26. Struggling To Breathe
26
STRUGGLING TO brEATHE
H yde was drowning.
He was cold, wet, and running out of air.
Everything was dark as he went under again.
Where the hell was the water even coming from?
The last thing he remembered was going out to dinner with his family and Tori.
They returned to his place, landed in bed, and then fell asleep.
It was a successful night in his eyes.
Yet he felt as if every part of his body was dying and he couldn’t stop it.
He turned his head to see if Tori was with him.
He had to find her.
He had to help her.
She was yards away, her hand in the air, the waves crashing into her and pulling her under.
He swam in her direction to help, held his breath, and dove down to get her as she sank.
He reached out, found her arm, and pulled her up with his legs kicking ferociously to keep them afloat.
When he turned to tuck his hand under her to swim somewhere safe, he realized it was Shana and not Tori.
Another wave crashed into them, sending them both down and under, him losing his grip on Shana and coming up gasping for air.
“Hyde. Are you okay?”
He blinked his eyes a few times and realized it was Tori’s voice next to him. He touched his side and it was dry, then flopped back onto the pillow.
“Yeah,” he said. “A bad dream.”
She snuggled into his side. “Tell me about it,” she said.
“No,” he said.
“Hyde,” she said. “If you don’t talk about it, it’s going to eat at you the rest of the night and into the morning. I know. I’ve had dreams before that feel so real that they affect my mood and you need to break yourself out of it.”
He sighed. “I don’t normally dream like that.”
“But you did,” she said. “So there has to be a reason for it. Just tell me.”
“I was drowning,” he said.
“Have you had a dream like that before?” she asked.
“No,” he said. He wasn’t sure he wanted to bring up that he was trying to save Shana and couldn’t. He didn’t want her upset that he was dreaming of his ex.
“What else was going on?” she asked. “Where were you? I mean, right now you’re in bed and nice and dry next to me.”
“Thankfully,” he said. “It felt real even though it was off. Or odd. I remembered dinner tonight and coming home afterward. Then the next thing I know I’m cold, wet, and struggling to breathe. I’m looking for you and you’re waving your arm at me.”
“And you swam to get me?” she asked.
He could hear the humor in her voice.
“Yes,” he said.
“I’m a good strong swimmer, Hyde. Just know that if it helps. I mean it. If you ever dream like that again, I was on the swim team in high school. I was a lifeguard during the summer.”
“So you’d be the one to save me?” he asked, laughing.
“Maybe,” she said. “But what I want you to know is that if you remember that about me, in your dream you’ll rationalize it more. It will help.”
Surprisingly it already was. “When I swam over to get to you, it wasn’t you. It was Shana.”
She was quiet for a second and then said, “I’m sorry about that. Do you have nightmares often where you’re trying to save her and can’t?”
“A few,” he said. “But it’s been months. Since before I met you.”
Her hand came out to rub across his chest. “Do you think having dinner with your family and them bringing up things about your past with me triggered it? About trying harder than me like you did with Shana?”
Tori was probably right and it was just a trigger.
“Could be,” he said. “It felt so real. What sucks is that once I realized it was her and not you, I felt as if I didn’t have the fight in me and just went under. It felt like shit too.”
Was it because he already knew he couldn’t save Shana? Or was it he didn’t want to?
That he was so disappointed that it wasn’t Tori he was with?
How do you know or control those things in a dream?
“Do you still love Shana?” she asked.
“I don’t know what I feel,” he said. “What I felt for her I thought was love. We said the words to each other. Then everything happened and I’ve lived with my guilt more than anything else.”
“I know a thing about guilt,” she said. “Not like you do.”
“It’s not a comparison,” he said.
“It’s not,” she agreed. “Guilt is one of those things that can suck you in and it seems to do it for you.”
“Maybe,” he said. “Or maybe it was just a twisted way for me to know that what I felt for her wasn’t what I feel for you. I could be so stubborn that I need something that graphic to wake me up out of sleep for me to be able to realize the significance of it.”
“What are you trying to say?” she asked. Her hand had stopped moving on his chest, but he brought his up to put on it.
He wasn’t sure the last time he’d said these words to a woman. Shana was the last, but they didn’t say it much.
No, that was wrong.
She said it all the time.
He only did a few times.
He just wasn’t someone who would say he loved you every time he walked in or out the door or got off the phone.
“I guess I’m saying that I love you,” he said.
She laughed softly. “You guess that?”
“It’s difficult to say it if you don’t know if it’ll be returned. Saying I guess lightens the blow if you don’t feel the same way.”
She rolled on top of him. “I love you, Hyde. I think I’ve known for a few weeks now, but like you, it’s hard to say the words when you don’t know if they will be returned. And you know, I haven’t had a lot of relationships either. That whole self-sabotage thing. I thought maybe what I was feeling wasn’t love but lust.”
He wasn’t sure he liked the last part of her comment.
“Do you know now?” he asked.
She kissed his chest, then moved up his neck to his cheek and then his lips. “It’s both,” she said. “Nothing wrong with that, is there?”
He squeezed her tight. “No,” he said. “Because I feel the same way.”
“I’m sorry about your nightmare or that you’re having them. And I’m sorry I don’t ask more if you’re okay. I guess you put on this front that you’re fine and don’t talk about it that I almost forget. That’s wrong of me.”
“I don’t need to burden you with it,” he said. “It happened and I’ve moved on.”
“You never move on, Hyde. You move through it to get to another level, but never move on and forget it happened. That’s not realistic nor is it healthy.”
“No,” he said. “It’s not. But it’s not what we have between us.”
“It’s a part of who you are. I know CeeCee is worried that you put more effort in than me. And maybe this isn’t the best time for this conversation, but early on, I thought you did too. I even asked myself if I liked that and if I would have done the same.”
He gulped. “Would you have?”
“I don’t know the answer to that and don’t want to lie to make either one of us feel better. It helped to hear your mother say what she had. That a woman tends to give up early if things aren’t working out and try to find it with someone else. I’ll admit in my personal life, I’ve walked away too easily. I did it with Raina too.”
“You said she needed space and left to move back home,” he said.
“She did. I reached out a few times and she wasn’t ready and then I just stopped. Kind of like what I did with my father. I just stopped. That’s giving up too easily. I’ve learned one thing from you and that is if you want something enough you’ve got to fight for it.”
“I’ve fought more with you than anyone else. And I don’t mean verbally, but just getting you to see things.”
“And as I said earlier. I’m very lucky that you did. I know it. I could have and would have walked away and would have missed out on what we have. I’m glad you didn’t let me do it.”
“I’m glad too,” he said. “Maybe now we can talk some more about this lust that we feel.”
She jumped up and straddled his thighs. “We can do that,” she said. “If you can find a condom in the dark. You know, boring dark sex in the missionary position.”
“Then I guess you’re in the wrong spot,” he said, flipping her to the sound of her laughter.
Talk about the best way to forget about a nightmare.