Chapter 25 Memory Of Our First Time
MEMORY OF OUR FIRST TIME
Never in his wildest dreams had Jayce thought his first time with Farrah would feel as it had.
As if every inch of his body had gone to battle and he’d won.
No, he didn’t win. They did.
Both could claim victory.
He rolled and flopped next to Farrah, the two of them staring at the ceiling.
“I’ve dreamed of this a lot in my life. First years ago, and then the past month. Nothing could have prepared me for that.”
She laughed. The sound of it warming his body. The sound that was growing so familiar and he was eager to hear again and again.
Her nerves were gone, her body relaxed, his heart now ready to conquer what was going to be thrown their way.
“I had hoped,” she said. “But having never experienced the combination of what I’ve just felt, I wondered if it was more a fantasy than reality.”
He turned onto his side. “Oh, it was real. Every bit of it. And as much as I would have loved to have been your first back then, I’d rather have this be the memory of our first time.”
“You know what, Jayce?” she said, her voice soft, her hand trailing a path on his chest. “Me too.”
He gave her a quick kiss, then rolled off the bed and made his way to the bathroom.
It was the first he’d seen her suite. The one she’d shared with the ex-husband douchebag.
He had to get that out of his head. Not that he hadn’t been with women before who’d been with someone else in their room.
The same with him.
Only this time it bothered him more than it had in the past.
Yet looking around the bathroom as he took care of the condom and pissed, he realized everything in this room, and her entire house, had her touch on it.
From what he remembered of her and what he knew now, nothing around him screamed anything other than Farrah.
When he returned to her room, she was dressed in her T-shirt and shorts, then tossed his underwear to him in a playful move he appreciated from her.
He slipped them on and watched her eyes move over his body.
“Now I get a better look at you. I was too busy to admire it a few minutes ago.”
“Minutes? It felt like hours.”
She laughed. “Don’t get soft on me. I know you’ve got a lot more energy. You’re going to need it tonight.”
He laughed and walked closer to her, his arms out, and pulled her tight. “Nerves all gone now? I didn’t disappoint you? I mean, I had no worry you were going to disappoint me, so not sure where that all came from.”
She sighed. “You haven’t been divorced,” she said. “You don’t get it.”
“I haven’t, but I’ve been in relationships that have failed so I’m not immune to it.”
“Is it horrible of me to ask you to talk about that? I guess there is part of me that wants to know what you’ve done for years and if you’ve just never been serious about anyone or not.”
“I have been,” he said. “I’ve been in love too. I know what it feels like. I know what it’s like for it to end.”
He’d never talked to anyone about this before. Wasn’t sure he wanted to now, but if it got her to open up more, then it was worth it.
“Tell me about it,” she said.
He picked up his jeans, pulled them up, fastened them, then yanked his shirt over his head.
They left her room and went to the kitchen where she grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. She opened it and took a long drink, then he pulled it out of her hands and finished it.
She only laughed, then gave him a kiss.
“Her name was Jennie and it was a few years ago. We worked together. Not together in the same department, but she worked for the Hornets also. We had a lot in common and got along well.”
“How long were you together?” she asked.
She didn’t appear jealous in the least when other women used to be.
“About eighteen months. I was twenty-nine, she was twenty-four.”
“Five years isn’t a lot, but might be then. Most twenty-four-year-olds are pretty immature.”
“She was. But the lifestyle I lived worked for us. I was on the road a lot and she enjoyed going with me. Looking back, I think it was more about that than anything else.”
“What happened?”
“She said she was in love. She wanted to get married and start having kids. I thought she was rushing it some. I wasn’t ready at that point.
Not for a family at least. My career was starting to really take off, I wasn’t around enough, and though she traveled with me on the weekends, it wasn’t something you could do with kids. ”
“Not at all,” she said.
“She was putting pressure on me to get her a ring,” he said. “I don’t always do well with pressure.”
It was a major red flag to him. He’d been clear where his head was at. It was too soon for that kind of commitment, but he wasn’t saying it was off the table. He had loved her. He did see a possible future with her at some point.
“I’m the same way.”
“I saw another side of her. When the ultimatums came, I dug my feet in more. Of course she didn’t like that. Then she was getting her coworkers to subtly drop engagement talks.”
“Ugh,” she said. “That’s annoying.”
“Very,” he agreed. “The next thing I know, she’s breaking up with me. Part of her plan, hoping I’d miss her enough to ask her back.”
“Or give her that ring,” she said.
“Exactly that. I don’t play those games. I moved on and she was even more pissed.”
“Moved on with another woman fast?” she asked.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Just moved on with my life. We weren’t living together, but I returned her stuff that was at my place.
That’s when she realized she’d made a mistake.
She tried to get back with me and apologize, but it was too late.
My feelings had already changed months prior with her behavior. ”
“Then you knew.”
If she had been the right one for him, he would have given her another chance. But that he could walk away so easily and two weeks later it didn’t bother him to see her at the office said he was better off.
“I did. She tried to make me jealous next flirting with someone else. Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed at her.”
“Ouch,” she said, smirking.
“Not my proudest moment, but it didn’t get much worse than that. She ended up leaving for another job.”
“There has been no one else?” she asked.
“Not that long and no one I can say that I was in love with. Have I thought I could fall in love with other women? Sure. But I tend to be one of these guys that gives it time before I open up.”
He wasn’t now and that was scarier than fuck.
Probably the biggest battle he’d had in his life was giving Farrah the time to decide where she wanted to go with him.
There was too much on the line. Too much at stake.
He knew those things and held it all back like he was used to doing.
But now he wasn’t so sure he had the strength to keep it locked up tight.
He couldn’t let her know that though. He didn’t want the pressure on her shoulders.
Patience was working and it’d have to continue, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do.
“I’m sure many would say that about me,” she said. “Things were fast with Tucker. They weren’t all terrible either, but once I got pregnant, it just all changed.”
“That’s horrible.”
“I thought it was. He showed his true character. Mind you, he wanted children right away because he was older. I figured it wasn’t the end of the world. I had a great career I could go back to.”
“And we know he didn’t want you to.”
“We talked about it prior, not sure why he thought I’d change my mind. But there you go. Sex with us was good in the beginning, but nothing like what we just had.”
He puffed his chest out some. “I do try.”
She shoved at his arm. “Now you’re being cocky, but I like that about you. After Archer was born, he didn’t really find me as attractive.”
“Fucker,” he said.
She laughed. “Yeah. I lost the weight pretty quickly.”
“That shouldn’t matter in the least.”
“I know. But he still struggled. It’s like he couldn’t get it out of his head what happened down there.”
“Oh, come on, Farrah. He’s a doctor.”
“I know. That threw me for a surprise too. He watched the birth, and maybe that was part of it. Can’t tell you.
But after some time, he was better. Then he wasn’t because I was tired.
I’m back to work, I’m caring for the house and Archer and maybe not putting as much time into my marriage as I should. ”
“Sounds as if he wasn’t either.”
“Nope, he wasn’t. We were both to blame there. But he did the one thing that I hate. The one thing that is unforgivable. Even a whisper of it turns my blood and he knew it.”
“What’s that?”
“Cheating.”
He knew she was going to say that and it was why he couldn’t let her know the final straw of why he left Charlotte.
At least not right now.
There was no way he wanted to bring that up after what they’d shared.
Would he tell her at some point? Maybe. It wasn’t true what he was accused of. No one thought it.
But it still weighed so heavily on his mind at the time. At least he thought it was the final straw, but maybe it wasn’t.
“You said you suspected it?”
“Yep. He was coming home late, which with his job, I get. But it was more than that. His stories didn’t always line up. He was on his phone all the time, again, not unheard of. He was always calling or texting patients after hours. But then he’d be texting and smiling more.”
“Sounds suspicious to me.”
“That’s what I’d say. Like why are you so happy to be texting a patient? I understand telling them good news, but it was just too frequent.”
“You couldn’t check out his phone?”
“I’d never ask. My phone was always lying around. I don’t care if anyone looks at it. I have nothing to hide and never have. But I understood his had patient information too.”
“I’m the same way with my phone. Do I give my password out? No. Just don’t do those things, but I can’t tell you the number of times I’d unlock my phone for someone to use it and look something up. And remember, I’ve got players’ personal cell numbers on mine, so I’m somewhat cautious.”
He normally stood there while they were on it. Just to make sure they weren’t trying to get information on another player rather than snooping.
“You understand,” she said. “I finally asked him to his face if he was cheating. We barely had sex. When we did it was me that initiated it. He often said he was tired or stressed.”
“I’m a dude. I never say no to sex if I’m in a relationship with someone unless we are fighting and I’m still pissed. Or I think she’s using it as a game.”
He drew the line there. Lots of people did it, lots of men didn’t care. He did.
“He was someone who always wanted sex before. I felt rejected and that’s not a nice feeling.
Not something I was used to. I took a big look at my life and knew I wasn’t happy.
I asked him to go to counseling and he got livid with me, said there was nothing wrong, and life was just busy. It was my problem, not his.”
“You don’t do that to someone you love and made a life with,” he said.
A soft smile filled her face, her eyes got a bit glossy.
“No. So I made the decision that it wasn’t going to be a one-way marriage, hired someone to look into him and see if I was paranoid.
If it was in my mind. If it were, I still was going to have to figure out my future.
I wasn’t staying in a marriage like that if he wasn’t going to work at it. ”
“But you were right.”
“I was. I equally hated being right as I hoped I was wrong. I guess it made it easier for me to walk away and not feel as if I was one hundred percent to blame. When I told him I had proof he blew up. He was pissed I didn’t believe him.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Ironic, don’t you think?” she asked sarcastically.
“Very.”
“I moved out with Archer into my parents’ house and got an attorney. Tucker was more pissed off that this was going to make him look bad. He begged me to not say a word to anyone about him cheating.”
“You’re joking.”
He was appalled for her.
“He didn’t have to ask me that,” she said. “I’m not one to air out my dirty laundry. Thankfully, we weren’t in the same department at Duke anymore, but you can’t cheat with someone there and not have people find out.”
“So it was someone he worked with?”
“An OR nurse. And of course that woman was thrilled and thought now that he was single, he’d want to be with her.”
“I can see where this is going,” he said.
“Yep. I kept my mouth shut, but she didn’t. He dropped her fast and that caused even more problems. Everyone pitied me.”
“Which you would have hated.”
“I did. I ignored it and did my job. Archer was my priority. I wanted a fast divorce, I wanted to move on. My attorney was going hard at him. His attorney was fighting back. It’s not what I wanted and I finally said enough. I couldn’t do it any longer.”
“Good for you.”
“The judge praised me in the courtroom one day. The attorneys were arguing, Tucker was being an asshole and I finally stood up and said I was done. I wanted to move on. That I’d take the last offer just like I told my attorney weeks ago.
He walked away from the house and I put the remaining mortgage in my name.
I get child support for eighteen years and he has to pay for Archer’s college. ”
“Sounds like he got off pretty light. You might have gotten him for alimony.”
“That’s what the judge said and told Tucker to take the win. He wasn’t even fighting for time with his kid, it was about money.”
“Then he moved?”
“A few years ago. He sees Tucker two to three times a year for a week at a time. It’s only two hours away.
I always say I can meet him halfway for a weekend, but he ends up canceling.
They talk a few times a month for a few minutes and he sends me money to buy Archer gifts for holidays or special occasions. ”
“So doing the barest required in his eyes.”
“He’s only hurting his relationship with his son in the long run. That’s why I’m there so much for Archer. I’m his mother and his father.”
“You don’t have to do it alone, Farrah,” he said, reaching for her.
“I don’t, but I am.”
“What about us?” he asked. “Where or what does this mean for us?”
“It means I’m guarded and take time to let someone in, but you’ve got an open door with me. What you do with that is up to you. I just ask that Archer is always your first consideration.”
“He is, but his mother deserves to be there too.”