42. Off His Chest
OFF HIS CHEST
Friday afternoon, Baker went back into his office and pulled his phone out.
The damn text from his mother earlier in the day was still eating through his stomach.
As if he didn’t have enough on his mind with Tasha and not hearing from her in a few days, his mother wanted to talk. She said it was important.
He’d put it off as long as he could because he was busy, and if it was an emergency, then Brittany would have followed up.
His mother answered on the second ring, “Baker. Thank God you called.”
He blew out a breath. “What’s going on?”
“It’s Dad. He’s depressed. I’m not sure how to handle this.”
He ground his teeth. “What is it you think I can do?”
“I don’t know,” his mother said, her voice almost pleading. “I’m trying everything I can think of. I’m making all his favorite foods but healthier. I’m letting him control our conversations. I don’t nag him when he comes in the door.”
“Mom,” he said. “Just stop. I mean it. That’s all the things you’re doing. What is he doing? Is he making any changes?”
The silence told him everything he needed to know. “He’s still processing this.”
“He’s had time,” he said. “Don’t make excuses for him. He’s not dying. He’s not sick. He doesn’t have cancer. There are medications and procedures. He’s struggling to pee. I get it. It might be uncomfortable.”
“The medicine is working,” his mother said. “I know it is. I hear him get up to pee at night and he’s going. Not starting and stopping. And he’s not going into the bathroom as often.”
“That’s all good news then,” he said. “What’s the problem?”
“I don’t know. I think maybe he’s depressed neither of his kids has asked how he is doing. This is serious.”
“To him it’s serious,” he said sarcastically. “When was the last time Dad reached out to me about anything?”
“Be the bigger person, Baker,” his mother pleaded. “Can’t you talk to him?”
He ground his teeth. Why the fuck not? He’d already told Tasha’s ex to man up, might as well do the same to the man who raised him too.
“Is he home or working?”
“He’s actually home right now. He took the day off.”
“Put him on. And, Mom, this is the last time I’m letting you guilt me into this. Just remember, you asked for this.”
“What does that mean?” his mother asked cautiously.
“Put Dad on,” he said again. “Or you’re losing this chance.”
“Connor. Baker wants to talk to you.”
“He does?” He heard his father’s voice as his mother moved through the house. The surprise was there. “Hi, Baker.”
“Dad,” he said. “Mom said you’re depressed.”
“I’m not depressed,” his father said, his voice almost short. “She won’t give me space. Good lord. You’d think I was dying or something.”
He squeezed his fist so tight, his knuckles turned white.
Typical of his mother to do this, but he was on the phone and talking to the guy and he was going to say what was on his mind.
“Well, she’s acting like you are. She’s worried and trying to help.”
“I get it,” his father said. “But she has to just give me space. I hate when she crowds me like this.”
“She cares,” he said. “Which is more than I might say for you. It’s your wife. The mother of your children. She’s been there for everything for you for years. Even when she shouldn’t have stayed. Even when I’ve offered to help her leave you, she stood by your side.”
“How dare you come between your mother and me!”
“I’m doing it because she is my mother and, as much as she might annoy me, it doesn’t mean I love her any less. Have the decency to treat her with respect or let her go.”
“She’ll never go,” his father mumbled. “And I don’t want her to. What is between us is that exactly. You’ve got no right to involve yourself in our marriage.”
“You’re right, I don’t. Maybe tell Mom that so she stops calling and telling me things that I don’t need to know. This is the last time I’m going to say a word about it to you. The last time I want to hear about it from her unless she’s finally ready to step up and do something for herself.”
He hung up after that.
He knew some of what he’d said crossed a line. He knew it wasn’t all fair.
But what he hated most was being forced into the role at all. A referee, mediator, an emotional crutch. None of it should have been his responsibility in the first place.
Yet he did it all willingly for Tasha.
“Knock, knock, knock.”
He glanced toward the doorway and found Jolene standing there.
Of all the people he didn’t have the patience for right now, she topped the list.
He forced a smile. “Hi, Jolene. I’m a little busy.”
Jolene let loose one of her famous grins, then her eyebrows wiggled. “Looks more like you just don’t have time for me.”
“That too,” he said, pushing out a short laugh as he stood.
Jolene stepped fully inside and closed the door behind her, trapping them in the space.
Without being an asshole, he knew he had to hear her out.
“I heard you on the phone,” Jolene said gently. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t like he’d tried to keep it quiet. If he’d wanted privacy, he would have shut the door. But he’d made the call on impulse, before thinking, before talking himself out of it. If he’d paused even a second longer, he never would have called his mother back.
And then he never would have talked to his father.
He’d gotten it off his chest. That had to count for something. Even if the relief was thinner than he’d expected.
“It’s fine,” he said. “It’s just family drama.”
“I’m not going to ask,” Jolene replied. “It’s not my business.”
“It’s not,” he agreed.
She studied him for a second, then said, “Do you remember when we talked about how mothers are always afraid of pushing their children away?”
“Yes,” he said cautiously.
“Well, mothers and wives, we do stupid shit too.”
He snorted. “You don’t say.”
“Oh, I say it and live it,” Jolene shot back without offense. “All the time. But there’s usually a reason.”
“And that would be?”
“We care,” Jolene said simply. “It always comes back to protection. Sometimes it’s protecting the people we love.
Sometimes it’s protecting ourselves.” She paused, letting the words settle.
“And sometimes it’s easier to hide our fear behind careless words.
Easier to let someone think we’re mad, or nagging, or crossing lines, than to admit we’re unsure, or scared, or doubting something that already hurts.
” She met his eyes, unflinching. “It’s easier to be blamed for what we know we did wrong,” she finished, “than for what we’re ashamed we might not be strong enough to face. ”
Damn it, he hated she was right. He hated even more that he was going to tell her and get that winning smug look, but it didn’t stop him either.
“I think you’re right about that. And maybe I’m wrong for not seeing that side of things.”
It had more to do with Tasha, than his mother.
More to do with the woman he loved, though he knew some of it had to do with his parents.
“Well, then. I’m glad I got someone to listen to me today.” Her chest puffed out proudly. “And you have a great weekend. See, I wasn’t really coming to see you, I was making my way to the production floor to steal a bottle of something fruity.”
“You have a great weekend too.” He looked at his watch, saw it was close to five, and said, “I’m going to head out myself.”
“Tell Tasha and Micah I said hi,” Jolene said, all but bouncing out of his office when she opened the door.
There was no way she knew what was going on. No one did at work. No one knew he hadn’t talked to Tasha in days, that the pain in his heart was growing as if a finger were in a hole swirling it around and enlarging it with each pass.
“I will,” he said, shutting down his laptop and grabbing it, then leaving the building.
He didn’t go right home. He went to Tasha’s.
They were going to talk because they needed to.
If she still wanted space, he might give it to her. But not without fighting first.
Not without telling her he’d said he’d be in her corner and that was what he was going to do. If she needed time to gather her thoughts. To figure out her future with Shane, he’d not step on her toes again.
He got to her house faster than he had thought. No time to think. No time to second-guess a thing.
He knocked and the door opened. She smiled as if she’d been waiting for him.
As if she knew he’d come, or she willed it.
“I saw you pull in and thought to myself, he read my mind.”
He moved in and went to give her a hug. To just hold her and tell her he was sorry they had fought. That he’d rather talk it out, but Micah came running full force.
“Bakeeerrrrrrr, play with me.”
He picked the toddler up, tossed him in the air and brought him on his hip. The sound of giggling made him feel as if everything was going to be okay.
Tasha wrapping her arm around his side said the same.
“We should talk.”
“Yes,” she said. “I was going to text you tonight. I want to start by saying I’m sorry.”
“So am I.”
She put her hand up for him to stop. “Let me speak first. Micah, do you want to watch cartoons? Mommy is going to start dinner.”
“You haven’t eaten yet?”
“I just got home a few minutes ago. I’ll explain.”
She took her son out of his arms and put him on the floor, then turned the TV on.
He went to the kitchen, out of the way, and waited.
“Go on,” he said. “Go first.”
“I talked to Shane today.”
He didn’t want to lose his shit that he hadn’t known that. “What happened?” he asked, his voice as flat as he could make it.
“I know you’re annoyed that you didn’t know. But you and I haven’t talked. He texted me last night that he wanted to meet today. It’s over with.”
“What is?” he asked.
“Everything.” She explained it all. That what he’d said to Shane made the asshole reevaluate his life and decide that there was no place in it for a child he didn’t know about weeks ago.
“When I found out you went there, I’ll admit I was ticked off, but then I realized I never told Shane what I really wanted.
If I had, this would have been over sooner. ”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“Because Madeline kept advising me to let the process work. I get it, she was doing her job, but I should have said what I was feeling. I should have done that with you too. Not tried to put a pretty face on my fears and insecurities. I knew you had a lot going on in your life and I didn’t want to drag you down with me. ”
“First off,” he said, reaching for her hand and threading their fingers together, “there is no dragging me down. And not that much is going on in my life. I can handle my parents and I did. I even talked to my father today.”
“You did?” she asked, the look on her face more surprised than he expected. “What happened?”
“I’ll get to that in a minute. Back to you. I was mad that you tried to say you needed space when I knew deep down what you needed was support. But if there is one thing I learned from my parents, it’s that you can’t force support if someone doesn’t want it.”
“And I’m not used to getting help from anyone,” she said.
“Least of all men. But when Shane told me what you’d said, I realized everything I’ve ever wanted in life was right here.
” She held his hand up with hers. “I had it in front of my face and yet I was pushing it away because I was afraid that what was going on in my life would only hurt you in the end. What I tried to do backfired.”
“It hurt you the same, didn’t it?” he asked softly. He released her hand, his fingers tracing the side of her face.
“It did. I’m sorry for everything. For my careless words. For my actions. For not being honest. Life is about ups and downs. But they are easier to navigate when you’ve got someone in your corner. I know I’ve got you, Baker.”
“You do. You always will.” He pulled her close, kissed her forehead, and said, “I love you. None of that is going to change. I promise you that. I’m seeing a future with you.
I feared you could see what I was feeling and you weren’t ready for it and rather than tell me, you just decided to find another reason, or an excuse for the space. ”
Just like Alexa had done. But he knew Tasha wasn’t Alexa.
And maybe hearing that his ex had gotten engaged was an itty-bitty trigger.
“I was seeing what you’re seeing. I knew you were too. But I wasn’t afraid of it. Not with you. I was more fearful that the more I fell in love with you, the harder it’d hurt if everything with Shane turned into another battle you’d have to take on. That it’d turn you away.”
“After our fight, I went to see him. Fighting doesn’t stop my love for you. Never think that.”
“I know it now.” She laid her head against his chest, the sounds of Micah laughing with the TV not that far away. “Can you tell me what happened with your father?”
He filled her in. What he said, what he was feeling, and the way the call ended. “After all of that Jolene walks into my office.”
“That woman is everywhere,” she said, laughing, then leaning back, and stepping out of his arms.
She’d held on while he talked. Gave him the support he’d been giving to her.
It didn’t have to be one way. He knew that now.
Maybe he knew it all along.
“She is, but she had some words of wisdom. I think she thought she was doing it for my mother, but it really made me think of you.” He told her what Jolene had said. “I realized we are all like that. We all say stupid shit to mask what is really going on. But I don’t want to do that. Not with you.”
“You’ve never done it with me,” she said. “But I’m going to promise you now, I won’t do it with you again.”
“And you know what?” he said, landing a kiss on her lips. “I’m not going to let you!”