Naughty by Nature
TW: Decreased body and blood, FMMM, manipulation (but it’s funny).
GRACE
Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about a prince in shining armor. I had these fantasies of a big, elaborate wedding, my own knight and a happily ever after with a kid or two.
The reality? Yeah, it couldn’t be further from what I imagined.
Instead of one prince charming, I have three and none of them is exactly a prince. Frogs, maybe? No, probably toads.
There’s the oldest and probably the most sane of the triplets—Zander. Tall, dark, handsome, insanely smart, and well, kind of fucked in the head.
Then, we have Zeno, the fun-loving, most random person I know and also an experienced arsonist.
Last but not least, Zane. He’s my gentle soul, my moral support and biggest fan. And, just because he’s one of the Von Beek triplets, he’s also just as bat shit crazy as his brothers.
I’d rather plan a wedding, I’m thirty-two for fuck’s sake it’s about time, but instead I’m stuck with my morons, who happen to not only share last name but also one collective brain cell.
Zander, Zeno and Zane have lined up before me, all of them looking like I kicked their puppy.
For the record, they don’t have a puppy.
What they have is a dead body bleeding into my favorite carpet.
This is worse than that one time Zeno dragged home roadkill and announced he’ll figure out how to bring it back to life.
I point at it and hiss, “which one of you had the brilliant idea to take it home?”
The triplets exchange glances, nod at each other in that creepy, perfectly synchronized way only they can and press their lips in a thin line.
“Oh, so we’re going that way again, huh?” I ask and cross my arms in front of my chest. “Collective silence? Nice, I can play that game too, let’s see how long it lasts.”
If anyone knows them better than their parents do, it’s me. Of all the things they could hate, there’s literally only one that gets under their skin like nothing else—the sound of tapping a foot against the floor.
So, I do just that. I smirk and start tapping my foot against the floor, waiting for one of them to break.
God, I should’ve known that great sex comes at a greater cost. For all the orgasms the trio has brought into my life, and trust me, there’s a lot, they’re bringing twice as much trouble.
“Don’t do that, love,” Zane whines and breaks first, just as predicted.
“Yes,” Zander grumbles and crosses his arms, mirroring my action. “That sound makes my gums hurt.”
“One and two, and one and two and one and two,” Zeno mutters and I already know where this is going.
“No!” I hiss at Zeno. “Don’t you even think about singing the Christmas carols!
We can’t afford the neighborhood dogs howling along with you again.
You know the cops will be called and once they’re here, it’s not like either of you can explain how this ended up on my carpet! ” I point at the dead body again.
“Oh, I know, we can tell them it’s a Halloween prop,” Zane offers and I don’t know if I should smile at how cute he looks or throw a shoe at his head.
“Zane, baby,” I hiss and pinch the bridge of my nose. “It’s December, sweetheart, Halloween is in October.”
“Oh,” he mutters and flashes me a sheepish smile. “Nevermind then.”
I close my eyes, inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth, then slowly count to ten to calm down. When I open my eyes again, all three of them are tip-toeing towards the door looking like cartoon burglars.
“Freeze!” I shout and they do.
One by one, they hang their heads and reluctantly drag their feet as they come back to line up in front of me. This time they stand closer to each other, shoulders touching, like they’re trying to show a united front.
“Don’t act so pathetic, it won’t save your asses!” I mumble and the triplets take my words as a challenge, somehow managing to look absolutely devastated.
Seeing how this is going nowhere, I sit down on the couch and glare at them, completely silent. I can play their game too. Eventually, one of them will break under pressure and I’ll be here to witness the moment.
The first five minutes go by rather uneventfully, but as the sixth rolls around, the corner of my mouth twitches as I watch Zander slap the back of Zeno’s head out of nowhere and hiss, “I told you this wouldn’t work, but no, you never listen.”
Zeno glares at him and rubs the back of his head. “Ouch, what was that for? I didn’t even kill the guy!”
“You didn’t, but it was your idea to drag him home!” Zander hisses.
They exchange a few more harsher words before Zane adds his two cents to the conversation. “Hey, I think we could buy her chocolate, she’ll forgive us if we give her sugar, right?”
Both Zander and Zeno turn their anger towards Zane the moment he explains the plan.
Honestly, I wouldn’t mind having a box of chocolate at hand right now. Watching them blame each other while I get to enjoy something sweet doesn’t sound like the worst scenario ever.
“This isn’t about her chocolate addiction, moron! It’s about the damn carpet.” Zander points out.
Zeno instantly perks up. “Yeah, carpet is the problem, we should totally get rid of it.”
I barely hold back laughter as Zander pinches the bridge of his nose and hisses. “Idiots, I shared a womb with idiots.”
Both Zeno and Zane look genuinely offended by Zander’s words and not surprisingly, soon after all of them start arguing. Each tries to speak over the other, fingers are pointed, threats are made and me, well, I’m thoroughly entertained by the show.
The body on the carpet is still an issue, but for as long as they aren’t screaming at each other and alerting the neighbors, I don’t mind simply watching them.
As stupid as it might sound, this is the rare occasion the triplets are somewhat sane. For as long as they’re busy insulting each other, neither is holding a knife and stabbing people.
How I got so lucky to bag not one, but three sexy, identical men is beyond me. It backfired with the fact that all three are oddly entertained by killing people, but you have to overlook the negative sometimes.
When their arguments become too much even for me, I clear my throat and the sound works like magic—all three of them shut up instantly. My eyes dart between their flushed faces and the body a few times before I come up with an idea how to get the answer I want.
“I’ve been feeling very lonely lately,” I say and suppress the smile that’s tugging at the corners of my mouth.
“Oh no, not again,” Zeno grumbles as both Zander and Zane take a step back, shaking their heads.
“Maybe some quality time will help? Makeup, manicures? We could have so much fun turning you guys into dolls. This time, we can go above and beyond. I think I could arrange a few princess dresses and we could have a photo shoot together. That sounds fun, doesn’t it?
Some bonding time with my favorite men would make me so happy. ”
With every word that leaves my lips, their faces lose more color. Zane looks uncomfortable while the look on Zander’s face makes me think he’d rather jump off a building than be a part of my plans. Zeno, well, he’s picking at his nose again, probably not listening again.
“I’ll gather the supplies,” I say with a wide grin and rise from the couch.
Zander and Zane exchange looks, then point at Zeno at the same time and call out in unison, “he did it!”
“Bingo,” I mutter and grin, taking a step closer to my absolutely unhinged boyfriends.
“She tricked us again, didn’t she?” Zane asks.
Zander nods and groans in frustration. “Fuckin’ hell, yes she did. I can’t believe we fell for it again.”
Just as I take another step closer to them, Zeno finally remembers he’s supposed to pay attention and looks around. “What? What did I miss?”
“Oh, nothing much,” I all but purr as I stop in front of him and cross my arms again. “Only that your brothers just ratted you out. What are you going to do to fix the mess you brought home again?”
Zeno glares at his brothers over his shoulder, whisper-hisses, “pussies,” and turns back to face me. His cheeks turn the most beautiful shade of red as he looks down and mutters. “I’m sorry, love, it won’t happen again.”
If I got a penny every time one of the triplets said the exact same words, I could afford to buy a couple of million dollar mansions by now.
“I can sing you some Christmas carols if that will help you forgive me faster,” Zeno offers.
I point a finger at his face and snap, “No! I just brought up a few minutes ago what happened the last time you decided to sing. There’s a dead body in my living room, the last thing I need is another visit from the police.”
“Okay, listen,” Zeno groans and runs a hand through his hair. “It’s not that I want to upset you, okay? It’s just that sometimes, a boy has to become a man and things happen. One day I have a tiny wiener and the next, boom, I have horse balls.”
“What the fuck, Zeno?” Zander and Zane groan simultaneously.
“What?” Zeno asks and looks at them over his shoulder again. “It’s true, I have horse balls.”
These have to be the consequences of my shallow view on life. Just has to be. I’m stuck with a trio of lunatics because I decided to value handsome faces and sexy bodies over sanity.
Okay, to my defence, initially I planned to go out only with Zander because he’s the first one I met. Trust me, when he asked me out and I agreed to go on a date with him, I had no idea he’d bring two of his clones and announce that sharing is a must.
Since that date happened over ten years ago and in my twenties I was a proud, self-proclaimed sex activist, I thought dating three men instead of one was the height of one’s sexual fantasies.
Today? Well, I can’t complain too much since I’m still getting triple the amount of dick, way more than any other woman I know, it’s just that those dicks come with very specific complications.
All three suddenly start arguing about their balls sizes and I have to turn my back on them just to hide the smile. I swear, even while being the menaces they are, they manage to bring a smile to my face.
“Hey, guys? I suppose this is not the right moment to admit that we hid the other one in the shed, right?”