17. Los Angeles
LOS ANGELES
Jamie
I rubbed my groggy eyes with my forearm, lowered my face to the straw, and took a pull of Sprite and lemonade.
With bacon, eggs, and cheese burritos cuddled beautifully in the cardboard boxes in my arms, I strolled down the street.
Palm trees swayed from the Santa Ana winds half a block away from where I parked.
While I stood in the line that was nearly around the corner for El Chuy—the best Mexican food Los Angeles had to offer—I’d kept a vigil to ensure Jordyn hadn’t awoken yet.
I figured Aleksandr wouldn’t find us here.
Looking down at Rebel at my side, I noticed her stiff gait.
A bandage wrapped around her abdomen from where an overnight veterinarian had done surgery, without question after seeing the money I’d handed over to save my girl.
The bullet had missed all of her vital organs, but you couldn’t keep a good dog down.
Not after she smelled El Chuy from three blocks away.
“You’re supposed to be doing minimal walking, girl. ”
She huffed .
“Don’t give me that. Of course I didn’t forget, your tortilla is gluten-free. As a matter of fact, I told them to put the salsa on the side.” I wheeled around a deep crack in the asphalt, juggling the three breakfast burritos and drinks.
And now my girl offered a pleasant bark.
Her ears pricked like razors, and we both glanced toward where the passenger door thrust open as if I’d given a lift to the Incredible Hulk.
Jordyn rushed out of the vehicle, palms on top of her head.
She spun around, glaring at the 76 Station across the street.
The line for fuel was nowhere near as hectic as the one still at the Mexican spot.
She set eyes on me and visibly deflated in her crumpled sweatsuit.
Shrapnel pierced my heart. I remembered that feeling.
Every day, the second I awoke from a night terror, the cruel whispers of the worst acts anyone had ever done to me rang through my mind.
It got until I didn’t want to sleep. Didn’t want to wake up either.
I closed the distance between us as Jordyn ran toward me, her body wired tight with fear.
A fear I hadn’t meant to inflict. I held the cardboard boxes wide so that she could loop her arms around my neck.
The tortured expression returned for the brief second it took Jordyn to rise on her tippy toes.
She pressed her wet eyes into my neck as if she needed the physical stimuli to remind her that this was real. That she was safe.
I kissed the top of her head. “You were asleep.”
“I know,” she murmured.
“That’s all?”
Jordyn settled back onto the heels of her feet. “What?”
“I thought you’d tell me off for leaving you in the car. I remember what it feels like. I’ve awakened with the same thoughts as you before.”
A smirk twisted her plush mouth as she relieved me of the cup container.
“I’m learning to be more appreciative. My mouth is no longer a weapon.
” That twist turned another notch and became suggestive, and then, as if realizing that she didn’t have to pay me physically for not leaving, she heaved a sigh. “I’m glad you didn’t leave.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, JorJor? You’re not a burden. A problem. A bother.”
“I know.”
“Nae. You don’t.” Arg . She said I sounded Scottish. Maybe the Scot rose up when I needed to get something through her thick skull. Like Da and Mam— ahem . No dwelling on them. I blocked Jordyn’s path as we strolled toward my Gladiator. “Jordyn, you’re everything I realized I needed.”
“When?” Always a comeback with this one . Still, she tugged her bottom teeth through her lip, grinning. “When, Jamie?” Her tone carried a lilt that almost made desire pull me deeper than I should allow. “When did you realize I was everything you needed?”
“Stop teasing me, JorJor.”
The look in her eyes read that it was the only card she had up her sleeve.
Little did she know.
The teasing ended when I noticed her fingers digging into her palms. I took her hand in mine and lifted it to my lips to kiss the tiny, vicious half-moons. “Do that again. Ye’ll be in trouble.” Note to self: breathe in when aroused so that you don’t sound so husky. And Scottish.
Holding the sodas at her side, Jordyn rose on her tippy toes toward me.
Before her lips could meet mine, my peripheral took control.
I focused on the police cruiser that slowed down the street.
I’d seen one driving slowly while placing my order at the outdoor counter.
Should’ve checked the serial number beneath the to-protect-and-serve emblem on the driver’s door.
Was it the same squad car? The same cop? Nah. Don’t be paranoid.
I smiled at Jordyn. “You stayed up all night with me while waiting for Rebel. So, I thought I’d get us the best burritos we’ll ever have and allow my—” I cleared my throat. Still felt weird to call them family. “Everyone to wake up before we drop in.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me, Jamie?”
“What?” I followed her to the truck.
“I get it. You’re very strategic. With regard to that list you had. You’d wanted me to get comfortable at your house. Were your folks on the list? Maybe a ‘make sure Jordyn feels comfortable before we drop by my par’—?”
“Not my—” I bit my tongue. She didn’t need to know how angry I was with the others.
Jordyn paused at the passenger door.
Clearing my throat, I grabbed the door for her and helped her inside. “Fingers and toes?”
“We are having this discussion.”
After helping Rebel into her seat, I went around to the driver’s side and climbed behind the wheel. Staring straight ahead, I couldn’t stop the animosity that turned my tone into steel. “I don’t consider them family anymore.”
“Why not?”
“They didn’t save you. Why else?”
Jordyn’s brow furrowed. “ Ugh . That was supposed to be my excuse. Not yours.”
“Why not?” I opened the first burrito and passed it back to Rebel. “You better not get my ride dirty.” I glanced at Jordyn. “Why can’t it be my excuse too?”
“Oh, I thought it was rhetorical.” She palmed her forehead. “Jamie, you’re an intelligent person, but I gather that some things just don’t connect with you. Which is a-okay in my book. They are your family. Your parents. Wait, don’t give me that look.”
My eyebrow lifted. “What look?”
“The one that seems like you want to retort, but you don’t know how to have a ‘tude. ”
Again, I arched a brow.
“ Attitude . Keep up. If this were a week ago, I wouldn’t be saying this. If this were a dream, I’d probably be trying to punch you right now. It would be one of those darn slugs where my arm hardly moves and doesn’t make contact.”
I nod. “Those are annoying.”
“Yes, they are. And guess what’s more annoying? The cycles I went through after you disappeared. Was the scrawny boy real?—”
“I was not scraw?—”
“Was he an angel? Then, crying because I didn’t want to be alone.
Or the moments where I thanked my lucky stars that you no longer had to endure …
” Her words trailed off with a croak. Jordyn kicked off her shoes and tucked her feet up into the passenger seat.
Anxiety radiated from her in waves as she bounced a knee and toyed with a thick mass of hair by twining it around her fingers.
“In those moments, while I felt excruciatingly alone beneath some man’s body, I … ”
As she spoke, I attributed the tremor in her voice to nervousness at how honest she was being. The false front Jordyn preserved crumbled.
“In those moments,” she said again, “I was so happy for you. Happy you had parents who loved you, who’d look evil in the eye.
They fought for you, Jamie. I’m guessing they’d still fight for you.
” Her voice broke. “They love you. So, if you can have your lists. I’ll add that to my rules.
No tickling me and no hating on your fam. ”
“Okay.”
“Good. Your parents aside, when I wasn’t hating on you,” she said, smile bittersweet, “I was happy I knew someone who survived. I’m glad we reconnected.
I’m glad you tell me things that I hadn’t noticed about myself.
” She glanced at her worn palms. “You can be deep sometimes, Jamie. You’re exactly what I … need.”
I stared at her, longing more than anything to unravel every hurt Jordyn ever felt.
She was right, though. Every once in a while, someone would tell me that what I’d say was deep.
Contemplative. Probably because I spent more time staring at a person from afar than actually engaging with them.
So, I felt like a nugget without the right words to say.
For a moment, I scanned the flow of traffic as if to prepare to drive from the parallel position.
But that was a copout. Finally, I managed to speak, voice deep, tight, strangled by the emotion I hardly let out anymore.
“Well, now you have me, JorJor. If you can’t tell by now that I’m willing to fight for you—fight through hell—I’m sure Chelomey won’t mind helping me with that challenge. ”
I let out an enormous sigh, waiting for her to say something that would undo the fierce look I offered, that I hoped conveyed what I couldn’t say. What I didn’t know how to say. Because I knew this moment would come.
Why ?
Why didn’t we save her too?
When Jordyn only offered a faint smile, I pressed the push to start. She’d ask that question. Maybe not now. But as I came to realize it was as inevitable as dying, my demeanor became stiff, clunky.