Chapter 34
Padraig was in a frenzy. Cairren had been away from the keep for three nights, and despite sending search parties in all directions for two days, they’d not found more than a brief set of prints leading about five miles from the postern gate.
The ground was too dry in some part and too boggy in others.
He had no idea where she’d gone, but he at least breathed a little easier knowing she was with Matthew.
He hadn’t informed Micheil that Matthew was his wife’s guard.
Most assumed the warrior was still at home with his wife and son, and for their safety Padraig intended to keep it that way.
When they found nothing of use, Padraig decided he would ride to the Sutherlands, praying that Cairren had sought refuge with her friend’s family.
The third morning after Cairren disappeared, Padraig mounted his horse and rode out with Peter and Henry along with four other guards he trusted with his life and, more importantly, Cairren’s.
They set a brutal pace toward Dunrobin, but rain forced them to slow by the late afternoon and made it impossible to continue by early evening.
Padraig was miserable, and his mood wasn’t caused by the weather.
He imagined all manner of horrible things that could befall Cairren and Matthew, and it only made him more anxious with each pounding hoofbeat.
When he and his men made camp that night, Padraig prayed more fervently than he ever had.
He trusted Matthew, but he was only one man if they were attacked.
He wondered how Cairren faired after a day on horseback.
He knew she enjoyed riding because it was one of the few things she could do to pass the day while living at Foulis, but he also knew she wasn’t an avid horsewoman and wasn’t used to long hours in the saddle.
He feared she was suffering already, and the protectiveness that emerged whenever he thought of Cairren filled every space of his heart until his chest burned.
He thought of nothing but finding his wife and begging forgiveness for failing her so badly.
He thought he’d been heartbroken to see Myrna and Duncan, but once again he realized it was his pride that smarted.
He even wondered how he could have believed himself in love with a woman like Myrna when he considered all that Cairren offered with an open mind and an open heart.
Losing his wife to the wilds of the Highlands far exceeded any battle wound he’d suffered or having to set Myrna aside.
By the time he arrived at Sutherland, Padraig had been riding two full days.
He was drenched and miserable as Laird Sutherland admitted him to his solar.
Padraig knew immediately that the man was aware of Cairren’s situation and had already lent her aid.
He prayed they’d tucked away her in a warm chamber on a floor above him.
A servant offered him a drying linen as he entered the chamber, and he ran it over his face and hair, but there was little he could do about his sodden clothes.
“She’s nae here,” Hamish announced before Padraig could explain his presence.
“But that means she was here.”
“Aye. She even said ye’d be looking for her. But she isnae here, and I give ye ma word on that.”
“Is she hale?” Padraig begged.
“Her body is well, but her soul is wounded.”
“I know, ma laird. I’m deeply ashamed at how I’ve failed her and how my clan has treated her.”
“I hadnae realized that yer priest was such a religious hypocrite. He’s naught but a bigot, and I’m sorry, lad, but that makes yer father one for allowing it. Lady Cairren told me aboot the lye water.”
“I wanted to dump the bucket on them both but settled for anointing them instead.”
“Ye splashed yer father and yer priest?” Hamish was incredulous.
“Once I learned what happened and had the evidence, I wanted--no, needed--my clan to see what they had done to Cairren. When it burned both my father and Father Mitchell, it exonerated Cairren. Though it bluidy well never should have come to that. Laird Sutherland, I need to find my wife. I need to know she is safe, and I need to consider whether we will return to Foulis. Much has changed in the course of a day, but we won’t return if Cairren doesn’t wish it. ”
“Ye intend to keep yer wife?”
Padraig bristled and narrowed his eyes. “I dinna keep ma wife,” Padraig hissed, his burr breaking through. “She isnae a horse or a dog. I have nay intention of ever setting her aside.”
“Ye love her, dinna ye?” Hamish asked speculatively. “But ye havenae figured that out yet, I think.”
“I—I’m vera fond of ma wife. I think I may be in love with her, but I thought I was in love once before, and it turns out it wasnae the case.”
“Does this feel the same as before?” Hamish demanded.
“Nae in the least,” Padraig admitted.
“Then mayhap it is love. In which case, ye have much work ahead of ye. As I said, she’s wounded by what’s happened. I havenae seen such sadness in someone’s eyes in a long time.”
“Did she say aught aboot me specifically?”
“Aye. She said ye’ve never harmed her and even protected her, but it was never enough. Lad, I think the lass feels for ye what ye feel for her. She isnae sure what to do with that. I imagine it’s scaring both of ye.”
Padraig ran his hand through his damp hair. He was unsure of what more to tell Hamish; still, Hamish was the closest thing to a father figure Padraig had at this point. Hamish suspected Padraig wanted to say more, so he gestured to a chair, and they both sat before the fire.
“I’ve desired her from the very start,” Padraig began, his burr barely noticeable.
He noted that Hamish did nothing to hide his brogue, and Padraig wondered if he should abandon his pretentious accent.
“The moment I saw her, my body knew what my mind has taken ages to figure out. But I was certain I was in love with—you know who I was intent upon marrying, don’t you? ”
“Aye, ma niece-by-marriage, Myrna.”
“I’d been courting her for two years, and we were set to marry on Samhain despite her small dowry, but then King Robert’s order to marry Cairren arrived two months before the betrothal and wedding.
The moment she rode through the gates, my mother and Myrna immediately hated her.
It was both her skin color, true, but it was also that I wasn’t marrying Myrna.
I was torn between a woman I believed I loved and desired and a woman who made my body stir in ways I never imagined.
It was obvious to everyone that she wasn’t welcome.
My clan made that known from the start. Laird Kennedy tried to arrange a handfast instead and willingly gave up Cairren’s dowry.
But my father conspired with Father Mitchell, and when the wedding began, it was marriage vows and not handfasting ones that the priest said.
My father wanted to ensure there was no way the Kennedys could take back the dowry. ”
Padraig gazed into the fire as he thought back to his wedding night. There was no way he would ever share all the intimacies he and Cairren shared; they were too private. But he would confess some of what Cairren endured.
“There was to be a bedding ceremony, but I refused to allow anyone who wasn’t our immediate family to enter.
My father and Duncan insulted her. Your daughter, Blair, taught Cairren Gaelic at Cairren’s request. She wanted to ken what people were saying aboot her.
Wise lass. She translated into French for her parents, and I thought the Kennedy was going to skelp both of them alive.
I made the men leave, which meant my mother, Myrna—who I later realized never should have been there, her mother, and my sister-by-marriage remained.
My mother accused her of being a whore once she was undressed.
Uh—the French have—um—different grooming habits than Scottish women. ”
Hamish pulled in his lips and lowered his eyes, but when he couldn’t keep the smile completely at bay, Padraig understood Hamish knew to what Padraig referred.
“I threw the women out too, but not before my mother insisted Cairren would try to fool us aboot her maidenhead. Cairren offered to give the sheet to Wynda as soon as we had—. Anyway, that didn’t satisfy my family or Myrna.
Cairren caught me comforting Myrna in the passageway only minutes after I left the chamber where I’d just bedded her.
It all went downhill from there. I wanted Myrna, but I wanted Cairren too.
I bedded Cairren regularly in the beginning, and she rightly named herself my mistress rather than my wife because I kept Myrna by my side during the day.
Cairren and I were at odds one day, then reconciled the next over and over.
Myrna remained far too long at Foulis, and I didn’t make a strong enough effort to respect my wife. ”
Padraig dared a peek at Hamish but wished he hadn’t. The laird glared at him but didn’t interrupt. Padraig gather his courage to continue. Hamish was listening to him, and he needed to share the burden in his heart.
“But eventually, I grew tired of Myrna’s hateful comments, and the clan’s unwillingness to see the good Cairren did as our healer and midwife frustrated me.
I learned the day Cairren fled that many within the clan didn’t notice Cairren’s skin anymore.
But many people believed the hatefulness my mother and Father Mitchell perpetuated justified their animosity and vindictiveness.
I understand why they wouldn’t go against their lady and their priest.”
“That is far more than Cairren shared with me, but I sense ye needed to unburden yerself. I believe ye’re sincere in yer regret and yer wish to make things right, but I dinna ken that yer clan has really changed. All I will say is that she headed south.”
“I suspected as much, but I don’t know if that means to Stirling or all the way back to Dunure.
Please tell me she isn’t traveling alone.
” Padraig watched Hamish as he mentioned both locations, but not even a flicker gave away where Cairren was headed.
He’d already decided to try Stirling first, but he would travel all the way to the south of France if he had to.
“Of course, she isnae. Lachlan is with her as well as other guards.” Padraig scowled, and Hamish chuckled. “Aye, he’s easy on the eyes, but he wouldnae do aught to disgrace a lady, especially Blair’s friend. His sisters scare him too much.”
Padraig nodded, but possessiveness only fueled his sense of urgency and anger at himself.
His wife wouldn’t be traveling in the company of men, one of whom many considered one of the handsomest bachelors in the Highlands, if it weren’t for him.
He accepted the Sutherlands’ hospitality before riding out at dawn.