CHAPTER 18
Sparks
I’d do anything to leave the med bay, but does it have to be this?
The three of us are gathered in my living room.
Licorice is purring contentedly on my lap, swishing her tail intermittently.
Astrid made coffee for all of us after hearing about our “legendary” coffee meetings.
Well, she made coffee for Derek and herself, a hot chocolate for me. It sits on the coffee table untouched.
“You told him!” I roll my eyes at Astrid. “What the fuck, man?”
“Excuse me,” Derek interjects. “You should have told me this when it happened. There’s no good reason why I found out from Astrid.”
“You were so stressed about the syndicate.” I twist a strand of my hair. “I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Bull.” Astrid narrows her eyes. “I’ve learned your tells, Sparks. Give it up.”
“How did you let the two of them become friends?” I ask Licorice. She twitches an ear in response. “Traitor.”
The duo stares at me, arms crossed the same way. Their partnership might become my undoing.
“No more secrets, Sparkie.” Disappointment lines Derek’s voice. I hang my head ashamed.
“I don’t want anyone else getting hurt,” I sniffle. “I just want to take care of it myself.”
“But we also don’t want you getting hurt.” Astrid gestures at me, tears pricking her eyes. “Do you know how scared we were? I thought you were going to die in my arms.”
“We also need to teach Astrid all of the code phrases,” Derek mentions. “She almost got herself shot because she wouldn’t leave your side on the code lightning.”
Code lightning. Oof. Boss down, reserved for Derek or me. The team tends to take that one pretty seriously.
“I’m sorry.” I mean it. “I’ll tell you everything, nothing held back.”
“I think we’re both caught up,” Derek says. “But just, no more.”
“Actually…” I run my fingers through my hair. “I have one more.”
“Motherfucker,” Astrid curses under her breath.
“Hey!” I defend. “I figured this one out the day I was attacked. Not a lot of time to tell people.”
“Is this about the motorcycle thing?” Astrid stands, frustrated. “You definitely had time to tell me.”
“I’m telling you now!” I carefully move Licorice to her cat tree. She mews angrily but falls asleep quickly. I bite my lip nervously. “I think I have a stalker.”
“Did not expect that one.” Derek breaks the silence after a moment.
I tell them about the missing hat and the cat treats, as well as the clicking noises that have been following me. How the blonde guy I was with panicked, thinking it was a camera shutter. I don’t have a better explanation.
“Do you think your stalker drugged you?” Astrid looks as though she could freak out any second. I don’t feel too dissimilar. I shrug.
“Show us the cat treats,” Derek says. “Maybe there’s a rational explanation.”
We go on a field trip to the parking garage. I think it’s a waste of time, because cat treats are just cat treats, but they insist. When I arrive at my bike, I am stunned. A “Get Well Soon” balloon is tied to my handlebars, and an envelope sits on the seat.
“I’m going to assume this wasn’t you guys…” I ask the group. Both shake their heads.
I apprehensively open the envelope. There’s maybe ten or so photos inside, me in the alley with the blond man.
The photographer took the photos from a low angle, ensuring my panties are in the frame.
I’m centered in all the shots. Some are cropped closely on my face, others on my hips.
Most disturbing though, the blond man is X’ed out in every photo he was in.
The thick black marker completely covering his face, leaving a disembodied pair of hands roaming my body.
A note falls out with messy, scrawled handwriting. He doesn’t deserve to touch you.
My hands shake as I stuff the photos back into the envelope. Derek unties the balloon as Astrid searches the saddlebag for any more gifts. Thankfully, it’s just the cat treats. Derek is on the phone as soon as we reenter the compound.
“What do you mean we don’t have a camera there?” He screams into the microphone. “She is your boss! I don’t care what you have to do, get a security camera up there immediately. Now!”
“You don’t go anywhere alone anymore.” He whirls to face me.
“That’s not fair,” I protest. “I’ll go crazy on house arrest.”
“Then take Astrid or me with you.” He shrugs indifferently. “Fuck, take a whole squadron of men with you. I don’t care. You don’t go anywhere alone.”
“But―”
“No,” Derek cuts me off. “Do not make me put a GPS collar on you. You know I will.”
Everyone knows Derek has an overprotective streak, but this is a bit much, even for him. I glare at him and slam my apartment door, before reopening it.
“Astrid can come in, but I’m protesting against Derek for the immediate future.”
Derek throws his hands in the air as Astrid scurries in, sticking her tongue out at him.
She flops onto my bed, letting Licorice bat at her fingers.
Her shirt rides up slightly, exposing a small sliver of her back.
Since high-waisted shorts and skirts are her go-to, it’s a rare sight.
I brush her hair to one side, revealing her neck.
God, I love when she wears her hair down.
“Do you maybe want to mess around?” I twist a strand of her hair around my finger. “Have some fun?”
“Sparks, you just got out of the med bay.” She rolls her eyes.
“We both know I’m perfectly healthy,” I whisper in her ear. “Let me show you a good time.”
“Maybe later.” She shrugs away from me.
Astrid sees me examining her and sticks her tongue out at me, trying to be silly, but her heart isn’t in it. I sit on the ground, perching my arms on the mattress. I look up at her from the floor as she keeps playing with the cat.
“Did I do something to upset you?” I ask, confused. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, we don’t have to have sex.”
“No, you’re fine.” Licorice bats at her fingers. She avoids looking at me.
“I don’t think you are.” I pull the cat away, setting her on the floor. She chases a bug, unperturbed. “Talk to me. No more secrets, right?”
“I guess I just thought…” Astrid trails off, searching for the right words. “I hoped that things would be different.”
“I know,” I sigh. “No more secrets. I’ve fucked up again and again, but truly, I’ve told you everything now.”
“It’s not that.” She absentmindedly picks at her cuticles. “Well, actually I guess that too, but it’s not that.”
“Hey.” I scooch on the bed to sit next to her. “What’s wrong?”
I brush her hair from her face, but her eyes gloss over. She turns away. How did I make this worse?
“You looked so happy the other night in the club, dancing with that blond guy.” She folds her hands together, squeezing her fingers tightly. “I know it’s not fair to you, and I’m not proud of it, but I was jealous.”
“We can fix that,” I chuckle, nudging her shoulder. “Let’s go to the club tonight. I can be your wingwoman. We’ll find you a stunning girl to take home and it’ll be great!”
“I don’t want some random girl.” Astrid’s voice is soft but accepting, resigned to whatever is causing her melancholia.
“What do you want then?” I gently lift her chin with my finger, bringing her gaze back to me.
Our eyes meet, and I realize my mistake. A lone tear falls, her hopelessness dripping onto her arm. The one thing she wants is something I can’t give her.
“You.” She shakes her head. “I want you.”
“Astrid,” my voice cracks. “I―”
“I know,” she cuts me off as she wipes the tear from her cheek. Her shoulders shudder as she continues. “You don’t need to say it. I know.”
“I can’t lose you again.” My voice catches in my throat. “It took so long to put myself back together. I couldn’t… I can’t…”
“I know.” Astrid presses her forehead to mine. “I… I know.”
Now it’s my turn to cry, a few silent tears leaving damp lines down my cheek. We lock eyes, and she glides her thumb across my cheek, erasing my tears.
“I love you. I never stopped,” she whispers, a pained smile on her face. “Don’t say it back, whether or not you feel the same. It would hurt too much to hear you say it again. I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t tell you.”
Our lips are inches away. My breath catches in my chest. I close my eyes, expecting her to kiss me. Softly. Gently. But she doesn’t.
The mattress shifts as she stands, arms hugging her stomach.
Licorice scampers to her feet. She doesn’t mind the tears falling on her fur as Astrid scratches her tummy.
She takes Licorice into the living room, but I’m stuck to the bed.
The mattress has a hold over me. Maybe it’s because the world outside my bedroom is falling apart, leaving me trying to catch the pieces.
Maybe it’s because from down here, I can pretend that the dinosaurs aren’t extinct.
Eventually, it’s time to face the outside world. Licorice chases a laser controlled by Astrid. She’s back to her usual bubbly self, as if nothing happened. I suppose that’s for the best.
“Do you want to grab lunch?” I ask, extending a proverbial olive branch. “There’s a new sandwich place a few blocks away. I’ll buy.”
“Sure.” She jumps up. Her hair bounces around her shoulders. “Do you want to take your bike?”
“Great idea.” I grin, eager to feel the wind. I grab two leather jackets from my closet, throwing one to her. The helmets are already in the garage. I open my apartment door, and Luca is there, about to knock.
“Oh, hi Luca,” I say, surprised to see him. “Everything okay?”
“I need to see you in the med bay again.”
“Nooo,” I groan. “I’m fine.”
“Derek wants me to double check one of your vitals.” He shrugs as if he’s about as excited as I am. “It was a little high earlier. Five minutes, I promise.”
“Sorry, Astrid.” I roll my eyes. “I’ll come grab you when I’m cleared by the doc.”
“She can sit in the waiting room,” Luca offers. “Truly, just five minutes and then you two can bounce.”
“It’s fine with me.” Astrid gives Licorice one last pet as we head out.