15
“Run, Jacob!” Lexie screamed, her hands cupped around her mouth as she stood on the edge of an empty pasture and watched most of the Tanner men and a few of the neighbors play what was supposed to be touch football, though the younger cousins were doing a fair bit of roughhousing anyway. Lexie winced when Jake went down hard.
“That was a rough one,” Ashlyn said, taking a sip from her copper-colored thermos. “At least his team is winning, though. Tommy’s is down by three touchdowns,” she added, nodding toward the far side of the field where her boyfriend and his teammates stood discussing their next play.
“What do they get if they win?” Lexie asked as she settled into a camp chair beside Gomer the dog and scratched behind his ears.
“Well, there used to be a trophy,” Brooklyn answered, leaning over the arm of her chair, “but somebody either broke it or lost it a few years back, we aren’t sure which. Either way, it vanished. Now, they just get bragging rights.”
Lexie propped her sneakers on top of the drink cooler and made herself comfortable. The football game was a Thanksgiving tradition for the Tanners, and while everyone had been given the option to play, Ashlyn had convinced Lexie to sit with the girls instead. Hannah and her twin sister, Morgan, the two oldest of Jake’s cousins, completed their spectators’ circle.
“Who are you cheering for, Bee?” Hannah asked, her voice lilting up suspiciously.
Lexie watched Brooklyn turn a dark shade of pink as Ashlyn laughed and prodded her cousin with her foot.
“Shut up,” the youngest girl grumbled, sinking deeper into her purple sweatshirt and using the hood to hide her face.
Lexie leaned forward, eager to be part of the secret. “Which one?” she asked, scanning the makeshift football field for any unfamiliar faces.
“That one,” Hannah said, pointing to a tall young man wearing a Mason County Raiders football jersey. “Tommy’s brother, Jon. They’re biology lab partners, and Bee’s got it bad.”
“Oh, he’s cute,” Lexie said, watching as Brooklyn’s color changed again.
“I do not ‘have it bad,’” the girl grumbled, but Lexie could tell it was a half-hearted protest.
“Oh, so there’s no particular reason you disappeared into my bathroom the second he got here and came out with fresh curls and a full face of makeup?” Ashlyn asked with a smirk. “Just think, Bee! We could be cousins and sisters-in-law!”
“Ugh, never mind. The last thing I need is to be related to you twice,” Brooklyn retorted. She groaned and rolled her eyes while the other women laughed. Their affection for each other was almost a tangible force, and Lexie was overwhelmingly glad to be part of it.
“Speaking of people who’ve got it bad,” Hannah said, her gaze darting to Lexie with obvious meaning. “If I were putting money on which of us is head over heels, I’d pick Jake.”
Lexie felt her cheeks heat up as she looked across the field. When her gaze came back to the girls, every single one of them was staring at her with questions in their eyes.
“Spill!” Brooklyn said, grinning. “I want to hear all about this concert he took you to. Did he tell you we helped him get dressed? He was so nervous! It was adorable.”
Lexie felt her face split into a wide grin as she remembered Jake’s obvious anxiety when he’d come to her door.
“Do you want the concert story or the meteor shower story?”
“The what?!” the girls screeched, all leaning in closer. They listened in rapt attention and made appropriately impressed noises as Lexie shared the details—all the good ones, at least. When she reached the end, there was silence while the four cousins exchanged a loaded glance.
“Okay, who wants to break the news?” Hannah asked, looking around the group with a satisfied smile.
Lexie frowned. “What news?”
Morgan grinned. “You are so far gone,” she said, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “Go ahead and have the tea towels monogrammed, because you’ll be one of us before you know it.”
Lexie sat for a moment, considering the possibility, but a tremendous shout went up from the field before she could respond. The game appeared to be over, and both teams were advancing toward the cooler at an alarming rate.
“Your feet are in the way,” Jake told Lexie as the girls were overrun. But instead of simply moving her legs, he swooped down and grabbed her around the waist before hauling her over his shoulder. Her eyes went wide as the other girls laughed.
“Jacob Ryan, put me down!” she demanded, struggling to push herself upright.
“Ooh, she middle-named you,” somebody shouted, which only made Jake hike her up higher on his shoulder.
“Guess I’d better go before I get in trouble then,” he said.
“What? No!” Lexie shrieked, laughing despite her embarrassment, but Jake kept walking toward the house.
“What did I tell you? Totally gone,” she heard Morgan say, catching Lexie’s eye with a wink. Lexie could only wave back helplessly.
“You are incorrigible,” she told him, twisting so she could at least see where they were going. Jake only grunted, but Lexie could hear his amusement anyway. He finally put her down on the far side of a small garden shed among some old windowpanes, a rusted car fender and a peeling wooden door that might have come from someone’s closet.
“I want to know what all the cackling was about,” he said as he backed her up against the shed’s metal siding.
“What cackling?” Lexie asked, playing dumb.
“At your hen party,” he said. “There was pointing and laughing, and I want to know why.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, that’s confidential information,” Lexie answered.
Jake made a displeased sort of noise, though it was clear the act was hard to maintain.
“Were you talking about me?”
Lexie scoffed and rolled her eyes in mock derision. “No, actually. Believe it or not, you’re not the only cute guy at this party,” she teased, pursing her lips against a smile.
“Oh! Wrong answer,” he said. His fingers brushed against a sensitive spot below her ribcage.
“Jacob, stop that!” she shouted, laughing, but when she tried to squirm away, he went for the other side as well.
“Take it back, woman!” he demanded, obviously holding back a laugh of his own as he started prodding all the ticklish places he could reach.
He’d shed his sweatshirt during the game, and his navy T-shirt was streaked with mud and grass, some of which Lexie was sure would transfer to her sweater. She giggled as she tried to fend him off, but stilled when he pinned her wrists above her head, holding her easily in place.
“Take it back,” he murmured, his face now only millimeters from hers.
Lexie could count the shades of brown in his eyes, and she watched them all grow darker as the air between them shifted, turning into something more heated than before. The words she still hadn’t said bubbled just below the surface, and she tried to catch her breath enough to let them out. But the moment didn’t last.
“Jacob!” somebody sang, sounding downright gleeful. “Jacob, you’re up to something!” The footsteps came closer, crunching through the old garden nearby, and Jake straightened.
“Jonah,” he mouthed. He let go of Lexie’s hands and stepped back seconds before his cousin appeared around the corner of the shed.
“Whatcha doin’?” Jonah drawled, a Cheshire-Cat grin plastered across his face. He was a few years younger than Jake, though he had the same lean frame. The family resemblance was unmistakable.
“None of your business. What do you need?” Jake said, with only a hint of irritation in his voice.
“Oh, nothing in particular,” Jonah replied with a grin. “Just saw you wander off with this poor girl over your shoulder like a caveman and wanted to be sure you weren’t holding her against her will.” His eyes darted over to Lexie with a smirk. “Do you need to be rescued, Miss Lexie? Maybe let a real man take care of you for a change?”
As unfortunate as the interruption was, Lexie couldn’t help but laugh. Jonah had been a good sport when she’d beaten him in Jenga the other night, and she’d quickly developed a soft spot for his particular brand of cocky humor. She thought about his offer for a second and decided to turn Jake’s own game against him.
“I might, actually. Maybe you can teach this one a thing or two,” she said with an exaggerated grimace, and Jake’s head whipped in her direction. The younger boy howled in laughter as Jake shook his head slowly, an impish warning in his eyes. But Jonah grabbed Lexie’s hand and pulled her away, all the while talking animatedly about a tackle where he’d sent Jake rolling.
Lexie glanced over her shoulder and saw Jake still standing beside the shed, his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face as he watched her leave. She’d catch up with him again later. For now, he could simmer in a stew of his own making.
“Take this platter, Lexie. Hannah, those cake pans are ready to go. Oliver, carry a few more chairs out, would you, dear?”
Kathleen Tanner was in full command mode by eleven thirty, giving orders as people scurried between the barn and the house. The women checked and rechecked every dish, loading the long folding tables in the barn with enough food for a mid-sized army, while the men joined the fray wherever they could.
By noon, all was ready.
The inside of the barn had been scrubbed to a shine the day before. The concrete floors were covered in a fresh layer of clean straw, and the walls and doorways were decorated with leftover corn stalks and small pumpkins taken straight from the fields. Half a dozen standing propane heaters created pockets of warmth to ward off the chill that drifted in whenever the large doors were opened. It was a job that would have taken one person three weeks, but, thankfully, there were about a hundred Tanners—every one of whom had welcomed Lexie like she was one of their own.
She’d stopped trying to keep track of their names about an hour before, simply wishing everyone a happy Thanksgiving as their paths crossed hers. Having lost Jake in the mayhem, she was glad to find Hannah and Morgan chatting with a few other relatives close to the buffet line.
“Where did all these people come from?” she asked, latching onto Hannah’s arm.
Jake’s cousin laughed and patted Lexie’s hand with affection. “We’re a lot, I know, but don’t worry. Nobody here will eat you,” she said.
“Except maybe Jake,” Morgan added, leaning in close so only Lexie would hear. “He looked like he was pretty hungry earlier.”
Lexie laughed and felt heat flood her face, which only prompted snickers from her new friends.
After the blessing was said and the food officially served, she joined the line behind them and started to fill her plate, still keeping an eye out for Jake. She hadn’t been able to talk to him since she’d left him in the garden earlier.
“Well, it’s nice to finally meet the great Lexie Preston,” a deep voice behind her said, and Lexie turned, expecting to find an uncle or maybe a grandfather. Instead, she came face-to-face with Drew. He looked down at her with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “We haven’t had a chance to chat.”
“Sorry, I’ve been trying to get to know everyone,” Lexie said, trying to brush off how nervous he suddenly made her. Just because he and Jake weren’t close didn’t mean Drew was a threat.
“Oh, believe me, I know how hard it can be to keep up with the prodigal son,” he said, his voice more casual than his words. “I just wanted to check in... see if you’re living up to the hype.”
“The what?” Lexie asked, frowning as she scooped up a helping of chicken salad.
“The hype, the fame, the glory,” Drew said. He dipped a spoon into the green beans. “I mean, Jake’s only been going on about you for the last three years. That’s a lot of pressure for one person.”
Lexie shook her head, catching his mistake. “Jake and I have only known each other since August, so maybe three months, but definitely not three years.”
“Oh!” Drew said, a look of almost-genuine surprise taking over his face. “I guess he hasn’t told you that part. Although, I can’t really blame him; it’s a stupid story, really.”
Lexie’s hand paused over another spoon, this time for the mashed potatoes.
“Sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, glancing toward where Hannah was making her way along the line in front of her. There wasn’t any good way to disengage from this conversation without being incredibly rude.
“I’m talking about how everyone’s favorite hero has been starry-eyed over you since freshman year,” Drew said as he stepped around her to reach the glazed carrots. “Something about a beautiful girl across a crowded room and how angels sang and the Earth turned backwards and whatever else. And now, surprise, surprise, he’s finally got you. Must be a nice view from that golden pedestal you’re standing on—a long fall, too.”
Lexie’s mind turned his words over, replaying them faster and faster until they sounded like the squeal of cartoon chipmunks.
“That’s really not possible. He didn’t even know me until this year,” she said, moving toward the dessert table, but Drew kept pace with her as she went. “I mean, I think we might have had a class together or something, but...”
“Oh, trust me, sweetheart,” he said, suddenly reminding her so much of Colt that a chill went down her spine, “he didn’t have to know you to name your six children and pick out your minivan. I think he’s decided on a Dodge, one of the blue ones with sliding doors—better for all the soccer games you’ll be going to. He’ll be so disappointed if they aren’t all varsity players. Only the best for Jake Tanner, you know.”
Lexie opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. Drew reached past her and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie from the plate near her hand.
“I heard you made the meringue, by the way. I hope it’s good,” he said before turning and making his way toward an open seat next to Ashlyn and Tommy. Setting his plate down, he caught her eye with a smirk and raised his disposable cup in a silent toast similar to the ones she’d gotten from Colt in the past. The ones that always meant he had her right where he wanted her.
The roar of too many conversations suddenly wasn’t enough to drown out the voices that plagued Lexie in moments of weakness.
“What could you possibly have to offer him?”
“There’s nothing that makes you special.”
“He’ll be so disappointed.”
She was frozen, surrounded by the kind of family she didn’t know how to have—a family that had accepted her readily and without question. A family that hadn’t yet discovered what a disappointment she really was.
“There you are,” came a voice over her shoulder, and the warmth of Jake’s hand at the small of her back temporarily slowed her spiral. “Have you found a place yet? I saw a few open chairs by Jonah, but considering how easily he stole my girl earlier, I’m going to say no,” he said, laughing to himself. “What about with Hannah?”
Jake must have looked down then, because he paused.
“Lex, are you okay?” he asked. He dipped his head to put himself in her line of sight, and her eyes slipped back into focus on his face.
She forced a smile, deliberately keeping her breathing even, and nodded. “I’m fine,” she replied, hoping he wouldn’t press any deeper.
Jake furrowed his brow and scanned her face again before guiding her to a table where Hannah and Oliver seemed to be saving them seats. He set his plate down before taking Lexie’s from her hands.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he murmured. He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and turned her into his chest like a hug. “I know this is a lot. We can eat in the house if you want.”
Eating in the house would not help. It would not change all the ways she would inevitably fail him.
“I’m fine, really,” she said again, pushing the words past a hard lump in her throat. After a moment, Jake relented, though she could tell he wasn’t convinced. Lexie sat down and started to eat, putting one forkful in her mouth at a time purely to keep from joining the conversation that sprang to life around her. If she could just keep her mouth full, maybe nothing damaging would come out of it. Maybe these people wouldn’t know exactly what a train wreck they were dealing with.
The voices in her mind got louder, chanting a litany of adjectives like stock market ticker tape.
Mediocre. Selfish. Ungrateful. Incompetent. Embarrassing. Exhausting . . .
She’d thought it was different this time; she’d thought it was real. But if Drew was right, then it was only a dream—a dream Jake had cooked up years ago and was only playing out the way he’d imagined. He could only see the girl he’d made her out to be—and reality would never measure up. It never did.
“Must be a nice view from that golden pedestal you’re standing on—a long fall, too.”
Jake kept his left arm across the back of her chair, his hand a steady pressure on the edge of her shoulder. Lexie caught a few odd glances from Hannah and her husband, and then from Brooklyn, who sat down later.
They’re starting to realize, she thought, her panic growing. They’re starting to see that something is wrong with me. That I don’t belong here. That I won’t fit.
Lexie felt like the water around her was rising, lapping at her face and pulling at her clothes. In a minute, she’d be submerged, drowning, unnoticed and forgotten in a sea of people. Her chest was too tight, and the flood made it hard to breathe.
Any minute now,she thought. Any minute now, they’ll see.
“Lexie, you did an amazing job on this pie!” Hannah said, giving her an uncertain smile as she lifted a forkful of the dark chocolate to her mouth. “I still can’t believe Grandma Ruby let you make it.”
“That pie is like a family heirloom. Nobody makes it except Grandma Ruby.”
“Have the tea towels monogrammed, because you’ll be one of us before you know it.”
“Only the best for Jake Tanner.”
“I need some air,” Lexie mumbled, pushing unsteadily to her feet. She saw the glances that went around the table, passed from cousin to cousin like a telegram.
Something is wrong with this girl . . .
“I’ll come with you,” Jake said, his voice somehow very far away, but Lexie shook her head.
“No, please. Stay. Eat,” she managed, then she shoved past him in the direction she had come. The door was near the end of the food line. It had to be. Without it, she was trapped.
She could feel the tide of conversation turning toward her. The eyes that followed her out the door, the whispers that snagged her skin. She knew they were all discussing her now, asking themselves how they’d been so blind, how Jake could have been deceived so completely.
Poor Jake. Poor, poor Jake.
She passed his parents sitting near the exit, and Kathleen reached a hand up as she barreled by, but Lexie ignored it. Her own mother had told her what a disappointment she was more times than she could count. She didn’t need to hear it from his mother, too.
Pushing through the doors, she sucked cool air into her lungs and then hurried toward the house. Just a few more steps—across the yard, onto the porch, through the front door. Within moments, she stood in the empty, quiet living room clutching the back of the sectional couch, desperately looking for something, anything, to ground herself.
What do you feel? What do you smell? What do you hear?
The couch’s worn leather was cool beneath her hands, and a rough place on one of the seams caught her skin as she rubbed her palms over it. The lingering scent of smoked turkey drifted from the kitchen, as did the hum of the refrigerator. The ice maker clattered as it dumped another load into the tray. A television had been left on somewhere down the hall, and the artificial sound of a laugh track grated on Lexie’s ears.
But it wasn’t enough.
Five things you can see, she reminded herself, looking around. There was a multicolored quilt hanging on the back of Logan Tanner’s armchair, the star pattern swirled with silver thread. A half-empty glass of clear soda sat abandoned on the end table, the bubbles still rising quietly to the surface. A magazine, its cover displaying a piece of green farm equipment, was partially tucked into the crease between two of the couch cushions. The gauzy curtains on the front windows shifted slightly over an air vent in the floor, and one of the picture frames on the wall was slightly off-center.
Lexie’s gaze caught on the photographs, all Jake’s work, each showing a different part of life on the farm—a black-and-white print of a barn in the fog, a newborn calf wobbling on brand-new legs, the pink tint of sunrise beyond a hay-strewn field.
“National Geographic is the dream, of course . . .”
He had so much potential. He had plans, dreams, passions... and she was drifting. She didn’t know what she wanted from her life or how to go about getting it.
“You’re allowed to be talented, and you can’t let anyone hold you back from that.”
Lexie turned so fast she stumbled, knocking a vase of dried flowers to the floor. She was already up the stairs, cramming discarded clothing into her weekend bag, before she realized the vase had broken.