Chapter 58
58
T he sharp beat of the club's music vibrated through the floor and up Alex's legs as he watched the scene unfold before him. Leslie, radiant even in the dim light, standing before Gareth with a forced smile gracing her face.
As the two started talking, he found himself leaning against the bar, observing their interaction. The easy conversation, the shared laughs. As he watched them getting along, he struggled to contain his possessiveness in a way that felt like he was losing.
When Gareth offered Leslie a drink and she accepted, Alex forced himself to walk away, leaving Leslie and Gareth in their newly-formed bubble.
This was what he'd wanted, what he'd planned. But he could now admit that a part of him had secretly hoped they wouldn’t click, that Leslie would return to him and ask him to reconsider.
But it seemed fate had other ideas.
Exiting the club, he was hit by the cool night air. He flagged down a taxi, barely noticing the blur of the city passing by as he traveled home. His mind was elsewhere, stuck in a club with the woman he loved, and a man who was now poised to take his place.
Once home, he poured himself a stiff drink, nursing the glass as he sank into his armchair. His loft, usually a place of refuge, now felt uncomfortably large and empty. The only sound was the ticking of a clock, each second marking another moment he was away from Leslie. But above all, he was left with a gnawing feeling of loss, of something precious slipping through his fingers.
The next day, he took a spontaneous trip to Texas, to the town where he’d brought Mia after they’d learned she was pregnant and she’d renounced her family. His heart was heavy as he wandered through the hallowed grounds of the cemetery he visited every year. He passed rows upon rows of gravestones, each a stark reminder of lives once vibrant, now reduced to mere memories and etched words in cold stone.
He stopped when he reached the resting place of Mia and their unborn child.
Their graves were covered in a soft carpet of fresh, green grass, speckled with an array of vivid wildflowers, courtesy of the caretaker he paid to keep flowers on the graves. Even in death, Mia's love for vibrant colors lived on.
Kneeling, he traced the engraved letters of their names with his fingers—Mia and Lenore—feeling the cool, rough texture of the stone under his touch. The reality of their existence was now reduced to etched words and a date, which had a fresh wave of sorrow washing over him.
"I’m sorry it was Livia. But hopefully, finally, you can rest," he whispered, the words barely audible, carried away by the wind. But when he uttered the words, something miraculous happened. Alex felt a sense of peace that had long eluded him. The guilt, the shame, the remorse he had been carrying for years seemed to lessen. Not erased, not forgotten, but bearable.
The knowledge that Livia, the one who had brought such unspeakable tragedy upon them, was now dead—just as he’d expected, someone had accessed her jail cell and slit her throat the day after she was arrested—brought some comfort.
He stayed at the graves for an hour, talking to Mia about Leslie, hoping for comfort but somehow feeling as if she was suddenly chastising him. With a sigh, he stood and took one last look at the graves. "Goodbye, Mia. Goodbye, my little monkey," he said, his voice choked with emotion. “I’ll see you again.”
As he walked away and made his way back to New York, his mind was no longer preoccupied by the dead, but by Leslie. He tortured himself with images of Gareth fucking her until he was in an Uber back to his place, and his phone rang, displaying his brother's name on the screen.
"Hey, Lee," Alex greeted.
"Hey, Alex." Lee's familiar voice echoed in the car, steady and calm. "Everything okay?"
Alex hesitated. Nothing was okay but he couldn’t stand still. He had to keep moving forward. That meant leaving New York, just like he’d told Leslie he would, but he couldn’t leave without telling Lee the secrets he'd only recently shared with Leslie.
“I’m in an Uber. Let me call you when I get home.”
“Alright. Talk soon.”
When he was finally home and called Lee again, his brother commanded, “Spill.”
And he did. He told him everything. His mission in Afghanistan and Father Alessio. The real reason for Mia’s death, and what he’d done to avenge her. Leslie. Caris. Livia. And his decision to leave New York. The only thing he left out was the details of his and Leslie’s sexual explorations.
When he was done, only a stunned silence filled the air.
Finally, Lee cleared his throat, his voice a gentle murmur over the line. "That's... a lot to take in, Alex."
"Tell me about it," Alex replied, a weary chuckle escaping him. It felt odd, almost surreal, to have voiced his fears and secrets aloud, to have them floating between him and Lee.
"I’m going to need to process this shit, by myself and with you, but for now, let me remind you two things. I love you. That hasn’t changed.”
The sheer intensity of his relief told him he’d feared what he was telling Lee would affect his brother’s feelings for him. “I love you, too, Lee. And the second thing?”
“Alyssa is dying.”
The blunt statement caused Alex to flinch. Alyssa was Lee’s girlfriend. She had a daughter, Natalie, who Lee had adopted after they’d learned Alyssa didn’t have long to live. Lee cared for, maybe even loved Alyssa, yet Alex knew she wasn’t the love of his life any more than Mia had been his. But that wouldn’t make Lee grieve any less when Alyssa passed.
“I know that, Lee. What’s your point?”
“She won’t make it past the spring. I'll be left with our little girl. Alone."
Alex could hardly fathom his brother's pain, his own tragedy suddenly dwarfed by Lee’s impending loss. “I’m so sorry, Lee,” he managed to choke out.
There was a small sigh from the other end of the line. “Thank you, Alex. But listen to me. You think the greatest hell is loving someone only for them to be taken from you, but it’s not. It’s never truly having them in the first place. My time with Alyssa will be too damn short, but I don’t regret a minute of it. She’s brought so many good things to my life, and I don’t just mean Natalie."
His words resonated deep within Alex, stirring a tide of emotions.
“But you’re not the reason she has to leave you, Lee. The cancer is.”
“I’m still the one that’s helpless in the face of that cancer. You don’t think I blame myself, even though it’s not logical? You don’t think I tell myself that I could have hired better doctors, flown her to Switzerland, convinced her to try experimental procedures? When it comes to those we love, we can’t help but blame ourselves for not doing enough. For not being enough. But what you need to do is stop being so goddamn selfish, and really think about what you mean to Leslie, and what you leaving is going to do to her. Do you really think she’ll be better off without you, because if you do, you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”
Lee’s words were like a slap in the face. Of course Leslie would miss him. He didn’t doubt she’d miss him. That she’d hurt, maybe for a long time, but he knew she’d get over him.
Only…did he?
Lee’s words suddenly had him doubting that.
Alex distinctly remembered Leslie arguing with him, rejecting his insistence that he was a monster. Telling him he was the air she breathed.
Fuck, if that was true…
She needed air to live.
Did that mean part of her would die without him?
Just like he was dying without her.
The realization struck him like a blast of dynamite.
He couldn’t protect Leslie from everything . And part of that meant he couldn’t protect her from himself. They all had their shadows—hell, Leslie faced danger every day because her family was so wealthy—but it had never entered his mind to reject her because of that. And as for her hurting because of him…
Hadn’t she suffered enough given the constant push and pull that had played out between them? By the very fact that he’d brought her to another man to…to service her…when he knew all she wanted was him?
The peace he’d started to feel in Italy after he’d taken her virginity, the peace he’d felt earlier at Mia’s and Lenore’s graves, started to swell in proportion to his strengthening resolve.
“Are you hearing what I’m saying, Alex?” Lee said.
“I am,” Alex said. “And you’re right. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Glad to hear you agree. But in case it’s not quite sinking in, hear this: Life is unpredictable. It's cruel, it's unyielding, and it's goddamn unfair. But we can't let that stop us. We do what we must do to get through this life, Alex, and when we find any measure of happiness, we hold onto it. Tight. Because it's fleeting. You can either enjoy every moment of it or you can let it go and live a life filled with nothing but regrets and 'what ifs'. You've found someone who loves you, who accepts you, warts and all. That's rare. Don't let her go because of your fears. Don't let her go because you're afraid of what might happen. Hold on. Love her as long as you can, as much as you can.”