’
‘Jolly—’
‘No, seriously, I’m not messing around. You’ll find some comforting little job in marketing or as a receptionist or whatever, and you’ll quit.
And that’s fine, that’s absolutely fine if that’s what you want to do, but I don’t think it is.
And look, I don’t usually say this stuff, but you’re too talented to waste what you have and so I’m telling you, I’m fucking telling you, Shannon, get your shit together, get help, get therapy, get drugs, get whatever you need soon, or you’ll regret it.
Stop feeling guilty about Victoria’s shitty, shitty death, and get out of your own fucking way. ’
‘Are you done?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good.’
‘Are you going to listen to me?’
‘Look, Jolly, why don’t you worry about your own stuff, yeah? And I’ll worry about mine.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Nothing. Just find an agent who knows how versatile you are. Be sure to let them know you can play gay and gay.’
Jolly’s jaw stiffened. ‘You’re more like her than you know.’
‘Thanks.’
He began walking away. ‘That’s not a good thing.’